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Old 01-18-2013, 06:48 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Default Long Rant & Just need reassurance to get thru weekend

Tough weekend, Could use some reassurance to get through it.

Lonf story as short as I can condense:
SO Sunshine's son's wedding is Sat. Kids invited me.
Discovered Sunshine's wife was wigging out and wanted me to pretend I was "just a friend" as she is still in closet with her two sibs.
Found out two days ago.
She didn't have wherewithall to tell me directly, or even tell him directly, only hinted to her hubby.
Phone game doesn't work folks!
I'm not a good liar or actress and could not promise in good conscience that I could pretend. I know myself too well. So I made the call to bow out.
I'm openly poly. So is sunshine - since me...
Sunshine is devastated. As am I. He feels I am being inflexible, but says he understands. We're both pissed/disappointed in the communication He is upset that S waited so long, and is still in the closet after so many years.
I do not want not be the one to out her.
She could not even come to telling him herself. I had to. I had to make the call and tell him she said "If he wants to know I agree, have him text me."

Anyone reassure me I made the right call in staying home?


SO's wife, S, convinced me almost a 1 -1/2 years ago not to break up with him.. I wanted to because I was afraid of outing her inadvertently to her coworkers and politcal world by being with him in public. He was afraid to, to he's drop my hand and I felt I had to pretend... I can't be happy that way. So she reassured both of us it was OK, that I didn't need to pretend and begged me to stay.

I feel I've lost what little respect I had for S. I still respect their marriage and his love for her and do not want him to lose that.
I want to walk away from the best relationship I have ever known, and I want to keep it. I have always, from the start,stated that if I ever felt I was negatively affecting their relationship I would walk away.

Now I question, is it me, or is it their communication issues that I feel negatively affect their relationship. Would it make any difference if I left, their issues would still be there, only I would not hold the guilty feelings of me contributing. It hurts so much.

Sigh. He loves me. I love him. Missing sharing in this wonderful event for the kids to shine is a small concession, compared to losing our relationship. I'm sure it will feel less intense as time goes on, but the wound is so fresh it feels like my world is collapsing.

Thanks for letting me rant.
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  #2  
Old 01-18-2013, 08:14 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You say you are devastated. That sounds like you actually do want to go.

You want to go and honor the kid's wedding? Well, the price of admission is to play it low key around the relatives since your metamour wife person there is not "out" to her family.

Quote:
I'm not a good liar or actress and could not promise in good conscience that I could pretend. I know myself too well. So I made the call to bow out. I'm openly poly. So is sunshine - since me...
I am confused. What are you pretending if you attend and do typical guest behaviors like smile, witness the wedding ceremony, eat and drink nibbles at the reception and make chit chat? Are you worried all eyes are on you? Are you wanting to be recognized somehow at the front table as a coparent person? What's the need here? Where is the fear part coming in?

If you do not want to go, that is fine. Don't go where you do not want to go.

But if you DO want to go -- I don't see how her behavior or her request is news:

Quote:
He is upset that S waited so long, and is still in the closet after so many years.
Quote:
SO's wife, S, convinced me almost a 1 -1/2 years ago not to break up with him.. I wanted to because I was afraid of outing her inadvertently to her coworkers and politcal world by being with him in public.
You sound annoyed by the communication foo foo. I see that. But her not being "out" isn't a headline here. You've known this before -- that her willingness/readiness/ability to be "out" is not at the same place as you.

You could own a bit of the communication problem elephant. KNOWING she's all skittery on being "out" -- when you got the invite from the kids you could have taken bull by the horns and called the parents up and said "I want to talk about this invite thing and get sorted out before it gets all wiggy. So let's set a date and let's talk about it."

You seem to imply that she was dawdling and avoidy in letting her wants be known -- that you come and play it as friends.

Didn't you do same? You wanted to go and not have fussing. You did not announce this want to anyone even though past history suggests there could be some sticky spots that would need talking out.

Everyone has to hold their own baggage. To me it sounds like a bunch of people getting all wedding wacky -- as weddings are prone to do to the families of the bridal pair. BREATHE, BREATHE.

There's so many places this could go rather than just "on" or "off" here. I encourage you to talk to your people -- you are hurting, and suffering. Talk to them and try to find the "happy medium" that would serve all 3 of you best in this "parents of the groom" type situation. There's parents, step parents, poly parents, divorced parents -- all kinds of parents come to this place when their adult kids go off to get married. Lots of things to sort. So... sort!

What if you attend only the ceremony and skip the reception? Since during ceremony, nobody talks and you do not have to stress? Less social pressure and you are there for part of it? That's only one "middle volume" kind of solution.

I'm sure if you guys talked you could brainstorm others. Whatever you decide will be best for you -- even if you decide to stay home.

But at least have the talk with your people so you are back in right relationship with them. YKWIM? You could choose to get a good rest/sleep and then choose to takes steps to begin to un-suffer in the morning.

Hang in there.

hugs
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-18-2013 at 02:38 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-18-2013, 09:18 PM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Thank you GalaGirl.
I DO want to go. I love the kids. But my need/desire to honor the comfort level of my metamour trumps all.
My fears if I would have gone.. I would slip up and hold his hand or kiss him or stroke his hair and if her sibs noticed S's fears would come true and she would resent me and there would be a poly outing drama to mess up the kid's day. I would be in knots the entire time worrying about her needs.
I know myself well enough to know I do not lie well and am an even worse actress.

Frustrated that I HAD brought this up earlier, back in August when the topic of me going was first brought up. I was reassured by my Sunshine before thanksgiving that everything was settled and there was no issues with my going.

Frustrated she could not decide on her needs an communicate them to the person who needed to hear in a timely manner. Frustrated he did not tease out her discomfort and investigate further. I bring up an issue, am told everything is OK, only to find out last minute it is not.
Tired of being the codepenant and having to be responsible for everyone's comfort. Tired of feeling like I'm the only adult.

The wedding is just a small symptom in a bigger issue. I recognize that.
I just need to breathe, and cry, and try to be supportive and comforting in replying to messages from Sunshine. I know this weekend hurt is temporary.
I need to get past the immediate hurts that I are feeling so fresh and self-inflicted. Waaah.

I know that if I had chosen not to honor her unspoken desires as soon as I was aware of them (she never was come out and actually tell me I couldn't go, could not verbalize it because them she did say she feared he would blame her is she did make a decision), I could have easily made the ten hour trip and let the chips fall where they may.

Quote:
Are you wanting to be recognized somehow at the front table as a coparent person?
Nope, If I had chosen to go, knowing she lives poly in secret, I had planned to be respectful and restrained my outgoing, affectionate, personality (I'm a very touchy, huggy person to begin with). I was a guest, not participating as the poly bonus mom. But it is obvious to me in people watching - you know when two people are obviously in love, even if they aren't holding hands or touching.
(*side note, two nights ago when I took Sunshine out for a drink to tell him, I was rather physically reserved there as well, feeling hurt,.. and a young girl came over to ask us how long we had been together, that it looked like there was hope for her... He said a year and a half, and I added "thirty years depending on how you count.")

Quote:
What if you attend only the ceremony and skip the reception? Since during ceremony, nobody talks and you do not have to stress? Less social pressure and you are there for part of it? That's only one "middle volume" kind of solution.
If we (read I) had discovered this earlier, there may have been a way to find a comfortable middle, and to become emotionally comfortable.

Quote:
But at least have the talk with your people so you are back in right relationship with them. YKWIM? You could choose to get a good rest/sleep and then choose to takes steps to begin to un-suffer in the morning.
Thanks. I do know what you mean. When Sunshine and I first became a couple, I had been poly much longer than he. I did insist that along the way we were going to get couple's coaching/counseling, and told S that I very much would like her to be a part of it as well. He started seeing a counselor on his own last year, to get himself together before we go together - so I knew that was headed in right direction.

This morning I did message S, to let her know that after the wedding we all would be getting together to discuss direct, timely communication with each other. I apologized to her for not being as supportive in positive "be happy, I'm OK" type messages to Sunshine, explaining that I was frustrated.
Backfired, and she started crying that I was blaming her, when he knew.
Aaargh, but she only hinted. We are not freaking mind readers.
So I ended up reassuring her, that I was aware that *I* made my own choice to stay behind.

So now, I need to decide how hard I push for communication, and if it doesn't come, what next. But first get through the hurt of staying home.

Thanks again GalaGirl.
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Old 01-18-2013, 10:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Yep, you guys need to work on your communication skills between the three of you. When you do push for the meeting, make that the focus. "Hey, this thing with the wedding just illustrated that we need to work on better ways to communicate and get our point across without misunderstandings". Even a professional counselor could be beneficial with helping the three of you communicate better. I wonder if she waited to the last minute, because she WANTED to be okay with you being there, but with all the wedding stress, she just freaked out.

Now (communication issues aside), you suspected she would have a problem with being "outed" and you know you have trouble controlling pda you could have spent all those months LEARNING how to interact in a public setting, where everyone would be comfortable. Short little dinners with just the three of you where you could PRACTICE not showing pda. That way everyone would be confident that they could behave in a manner that wouldn't cause an uncomfortable situation.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:43 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Precious1 View Post

Anyone reassure me I made the right call in staying home?
I have to go through the rest again and consider it...but for THIS question? Yes, I think you made the right call.

We are not "out" to our families. At some point we probably will be - but we aren't now. A wedding should be about the people getting married - so if there is ANY CHANCE AT ALL that drama will ensue from your attendance then NOT attending is the the best option - you can communicate with the celebrants privately and let them know that you are so happy for them, but there are other considerations. Yes, you all need to work on your communication. Yes, you need to practice how to behave toward each other in situations where you are not "out" - a wedding is NOT an appropriate "practice" location.

You say:
Quote:
But it is obvious to me in people watching - you know when two people are obviously in love, even if they aren't holding hands or touching.
- which has been said both here and to me personally ... but, in fact, I have not really found this to be true (on my side at least). Perhaps I am an exceptional actress (unlikely)...but I think that a large portion of this is context and expectation. "Everyone knows" that my husband loves me...they see it and comment on it. Many people figure out that Dude "has feelings for" me...so what? People can have crushes on whomever. Very few people (two actually) have seen that Dude and I are "involved" before I told them (one of which kept that suspicion to herself until I disclosed it - she is my best friend). When we are out in public together people either a.) assume he is my husband (because they don't know MrS) or b.) I introduce him as "our friend/roommate" and act like it is no big deal.

If you are/were unsure of your ability to not "slip up" then I think your solution - taking your metamour's fears into account - was the best solution at the time. At this point I only take Dude to "family" events with people that I am eventually willing to come out to (our parents and our siblings) just in case we slip up.

We all do the best we can with the information that we have. Sometimes this involves hard decisions. I think that you can feel satisfied with this one.

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-18-2013 at 11:49 PM.
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  #6  
Old 01-19-2013, 03:25 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Take care of you - do the TLC you need to do for yourself.

Then yes... could talk to both about improving your communication skills with each other. Just take it one baby step at a time.

hugs
GG
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  #7  
Old 01-19-2013, 07:18 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Thanks all.
Feeling a bit less weepy today,
More drama with my soon to be ex hubby helped with that. Anxiety trumps sadness.
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  #8  
Old 03-26-2013, 02:42 AM
Precious1 Precious1 is offline
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Smile Just an update & a resource

Still have not had "the communication talk" with all of us together. Sunshine asked me to delay. Then my divorce got uglier as the court hearing came & went. (I'm to the point of having a chaperone when I do have to see the ex, due to fear). And then partner's wife's main local boyfriend unexpectedly took off so she was in an emotional spot.. the BF was supposed to come home after a couple weeks but it keeps getting delayed and now been months, so who knows when or if he will be back.

Feeling my hands were tied REALLY was getting to me.
I did message her with an offer to get her out to a social event (without me there) so the sadness of the way the BF was treating her could be eased at least for an evening - she declined. And in the same message I did let her know that having the discussion about us all learning to communicate was still a priority to me and that I would be bringing it to the table as soon as our man gives the go-ahead. That did reduce my stress quite a bit, feeling that I was not just sitting with my head in the sand.

One tool I have found immensely helpful is a book
Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship
When stuff bugs me, I tend to find more & more reasons to confirm my fears. The tools it shares help remind me to seek out instances and evidence contrary to my fears so I can see the issues from a more balanced perspective.
It is so good, I'm considering buying it in bulk for my Christmas gift giving this year.
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My Family:
Me - self defined as monogamish: currently physically monoganous, emotionally poly
Sunshine - my committed partner, poly, married to S
S - my metamour, poly, married to Sunshine, multiple partners
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:12 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Sorry to hear about the delay on having that talk, and about some of the other drama that has been going on. It sounds like you are hanging in there, and doing what you need to to make sure the talk happens eventually.

Keep us posted, and let us know if we can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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