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Old 02-16-2013, 08:29 PM
tryingforhim tryingforhim is offline
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Default Dealing with jealousy?

I really thought I would be able to do this. But the further this whole thing goes between my husband and his girlfriend the less I like it.

Last night I let him sleep over. Which I hate! I feel so lonely and anxious when I know he's with her. He says he fell asleep early at her place, even though they were supposed to be going out. So I didn't get any texts from him all night. Part of our agreement is I am allowed to text him since he constantly texts her when we are together. At about 4am he finally texted me back. I was having a horrible time trying to sleep knowing he was with her. I tried calling him and he texted saying he wasn't going to take my call. I told him I just needed to talk to him for a minute and he called me. We just had random chat, but my goal was to try and calm myself down so I could sleep. By the end of the conversation I was in tears, but I managed to hide it since he's accused me of ruining his nights with her before because I get upset on the phone with him.

Fast forward to this morning, he comes home around 1pm. At 130pm I ask him to come up to bed and talk with me for a minute. I tell him I had a hard time with last night and I really don't know how to handle him not sleeping in bed with me every night. I asked him to not sleep over on Sunday night, because I just can't handle it. He agreed to sleep at home.

When I came downstairs, he was having a Facebook conversation with her about things. Which I couldn't see all of but it was obvious it was a fight. From what I saw, she called me selfish, unreasonable and that I play games to get him to spend less time with her. I am guilty of all this, probably. I am hating every minute he spends with her lately. We fight all the time over this and I have asked him multiple times to ease up or end it, cause its just not good for our relationship. He refuses every time.

How do people deal with jealousy? I really thought I would be OK with this. I think part of it is I just don't like who he's chosen, she and I don't get along and I have no desire to be around her. My husband keeps saying I just need to get along with her and everything will be OK, he almost keeps forcing it and I keep telling him to stop because its just making things worse for me.

Would I be better if I liked who he was dating? I totally think so, but he thinks I shouldn't get a say at all in who he chooses to be with outside of our relationship.
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Old 02-16-2013, 09:01 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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This is only your second post. In your first post, which is also a different thread, someone responded and asked you to clarify certain things, etc. You never answered that. It would help people help you if you did go read and answer that other thread.

Having read both of your posts and going by the information available at this time, what I feel about your situation is this:

Your husband met an attractive young lady and didn't want to "scare her off" by telling her he was married and in an open relationship. He thought he would wait until there was "something there" - mutual attraction, relationship potential, etc. So when he eventually "sprung you on her", it was an unwelcome surprise.

Since that time, stuff has happened that suggests to me you do not trust him as much as you originally thought you did. You have a bad gut-feeling because if he was hiding something that important from her about your relationship with him, what might he not be sharing with you regarding his relationship with her? This is where the root of your jealousy lies. It actually isn't jealousy at all - it's your body's way of telling you that something isn't right with this. I would need you to answer the questions in the other thread and provide additional information before my crystal ball will give me any more conclusions to jump to about HIM.

Now, as far as SHE is concerned - I'm guessing that she thought she met a nice guy who is potential husband-provider-breeding material, becomes smitten, and "oh-by-the-way-i-have-this-wife-you-should-meet-you-two-would-like-each-other-you're-both-bi-what-do-you-mean-you-thought-i-was-single? I-never-told-you-i-was-single." Etc. So she cries and yells and beats him with a pillow, and he reassures her that it's ok, this can work, just meet my wife and give each other a chance. Then they have like, the most mind-blowing post-fight secks you evar did see, and as the endorphins are wearing off and he goes to the bathroom to flush the condom, she tells herself, "He wouldn't be with ME if he really loved his wife that much. I'll just wait for him to realize how much more awesome I am, and then he'll be ready to leave her and be with me instead."

The rest, as they say, is history - or more like, history in the making.

To all my biggest fans who are reading this - I'm sure you realize that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, I'm making lots of assumptions, jumping to tons of conclusions, and totally judging people who are not here to give their side of the story. Let's see how right (or wrong) I am. Start placing your bets...
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Old 02-16-2013, 10:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Whilst there are a number of us who frequently find boringguy's posts abrasive-I have to say I agree with 100% regarding this post.

With the info you have given-I would say that your marriage isn't in a place to manage itself much less poly.

lies of omission are lies and lying does not breed the trust required to make poly function.

It seems people (me included) seem to find it hard to learn that lesson without trying it themselves.

But-the bottom line is that both you and he need to get brutally honest with yourself, each other and the rest of your world if you are going to get to the poitn where you can learn what it takes to manage such emotions as jealousy, envy, etc.
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Old 02-16-2013, 11:49 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Whilst there are a number of us who frequently find boringguy's posts abrasive-I have to say I agree with 100% regarding this post.
Folks should be aware that although my post was vulgar, unflattering, and pessimistic, in no way have I cast anybody as the villain, nor do I feel any hostility whatsoever toward any of the entities in the OP's story.
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Old 02-17-2013, 12:41 AM
tryingforhim tryingforhim is offline
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OK, BoringGuy, I went back and read the response I had to the previous post and while maybe there are a few questions I didn't answer, I am not quite sure what more you want to know. So ask away. I haven't taken any offense to your post. I am here to try and find a solution to this.

Do I think he will leave me for her? I guess in the back of my mind that is a fear. But he is 42, I am 33 and she is 20. He and I have been together over 5 years now. I know that is not that long in terms of things but we have built a life together. I am expecting twins this summer. We have a house. And while I have been through a divorce myself before and know nothing cements a relationship forever, we felt strong going into this. He has also multiple times told me he is not going to leave me for her. And while I do think I believe him, I guess it's still a thought in the back of my mind.'

Bad gut feeling? I guess that is part of it. I really thought I would be ok with this. But the whole situation with this girl has just gone from bad to worse. I keep begging him to end it and he says he won't. I tell him I am unhappy with it and his response is well I will be unhappy if it ends. I don't want him to be unhappy, but I think this whole thing is bad for our relationship and with things about to change for us, I really think we should be focusing on us being strong and happy as a family so these babies are brought into a loving home. What do I do to balance this? He's made it clear if he breaks it off I'll be happy and he'll be unhappy.

I can't say what she thinks on the basis that he is going to leave me for her. I have no idea what her thoughts are on that.

This afternoon, in yet another fight he and I had. He's now told me to end it for him. Which I think is a cop out for him to get out of ending it himself.

What do I do?
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Old 02-17-2013, 01:12 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingforhim View Post

I am expecting twins this summer.
Ugh, you poor thing. You don't need this kind of stupid fucking bullshit.

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I can't say what she thinks on the basis that he is going to leave me for her. I have no idea what her thoughts are on that.
Of course you don't; I was just speculating on what could be one possible explanation for her mindset and behaviour.

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This afternoon, in yet another fight he and I had. He's now told me to end it for him. Which I think is a cop out for him to get out of ending it himself.
Oh lovely. This is a 42-year-old man (I'm 42, by the way) who is about to become the father of twin babies. You are about to become the mother of three children. I can't think straight, sometimes other people's problems get on my nerves more than they should and i just want throw things. I don't know what else to say to you.
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Old 02-17-2013, 01:28 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Pregnant. Hormonal. Emotional.
And a competitive metamour with a man who avoids responsibility.
Sigh.
Bad combo.

My advice-from experience is-ignore her existence. Do whatever u must-including planning overnights with a friend whenever he has plans if necessary.

The probability that she will "outgrow" him in a year or two is very high.


Boring-I know. was just saying-cant see how any who find your posts abrasive could reasonably disagree with this one.
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Old 02-17-2013, 01:38 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Pregnant. Hormonal. Emotional.
And a competitive metamour with a man who avoids responsibility.
Sigh.
Bad combo.

My advice-from experience is-ignore her existence. Do whatever u must-including planning overnights with a friend whenever he has plans if necessary.

The probability that she will "outgrow" him in a year or two is very high.


Boring-I know. was just saying-cant see how any who find your posts abrasive could reasonably disagree with this one.
Oh I understood that. I just wanted to put in the disclaimer myself.

I thought about it more and I agree that even though a pregnant person doesn't need this "aggravation", OP you ARE probably hyper-sensitive to a lot of things and over-react easier than you normally would. That said, many would agree that this is not the best time to be "adding people to your relationship", as it were. If you think it's difficult and complex now, wait until you have twins sucking on your boobs.
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Old 02-17-2013, 01:52 AM
tryingforhim tryingforhim is offline
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I completely agree with the hormonal and overly emotional thing. I totally know that is a part of it. And when I started having issues with this back in October it should have been ended then. But he continued and now he keeps saying she's a human being, I can't just throw her away, she has feelings. And I say back, but I am a human being as well, don't my feelings count?

It doesn't help she has a host of issues herself. He worries she's going to hurt herself if he leaves, and I say well is it smart to have someone in your life that is unstable. Its all a game, she's using her anxiety and depression issues as a way of keeping him on.

I just want it all to end, but he won't do it, and I'm going to look like the bitch and she's going to spread it all over to people we know and I'm going to be the outcast because of it.

One issue that has come to light lately is Sundays. I have been having a lot of issues sleeping being pregnant and I really need him to be home Sunday evenings to come to bed with me so I am not pissed that he is with her. She is calling me selfish for not sharing Sundays, but my Monday morning alarm clock goes off at 530am for work. Her rational is that she has a late start on Monday so she thinks its a perfect night for him to be over. I don't know how to make her realize that she is not entitled to him whenever she wants him. She is a secondary, he has priorities that he has to put first. But apparently I am the bad person for needing MY husband.
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:00 AM
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My point in bringing up hormones wasn't to lay blame or even responsibility.

The bottom line is-no matter what "should" or "should not"-
You cannot MAKE anyone (including him and her) do or not do anything.

The only person on the entire planet you can MAKE do anything is yourself.

Every time you get up in arms, you are giving your twins a chemical dump (pls feel free to research that topic as Im on a cell phone and typing out an explanation will be tedious). A chemical dump that isn't going to be beneficial for them-and as you have already figured out, isn't benefitting you.

You can't make him stop. But you can change how YOU behave. You don't need HIM. you need someone supportive, loving and calming to you.

He isn't choosing to be that person. So, who is? A friend? Sibling? Parent? Lover?
Go take care of you and the babies. Let him figure out on his own why exactly he feels more inclined to prioritize the desires of his groin and his lover ABOVE his responsibilities to his unborn child.
I can't comment to the secondary/husband topic-because I don't believe in heirarchial relationships that trivialize any persons needs. Period.

But-I can stand by the responsibility of EACH parent to their child INCLUDING caring for the mental and physical health of the mother during pregnancy.

Both my husband and my bf made my needs priority while I was pregnant (and while I was under medical duress for 8 months). That meant havig to miss their preferred date times, free times, and even moving out temporarily for one of them because having him near me was so emotionally distressing.

You need to prioritize taking responsibility for your health and stop expecting him to do it.
He needs to get his head out of his ass. But he isnt asking for advice-you are.
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