Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #261  
Old 05-16-2014, 12:58 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

She had mentioned that she and David have been together 15 years. I responded that I've only been with Ginger 2 1/2 years, and how in some ways, I feel like I barely know him. God knows, he's done some unexpected things in the past year, and I've felt out of the loop.

Also I shared this jealousy link with both her and Ginger yesterday.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

I've been reading and rereading it. I want to determine what both Ginger and I are doing or not doing to have created this disconnect in our relationship.

It's easy to pinpoint what Ginger is doing that results in my feeling hurt and shocked and blindsided over and over again.

He is carried away by his NRE. He was so into her Saturday night, he didnt stop to think going to the next stage of intimacy with her the night before my daughter's unexpected wedding might just add more stress to me than I was already under. Almost unbearable stress and pain.

I don't feel great that, while I was dealing with the wedding stress, he went ahead and had a date with Carla both Thursday and Saturday, right before the wedding on Sunday.

He has also dismissed my feelings. I posted here how he laughed multiple times at my pain when we had that 6 hour relationship discussion. I know, as an Apsie, my emotions seemed kind of ridiculous to him. He couldn't help but laugh in a scoffing way.

Also he is not being reliable, just doing his thing without checking in with me. 2 of his last 3 sexually intimate dates, I did not know about until after the fact! Also, he "came home" (ie: signed off chat) 2 hours later last Saturday than I expected, and didn't say good night.

He also has cursed at me, telling me, "fuck you," and to "fuck off." Plus during the face to face talk, at one point he put his face and his finger in my face and yelled at me in a very aggressive manner.

To his credit, he has also been extra loving, telling me he loves me much more (altho I have mixed feelings about that... it seems like he's saying it just to butter me up). But he has been willing to have difficult talks about all his dating, the mess of dating a person new to poly, etc., etc. He has taken responsibility for mistakes he's made.

For example, when we had the long talk, I mentioned how it took me 3 years of dating to find him, "Mr Right." His response to that indicated he did not like being thought of as so right for me, and said it felt like "pressure." Which of course, hurt me, as it felt like my love for him was inconveniencing him rather than warming him. I don't feel I have been co-dependent. After all, I've got miss pixi, I've got hobbies and a job and volunteer work, etc. So, yesterday, he apologized for feeling this way, and said it's his shit that he has to work through. He "loves that I love him."

However, him not feeling well before and now, after, the surgery, has definitely hampered our emotional and physical connection. Even if he wasn't in NRE with Carla, this health issue would be challenging.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-16-2014 at 01:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #262  
Old 05-16-2014, 01:13 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

Back to the "jealousy" link: on my end.

I think I am a good communicator. I am trying hard to identify my emotions down to their roots. How much of what Ginger does is hurting me, or how much is just triggering past hurts from my ex husband? Things like that. I am trying hard to break down my jealousy into manageable bits. I've told him how I want to feel special to him (altho at first he couldn't tell me I was).

I keep contrasting why it is I feel almost nothing but compersion for miss pixi and her Master, yet feel all bent out of shape for Ginger having a new partner. Argh!

Of course, I am willing to meet with Carla and David. Ginger is the one that seems afraid of me communicating with Carla. He's afraid I will say something so harsh, she will back out of wanting to be with him. (This doesn't seem like a valid fear, she's majorly hot for him.) It's all she can do just to slow the pace of physical intimacy. I am quite sure she can hardly wait to do oral and PiV with him, and isn't about to back out.

I am being courageous, I am doing self care, I love myself. I am trying to creatively work on this problem, over and over again.

However, I feel distant from him. The last time I saw him, last Friday night, when he got here, I was unmotivated to go to immediate delicious sex. Instead, we sat on the couch, miss pixi also in the room in a chair. I laid on Ginger's side, cuddling. We all chatted. But I didn't want to meet his eyes. I didn't feel close to him. Finally, after a full hour, I was willing to go have sex. But my heart wasn't in it. I felt like I was fucking a stranger. I even had to go into a headspace of remembering about when I was dating a lot and what it felt like to actually fuck a stranger, to be able to have pleasure and cum.

Blech. This all sounds terrible, doesn't it?

He gets his catheter out today. Now his reamed out prostate just has to continue to heal. He has tried to suppress all sexy thoughts all week since arousal felt bad with this thick catheter in place. I am not sure when he will be able to have any kind of sex again, could be another week, could be 2 or 3 more weeks.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-16-2014 at 01:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #263  
Old 05-25-2014, 12:10 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

Time for a relationship update.

miss pixi's new bf/Master is pretty introverted, but he's becoming more and more comfortable with having her at his place. In fact, she is now at his place for a 2 night visit! I am basically OK with it, though since we've been living together for a year now, I am accustomed to having her around. I just need to remind myself I lived alone for 3 years, so I can manage 2 days without her. I am glad she's having fun with him.

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Ginger's operation on his prostate. It's been a rough recovery. He is still having bleeding. He still gets uncomfortable "down there." He hasn't driven a car yet.

I've seen him twice since the operation. The first time we just hung out, took a little walk, talked, kissed just a little. The 2nd time, a few days ago, he felt he wanted to try a little sexy time. We laid in his bed and made out, he did some nice things to me digitally and orally. I touched him a little but very gently. It was fun, and the cuddling when we let the sexy feeling die down was very good.

However, since then he's decided he should try more to not get aroused as he thinks he has more bleeding after an extended time being erect. That means, no visits from me, miss pixi or Carla. I miss him. This is difficult. I am managing sexually without him, miss pixi and I have sex, I can also take care of myself, but he misses the sex, and I wish I could at least cuddle him just for comfort and bonding. According to what he has researched, it could take many more weeks until he is healed enough for sexy time or actual intercourse. sigh...

I know he's still in the throes of NRE with Carla. Of course. They haven't even officially consummated yet. I find I really don't want to hear about her. I want to meet with her and David, along with Ginger, so I can find out if we can all get on the same page, but he's really not up to that challenge yet. So it's on hold, like everything else.

So, I feel uncomfortable still with him having this gf. I feel mostly OK with miss p being with her bf. Happy for her. Occasional twinges of jealousy and envy are fleeting. We have good sex, tons of cuddles, shared activities and words of love. But just the same, it's still difficult being with 2 partners who are in NRE with their new people!

I've stopped going to OK Cupid again. I had a few nibbles there, but nothing came of it, partly because men can suck, and partly because my heart just isn't in it right now.

Ginger and I IM chat a lot. He is able to do some work around his place, starting to get the screen porch back up on his little cabin, wiring up some outdoor lights to light the way from the main house and driveway up to his cabin. He can go shopping with his wife if she drives. He takes lots of walks on his land which can help him feel more comfortable in the surgery area.

I've been gardening a lot. Last year was spent getting the interior of our new place set up, and we did minimal gardening. This spring it's all about planting flowers! Fun! We also put 2 tomato plants on our deck.

If Ginger wasn't Aspie and being tactful came to him more naturally, this would be easier. Sometimes he just blurts things out about her in a way that results in me feeling down. I don't think he can change that. I have to learn to anticipate those times so I can just let it roll off my back.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #264  
Old 05-25-2014, 03:14 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 356
Default

Hi Mags,

It sounds like you are dealing better with things now? Hope so. I've been meaning to post for a while but haven't had time. I have a few more thoughts that I may add later.

Mostly I just wanted to say that my dad had the same operation as Ginger last year. It really cured some of the issues he'd been having. After the operation, he had some bleeding for a while (maybe a full month?) and got better slowly. But overall, the operation was a really good thing for him.

Best wishes!
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #265  
Old 05-26-2014, 12:16 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Hi Mags,

It sounds like you are dealing better with things now? Hope so. I've been meaning to post for a while but haven't had time. I have a few more thoughts that I may add later.
Thanks, Meera. Yes, things are better around here, despite yet another (minor) flood. The shower diverter had gone bad and water was leaking from there down into our newly carpeted basement. But a plumber fixed it. No damage to the new carpet, just some warping on one of the laundry room cabinets.

My back has been mostly behaving. It did go slightly out last week, but I now have a manoeuvre the osteo taught me that pops my hip back into the right place.

My newly married daughter still seems to be on an even keel.

So, the only real problem right now is waiting for Ginger's bits to heal. And adjusting to him having Carla in his life.

Quote:
Mostly I just wanted to say that my dad had the same operation as Ginger last year. It really cured some of the issues he'd been having. After the operation, he had some bleeding for a while (maybe a full month?) and got better slowly. But overall, the operation was a really good thing for him.

Best wishes!
Thanks! That is great to hear!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #266  
Old 06-08-2014, 02:44 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

It's been almost 2 weeks since I updated.

I was alone last night. Miss Pixi went to see her Master for an overnight, leaving at 3pm yesterday. Ginger finally felt well enough to attempt a drive, so he went to kirtan. He messaged me when he got home and again this morning, saying he did well with the drive and the singing and socializing.

I didn't do so great last night. Just felt lonely and depressed. My life has seemed kind of empty in some ways lately. Things with miss pixi are great. Otherwise, no one called me to do childcare in a month, so I took a hit financially and also missed the kids of the 3 families I work for. Also, miss p and I need to save money and so I havent been able to go poking around in thrift stores. Then, of course, Ginger being post op has been rough.

But things will turn around. I did do childcare 2 days ago, and am booked to work next week and the week after as well. Ginger is healing and soon will be ready for sex and other activities. I just need to keep being careful with our finances. We are saving for summer vacation trips.

But ugh, after a break for surgery and recovery, Ginger will be resuming with Carla. He saw her last night at kirtan, but they acted "restrained." She's not out as poly, of course. He also told me she told him she had a "cold sore" earlier in the week, her first outbreak in 10 years. Oh great.

They are scheduled for a one on one date on Thurs or Friday this week. I am just assuming it will be time for intercourse.

They had only seen each other once since the surgery, until last night. I however, have seen him 4 times, twice I went to visit him at his place, once he made the drive over here (with resulting discomfort), and once, miss p and I took him to a followup dr visit at the hospital, and he took us out for lunch afterwards to thank us for the ride. We have had some limited sexy time, with mixed results.

As I have said, I am trying so hard to come to accept Ginger needing/wanting/having so many intimate relationships in his life. As it is, now, I do not understand it, and have not accepted it. Since I don't, I feel like a large chunk of Ginger is cut off from me now. It was different our first year. Now it feels like I need to pull back and treat him more as a casual lover/friend than a real partner. And that sucks. It feels like a DADT thing, and I miss the closeness, joy and ease we used to have. I don't know what to do. I just can't feel compersion for him and Carla.

It was hard to do self care last night. I was just so sad and lonely. I wasn't able to just enjoy my own company. I couldnt fall asleep til 2AM, and woke at 6... so tired now, but I tried to nap and it didn't work. Guess I'll go mow the lawn.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #267  
Old 06-09-2014, 01:51 PM
FullofLove1052's Avatar
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 912
Default

Sending hugs your way. There is no rule that says you have to feel compersion for someone. Anyone who says you absolutely must is full of shit, and it does not make you any less poly, if you do not. Sometimes it is just not possible and forcing it will not make it come. That is like having bad sex and forcing yourself to fake an orgasm to make your partner think they did something spectacular. The key might be to change the shape of your relationship to that of a more casual arrangement or secondary. He is in NRE, and can you really endure this for the next 12-18 months? If anything, the disconnect will grow and cause even more distance and strain.

It seems like this current arrangement is hurting you, and that alone is unhealthy because it is not getting any better. As we all know, relationships ebb and flow. Your relationship with Ginger could be transitioning from the shape that it has been to a different one. I am all for discovering the new normal. Is this what people call growing pains? You have to take care of yourself. I am not going to offer that godawful advice of getting another partner because at this point it would be just filling a void. I do hope it gets better for you,
Reply With Quote
  #268  
Old 06-26-2014, 12:52 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

Thanks for the support, FoL.

I haven't updated in over 2 weeks. Things are still kinda crazy with Ginger. He is still healing from the prostate operation. Things are improving oh so slowly. I hope in another month or two he will be back to full operations.

I tried to establish a deal where he only told me the basics about developments with Carla, but that leads to me feeling distant from him.

Last Saturday night I had to work. Ginger had invited me to an outdoor drum/dance in a different town about 45 mins away, but I wasn't free. However, he really wanted to go out, and was considering driving himself there. However, his wife told him it would surely be bad for his healing to attempt 1 1/2 hrs of driving. So he posted on the event page on FB, looking for a ride. An hour before I had to leave for work, he told me this, and said Carla and David were going to drive him to it!

I don't think they were planning on going but once they found out Ginger was free, lo and behold, so were they.

So. He told me he "didn't expect sex." And I thought, surely not, since David would be there in between Carla and Ginger.

Well, I got home from work around 10:30 and sat up til 1AM to see if Ginger would check in with his usual "good night." He didn't. I went to bed. At 5AM I got up to pee, checked my lappie and he'd said good night at 2:15. Immediately I perceived the truth, he'd had a 3some with the both of them...

I couldn't get back to sleep after that. At 6AM Ginger came on (so we'd both had only 4 hrs of sleep) and confessed that yes, he had them come to his cabin and they'd had a 3some. Both men are bi but this was the first actual MM experience for both.

So, now Ginger is in a relationship with David as well as Carla!

I felt so overwhelmed. Quite depressed. Really couldn't take yet one more partner for Ginger. That makes 6 new people in 12 months.

So. Sunday I had him come over and we talked it out. miss pixi had spent the night at her Master's. Ginger went and picked her up from the train partway through, so she heard about the latest development.

He was here about 3 hrs. He tried to get touchy feely kissy kissy and I was in no mood for that. After he left I had a hysterical screamingcrying fit. Then a nap. And I was then depressed for a couple more days. I didn't want to talk to him much. I wasn't much of a partner for miss pixi. Tuesday night he begged to come over. He was ready for sex right away but I sure wasn't. We talked for about 3 hours and finally cleared the air. I am giving up on the DADT thing. It just makes me feel distant and suspicious. I would rather know the truth, how close he is getting to both of them, etc.

All this is compounded by him being Aspie. And when he is upset he gets more Aspie. It takes a lot of talking to see each others' POV. But somehow that night, we managed. After 3 hrs of talking in my bedroom, we went out to the kitchen, and I ate dinner with miss pixi (she saw we were busy so just ordered us some pizzas). Ginger stood by as we ate, and after eating I felt better and we had some good sex.

The next morning (yesterday) he wanted me again, and so I went over to his place for a couple hours. When I got home miss pixi also wanted sex.

Then in the evening I met YouAreHere at a local restaurant for dinner! That was great, to meet in person, share all kinds of things about our families and lives.

Then before bed, miss p and I had sex again. Yikes, I think I finally had enough to last me a day or so. lol

So, yesterday afternoon, Ginger told me David is coming to his place between work and going home! I guess Ginger's place is a halfway point between David's work and home. Well. Knowing Ginger, there will be sex. This will be the first ever one on one mano a mano sex for both of them.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-26-2014 at 01:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #269  
Old 06-26-2014, 01:00 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,133
Default

Well, that was a long post. One more thing... I finally figured out how to categorize Carla-- she's a diva.

The woman has three kids, 3, 5 and 8. The two elder ones are in school. She is a full time SAHM. Her mom lives nearby and seems able to sit the kids pretty much any time, any day, or overnight. David is also very willing to be with the kids anytime he is home, so she can go out whenever she wants in the evenings. She goes to kirtan once or twice a week, drum dances whenever she wants, and Latin dancing lessons. Now she's got a 2nd man to love her up as well. The woman has the life, I tell you.

Ginger told me David loves to "serve" her. I see it as almost like a D/s relationship, without actually being one. Ginger admits he's being nice to David so David will trust him more with Carla, but now the two men are starting a relationship of their own!

It's all quite a big fucking deal.

I was feeling sidelined. But after our talks, I feel reassured, for now at least, of Ginger's continued devotion to me. I feel like I do put a damper on his dating, and so at one point I said, maybe you'd be better off without me. He replied, If you left, my life would totally fall apart.

Which was good to hear. He's not great with giving me those kinds of reassurances.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #270  
Old 06-26-2014, 01:53 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 1,042
Default

I'm glad the talks went well - here's hoping that trend continues, regardless of the Carla/David stuff.

And yay for good wine, good food, good conversation, and great company!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:19 AM.