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  #271  
Old 06-26-2014, 02:53 PM
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It was fun time, but so crowded! Our poor waitress. Well, at least the noise level was high so our talks of poly and all that that entails was drowned out by everyone's chatter!

miss p is going away to camp on Saturday. I will be here alone with the dog for a week. Ginger and I are making plans to visit some local lakes he knows about, for swimming. Swimming really calms me down, so that is good.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #272  
Old 06-28-2014, 06:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I feel like I do put a damper on his dating, and so at one point I said, maybe you'd be better off without me. He replied, If you left, my life would totally fall apart.
This is the sense I've had about Ginger - that because he has you and counts on your love and for certain of his needs being met, he feels stable and confident enough to seek out others. If he didn't have such fulfilling and satisfying relationships with you and his wife, with whom there is a reliable "home base" of love and security, he probably wouldn't be as adventurous to pursue things with other people. You give him what he needs to truly feel okay being himself - and he's poly.

It's a compliment to what you give him, but ironic, ain't it?
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  #273  
Old 06-29-2014, 12:09 AM
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David came to him for a first one on one on Thursday. Now I just get home from driving miss pixi to NH and various errands to have him tell me both of them are coming over tonight! Raging love affair.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #274  
Old 07-09-2014, 10:07 PM
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Things got so crazy with Ginger and his NRE for Carla and David, I started another thread for help. So, latest updates are over there. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70559

I posted about going to the 4th of July party with him, and them being there, and Carla avoiding Ginger out of respect for me and fear of being overly demonstrative, them not being out, etc.

I didn't mention, in the week before the party, miss pixi was away at camp. Meanwhile Ginger had told his lovers he wanted to take a week off from sexual intimacy with them. I came to find out tho, that week was Carla's week for PMS and her period anyway. So him asking for time off was kind of redundant.

Anyway, he and I had a mostly good week, and a couple days were extra good, and one 20 hour period was actually great. On July 3rd we watched a movie (I wanted him to see Big Lebowski, because of his own Dude-like qualities), watched fireworks, both on my big screen, then it was thunderstorming and we watched it together, lots of sex and laughs and fun. He spent two nights with me that week and we saw each other for part of pretty much every day.

On both overnights, he was having so much fun, he exclaimed, "We need to do this more often!"

Whereas I'd been missing more actual time spent together, grieving the lost time, he wasn't aware of what we'd lost until we actually made some extended time together happen.

So, all that was good. Fun and bonding. Then the party happened and things kinda went to shit again!

A couple days ago Carla messaged me on FB. She was reaching out. She was asking me about my problems with them dating Ginger, and whether there was anything she could do to make things easier. We talked back and forth about our backgrounds in poly, my expectations for my relationship with Ginger. She said her husband "adores" Ginger and I reckon she does too. As far as I know, from what she said, what Ginger has said, they are all coming just this close to coming out and saying I love you to each other.

So, it was nice of her to reach out. We 4 are getting together in 2 days for the long awaited pow wow. So our IMing was some good preliminary work.

Sometimes it all just feels like work. SO much work. So many issues, so many emotions, so many awkward conversations. It's like, I've been given these people, these hot and sexy and horny poly noobs, as family. Whether I want it or not. And to keep Ginger, I have to work around their couples' issues (David's jealous request for no one on ones for Carla and Ginger, their non-outness, their need for spontaneous nearly last minute dates, Carla's fucking menstrual cycle for godssakes!). It's exhausting and maddening.

And meanwhile Ginger's genitourinary tract issues (even as the prostate heals, he has continued pain on his right side and back from complex cysts on his right kidney that will need to be aspirated) just makes everything that much harder.

Now Ginger is planning a drum dance on his land. He generally has one once a year in late summer or early fall. In fact, at last year's in October, I recall seeing Carla for the first time and read in her body language her new found crush on him. This year, of course he wants to invite all 3 of us. But I reminded him I have avoided 2 months of drum/kirtan, and the one I finally went to last Sat, at the party, did not go well. So I said, if he invites them I will probably stay away. Of course, he hadn't thought this far ahead, despite mowing his parking field this past week in anticipation for the party.

So, he got all sad, and said if I wasn't coming, he didn't want to have it. Finally he said, if I left early, he could have them come late. We could be staggered. (But what if I don't want to leave early?)

Also we talked about how much PDAs I would be comfortable with Carla showing in front of me. She is a touchy feely person in general and has a habit of touching even her platonic friends a lot, in dance, huge long lasting hugs, massages, even sitting on people's laps or spontaneous cuddle puddles.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-10-2014 at 03:00 AM.
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  #275  
Old 07-10-2014, 03:06 AM
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I remember 2 months or more ago, at a drum dance, Carla had her long lustrous dark hair in a high ponytail, and was swinging it around purposely, as part of the dance, and Ginger started swinging his long locks, and she took off her hairband and swept up his hair and bound it so he could swing it.

That was before they were a couple.

And shit, I'm a loosey goosey hippie chick, but I thought, that is really getting all up in his personal space. He loved it of course. Swung his damn hair so hard he forgot about his glasses and they went flying off.

So, that is how she is with platonic friends. miss pixi says she gets up up in ppl's business because she wants more sex partners, so does that kind of thing to see who responds.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #276  
Old 07-10-2014, 11:27 AM
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Oops, I wrote this last night but forgot to hit send:

A week ago Carla gave me dates that she and David would be free to see Ginger. July 11, 14 an 16.

I said ok, and can one of those days be used for all 4 of us (5 actually, because miss p wants to be there) to get together and pow wow? She said sure, she'd love that.

And then despite claiming those dates, she then made plans for her and David to get together with Ginger TODAY. Which he agreed to. Which, I did get that request 2 days ago, so technically it was within the 2 day window I'd asked for as a general rule... but jeez. Give em an inch they take a mile.

So, Ginger saw them today, for a public date at local lake beach, midday for a picnic. I was not "allowed" to ask about it or talk about it this afternoon or evening as we have made a boundary for him to be able to "savor his good time" for 24 hrs after a date.

They were supposed to "talk." Hence the public date.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #277  
Old 07-11-2014, 01:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I remember 2 months or more ago, at a drum dance, Carla had her long lustrous dark hair in a high ponytail, and was swinging it around purposely, as part of the dance, and Ginger started swinging his long locks, and she took off her hairband and swept up his hair and bound it so he could swing it.

. . . He loved it of course. Swung his damn hair so hard he forgot about his glasses and they went flying off.

So, that is how she is with platonic friends. miss pixi says she gets up up in ppl's business because she wants more sex partners, so does that kind of thing to see who responds.
TBH, that sounds like a playful, spontaneous way to meet and get to know someone. I could see myself doing that - it sounds like they had fun. If I'd told you I went to an event like that and did the same thing with a man I'd met there, I have a sneaking suspicion you would have given me some kind of "atta girl" cheering on. But I realize this is Ginger we're talking about, so she was all up in his business, invading his personal space. She must be evil, lending him her scrunchie.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
A week ago Carla gave me dates that she and David would be free to see Ginger . . . I said ok . . . then despite claiming those dates, she then made plans for her and David to get together with Ginger TODAY. Which he agreed to. Which, I did get that request 2 days ago, so technically it was within the 2 day window I'd asked for as a general rule... but jeez. Give em an inch they take a mile.
Mags, you know I regard you as a friend and we've shared a lot, so I hope you won't hate me for saying this, but I think you are losing your mind a little over this. Is a "mile" with Ginger truly yours to give? Have you now put yourself in the position of approving his calendar? Does his wife even do that? Does everyone agreeing to give you a heads-up a few days in advance acctually mean Ginger is no longer free to be spontaneous and that he is not allowed to spend his time as he wants?

Your metamours don't have to be your enemies just because you were there before they were. I truly hope this situation stops being so intensely uncomfortable for you. I've been thinking about you quite a lot.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 07-11-2014 at 11:07 AM.
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  #278  
Old 07-11-2014, 06:06 PM
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She didnt "lend him her scrunchie." She took it off her hair and put it into his hair herself. Flirtatious indeed. Go for it girlfriend. Even though his established gf is standing right there. Whatever. He's poly, anything goes.

So, he came over last night. After some terrible "sex" because of his pain, we went out to the living room to talk. I ended up realizing there is so much jealousy and angst between Ginger/Carla/Doug, I really didn't want to see them tonight. I don't want to be in the middle, I don't want to be "supportive" or "give advice" anymore.

Yesterday morning I shared some of the anxiety advice I read here, from LR, which I found very helpful, with Ginger, and he asked me to share it with David. So I gave G permission to share it with David. I also sent all 3 the "Are you in poly hell?" link.

Now I am done "helping." I am almost done caring or feeling anxious. I am just kind of sad. And bored.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-11-2014 at 06:30 PM.
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  #279  
Old 07-11-2014, 06:27 PM
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David lies on the far side of bed, beside his wife and male lover, watching with jealousy as Carla and Ginger gaze into each others' eyes, wrapped in each others' arms, whispering sweet nothings. David just wants to get to the sex. But now Ginger is not managing to do sex very well. So there's more romance, what they call "connection" going on between Ginger and Carla, than sex. And they are basically fine with that. But D isn't. And so there he lies, watching. Waiting. And suffering.

And when Ginger described this scene last night, I said, "Ach, it's all so complicated! All that."

And he chuckles benignly and said, "I like complicated."

And I said, "Well, I don't."

And so, I am losing respect for him, the way they are going on with this really really awkward triad. It kinda makes me sick. It's like, to Ginger, we, his lovers, are one big science experiment, mechanical moving parts, and he pushes a button here, moves a lever there, and then collects his data, changes his hypothesis, logs it into his flow chart, and moves on to the next day of experimenting.

He must be getting off on having 3 lovers vying for his attention. miss pixi first suggested that to me. It makes sense, and my sister concurs also.

Cindie, I don't see my metamours as my enemies. I've been around poly long enough to not think that way. I do feel they are my competitors. There is much more about this situation than I have shared here. Some of it is just too private. So, try not to judge, as I can't share the whole story. It wouldn't be ethical.

Ginger is going to the regular monthly drumming tomorrow night. I asked him to come here afterward and spend the night. Not just because if I didn't, there was a good chance he'd have them back to his place afterwards. Because I am sure they will be there. But because I am trying very hard to keep some sort of healthy connection going between Ginger and me. If I want to spend more time, I need to ask for it. miss pixi will be at her Dom's place for the night. Next week she and I are going away for a week.

I am working 4-8 tomorrow night. Ginger can get here anytime after I return. I expect a trying time with him, because of his pain. He has a MRI to investigate his kidney scheduled for next week. God knows how long he needs to wait for another surgery.

And so it goes.

I was going to have them come here tonight. But I cancelled this morning. I don't want to be in the midst of this dynamic. Let them work it out. I don't even want to sit around trying to make "vanilla" chit chat, and "get to know them better" at this point. I don't see the point.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #280  
Old 07-11-2014, 06:40 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is online now
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I don't have any advice or words of wisdom. I just wanted to tell you that I've been reading your posts, and thinking about you. It sucks that things are rough right now, and I hope your situation gets better.
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