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  #31  
Old 03-05-2013, 08:55 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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What is your idea of a "consensus"? You deciding how you want it and the other people agreeing?
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  #32  
Old 03-05-2013, 10:21 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Eeh... In my opinion, it's not how a relationship works, doesn't sound fair for it to work that way. I think there should be some consensus. But that's just me.
Do you see yourself as being fair?

Anyway, what is this "fair" everyone keeps talking about? Did I miss the memo in which life was declared "fair?" Should we go inform UNICEF that their services are no longer required?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying everyone should just go around doing whatever they want, ignoring the wants and wishes of their loved ones. That would be selfish and careless.

But I am dismissing the notion that you're in a position to "allow" your partner to do anything. How does that fit into your "consensus" model of relationships?
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  #33  
Old 03-05-2013, 10:27 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Well, more or less, yeah. Or more accurately, that if he meets someone and chooses to date her, then your options are to deal with it or move on.

That doesn't mean you can't plead your case and ask him to take your feelings into consideration. It just means that, at the end of the day, it's entirely his choice whether or not he dates some new girl that he falls for.

It also means that if he's in that situation and you pressure him not to date her, you should expect him to feel resentment and jealousy that you're denying him something that he has freely given to you.
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Eeh... In my opinion, it's not how a relationship works, doesn't sound fair for it to work that way. I think there should be some consensus. But that's just me.
Laughing! Now you're complaining about things being "fair"...

Actually, that's EXACTLY how relationships work, unless your in some power play for control. The choice is ultimately his. Does it mean life with you might be miserable, maybe. Does it mean you will be hurt, maybe. Still the choice is his and he has to decide if he's willing to deal with the fall out or if he's willing to continue in a relationship with you.
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  #34  
Old 03-05-2013, 10:59 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Laughing! Now you're complaining about things being "fair"...

Actually, that's EXACTLY how relationships work, unless your in some power play for control. The choice is ultimately his. Does it mean life with you might be miserable, maybe. Does it mean you will be hurt, maybe. Still the choice is his and he has to decide if he's willing to deal with the fall out or if he's willing to continue in a relationship with you.
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
What is your idea of a "consensus"? You deciding how you want it and the other people agreeing?
Him: They think youre trying to force things
Him: Why dont you tell them Im saying there's no problem?
Him: For now, I've agreed to wait until you get your bearings cause you arent sure how this relationship style is supposed to work
Him: There isn't some kind of disagreement about a power game

(Talking to him right now)

Last edited by FatMouse; 03-05-2013 at 11:08 PM.
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  #35  
Old 03-05-2013, 11:10 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Well which is it? You came in here all in a tizzy that your boyfriend was thinking bout dating other girls and you didn't want him to. You said you needed help with how to deal with this new thing. Now you're telling us he says there's "no problem," presumably meaning he doesn't really care about dating other girls. So if you don't want him to and he doesn't have any problem with that, then what's the big deal?

Yeah, sure, I called you hypocritical and I stand by that. But if you and he are both comfortable with your hypocrisy, then what does it matter what a bunch of interneters think?
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #36  
Old 03-05-2013, 11:34 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Him: For now, I've agreed to wait until you get your bearings cause you arent sure how this relationship style is supposed to work
It did sound a bit dire. Sounds like you've got a good guy, keep communicating and work at identifying your specific insecurities. Little insecurities can pile on top of each other to make you feel overwhelmed and send you into a panic. By slowly addressing each small one, one at time, it can relieve some of the pressure and lessen the feeling of panic. Now the trick is to identify the things that make your insecurities surface.

Read around in the blog section, it can be helpful to see others stories and struggles.
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  #37  
Old 03-05-2013, 11:40 PM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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He's a great guy. I'm just conflicted because I don't know how to deal with my feelings. That's why I came here.

But I think I might have worded it poorly in the OP. I'm not sure :/
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  #38  
Old 03-05-2013, 11:44 PM
GSAS082612 GSAS082612 is offline
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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
I think that if he suddenly came across someone who he falls for (let's say a friend) as I fell for my friend and said person reciprocates their feelings... I guess it wouldn't bug me as much, because things would be more genuine, and I don't want him to feel as miserable as I was when I felt I had to choose between him and my friend.

Now it would bug me a lot if he suddenly started to look for women. That would be a different story.

I hope my post makes sense.
This makes perfect sense to me. But it all depends on if he I guess finds it fair. Where as you feelings are important, his are too. I would suggest you communicate. That is the best advice I can offer.

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Originally Posted by FatMouse View Post
Umm... Can you maybe explain what that means? I seriously have no idea about the terms used here
A poly-triad is a group of three individuals is where you are all involved with each other. You are with A. You are with B. and A and B are also together. is that how it is?
Or is it a poly-vee. Where you are all consenting individuals of the relationship But they only involved with you. So it is you and A. and then you and B. But those two aren't involved.

I hope that made sense. If you need help, I am always here to help at any time.
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  #39  
Old 03-05-2013, 11:52 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I'm just conflicted because I don't know how to deal with my feelings.
I learned a great deal about myself by reading other peoples post. Kinda like "Oh, that's why I'm feeling..." and a good number of "Oh, shit, I do that! I guess I need to fix that". Analyzing your own feelings can be difficult, much less putting them into words for those around you to know how to deal with them.

Here is a really good website with a lot of good articles on jealousy and insecurity:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

The "Golden Nugget" section is also very good for browsing information:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4082
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  #40  
Old 03-06-2013, 12:07 AM
FatMouse FatMouse is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I learned a great deal about myself by reading other peoples post. Kinda like "Oh, that's why I'm feeling..." and a good number of "Oh, shit, I do that! I guess I need to fix that". Analyzing your own feelings can be difficult, much less putting them into words for those around you to know how to deal with them.

Here is a really good website with a lot of good articles on jealousy and insecurity:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

The "Golden Nugget" section is also very good for browsing information:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4082
Thanks. I will take a look at those.

Did you feel conflicted too when you first started with this?

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Originally Posted by GSAS082612 View Post
I hope that made sense. If you need help, I am always here to help at any time.
It did. Thanks
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