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Old 07-29-2014, 01:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Rereading yesterdays ranty posts, I feel like a whiny brat. I don't mean to give the impression I am laying the blame of the end of the relationship all at Ginger's feet. I had a role too. I was unable to come to terms with his lovestyle, his extreme attraction to so many other people, his seeming need for more relationships. The intensity of his pursuits, the adventures he wanted to have, they just didn't mesh with my current desire for calm and domesticity, settling in to the new house and form of relationship with miss pixi. I found his amours all so unsettling. Disturbing. Like a choppy sea, when what I want is a calm lake. For now, anyway.

Yesterday Ginger IMed me on FB. Just to see how I was doing. So that was... interesting. I went ahead and told him how I didn't enjoy my vacation much. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that. But WTH, I'm an honest person. I told him how the exercise and driving caused both my and miss pixi's feet and ankles to swell up, and she told me he texted her to check up on her. (We are both better now.)

She said he also texted her a few times while we were away but she didn't respond until she got home.

So, I said to him, "Looks like you're doing OK. Planning your drum event. You're not devastated." He said, "Life goes on. People are always asking about when I am going to host drumming. It is good to feel physically recovered enough to do that."

So, he expressed concern that I found my vacation overwhelming, and asked if I had any quiet moments to enjoy. I told him I did, after the fest, and he also said it looked like I got some good antiquing in. So, that means he's still checking my Flickr pix as usual.

Then I asked him how progress was going with treatment for his kidney issue and he told me. And he complimented me on my recent garden pix. And that was that.

So, that gave me something to think about for the rest of the day... Meanwhile, the leatherworker didn't write to me yesterday. Maybe he's flaking out already.

But I am making possible plans with 2 other people. One lives way up in Maine. We've been chatting about a month in a friend type way. He's a 99% match with me. Poly, pansexual, pagany, etc. Yesterday he told me he'd like to meet me. I am not sure how that will happen.

The other plans are with an old friend ... I forget if I had a nickname for him/her. The crossdresser/possible transwoman person who is married and came out to their wife a few years ago. Some of you might remember. I met them twice over the years but was holding back since they are married and the wife doesn't know they are interested in me. Well, I've been their only support in transition for the past several years, besides their therapist. They are entirely in love and lust with me, so devoted, and I find I no longer have compunction about seeing them just because of the sham marriage they are in. So, I am going to have them come visit. They got laid off from their job after Microsoft bought out the company they work for.... so they have some free time right now while job hunting.

Their devotion is nice after feeling so unstable with Ginger for so long. They are incredibly excited I gave them the green light to visit. So, that's going to happen, maybe Thursday or Friday this week.

This stuff with Leatherman and Maine Guy and Old Friend is kind of confusing and I am not sure I am really ready for any of it. I'm not real invested in any of it. It is a distraction in a good way, I guess? (In the words of Mae West, "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.") But otoh, those 3 people, combined with chatting with Ginger yesterday... my head is buzzing a bit.

I feel like a hypocrite. If I didn't like Ginger dating, why am I considering dating anyone? These nice people come along and it's hard to resist. I guess I felt like a second class citizen, dissed, taken for granted by Ginger for the past year. It's nice to feel someone, or several someones, focused on trying to meet me. *shrug* Whatever. We'll see what happens. I'm fine not dating right now. Probably better off not dating for a couple months.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #312  
Old 07-30-2014, 05:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oddly, I see on FB, Ginger is planning a second drum/dance/fire on his land on Sept 20, as well as the August 30 one. He (or maybe the drum leader) invited me to the September drum. Ginger invited miss pixi to the Aug 30 event, but didn't invite me. But he is co-hosting that with a female friend of his (platonic friend, but she's a married mono lesbian or he'd prolly be banging her too). He probably told her that I broke up with him, but didn't tell the (male) drum leader for the Sept event. I reckon that guy made up the invite list from former attendees.

I do recall this woman who is co-hosting his drum/fire visited him a month or 2 ago in his cabin, when he was still more recently post op. He did manage to give her a back massage up inside her shirt! *banghead*

He also emailed me yesterday about some kink class that he thought I'd be interested in. I don't think it's something he's interested in, just a headsup in case I am?

So, along with PMing me yesterday, it seems like he is trying to build a friendship or something. I don't know how I feel about that.

It's hard to convey here how painful it was to be one of Ginger's lovers. Yesterday a thought came to me. I don't know if it will make sense to anyone here who doesn't know him, but it did to me, and to miss pixi.

Ginger collects women. Like I collect vintage Pyrex. Like another Aspie might collect model trains, or vacuum cleaners, or electric fans or whatever. He collects women, fans, groupies, lovers, flirt partners. And I feel he collected me, and treasured me for a while, but then put me on the shelf while he went shopping again.

Most of his FB friends are women. He must PM a lot of them when he's got free time. I know this by how they respond flirtatiously when he posts certain things on his wall. Which is about every day. Several women will comment in a flirty sexy way, and a dozen or 20 will "like" his post. I know from looking at the list that of the women who respond, he's had sex with half of them and is probably trying to have sex with the rest. At least cyber sex.

Ugh.

Even though this stuff still ticks me off, I am just starting to feel a little distance and healing from it all. I've been trying to rest a lot, eat well. Sleep doesn't come easily.

Leatherman hasn't written since Sunday. I told Maine Guy I am not up to a long drive to have a date with him right now, and he understood and suggested September. Old Friend is scheduled to come here Friday and possibly next Tuesday as well. We'll see if he really makes it. He assured me today he is excited to see me on Friday. I'm excited to see him too. It's nice to feel wanted.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-30-2014 at 05:26 PM.
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  #313  
Old 07-30-2014, 06:19 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Oddly, I see on FB, Ginger is planning a second drum/dance/fire on his land on Sept 20, as well as the August 30 one. He (or maybe the drum leader) invited me to the September drum. Ginger invited miss pixi to the Aug 30 event, but didn't invite me. But he is co-hosting that with a female friend of his (platonic friend, but she's a married mono lesbian or he'd prolly be banging her too). He probably told her that I broke up with him, but didn't tell the (male) drum leader for the Sept event. I reckon that guy made up the invite list from former attendees.

I do recall this woman who is co-hosting his drum/fire visited him a month or 2 ago in his cabin, when he was still more recently post op. He did manage to give her a back massage up inside her shirt! *banghead*

He also emailed me yesterday about some kink class that he thought I'd be interested in. I don't think it's something he's interested in, just a headsup in case I am?

So, along with PMing me yesterday, it seems like he is trying to build a friendship or something. I don't know how I feel about that.

It's hard to convey here how painful it was to be one of Ginger's lovers. Yesterday a thought came to me. I don't know if it will make sense to anyone here who doesn't know him, but it did to me, and to miss pixi.

Ginger collects women. Like I collect vintage Pyrex. Like another Aspie might collect model trains, or vacuum cleaners, or electric fans or whatever. He collects women, fans, groupies, lovers, flirt partners. And I feel he collected me, and treasured me for a while, but then put me on the shelf while he went shopping again.

Most of his FB friends are women. He must PM a lot of them when he's got free time. I know this by how they respond flirtatiously when he posts certain things on his wall. Which is about every day. Several women will comment in a flirty sexy way, and a dozen or 20 will "like" his post. I know from looking at the list that of the women who respond, he's had sex with half of them and is probably trying to have sex with the rest. At least cyber sex.

Ugh.

Even though this stuff still ticks me off, I am just starting to feel a little distance and healing from it all. I've been trying to rest a lot, eat well. Sleep doesn't come easily.

Leatherman hasn't written since Sunday. I told Maine Guy I am not up to a long drive to have a date with him right now, and he understood and suggested September. Old Friend is scheduled to come here Friday and possibly next Tuesday as well. We'll see if he really makes it. He assured me today he is excited to see me on Friday. I'm excited to see him too. It's nice to feel wanted.
Nyquil started making something called Zzzquil that has the sleep enhancing parts of Nyquil without all the other stuff for colds and flu. Last year when my exboyfriend broke up with me, I went through 2 1/2 bottles of it before I started sleeping normally on my own. I talked to my sleep doctor about it (I have sleep apnea and just happened to have a follow up for it about 2 weeks after the breakup) and she said that it's a good short term solution for situations like this. That it's milder than anything she could prescribe me and much less addictive than prescription sleep aids. So if you feel like you need some help being able to get the sleep you need to heal, I'd suggest that.
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  #314  
Old 07-30-2014, 06:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Time for a break

Mags,

I am so sorry you and Ginger were ultimately incompatible. I hoped otherwise.

That said, I suggest you think about cutting off all contact with him for 40 days. I do this after a breakup. I tell the other person I'm not going to talk, text, FB or any contact or communication with them at all for 40 days. It's not to punish them. I find I am much more able to be a friend with an ex using this break than without it. I use that time to reflect, to process and basically move on. A little over a month is long enough to have that process get fairly far along (at least for me).

You need a break to sort out your own head, in peace and quiet. This technique is a good way to make the space necessary for that to happen.
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  #315  
Old 07-30-2014, 08:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Thanks for the suggestions, friends.

I didn't plan to contact Ginger any time in the foreseeable future. I've never managed to be friends with an ex, though my ex h and I are "friendly," since we are still co-parents. But we don't hang out on a regular basis or anything. And I find him kind of irritating so don't desire "friendship."

As for Ginger, I dunno. He's pissing me off right now. I have kept him as a FB and FL friend. I am semi torturing myself with looking at his posts. I see he just added he is "into Manhandling" as a fetish on FL. No doubt a flirt thing out to David, his new bi lover.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #316  
Old 07-31-2014, 03:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, I finally finally had a day to really rest yesterday. No dr appts for miss p, no guests, no birthday parties. miss pixi spent the day cleaning and organizing the house. I did a couple projects with her. We got the tents aired and put away. We hung a couple mirrors.

But mostly I sat on the couch and sulked. And finally around 8pm the tears started to really fall. It was the cry I needed and had tamped down for 2 1/2 weeks. I said upthread I had 2 meltdowns on vacation, but they were short-lived, 10 or 15 mins. Always had to cut them short because we had places to go and people around.

Last night I cried for 4 hours straight. miss p was still cleaning, then she was finally able to talk to her bf online. But eventually she sat with me and she cried too.

Ginger led me to believe he had more to offer than he does. Our first year, I had no idea of how many women he was still chatting with on FB, flirting, getting his jollies. I don't think he hid it on purpose, he just didn't think to bring it up. When he came to visit me in my former apartment he was so devoted and focused. Aspies sure can focus!

Since I moved and his NRE faded, his focus changed. Suddenly he had this Mischa and Buddhist in his life. "Oh, I've been chatting with both of them for years." Oh really? News to me. All I'd heard of was his wife, and his 3 ex gfs. Didn't know he had his line in the waters, fishing for more, all along. Once he had me and miss pixi in the bag, living nearby, he had more free time, and not with us. He wanted more! More more more

Greedy much? Of course, he'd be highly insulted to hear it put this way.

So heartbreaking, to be led astray like this. And he just didn't get it. We'd have this long relationship talks, alone or with miss p, and he'd say the right things, seem to be caring, patient, committed, but then the very next day, do or say something to make it all go to shit again.

Just impossible. I kind of feel sorry for Carla and David, even, all in their NRE as newly poly, and adoring this Ginger who will hurt them down the road with his Aspie self-centeredness. Not to mention his health issues. It was always something. Sciatica, dizziness (he has low blood pressure, and the meds he took to try and shrink his prostate cause dizziness), his food and pollen allergies, his Lyme disease, his anaplasmosis, his heartburn which was an excuse not to sleep with me, on and on. Then the surgery.

I swear in our second year, I did 85% of the driving. He always had an excuse not to drive. Dizzy, tired, sore. I was his chauffeur to a drum event in April. I went to his place first. He had acted eager to see me and hot for me online, wanting to have sex before going out. But by the time I got there and started undressing, he was out of the mood. So I drove him to Trader Joe's for chocolate to rev him up, and then to the drumming. Where he got revved up, all right. That was the night of the flirtatious Carla putting her hairband on him. And then he danced with Sally and her most of the night, in his sexy way. And Carla attacked him with a huge hug as we went to leave. And I drove him to that event! Only to have him be sexual with those 2 all night. God.

In other news, Leatherman still hasnt written to me. I was on okc last night and saw him sign on, but he didn't respond to my latest PM, which I'd written last Sunday. I wrote to him this morning asking if he's changed his mind. Oh well, he was 50 miles away anyway.

And "Old Friend" also flaked on me. Made some kind of job interview appointment right over our proposed Friday date. Said s/he could possibly do next Tuesday but I said, don't bother. I sure don't need that kind of "maybe" right now. S/he had told me she had extra free time now she's been laid off, but actually she is much busier than s/he thought. S/he had had her kids enrolled in day camp but is pulling them after this week to save money. So, so much for getting irl comfort and fun from her! She's always flaking on me anyway. So annoying. Somehow I thought she really meant it this time.

I have today and tomorrow to continue to grieve, and then our houseguest AND her dog, come to find out, will arrive on Saturday. I sure hope she finds a house or apt soon. I am so tired of people right now, and miss pixi feels so social, since she is doing so well in her transition and confidence these days. I guess I will spend time hiding in the bedroom a lot, or something.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #317  
Old 07-31-2014, 08:02 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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I see a lot of similarities with Ginger and Salamander. I suppose our relationship would have ended up like yours if it would have continued. Not a pleasant idea and I'm sorry your relationship wasn't as happy as you hoped it would be. I think Opalescents idea of 40 days without contact is really good. I wish I'd know of it sooner, it would really have helped.

There's no point in torturing yourself with social media. If seeing Gingers posts upsets you, hide them. Try it out. For a few days you'll be seeking them out (unless you block him) and then your mind will find other things to focus on. You need rest, don't stress yourself over this more than is necessary.
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  #318  
Old 08-01-2014, 12:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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(((((HUGS)))))
I hope you get some more rest and find the peace you need.
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  #319  
Old 08-01-2014, 12:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I see a lot of similarities with Ginger and Salamander. I suppose our relationship would have ended up like yours if it would have continued. Not a pleasant idea and I'm sorry your relationship wasn't as happy as you hoped it would be.
Hi copperhead. I read your threads and blog to see what you meant comparing Salamander and Ginger, but I still don't see it. Ginger wasn't a liar. He is just "very poly." Maybe you mean that they both spend "too much" time chatting up others, at the expense of the devoted lover who wants more of their time and energy and focus?

I think ethical poly means you don't neglect established lovers to constantly flirt, chat and pursue others. Sure, the endorphin rush from getting a sexy response from a new person feels GREAT, but for me at least, being with a lover who knows you through and through, shares a history, and loves the hell out of you is just as good, if not better! And so one must be very careful to work at maintaining the established relationship(s) while also pursuing others.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, but the other gold."

And some of Ginger's new "friends," especially Buddhist, turned out to not even be silver, more like brass or tin. Clank. And now he's lost the goose who lays the golden eggs (me).

Quote:
I think Opalescents idea of 40 days without contact is really good. I wish I'd know of it sooner, it would really have helped.
I might contact him and see if a friendship is possible eventually. I know miss pixi wants to keep him as a friend, so it would be odd and awkward if he and I weren't, on some kind of level, friends as well. I am thinking I might need more than 40 days, since he is in this pesky NRE with C&D, and that is what turned me off so much. Maybe several months down the road, his NRE will decrease in intensity and I won't feel so annoyed, will be able to feel some lesser investment in all that.

Quote:
There's no point in torturing yourself with social media. If seeing Gingers posts upsets you, hide them. Try it out. For a few days you'll be seeking them out (unless you block him) and then your mind will find other things to focus on. You need rest, don't stress yourself over this more than is necessary.
I think there is a point in "torturing" myself? To bring home the reality of him being so into them... Like, there's Ginger/Carla/David-- lovers. Here is me/miss pixi/possible new guys-- lovers. Line down the middle between the new groups. I am no longer enmeshed with Ginger. He is free to pursue others, I have no say in it, and soon it won't even hurt me to think about it. It's his path. Our paths diverged.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-01-2014 at 01:14 PM.
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  #320  
Old 08-01-2014, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
(((((HUGS)))))
I hope you get some more rest and find the peace you need.
Thanks so much, cindie. I actually slept better after my crying fit, and last night too. Oddly I am drawn into chatting with 2 new men on okc, and even though Old Friend flaked on me (she has emotional issues up the wazoo), I've also been texting with my ex D/Boytoy lately.

I hesitate to call him Boytoy as it makes him seem like a "thing" for use, but he is so young, still only 25, and cute as a button, and we had such good sexual chemistry. We still do actually, but he is still involved with his gf, ostensibly mono.

He was being too sexual when texting me in the past, which pushed my "cheating" buttons, but lately he's been making a nice effort to just chat me in a friendly way. Asking about my life, asking about the music fest, etc. Last night I got back to him after leaving him hanging about 2 weeks ago when he was being friendly and asking about the festival. So I filled him in on that, and also told him about my breakup, and he was nicely sympathetic.

Then we talked about what's for dinner, and he made one tiny sexual innuendo type joke, I told miss p, she laughed and got a little turned on, and D and I ended up reminiscing about our past good times, and getting kinda turned on. sigh... I was bad. In my book, D is cheating on his gf when he chats me like that. But it felt good! I needed a good feeling. miss p and I had sex while chatting D on and off, and also trying to watch Project Runway. I finally gave her her birthday spanking too! Made for a fun night. Actually the "funnest" night I've managed to have in a while. I woke up with a smile on my face today, which has not happened in ages.

I guess, I felt like, in flirting and reminiscing with D, I was doing some good for MYSELF. The 2 weeks immediately following my breakup, I had to do so much for miss pixi. The trip to NY is to her old hometown, her weird family, her old friends, and then we came home and her camp friends threw her a birthday party the very next day. So, since I love her, I am happy to support her seeing her old and newer friends and family. But in my state, that was a fuck ton of work for me, to tamp down my needs and desires (to just cry, to cuddle her, have lots of sex for healing, etc) and "serve" her. sigh...

It was good for her, the NY trip. I did a good job supporting her. She said she had the best visit to NY ever. She came out to a bunch of her mom's sisters, brothers, grandmother, and her own cousins, at a family reunion on the Sunday we were in NY too. That was huge and she made it through with flying colors.

But flirting with D. That was for me. And I needed something like that, apparently, because, I feel better today!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-01-2014 at 01:34 PM.
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