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Old 11-06-2010, 09:32 PM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Default Who thinks of those left at home

When my partner goes out with her new boyfriend I am told to have compersion and to be happy for them. I am very happy that they are going out to have fun and quality time together but I also feel sad when my partner doesn't want to spend time with me. I have to babysit which is ok but it means i can't distract myself when they are out. I don't believe this is jealousy as I am happy for them to go out together and willing to mind the kids while they are out.

My question is as I am having compersion for my partner and her boyfriend what are they feeling for me? Is there a positive term for what they should be feeling for those left behind to mind the fort. I have heard some people mention gratitude or appreciation for the sacrifice but is there a particularly poly term for this gratitude or appreciation of those babysitting or alone at home while their partners are out having fun?
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Old 11-06-2010, 10:02 PM
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Hi Nightwalker and welcome

No specific word I'm afraid, gratitude has to suffice.

I hope when you say "my partner doesn't want to spend time with me" that is just how you feel and is not the actual truth of the matter. Polyamory is about adding love into your lives not about finding an alternate source and using your partner as a babysit.

Please be very careful and aware of your situation. You haven't said whether you also are poly?

I know babysitters can be expensive but even if you have a reciprocal babysitting arrangement you still you to make quality alone time with your partner a priority. I can't stress how important this is

Last edited by sage; 11-06-2010 at 10:06 PM.
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Old 11-06-2010, 10:31 PM
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Whether or not you are poly it is important that you get the same consideration and "babysitting" service afforded to you. If you just want to go out for an evening for whatever reason she should gladly watch the kids without hesitation. I'm sensing you are feeling taken for granted.
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Old 11-06-2010, 10:53 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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This is a difficult one when you have kids. Probably the biggest bugbear. Yes I agree you have to have the same considerations given to you that you are giving them. Are you happy with him babysitting your kids when you and your partner are out or are none of you ready for that yet?
You have to be clear and forthright in telling her how you feel about this, without it getting into an argument.
Obviously they are her kids too.
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Old 11-06-2010, 11:21 PM
nightwalker nightwalker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
This is a difficult one when you have kids. Probably the biggest bugbear. Yes I agree you have to have the same considerations given to you that you are giving them. Are you happy with him babysitting your kids when you and your partner are out or are none of you ready for that yet?
You have to be clear and forthright in telling her how you feel about this, without it getting into an argument.
Obviously they are her kids too.
He isn't really into kids so I don't see him ever wanting to be the babysitting type. The two of them could babysit but they feel that would be interfering with their quality time together.
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Old 11-06-2010, 11:37 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
He isn't really into kids so I don't see him ever wanting to be the babysitting type. The two of them could babysit but they feel that would be interfering with their quality time together.
My wife's other husband is happy to look after our kids, to his credit. Also he is always ready to jump in and offer things like car lifts at any time. That's the way it should be. With a relationship such as this comes responsibility for all participants.
But then again I am posiibly viewing this from the perspective of our own arrangement, which we see as a permanant thing; we don't have a plan B.
Is your partners SO likely to always be a "boyfriend"? And is their relationship still at a very early stage? Maybe your partner doesn't really want him to be involved with the kids? All these questions are relevant.
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Last edited by vodkafan; 11-06-2010 at 11:42 PM.
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Old 11-06-2010, 11:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
He isn't really into kids so I don't see him ever wanting to be the babysitting type. The two of them could babysit but they feel that would be interfering with their quality time together.
This doesn't make my spider sense tingle in a good way. It's a bit too selfish. They are treating you with respect I assume. Sounds like a selfish scenario to me....be healthy my friend.
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Old 11-07-2010, 01:48 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
When my partner goes out with her new boyfriend I am told to have compersion and to be happy for them. I am very happy that they are going out to have fun and quality time together but I also feel sad when my partner doesn't want to spend time with me. I have to babysit which is ok but it means i can't distract myself when they are out. I don't believe this is jealousy as I am happy for them to go out together and willing to mind the kids while they are out.

My question is as I am having compersion for my partner and her boyfriend what are they feeling for me? Is there a positive term for what they should be feeling for those left behind to mind the fort. I have heard some people mention gratitude or appreciation for the sacrifice but is there a particularly poly term for this gratitude or appreciation of those babysitting or alone at home while their partners are out having fun?
Hi nightwalker, taking another look at your post this seems the perfect example of what I talk about in this thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=3989&page=9

(scroll down to my post entitled examination of feelings)

You know this is not jealousy, it is your PRIDE that is being stung here and rightly so IMO. It is an indication that something is not quite right, you are being taken for granted and she needs to address this.
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Old 11-07-2010, 02:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
It is an indication that something is not quite right, you are being taken for granted and she needs to address this.
Very much agreed...
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Old 11-07-2010, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
When my partner goes out with her new boyfriend I am told to have compersion and to be happy for them. I am very happy that they are going out to have fun and quality time together but I also feel sad when my partner doesn't want to spend time with me. I have to babysit which is ok but it means i can't distract myself when they are out. I don't believe this is jealousy as I am happy for them to go out together and willing to mind the kids while they are out.

My question is as I am having compersion for my partner and her boyfriend what are they feeling for me? Is there a positive term for what they should be feeling for those left behind to mind the fort. I have heard some people mention gratitude or appreciation for the sacrifice but is there a particularly poly term for this gratitude or appreciation of those babysitting or alone at home while their partners are out having fun?
Okay, I am looking at your words here, "I am told to have compersion and to be happy for them." Red flag! no one can tell you anything, is this your words or hers? Did she tell you this or are you putting it on her? I am wondering if she wishes that you could rather than she told you to essentially suck it up and force your compersion... not possible.

"I have to babysit" You don't have to do anything, i would hope you are babysitting because you love your kids and are really happy that your partner gets to go out and have a fun night, knowing that you get to go out some nights to and do what you want to do.... while she "babysits" The whole term babysitting doesn't sit right for me when it's someones kids... that is parenting, not babysitting. What is a red flag for me here is that you use that word as if it is a grudge. If it is, that's fine, but what is behind it? What needs of yours are not being met in this situation? I would suggest really honing in on what those needs are, a need to have quality time with your partner? A need to go and explore your own passions while she stays home? a need for balance in the last two questions? That balanced feeling is where real compersion comes for me and if you don't have it, it's time to get back to the drawing board and talk about where your boundaries are at again.

as for a word? I agree with everyone else around that, there is no word. I am mostly on the receiving end of compersion and I would love there to be a word. I think mostly about the actions and responsibilities of being on the receiving end of compersion, that seems more important than a word. It's my "job" in my relationships to make sure that everyone is happy with the balance and receiving the attention they need and getting their needs met. I work hard at that as I want the compersion they feel to be real, not contrived and out of obligation. I trust that they will tell me there is an imbalance and rely on that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwalker View Post
He isn't really into kids so I don't see him ever wanting to be the babysitting type. The two of them could babysit but they feel that would be interfering with their quality time together.
If he isn't into kids and it would interfere then that isn't a plausible solution. She is just going to have to be a parent and partner and make sure that when you ask to go and do your own thing that she is ready to stay home... better figure out what you want to do with your going out time... that could be really fun I think! You have earned the right to go and have a life of your own outside of your marriage; and guess what! That is healthy...! That is being an independent person, something she had achieved already...
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