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  #231  
Old 03-25-2014, 12:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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miss pixi has a new man she's interested in. She's only been talking online to him for a few days, but for hours a day, she told me. They already have a date set up for Saturday. Normally she doesn't move this fast, but she's more confident these days, and wants to meet more cool people.

Her sub, Karl, doesn't want to date, go out for dinner or activities. All he seems to want is to come over very occasionally when he feels courageous, for a D/s session. So, not much going on there other than chatting online.

I hope her date goes well. Once again, I am not jealous or feeling weird in any way about her dating. I see she has some excitement and I am getting the spillover, but I know my special place in her heart and just want her to have a good time. From what she tells me, and the pic she shared, he seems respectful and a good match.

Next topic: sexual fantasizing. I know many of us fantasize during masturbation. Many also might fantasize about someone else while having sex with our partner. Oddly I don't feel a need to fantasize about someone else while having sex with one of my partners. I have come to realize that my true sexual nature was so undeveloped when I was with my ex-husband for all those years. I used to get major crushes on friends, acquaintances, celebrities, since I felt so judged by my ex, because of my tendency to get crushes! The more he disapproved, the more I felt judged and far from him, and the more I'd crush on someone else.

Now that I feel so accepted for who I am, I never fantasize during sex, and even have a hard time coming up with a good fantasy during masturbation.
Kind of weird! Something new to get used to.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #232  
Old 04-12-2014, 12:51 PM
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miss pixi had her 2nd date with her new interest last weekend and is having third date tonight. She even spent the night last weekend. He can't do an overnight tonight though, and she was disappointed!

She's really into him. He is a Dom and she seems to find his style right up her alley. They chat for an hour or two online almost every night. It seems to be very positive for her, she is completely infatuated. She's been treating me fine despite her NRE, I don't feel neglected. It's definitely a change for us though. She's had 2 bfs in the 5 years we've been together but no one who met her needs for kink this well.

I guess I should nickname him. Ugh... can't think. Since I am a switch myself I have conflicting feelings about him. The subby part of me feels I should also submit to him, the Dommey part of me feels suspicious and competitive, lol.

No new interests of note for Ginger, although he had me take a picture of him for his "female" profile on OKC. He's genderqueer and has had a pictureless nearly wordless female profile for years. Just a social experiment. Last week he put up one of the pix I took of him, which is him from the back, in just a pair of my underpants, with his long hair cascading down over his shoulders. He also added a bit of text to his profile. He has been inundated with visitors and messages! Hundreds of visitors, maybe 100 or more messages from all over the East Coast and beyond. It's pretty funny. Many short men enamoured with a "tall woman," since he put his actual height (6'1") on his profile.

He ignores the jerks and chats with the nicer seeming guys and generally makes it clear in chat that he's not as female as they might think. His profile does hint at this too, if men are savvy enough to get it. It's kind of fun to see him experience what women go through on OKC, first hand.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #233  
Old 04-12-2014, 01:01 PM
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And in my own news, I did go on a coffee date with PolyGuy, mentioned above. We chatted online for a couple weeks and I decided to take the plunge. We met at coffee shop quite near miss pixi's old apartment in greater Boston, where he lives.

Seems he and his gf have been together 10 years and have always been nominally poly. But in November of last year she got romantically involved with a friend, who became a roommate (!) quite soon after. They also have one more roommate who is unaware the woman is in relationship with 2 men.

I wasn't over the moon for this guy after our date. I do believe, like Ginger said, he lives too much in his head. He's not seeming very sexual or even physically affectionate, from what he said and how he acted. He's kinda cute, but I prefer leaner men and he's on the chubby side. Nice hair though, 46, childfree. Smart, a lefty and all that. Since he's really a poly noob as far as practice, we talked a lot about poly in general. He only joined OKC in Feb, 2 months ago, just getting his feet wet. I was his first actual date.

I felt disappointed after the date, since there were no physical sparks. Part of me feels very stupid to even be dating-- I felt polysaturated even before the date! And since I didn't even get a sexual charge out of it, I felt even more let down. Of course, he could just be a platonic friend... however, do I even want one more platonic friend? Not really. Maybe. LOL

He wrote to me right after our date, saying he wanted to see me again, and since then has suggested he comes out my way to go to one of my local cafes. Hmm... Good thing I like coffee.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-12-2014 at 01:08 PM.
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  #234  
Old 04-16-2014, 07:47 PM
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Well, so much for Ginger not wanting a relationship with any of his dance partners. Carla has been pursuing him, FB chatting him, flirting mightily. I have seen her eyeing him over the past few weeks at events, and I just knew she had a big crush on him!

So, it seems to be a thing. She is quite young, mid 30s I'd say. Married, 3 young children. Once the flirting got to a certain point, he asked her if this would be ok with her h, and she said they were mono since 2000, but last fall she got him to open the marriage since there was this guy she wanted to be with. That didn't work out, and now she has set her sights on Ginger. Yesterday she chatted him while her kids were napping, and then again as soon as they were down for the night. Keeping him up til 1am, and today he is tired.

Developing story...
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #235  
Old 04-16-2014, 10:15 PM
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Which brings me back to the title of my blog, Simultaneous NRE, this time my 2 partners both have new interests. And I don't, really. PolyGuy isn't much of a chatter. He has car troubles and won't be able to come out for a while, and... as I said, I am getting more of a friend vibe than an "amour" vibe from him and towards him.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #236  
Old 04-21-2014, 12:42 PM
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Yeah, so the first time Carla IMed Ginger on FB, it was raining. She asked him to go out into the rain, and she would too, to dance naked. Her toddler was napping, maybe the 5 year old was too.

Apparently she's got a yard with enough privacy to go out into it naked. Of course, Ginger lives in the middle of his 57 acres, he can walk around naked anytime he wants.

So, they did that. Then they both got chilly and came back in and virtually cuddled and warmed up.

Then (he told me) she semi apologized for coming on strong, but she was ovulating and her h was in Europe on business. At this point Ginger asked her if her flirting with him in this way would be OK with her h. She then told him how they'd opened their 13 year marriage last fall. But she hadn't told her h about her new feelings for Ginger yet, she would asap.

This was all mid last week. Kirtan was on for the Friday. I wasn't going to go. miss p wasn't seeing her Dom, so I was looking forward to a weekend with her, and with my son who was coming for a visit too.

So. Ginger goes to kirtan. Carla is there. So is her h, as planned. He'd just gotten in from Europe the night before, was jet lagged, and actually fell asleep during the chanting. Carla had told Ginger in IM just before kirtan that there just hadnt been a chance for her to talk to her h yet. Of course, they have 3 very young kids, there was no time to talk, Daddy was probably being swarmed after a week away.

So, as soon as her h fell asleep, Carla started giving Ginger these long burning gazes across the room. At one point he was standing up and sort of swaying dancing while chanting. She got up, came across the room, and danced with him. Which, as he told me, was probably inappropriate for kirtan, which is the sacred chanting of the names of the Hindu gods. A spiritual, religious, meditative thing.

He said it didn't last long, but it did attract the attention of his other friend/dance partner, Sally, who was leading the chanting. He said, she looked up at them with a WTF expression on her face.

Meanwhile Carla's H is dozing in the corner, all unaware!

So in our discussions since, I found out Carla finally told her h about Ginger, that night on the way home from kirtan, and lo and behold, they have been having "beautiful talks" since, about Ginger, and poly in general, and seemingly it has enhanced their connection. So, at least it seems good on that front.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-21-2014 at 12:44 PM.
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  #237  
Old 04-21-2014, 02:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So, I just wasn't ready for a new love interest in Ginger's life, just a mere 2 months after Buddhist didn't work out, and Mischa just before her. It's like a sickening rollercoaster, wrapping my head around this that and the other woman. I've just sort of finally gotten used to his relationship with miss pixi!

It's even killed my lust for him and that is saying a lot, considering my sex drive.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #238  
Old 04-28-2014, 12:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I crowd sourced this problem of Ginger's frequent dating on the Relationships forum here and got lots of good advice. I was going kind of crazy, and feeling unvalued. Feeling better now. Going to stop asking for details of any woman he is chatting or trying to date. It just causes me angst.

I just hope it doesn't cause a kind of DADT distance between us.

In other news, miss p had yet another great date with her new Master. Kinky fun bondagey sexy times, and he made her dinner and she spent the night. She finds him exciting and kind and fun to be with.

Ginger came by for 3 hours yesterday midday. We had some very gentle slow vanilla sex, not vigorous because both our backs hurt, but enjoyable nonetheless. Then I walked the dog while he picked up miss p from the commuter rail station. Then he and I did some gardening. Well, I mostly watched and supervised as he dug up 2 gigantic hostas that have outgrown their bed. He has room for them in a bed on his land. Now I have room for some other varieties of plants.

Today we are getting a new roof. Last winter, not only did we have a basement flood, the old roof leaked when covered in feet of snow and ice.

How could I be considering dating myself when there are new roofs going on, back to heal, spring and summer weather to enjoy, and both my sweeties dating new people? Too much going on!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #239  
Old 04-30-2014, 01:53 PM
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Here is the thread I started to ask for advice about how to deal with Ginger's constant dating for the past year, and now current NRE with Carla:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69777
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #240  
Old 05-01-2014, 11:59 AM
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Another morning, another day of anxiety about the impact Ginger's new relationship is having on my life.

I don't feel I should ask him about their progress, about how Carla's h is dealing, where he stands on making emotional and physical space for this in their lives. I don't know if Ginger and Carla have another date planned. I don't know how often they talk online during the day-- every time her youngest naps when her older ones are in school? Every evening after they are in bed? Heck, maybe she even chats Ginger when the kids are all home and playing nicely. I have no freaking idea.

Then, I question myself. Why do I need to know? Why do I care?

I feel left out, like they are conspiring behind my back to do things I wouldn't approve of. I am also mourning what feels like a closed door to me-- to the drum and dance community. There are 2 major drumming fests in the larger community I've gone to with Ginger in the past 2 years. One in early summer, one in late summer. Will he now want her to go to them with him, instead of going with me?? Or will she skip them, or go to them with her husband and kids, and I go to them with Ginger (and perhaps miss pixi). But then, what if we run into Carla and her family, will it be awkward?

I find myself stuffing my face with junk food, stuffing my feelings, yes yes, I know, Dr Freud.

Today I woke up with the realization am feeling a big disconnect. I feel like I love him less. Which is almost a pleasant feeling, since feeling detached seems better than high anxiety. Even if any "threat" is purely my imagination.

I remember when he was dating the Buddhist and he asked me to become "unattached" to any outcome. And how does being unattached differ from feeling detached? I still don't know. But I do know I feel a certain detachment. I need to distance myself from this sadness. I need to feel less clingy, and work on feeling less nostalgic for the time when I felt more valued and relaxed and confident in what we had together.

Ginger says he values me. He is trying to convince me he still loves me just as much, and of course, I am sure he does. He feels fine! He's got 4 SOs! He gets to go from one to another like a bee from flower to flower, pollinating away... I know. I used to feel that way when I was dating a lot, and also had several hot online flirtations going on.

He has this whole big thing going on which is totally not my business. He has needs which he does not want me to meet. Maybe that is why I feel so differently about miss pixi's OSOs. They meet needs of hers I do not want to meet, or am literally incapable of meeting. Ginger has needs which I would like to meet but can not. If those needs are for variety, adventure and a challenge, well, I am same old same old, I am a known commodity and there's no big challenge in trying to hook up with me, I am here willing and ready for the taking. Which just about makes me feel like an old worn out shoe. Even though he tells me he still gets a tingle of excitement every time he comes through my door.

Will I be able to get past this time of turmoil and feel as fine about Ginger/Carla as I do about miss pixi and her 2 guys? God, I hope so. I was worn down by Ginger dating one woman after another, but now he told me he is feeling a "special click" with Carla, the same feeling he felt when he first connected with me 2 years ago, and with his wife 25 years ago.

Yet, he also claims that, whether Carla and he work out or not, he is still open to yet more relationships. Meaning, that even if Ginger and Carla settle into being a couple, long term, and I get used to that, I still have to deal with my feelings around potentially dozens of other new people he might pursue.

Ginger is being very patient with me now, but I fear that the longer I project as unconfident, anxious, whiny, weak, vulnerable, I will seem less and less attractive and "fun" to be with, and he WILL dump me.

Maybe this brand new feeling of detachment will allow me to let go of my need to know, need to be thought of as special. If I just cared about him less, I wouldn't have to give a shit about how he feels about Carla, and what they are up to. I could be like, "Go ahead, enjoy yourself. Maybe we can get together one of these days when you have a chance." And then go about my business with a clear head, and be able to focus on the here and now of what I am doing. I am of course, trying to keep busy, living my life, chores, errands, hobbies, work, hanging out with and loving miss pixi. She and I have had some nice dates lately. They work to distract me for a while.

If I can detach from being perhaps overly invested in Ginger, maybe my mind won't keep spinning, worrying on this thing like a dog with a bone, or picking at a scab.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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