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Old 02-12-2011, 11:49 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Default Is our time split unusual?

I have been here a while now . I know that nothing is really new under the sun, somebody somewhere must be doing the same, but I was wondering if anybody else on here has a similiar time split to us:

My wife lives with me at our house for 4 nights (sun-wed) and then she goes and lives with her other guy (D) for 3 nights every week. (thurs-sat) Although in terms of actual hours it works out about 4 and 1/2 days to 2 and 1/2 days. She doesn't leave the house Thursday evening until the youngest kids are settled in bed. ( So I get most of thursday too!) They pick the younger children up from school on friday and also take them out on saturday afternoon, so she sees them everyday, so they are not missing out and they are also used to D being around. She also pops back to the house as and when she needs to, but she is basically D's wife for those days.
There are no limits on communication, anybody can phone /text anybody anytime they want to. For instance one of "my" days she might talk to him once or twice. .

That really works well for us and we are all happy. My wife gets to spend intensive , unhurried time with each of us and work on each relationship in turn. She likes to keep us both happy.
It is more Polyandry than polyamory. It seems the right way to do it for us somehow. But I wonder if anybody else practices something similar.
We found out from our experience over Christmas that she hates it when she has to be one day here and a few hours there, that kind of thing.
Any comments welcome, I really want to know.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:52 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
That really works well for us and we are all happy. My wife gets to spend intensive , unhurried time with each of us and work on each relationship in turn. She likes to keep us both happy.
Don't overthink and don't ask (this is sort of sarcasm). happiness is what matters Congrats on a successful poly relationship structure that works for you

For the record yours does sound unique...ish... but they all kind of are
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:36 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think it sounds great! And the fact that you are all happy within this structure would seem to indicate that it works very well for the three of you.

I am someone who, for now, would like to be independent while managing multiple relationships (when poly really gets rolling in my life). I'm not really interested in cohabiting with a mate again, nor of being in a blended household or tribe. That may change when the sting of my divorce isn't so strong, but for now, if I were in a situation such as yours, I think splitting time in that manner would work very well for me. It would seem like a great way for the fulcrum in the Vee to give fully to each relationship without being distracted by scheduling conflicts and anxieties over making sure everyone's getting enough attention that I see so many people here dealing with. And those in the position of the arms of the Vee know exactly what to expect. I also think it's great that there is flexibility built into your arrangement, that texting and calling either one is something unrestricted for her, no matter whom she is with. This sounds sane, healthy, and based on trust.

There's a lot of good to be said for STRUCTURE, and freedom is definitely something that can be nurtured within a clearly defined structure, though we often think it would be the opposite.

Heck, I think it would even work for me if I were not married. There is a guy I went out on a date with whom I would really only be able to see on the two same days each week (because of his work schedule). If we continue and develop this relationship (I'm not yet sure if I'm interested), he would be my "Monday-Tuesday boyfriend," which I would think would make it easier to make plans with others in my life. Knowing the parameters within which a relationship with him would have to operate, gave me a sense of relief, in a way.

I know you have shared this with us before, but thanks for reminding us of how you've worked it out and giving everyone something else to ponder, as far as dynamics/configuration.

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Old 02-13-2011, 01:21 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Thanks Ariakas and NYcyndie.

> It would seem like a great way for the fulcrum in the Vee to give fully to each relationship without being distracted by scheduling conflicts and anxieties over making sure everyone's getting enough attention that I see so many people here dealing with. And those in the position of the arms of the Vee know exactly what to expect. <

You have it spot on Cyndie, it is a very calming thing to know a certain time is "ours" . There are other benefits too . Although we have not had a disagreement now since Christmas, in the beginning when one of us mono "arms" had an issue, we always had plenty of time together to work things out so it was not left in anger. The flip side of that, also beneficial, is that during the three days when I was away from her I could learn to think things through clearly and without anger. I became stronger in myself far more quickly I think. Yet another simple benefit is that after a few days apart, we cannot wait to see each other again (although she does have a "transition period" when she goes from one of us to the other when she is a bit quiet, D and I have both noted this and allow her some time to adjust)
One really great thing about my wife is that she never uses one lover against another. For instance even at the beginning when she had some humdinger rows with both of us she never would throw her arms up and run to the other lover, she would stick it out. She would sometimes spend 4 days of crap with me getting me back to a good place then go to D and have 3 crap days with him smoothing over his worries. It took some time, but gradually we worked through and removed every obstacle until there were none left. She is a diamond and we both feel lucky. She is basically an honest person and when she is out with both of us you can see how happy she is it is almost as if she is going to burst with love having her two men there. The quality of our marriage is better than before.

> I also think it's great that there is flexibility built into your arrangement, that texting and calling either one is something unrestricted for her, no matter whom she is with. This sounds sane, healthy, and based on trust.<

D and I also call each other. There is a lot of respect between us.


>There's a lot of good to be said for STRUCTURE, and freedom is definitely something that can be nurtured within a clearly defined structure, though we often think it would be the opposite.<

Yes. inside our structure there are actually no rules. When I was insecure at the beginning we had a no contact rule (ie when she was with me there was no contact between them and vice versa when she was with him) but we were able to get rid of that after the first month.

>Heck, I think it would even work for me if I were not married. There is a guy I went out on a date with whom I would really only be able to see on the two same days each week (because of his work schedule). If we continue and develop this relationship (I'm not yet sure if I'm interested), he would be my "Monday-Tuesday boyfriend," which I would think would make it easier to make plans with others in my life. Knowing the parameters within which a relationship with him would have to operate, gave me a sense of relief, in a way.<

I like the word parameters. I think I will use that in future.
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Last edited by vodkafan; 02-13-2011 at 01:26 AM.
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Old 02-13-2011, 01:53 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
. . . I wonder if anybody else practices something similar.
Yes. A dear friend of mine is in a MFM Vee where she divides her time in a similar manner. Not exactly the same because of scheduling and distance, and I'm not comfortable going into much detail because it's their story to tell, but there are definite similarities.
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Old 02-13-2011, 05:18 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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As you know we have a similar arrangement. I am at/in Mono's house for part of my week and part of the week in my other "house." Your wife and I sound like we are very similar, as you and I have discussed before. The only difference is that she is poly fi and I am not. Oh how I wish that I could be... but then there are times I wish I weren't poly too, but there is no point because I am who I am.

I seem to be very good at dividing my time, and energy. Now that Mono lives below I don't ever feel that I am away from my child. That was huge for me when he was across the city during the time I spent at Mono's. Now I hear him over head and he knows he can use the intercom when he needs me... which, strangely enough he never does.

I don't tend to over think about what we do any more. Not that you are over thinking, just that at one point I did. Now I just have other things occupying that space in my head.

Tonight PN is reading, while I am on here. I spent the first half of the day, until 3 with Mono... all last night too, from supper time on. On Tuesday I will do the same. I might have another night in there and a morning. Now that we live together there is far more fluidity to when I go from one place to the other. It kind of happens. Everyone is extremely considerate of each other and checking in is a constant. Texting, emailing, phoning, coming up and down the stairs to stay connected... all very important and natural to us all now.
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Old 02-13-2011, 06:04 AM
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Hi Vodkafan,

We haven't communicated in a while

Just wondering why you're asking this? I hope it's because it's working so well for you you're wondering why it isn't more common? Or maybe you're putting it out there as a solution for others. Don't get me wrong; I'm sure it can and does work for some people but.....

I would hate it. In fact for me it's getting a teeny bit close for comfort, probably (hopefully) just in my mind.

Z's preferred living arrangement would be similar to Red Pepper and Mono's. Us all in a big house together with separate spaces. I'm fine with that, if it ever happened but I think perhaps J might prefer the two separate houses with Z moving between. She's an artist and has always had her own special space.

I feel like I have put too much of my life into this relationship to end up having it only part-time. Two houses would feel so much more part-time than us all in one.

Anyway we're all still a long way off either situation happening, it just makes me think.

Another thing I thought was that it if I was your wife I would find it draining. Because each of you guys have been away from her for a few days you are going to be really keen to see her. That means that she is going to have to keep going at a much more full-on pace of relationship for most of the time. I do wonder whether it will be sustainable for her over a long period. How long have you been doing this so far?
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Old 02-13-2011, 07:53 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi RP, actually I did not realise that you had a sort of schedule to be with each of your men..I guess you can break it down into smaller segments over a single day..I would be very interested to talk to you about any psychological "transition period" you have in going from one to another..is it completely seamless for you or is there a tiny mental period, however small, or a ritual you must do to adjust?
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Old 02-13-2011, 08:20 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Sage

>Just wondering why you're asking this? I hope it's because it's working so well for you you're wondering why it isn't more common? <

I didn't have any special reason for asking, except maybe I don't have any problems right now and it has been ages since I posted anything..

> I would hate it.
I feel like I have put too much of my life into this relationship to end up having it only part-time. Two houses would feel so much more part-time than us all in one.<

That is fair comment. Although I do believe it is the part-time aspect , the enforced (perhaps too strong a word) regular separation that has improved the QUALITY of our relationship. I think it is working for both relationships, because she has told me that she feels her feelings deepening for both of us.

>Another thing I thought was that it if I was your wife I would find it draining. Because each of you guys have been away from her for a few days you are going to be really keen to see her. That means that she is going to have to keep going at a much more full-on pace of relationship for most of the time. <

In the beginning I know for sure she was drained by it. But only because she was arguing with both of us all the time. It was the poly emotional rollercoaster the whole time without a break. But then when things calmed down and the bad days grew less and less she seemed to start thriving on it.
There is for sure a lot of sex. But she was always very practical about that. In the beginning of the V she used that as a way to make me feel OK, loved and wanted, but for a while now I haven't needed that. But we still do it almost every day.

> I do wonder whether it will be sustainable for her over a long period. How long have you been doing this so far?<

Interesting point. It has been 7 months now. She came out to a female friend a while back which has been good for her, her friend has met both of us men in turn and she spends one morning a week with her friend pampering themselves. So she has her alone times away from us to get a break.
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Old 02-13-2011, 08:23 AM
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It has only recently become seamless now that we all are in the same house. When I was going back and forth over more a day or two it was different. I still spend the same length of time with Mono and PN, just lots of short bits in between and more time together.

I have a hard time with transition at the best of times. The transition back and forth drove me crazy and was really difficult. I hated it. I lost it a few times, then we created some boundaries about it in terms of me having an hour to just "be" at either end of my time back and forth and then it was just second nature to have that time to adjust. Even LB got into it and understood it.

I never got entirely used to it and major events and holidays were the worst. It naturally seemed to indicate that we either moved closer together in terms of a family and eventually live together. We paced it well I think. We didn't rush... it all happened when everyone was good and ready. As my blog indicates
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