Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #151  
Old 08-09-2013, 04:03 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

I haven't heard from my new person in a week! We had our date on July 31, he called me on Aug 2nd. After a few days I figured he'd want/expect me to call him, so I did. He had told me to call anytime, he's always available in the evenings, so I called around 9PM, but it went straight to voicemail, didn't even ring. I left a message.

A couple days later I messaged him on okc saying I'd called, was he OK? No response. So... maybe shit is going down with his wife. I wish I knew. I wish he'd just shoot me a line on okc. The sucky thing is, he was on okc on Aug 6, and I msged him there on Aug 7, so it's not like he doesn't check there. He must've gotten an email notification I PMed him.

Yes, I know I sound like a 14 year old... *laughing at myself*

Maybe it's all for the best if he just drops out of sight.

In other news, I got more details about miss pixi's date with her Subbie Boy. Seems there was more touching than I'd first been aware of. That is fine, she enjoyed herself. Funny thing was, SB found it so overwhelming to be open to her, vulnerable in the fairly mild D/s they did, he left after an hour date. He's been messaging her ever since. He's never been so open to anyone as he is to her. It's very challenging for him.

Ginger has been unable to schedule another date with Mischa (she's so busy), and felt unmotivated to contact his male interest. Backburnered both while he adds a screen porch/shower to his cabin in the woods.

Meanwhile, it was my birthday. miss p took me on a whale watch out of Boston Harbor and then out for sushi afterwards! We had close encounters with 2 humpbacks. What a fantastic day! The following day was just as fun: Ginger took me on a lazy river canoe trip. We had the river to ourselves for hours, lots of privacy for a picnic on a bank and outdoor sex. One more perk of having 2 stable lovers-- 2 great birthday celebrations!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #152  
Old 08-19-2013, 08:36 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

Well, miss p hasn't seen SB again... she's off to the camp she works at each summer.

Ginger hasn't seen Mischa again. His wife needed emergency surgery and he's been spending hours visiting her in the hospital as she recovers. His attentiveness is sweet.

And I finally heard from the guy I had a date with on July 31. After a couple cryptic messages yesterday about him just getting out of the hospital and feeling emotionally overwhelmed, today I got him to tell me he'd attempted suicide. I have spent today in a rather shocked state.

But I just knew he or a close family member must be in hospital or have died... he was too into me to have just stopped talking. Needless to say, he's not what I am looking for in a man, though I wish him well.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #153  
Old 08-25-2013, 11:31 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And I finally heard from the guy I had a date with on July 31. After a couple cryptic messages yesterday about him just getting out of the hospital and feeling emotionally overwhelmed, today I got him to tell me he'd attempted suicide. I have spent today in a rather shocked state.

But I just knew he or a close family member must be in hospital or have died... he was too into me to have just stopped talking. Needless to say, he's not what I am looking for in a man, though I wish him well.
Wow! That is shocking! Sorry to hear that! Wish you well as you move forward!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #154  
Old 08-27-2013, 04:02 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

Thanks, Idealist. I've had a week to get used to the idea, but it's just made me more embittered towards dating. sigh...

miss pixi is back from camp and full of stories, and exhausted.

Ginger has a bad cold.

They found a tumor in the appendix that was removed from his wife along with 10" of large intestine. No immediate signs of it spreading, but she needs to see some specialists just to be sure.

Even though he was congested, Ginger and I went to a fab drum fest at a park on Saturday. Very good time, colorful people, delicious rhythms, and he was able to dance, and so did I.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #155  
Old 09-05-2013, 02:17 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

miss pixi's energy for us, our house and home decorating, is back. Yay! We've been hanging shelves and mirrors and paintings.

Ginger's cold is gradually improving and his wife is healed enough to go back to her part time job for their town.

He is still trying to set up dates with Mischa and now this other woman, C. Frankly it bothers me a bit, since he has me, his wife, and my gf as a close friend/occasional makeout or sex partner already. Does he really need 5 women?

Well, he found out Mischa has tested pos for Herpes 1 and 2 today... he'd seen a cold sore on her mouth on their one date and so they didn't kiss. Maybe now sex is off the table. He's disappointed and she's upset.

I guess the other woman, C, is eager to meet but doesn't have a car, so it's up to him to drive to her and he's not feeling well enough yet.

Meanwhile, I was chatting online with an old friend who checks in with me every other month or so, and she asked about my dating life, and I told her about "New Person," the guy that tried to kill himself. I showed her his Fetlife profile which I had not checked since he attempted the suicide. I saw he mentioned a newspaper article about him, the attempt, and his subsequent struggles, and I read it. It reopened the trauma for me and I became all triggered again. It also gave a kind of closure... at least I know he really did it and wasnt just making up a weird story to stop dating me.

I'd been debating whether to just step away from the crazy, but I felt maybe talking to him would be more healing for me. This morning I saw him sign on to okc, so contacted him and we PMed back and forth and I got more of his story, about his wife, her gf, how he and his wife are separating, how his meds are ramping up, etc.

sigh... I need a long walk on a beach or something.

I am totally off meeting anymore new people. Sex and fun are great, but lately all I get is their fuckedupness and troubles in my face.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #156  
Old 09-07-2013, 12:16 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

I've been feeling very upset about Ginger dating these 2 new women. He's got a date set up with Mischa for next Wed (4 days from now), despite her herpes diagnoses. And today he is seeing his newest potential, C, first date, for a day out walking around in her city. There are 2 events they will wander about in.

I even had a terrible nightmare last night about Ginger and C. I was freaking out violently in the dream, having seen photos of them having sex. Ugh. I woke up out of the dream all out of breath.

I am feeling distant and unbonded with Ginger. Even though we've had some fun this summer, it's also been rife with illnesses and missed connections.

First I had a month long sinus infection. Then he was hospitalized for the anaplasmosis from the tick bite. Then his wife needed surgery on her gut. Then he got a cold as severe a my sinus infection.

Meanwhile miss p was out of town for a week in both July and August, and had emotions around both trips she needed to deal with.

Then I have one date with a guy who tries to kill himself 4 days after our date. Also Ginger has had 3 new people he has dated, or tried to, this summer! One guy, 2 women.

I brought up to him the other day when I visited him how I thought him having 5 women was too much (his wife, me, miss p, Mischa and C). All he did was say he liked variety, like one doesn't want to eat only one food. I said, it's all well and good to like variety, but there's this issue of relationship maintenance. I feel like just one of a harem now. A revolving door or conveyor belt of pussy for him, and I am just one of them. Yuck. I said, "I don't feel special," and it didn't help when he replied, "You are all special."

A few days ago miss p and I were running an errand in his town, and I said, do you want to just drop by on Ginger so you can see his new porch? So we did and found him at home. So we were out on the porch, Ginger and I standing there with our arms around each other, and miss p sitting on the bench. We chatted, he told her details of the building process, etc.

Then we went inside his cabin and suddenly he reached out, grabbed miss p and gave her a solid kiss. He let her up for air, and said, "All I've been wanting to do since you got here was that."

Man, that hurt. He had his arm around me and all he wanted to do was grab and kiss miss p? Fuck.

Any sympathy or advice from anyone reading this would be appreciated.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #157  
Old 09-07-2013, 01:10 PM
FullofLove1052's Avatar
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 912
Default

I am sorry, Mags.

The guy who tried to commit suicide had plenty of shit going on before you entered his life. I would imagine that you were one of the bright spots on what was probably a dark path. That has to be hard.

You have every right to be concerned about all the women, dates, and the new Herpes diagnosis of Mischa's. Precautionary measures for everyone might have to change. Are there plans to discuss this if he becomes intimate with her?

You guys have not had much time together, and now, he is adding more people which means time will be cut. That does nothing to allay the feeling of disconnect. Is that leaving you wondering, "Where do I fit in?" I cannot speak for anyone else, but if my quality time had been at a standstill due to illnesses and health issues on both sides, I would want to spend time with the people already in my life. I would not go and get involved in two more relationships with double the NRE.

Five relationships without proper maintenance is overkill, IMO. If the needs are already not being met, it makes no sense to add more. There are only so many hours in the day, and it would not tickle my fancy to be 1 of 5 and told that I am one of the special ones. I like knowing that there is something special about me. I agree with your decision to bring it up to him, and could his response have been a little better? Big time.

The situation with miss p. Whoa. There is no way I would have taken that in stride. That had to hurt. Is he just that out of tune with your feelings and being mindful of what he says? What was miss p's reaction after the fact. I am sure it surprised her.

I am really sorry you are hurting. Sending hugs your way. You have a lot going on and feelings that need to be processed. Take some time away from Ginger and figure out if you want to be one of many or if the relationship needs to transition. Figure out if there is a way to reconnect and get that closeness back. I am not sure if you can get away and spend some time alone, but if so, please do it. It is no fun stressing yourself out. Personally, I think clearer when I am alone and have had time to figure out what I need and why I am feeling a certain way.
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #158  
Old 09-09-2013, 02:27 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am sorry, Mags.
Thanks, Ry, for taking the time to read and write.


Quote:
The guy who tried to commit suicide had plenty of shit going on before you entered his life. I would imagine that you were one of the bright spots on what was probably a dark path. That has to be hard.
Yeah... thing is, I've got a mentally ill daughter who had made 4 or 5 attempts and so it's really triggering.

Quote:
You have every right to be concerned about all the women, dates, and the new Herpes diagnosis of Mischa's. Precautionary measures for everyone might have to change. Are there plans to discuss this if he becomes intimate with her?
Yes, well, he's told me he probably "won't become her lover" because of this. But he does wish he could be her lover! And vice versa. So even if it doesnt work out physically, there is this longing... and then here I am healthy and fuckable, feeling sidelined somehow.

Quote:
You guys have not had much time together, and now, he is adding more people which means time will be cut. That does nothing to allay the feeling of disconnect. Is that leaving you wondering, "Where do I fit in?" I cannot speak for anyone else, but if my quality time had been at a standstill due to illnesses and health issues on both sides, I would want to spend time with the people already in my life.
He was here tonight and we had a very frustrating conversation about that. He seems to feel the exact opposite. I get the feeling its life affirming to him to pick up the apples the desirable woman trees drop, maybe even more so when there is strife? And he's 60. If that is the way he is, I know damn well he's not gonna change now.

Quote:
I would not go and get involved in two more relationships with double the NRE.
A reminder he has Asperger's. A mild case, but it does get in the way when discussing emotions, needs, desires. He claims to not get NRE at all.

Quote:
Five relationships without proper maintenance is overkill, IMO. If the needs are already not being met, it makes no sense to add more. There are only so many hours in the day, and it would not tickle my fancy to be 1 of 5 and told that I am one of the special ones. I like knowing that there is something special about me. I agree with your decision to bring it up to him, and could his response have been a little better? Big time.
Yes, very frustrating. I was feeling more deeply in love the earlier part of the summer, but these last few weeks, I feel the bond is lessening! I hope it's just temporary. I hope it's less him and his behaviors and more just all the stresses of illnesses and injuries of all kinds and if I can just keep my shit together, we will rebalance.

Quote:
The situation with miss p. Whoa. There is no way I would have taken that in stride. That had to hurt. Is he just that out of tune with your feelings and being mindful of what he says? What was miss p's reaction after the fact. I am sure it surprised her.
At this point, we've pretty much decided it was a social faux pas, perhaps because of his Aspergers.

Quote:
I am really sorry you are hurting. Sending hugs your way. You have a lot going on and feelings that need to be processed. Take some time away from Ginger and figure out if you want to be one of many or if the relationship needs to transition. Figure out if there is a way to reconnect and get that closeness back. I am not sure if you can get away and spend some time alone, but if so, please do it. It is no fun stressing yourself out. Personally, I think clearer when I am alone and have had time to figure out what I need and why I am feeling a certain way.
Well miss p and I had a beach date yesterday which helped a bit. Ginger has been trying, in IM and today in person, to find out what he can do to help me feel more secure, knowing he isn't going to give up on these 2 women just for me. So far we haven't figured out how to make me feel better.

He did help miss p install a signal booster for our cell phone service today. (Somehow I get decent reception on my phone here, but his and miss p's don't.) Acts of service seems to be a way he likes to show love.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-09-2013 at 02:31 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #159  
Old 09-09-2013, 02:28 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,058
Default

Ugh, Mags, that sucks. Is it that he just does not comprehend how his actions affect you? Is this a personality issue? Or is he acting out in some way as an escape from something? I don't know, but I think you need to keep talking to him and find out what is going on that he suddenly seems so distant and inconsiderate.

I think what probably hurts most (if I were in your shoes), is not so much that he wants another lover or two, but how he sprang it on you without talking about what he wanted beforehand, seeing how you felt about it, etc. Then he just goes ahead and makes plans. So, of course you don't feel special!

Do you clear it with him before you date other guys? My sense is that he is probably has the attitude of "It's all good, whatever you want to do." So, he doesn't get that you need to be treated with a lot more sensitivity than he needs.

He isn't responsible for your reaction and upset feelings, but keep talking to him, and let him know how upset you are, and how tender you feel about it. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to slow down a bit and/or to make sure he spends more time with you. You moved to your new home to be close to him, after all!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #160  
Old 09-09-2013, 02:43 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,140
Default

Hi Indie, we posted at the same time.

Yeah, I've been trying to date others ever since he and I met. I mean just before we met, I had just started up with the Gentleman and the Hottie... as Ginger reminds me. But I only had 3 dates with the Hottie before he went mono with his other gf, and, tho I continued with the Gentleman for 7 months, as soon as I met Ginger I saw Gentleman less, because he was nowhere near as right for me as Ginger.

Since then I've only met 2 other guys, had one date each and it didn't work out. One was a year ago. One was in July this year.

Ginger reminds me he started chatting Trish soon after he and I met. I didn't hear much about her til this summer as she had, I think, 2 other loves who have both now been broken up with. So she and Ginger didn't actually meet this this July.

This other woman, C, seemed to come out of the blue very suddenly. Thing is, I'd probably like her. She's smart and bubbly, fun, reads a lot, and loves Eddie Izzard. Yesterday after her date with Ginger, she messaged me to talk about Eddie! I wrote back.

Funny thing is, today Ginger told me that he met her in her city at the event there because she told him she'd be there with friends. So, it was just a very casual friend meet thing, not a one on one date! She had her bff with her the whole time. It took him a while to find her and they only ended up being together for half an hour! He said there weren't a lot of sparks and he doesn't know when they will see each other again. She's 46 and doesn't drive! Neither does her husband.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-09-2013 at 02:46 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:49 PM.