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  #1  
Old 03-25-2013, 05:47 PM
bextra bextra is offline
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So my husband (5 years), K and I have talked about having lifestyle where others would be involved since we started dating. I was not ok with it originally, but over the years became ok with the idea. We started by talking about swinging and had a threesome once with a female, but could never find the right couples to try swapping. K works out of town every other week(plus overtime sometimes), so we started experimenting with meeting up with people separately while he was out of town. He was never able to find anyone he was interested in, but then moved jobs to another state, and almost immediately met a girl, A that he had an instant connection with. I am pregnant, and thought that we would not be seeing anyone else while I was pregnant, but it was never discussed. when we talked about seeing other people, it was discussed that they would be casual sex partners. It was never stated that they would not be full relationships with other people, but that was my impression. He asked me for permission to start hanging out with A to see what happened with the hope that there would be sex. In the space of about 3 weeks, they were so caught up in the NRE that they began using love to describe their feelings. She was seeing someone else, but has since ended that saying that she loves K so much she wants to be with only him, and wishes that she had him all to herself.

I meanwhile do not have a relationship on the side. I have a fwb situation that will never be an emotional relationship. I have also had a very hard time dealing with jealousy, insecurities, paranoia. I fully admit, I have not been dealing with my feelings well, and it has caused many fights and problems. K is sometimes understanding, and other times is not. I feel a little blindsided that it has evolved into a poly relationship, which is not somewhere I ever thought we would be. I am working on my own issues and trying to be able to accept all that is going on. Meanwhile, I am pregnant and home alone most of the time, raising our 3 other kids (1 bio, 2 full time step) while K is off working and spending almost every moment he is not working with A. It has been 2 months now, and they have admitted they love each other. But I have been having a hard time accepting that, as I never thought it would be a place we were in where he loved another woman. He does tell me that he loves me more than her, but does not act that way when he talks to me or is around me. I just need help trying to accept this new lifestyle and all the accompanying feelings. Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 03-26-2013, 02:46 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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If it help at all, I spend much more time with my girlfriend than my wife, at least when I'm awake, but I am completely and totally in love with my wife. If anything, it has grown even stronger.

But if you need more attention, get it. Ask. Talk. All that stuff that we know but don't do as often as we should.
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  #3  
Old 03-26-2013, 06:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I am pregnant, and thought that we would not be seeing anyone else while I was pregnant, but it was never discussed.
Could discuss it now in the context of

1) I am pregnant and need pregnancy support. HOW i need it? Like this... (list).

2) We need to do better in talking things all the way out and not assuming/not discuss enough before jumping in -- in the future.

3) How does A fit into our lives so that all people's needs are met? When do we all talk in trio? What kind of open relationship model do we have here? So we are all on the same page?

Quote:
when we talked about seeing other people, it was discussed that they would be casual sex partners. It was never stated that they would not be full relationships with other people, but that was my impression.
Could discuss it NOW. A is already here. That's now a separate relationship discussion because she is a person and not a thing that you can just take back to the store for a refund.

BUT.... could discuss NOW about not adding any MORE people to the mix until communication is improved, pregnancy/birth process achieved, and in a a more stable place.

Could also make space to talk about A -- you sound like you are willing to try and it isn't a deal breaker for you. So... figure out how you all want to be together in trio.

Quote:
She was seeing someone else, but has since ended that saying that she loves K so much she wants to be with only him, and wishes that she had him all to herself.
She can wish things. So could he. So could you. And? Feelings and wishes are not actuality.

Actuality is that you are in a 3 people thing here. The three people could sit down to talk how you three want to be together and meet all the people's needs.

What are A needs?
What are his?
What are yours?

Quote:
I have also had a very hard time dealing with jealousy, insecurities, paranoia. I fully admit, I have not been dealing with my feelings well, and it has caused many fights and problems. K is sometimes understanding, and other times is not.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Could page 5 and 6 things help?

Quote:
Meanwhile, I am pregnant and home alone most of the time, raising our 3 other kids (1 bio, 2 full time step) while K is off working and spending almost every moment he is not working with A.
Could sit down and talk about coping with NRE / him dating while still meeting needs and responsibilities at home. Growing a new relationship could not come at the expense of the established relationships. Not just you -- but his relationships with you and his children.

What are you not getting that you need? Are you able to articulate that clearly to yourself at this point in time? Need help sorting that out into a list?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-26-2013 at 11:26 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-26-2013, 08:11 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Too much too soon.

NRE (new relationship energy - the high you get when you're falling in love with someone else) is a pretty heady experience and can overrule everything in life if one isn't careful. It sounds like NRE has your husband reeling a bit, and forgetting about priorities that mean a great deal to him; you, your home, your family and his existing life.

It makes sense that you're struggling, and makes sense that feelings of jealousy and paranoia would come up when you're feeling neglected and left behind. No one deserves to feel this way; to me it's an indicator that things are out of balance.... question is, how do you go about re-finding that balance with someone who is so love drunk that they're incapable of seeing that you're hurting in any meaningful way.

This is the poly upset that I see the most, and identify with a great deal; went through this with my husband and his ex-girlfriend, and it was unbearable. Hugs. Hugs. Some more hugs. Here's some more hugs. Cuz fuck, it's rough, and I know it.

You deserve to be comfortable, and if he needs to take a break and refocus on you to feel happy, that is REASONABLE! It's reasonable to ask for the things that you want and need to feel secure and happy - practice out loud when you're in your car, practice typing it out here - you're going to need to get good at asking for what you want, and negotiating if being open isn't going to damage you, or your relationship/family. It's unfair when you're feeling so uncomfortable - to be responsible for that kind of communication, but it is what it is. It's one of the reasons why I don't have much respect for NRE on the whole - I enjoy it, but I see it for what it is, and don't get too caught up in it - it's like being stoned, in a way....

What is it that you want? Define what you want to feel happy and comfortable.

I am a fan of group talks; they allow everyone to express themselves and for there to be little room for misinterpretation, which spells less room for drama, too. I'm all for independent communication, but it can become one vs. two on either side if all three people don't talk. Any reasonable metamour will take your concerns seriously, and help find a balance between getting time with him and allowing him to honour his connection and commitment with you.

You are not alone. There is a community of people who are here to listen, to talk and help you as you find your way. Finding your voice is a big part of being open, and finding the communication that will help you maintain your happiness is DAMN important.

Hugs again.
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  #5  
Old 03-26-2013, 08:37 PM
bextra bextra is offline
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Thanks for the input, Galagirl. We are practicing a primary/secondary model, and are not looking to make her a trio with both of us. Although he has expressed the desire to do a threesome with both of us, I don't think that she or I are up for that right now...not to say that it isn't an option down the road.

I have talked to him about what I felt my needs were. He stepped it up for a few weeks, and the fights continued, so he gave up. He stopped trying to do anything extra with me, and just did the bare minimum because he was frustrated with my behavior.

I think a main problem has been my reactions to all of this. I have been extremely jealous and insecure (thanks, that article looks like it has some good info). So I am trying to deal with that on my own. I have made an appointment to see a counselor to try and work through some of my insecurities.

I feel like he is not being honest with himself or me about his feelings for her. They could be just infatuation with her and the NRE, but that is still difficult for me seeing as how I wasn't really prepared for jumping into this, and the rapidness at which it has progressed. I wish that he would slow down on the progression with her. I have brought this up to him, but he did not say he would, and I don't know if he is willing to for fear that doing so will upset her or end it.
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  #6  
Old 03-26-2013, 09:02 PM
bextra bextra is offline
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Thanks BaggagePatrol...YES! That is exactly how I'm feeling. I perhaps have not explained it to him as succintly as you did. While he does say he doesn't want to hurt me and understands that it is hard for me and normal to feel jealous, he doesn't seem to be willing to act on what he says. Now that could just be my biased opinion.

And like I said, I know that my behavior has not been the best, and I am working on it, but it takes time, and hurts in the mean time.
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  #7  
Old 03-26-2013, 11:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Thanks for the input, Galagirl. We are practicing a primary/secondary model, and are not looking to make her a trio with both of us. Although he has expressed the desire to do a threesome with both of us, I don't think that she or I are up for that right now...not to say that it isn't an option down the road.
I did not mean "trio" like a "triad" model with all of you lovers right now.

I mean "trio" like "this polyship has 3 people in it."

Right now then you are 3 people in polyship arranged as a primary-secondary model "V" with him as the shared sweetie hinge person. Does each person understand that? Living up to the expectations of that?

Quote:
I have talked to him about what I felt my needs were. He stepped it up for a few weeks, and the fights continued, so he gave up. He stopped trying to do anything extra with me, and just did the bare minimum because he was frustrated with my behavior.
What was the fighting trigger? what was your behavior that was objectionable?

Quote:
I think a main problem has been my reactions to all of this. I have been extremely jealous and insecure (thanks, that article looks like it has some good info). So I am trying to deal with that on my own. I have made an appointment to see a counselor to try and work through some of my insecurities.
You and he could each do the page 5 and 6 things to see if that helps.

You getting counseling for extra support is good.

Quote:
I feel like he is not being honest with himself or me about his feelings for her.
Feelings are not logical. They also change. Could go with behavior done/not done instead. What behaviors does he do/not do that are dishonest? Does he lie to you and you catch him in it? Does he leave things out and then you find out about it? (lies of omission?)

Quote:
They could be just infatuation with her and the NRE, but that is still difficult for me seeing as how I wasn't really prepared for jumping into this, and the rapidness at which it has progressed. I wish that he would slow down on the progression with her.
Slow progression on his feelings for her? That's not controllable in that way. Otherwise I could say "Poof! I want you to not feel yucky this deeply or at all!" and you wouldn't feel bad.

What you can ask is to slow down behavior. Spend X days at home in a week doing things with you/kids/chores. Spend Y days with her a week. That's behaviors done/not done. Rather than feelings felt this fast or that fast.
Quote:
I have brought this up to him, but he did not say he would, and I don't know if he is willing to for fear that doing so will upset her or end it.
Could ask him -- are you willing to meet my needs/requests?

As for his fears for how his other relationship is going -- let it be his problem. That's his problem to deal with on that side of his polyship V. That's why it is called DATING. Not all of them will be long term compatible. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't.

I do not know if reading pitfalls or poly hell could help you get a better handle on your own emotional management. But I offer that in case it does.

Hang in there.

Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. Do your best to just let it blow on through. Some emotions are yummy to feel. Some emotions are yucky to feel. But behavior done/not done is something you each can control if you choose.

Galagirl
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  #8  
Old 03-27-2013, 01:20 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Can you ask him for some more support? I see many parallels between our situations (partner(s) wrapped up.in NRE, feeling neglected, jealous, pregnant, one bio kid two step). My coparent's NRE partner is in my house and is my girlfriend also, so I recognize the dynamic is a different beast but I know if my partner, G were spending all of his non work time with his new and exciting NRE partner and leaving me in the dust, I would be out of my mind.

You say you are working on your issues on your own and that's great, but I think it is reasonable.to ask, if not demand, that he offer some help and support. Just because they are difficult to deal with, or you yourself are difficult to deal with right now, doesn't make.it ok to just abandon you with your baggage because there is an easier option over there. Please correct me if I am making the wrong assumptions.

I tried to take on all my jealousy issues by myself when there were things that my partners could do to support and help me. I had to have a crazy crisis happen to finally feel like I had the right to ask for the support I needed. You don't need a crisis, just ask for, or demand a little help. The jealousy and insecurity is so much easier for me to deal with now, maybe that option can work for you as well. I don't know what your particular issues and needs are, but you shouldn't have to face them on your own.
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  #9  
Old 03-27-2013, 04:18 AM
bextra bextra is offline
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GalaGirl, I guess I don't understand what expectations there are in a V, although I think I understand the concept.

The triggers are usually me being upset about something he said or did. Such as I will see a text he has sent her, or he will tell me something that happened. These are things that I should be ok with and I'm not. My reactions, I am ashamed to say are horrible. I will yell and scream at him, accuse him of things, jump to conclusions, threaten to leave (these are the reasons i am seeking counseling), etc.

The reasons I feel he is not honest with himself or me, is I feel he is in denial about how deeply he cares for her. After about 3 weeks, I could see that he had deep feelings, but he denied it. Then she ended it for about a week, and he was devastated, and realized his feelings were deeper than he realized. He also has started keeping information from me because I was freaking out, so yes, lies of omission. Some of the things I found out proved to me that his feelings are deeper than he lets on to me.

He typically spends one week with us, and then one week at work, of which they will typically see each other 3-5 times. Lately he has been working a lot of overtime, so spending more time down there, and more opportunities to see her. In the past 3 weeks, I have spent 3 days with him. Granted he is not spending all three weeks with her either. But because it is related to work, he really can't choose how many days he is home with me, or down there.

I think that part of my problems are just that i have a hard time seeing him loving someone else. I never thought that would be an issue when I chose to be with him. I really am trying to wrap my head around it and do what i can to change my way of thinking about it, but it has been so difficult because I feel I was not prepared. I felt blindsided by it all, as if someone said "ok, he loves you, but now someone else too, you are just going to have to deal with that". It doesn't help that he gets very defensive of his actions sometimes so that I feel like he is fighting against me instead of being on my side.

Thanks for letting me rant! It helps just to have a place to vent my frustrations!
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  #10  
Old 03-27-2013, 03:00 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I understand your pain. It seems to me that you're more likely to get the response you want with attention and positive emotions than yelling and screaming. Obviously easier said than done. If he's showing you texts, and telling you things that happens he wants you to be part of his life. If he wanted out or didn't love you, he wouldn't be including you.
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