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  #11  
Old 03-01-2013, 07:56 PM
duke duke is offline
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GG, you nailed so many things, I can't even begin to say thanks. I'm doing so so much better after a few days. You're absolutely right about grief and skipping the initial stages. Because nothing happens that isn't 'allowed' there is no denial or shock, but something about the 'encroachment' on what has classically been your 'territory' still feels painful.

I think it explains why you can say, and really mean it "sure, have fun!" And still feel a sting.

To those who feel like a wreck: you WILL get better. The new normal will feel normal. Hang in there and put on as cheerful a face as you can.

GG, I may not like them, but I look forward to the opportunity. It looks like I will get that. It's a big part of the relief.
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  #12  
Old 03-02-2013, 12:07 AM
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Keep us posted as things progress. I hope all goes well.
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  #13  
Old 03-02-2013, 07:46 PM
duke duke is offline
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Well, just an update, no new developments per se.

Felt on top of the world for two days, today I'm down in the dumps again. It's a journey. Ups and downs. Okay, then not okay but the okay lasts longer every time.

It's important to remember (I'm telling myself this) that sometimes you take a step backwards on your way forwards. It doesn't mean you aren't making progress.
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  #14  
Old 03-03-2013, 02:20 AM
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Hang in there; it sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping it all in perspective.
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  #15  
Old 03-03-2013, 11:23 PM
soramama soramama is offline
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Dear Duke,

First of all I give you "made props" for opening yourself to feel all of these emotions for the greater good of your marriage! The majority of men could not even fathom having to courage to allow their wives to see other men.

I think you might be able to calm your negative feelings with a bit of work.

1. Tell your wife to please give you a second! A large chunk of the anxiety you have stems from the fact that they work together, and that you don't know WHEN they will have sex. If I were you, I would ask E if she could promise to not go any further until your tidal wave of jealousy has passed.

2. Maybe you need a different set of rules? Maybe no coworkers or close friends? Maybe just one night stands?

3. Read this article on how to get a grip on jealousy. http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/P.../jealousy.html

4. BREATHE, meditate go for a swim or run.


Let us know how you are progressing.

Keep your head up you courageous young man!
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  #16  
Old 03-06-2013, 06:45 AM
duke duke is offline
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Sora, thanks so much for the props and kind words! It really is a day to day journey. It's surprised me just how much different I feel day to day. One day I'll be elated, riding high, just happy to be here. The next day I'm a basket case, unable to even get distracted from the overwhelmed feeling...

I have stayed educated as much as possible, though your link, Soramama, was new to me. I like the part about visualizing triggers. I was doing that already, and having some success with it.. The problem is STOPPING the visualization! Haha.

E has been great. I'm working on balancing being honest about how I feel and sparing her the feelings that don't require her input, because me being a needy, weepy mess is NOT a turn-on. It's very lonely, though, because I can't share everything with my best friend and get her help, love and support quite as much as I would with, say, a work issue or an issue with another family member. Though I'm sure she would be happy to hold me while I sob like a baby, that wouldn't help anyone and would rob her of her fun. I feel that need less and less.

I think GalaGirl really hit it on the head for me: it's the pain of loss of something real, which was the former 'closed-ness.' Despite the fact that closed sometimes meant deception, suspicion, anxiety, lies and cheating, we somehow tell ourselves it's better when what we don't know doesn't hurt us.

What a profound and sad lie that is, considering the love and friends a person could have. But it obviously takes work, and some pain and anguish. Everyone here says it will pass, and get easier. Fingers crossed.

Ladies, do understand it's very different for a hetero male to know his wife wants to date someone else than it is for a bi female to know her man wants another girl. It's false, and unfair, but it's real. Bear with your men if you're in that position.
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  #17  
Old 03-06-2013, 07:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Despite the fact that closed sometimes meant deception, suspicion, anxiety, lies and cheating, we somehow tell ourselves it's better when what we don't know doesn't hurt us.
Closed can be fine. Been open, been closed. So I'll just state that to me it is LACK OF TRUTHINESS that leads to deception, susupicion, anxiety, lies, and cheating. One can break agreements while polyshipping too. *shrug* It isn't like "Open" automatically means "truthful and trustworthy" partner.

But I am glad to hear you are doing better day by day. Hang in there. The stages of grief take a while to get through.

There are times where I outsource some of my processing with close friends and bring DH the "cliff notes version." I totally get that you don't want to lay this all on your partner at that loud a volume.

If you plan to spread the load around and garner support elsewhere you could let her know it isn't from lack of trust in her but just that many hands make lighter work all around.

Galagirl
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  #18  
Old 03-12-2013, 06:17 AM
duke duke is offline
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I spent roughly six or seven days in complete misery, obsessed with every unhealthy thought possible. Occasionally, a light would shine though that left me feeling euphoric and giddy no matter what. I'm now finally sort of grounded.

No new 'happenings' have taken place other than an awkward reuonion between E and L, basically confirming what I suspected, that they aren't poly in the sense we are. How this plays out remains to be seen, but the important thing is this, or are these:

1. Opening your relationship to poly may mimic the feelings of being cheated on.

2. Knowing your partner is attracted to someone else enough to act upon it can throw you for a loop.

3. You may think you're okay with whatever happens. You may be surprised at what you find upsetting.

4. The feelings WILL PASS, WILL LESSEN, and you will not continue to obsess.

I could see no end in sight, but I'm past the finish line of feelings now and can look back with a little more clarity. I know now these things may crop up again, and when they do I know not to panic. They'll pass, and it's worth it. E and I are exploring and discovering things about each other again and I love it.

It really is about mourning the old normal as the new normal settles in. It's gonna be great!

Thanks so much to GalaGirl for her wise words. She was on the money. Thanks also to Soramama for her kindness, insight and for recognizing it IS DIFFERENT and in some ways far more difficult for some men.

Last edited by duke; 03-12-2013 at 06:20 AM.
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  #19  
Old 03-12-2013, 06:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad to know you are doing better with it as each day passes!

Namaste,
GG
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  #20  
Old 03-12-2013, 08:03 PM
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I hope things continue to improve.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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