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  #1  
Old 06-23-2009, 03:11 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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Unhappy He wants to be in love

Hello everyone,
I come here looking for answers to all kinds of deep issues related to the mono poly relationship I am in.
My first concern is that I seem to read more about poly being about having another "sexual" partner. For my Man, it's about having someone else to be in love [/B]with, a full fledged, loving and sexual relationship. I believe that I have always handled it much better when it was someone he just wanted to have sex with, a friend with benefits kind of thing. However, his ultimate goal is to find that third to join our existing relationship and for us all to live happily ever after.
He is with someone else right now that he feels is the idea woman for him, um for us. I am struggling terribly. I am not sure if it's jealousy alone, or just the plain simple fact that I like what he and I have together and I don't want to change it. In saying that, I will add that I love him with all my heart and truly care about his happiness.
We are in our forties, not a time in my life when I want to make any huge changes, be it ending the relationship or inviting some one else in.
Is there anyone who has dealt with a similiar situation that can offer me some insight please?
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  #2  
Old 06-23-2009, 03:37 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Hi Sweetness.

I won't even go into this from an advice point of view. I am way to polarized and self assured in my opinion....not to mention emotional. I do however wish you the absolute best and sincerely hope you do what is best for you as well as him. Don't let a fear of change, big or small, make you deny what will keep you happy for the long term.
Take care
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Old 06-23-2009, 03:54 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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Thanks for that. Others have actually said the same to me, but it's usually accompanied by, "do whats best for yourself and get out of a situation that is making you unhappy." I know that's not what YOU said, however. Bottom line is that I am not happy, but I am most definently in love with this man and have been for the last seven years. We have a life, a home, everything together, alot invested and I love my life and my home as well as him. I just have a hard time coming to terms with sharing that.
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Old 06-23-2009, 04:14 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Just to be clear, this should not be about maintaining your house or external stuff. They are great to hide behind, I know I did it for many years and it lead to disaster. It's about the health of your heart and mind..just take care of yourself please and be honest in what that means
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Old 06-23-2009, 04:28 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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...I do get what you mean. I cannot imagine a life without him.
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Old 06-23-2009, 05:25 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetness View Post
My first concern is that I seem to read more about poly being about having another "sexual" partner. For my Man, it's about having someone else to be in love [/B]with, a full fledged, loving and sexual relationship.
Um...no. Swinging is being about finding new sex partners. Polyamory is about finding new relationships. I don't know where you've been reading, though I can say you've been misinformed.

Quote:
He is with someone else right now that he feels is the idea woman for him, um for us. I am struggling terribly. I am not sure if it's jealousy alone, or just the plain simple fact that I like what he and I have together and I don't want to change it. In saying that, I will add that I love him with all my heart and truly care about his happiness.
Well, an essential part of any relationship--mono or poly, open or closed--is the ability to communicate. Have you told him what you've told us? If it doesn't work for you, it's not gonna work at all. If it's not something you want to do, then it's not gonna work.

If he insists on pursuing it in the face of your objections, then the message is clear--he wants her (in particular) or he wants to be poly more than he wants to be mono with you. There may be change just around the bend that you can't avoid.

In any case, I can only recommend that you sit down and talk to him. Listen to why he wants this and what he thinks it will add to his life and yours. Then explore--in detail!--your objections to it and how those can be accommodated or not with a poly life. It is only when both of you have shared (in detail) your desires and expectations that you can reach a decision as to what to do.

And then, each of you can only decide for yourselves what to do. He may decide poly isn't viable because of your concerns. You may decide it's OK. He may decide he wants to move on because he wants to be poly more than he wants to stay involved in a mono relationship. There's no way to tell without doing the work necessary to find out.

Painful as it sounds, that's how things seem to work best. Getting involved in any intimate bond involves sharing what's on your mind, freely and honestly. It also means listening to him share what's on his mind, despite how painful it may be to hear it.

Keep in mind that we're rooting for you to find a happy ending!
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Old 06-23-2009, 09:06 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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Default yes we talk...

I apoligize for making it sound like He and I do not communicate. Yes we do talk in depth about how I feel about all this. And yes Him letting go of his poly desires is something that he painfully considers. My issue is that I know how deeply he wants that and I fear that He will be unhappy if he doesn't have it. I do not want Him to be unhappy.

And yes I do know the difference between swinging and poly. Perhaps my post made me sound a bit of a novice. I maintain however that any forum I visit and any research that I have done on jealousy in poly relationships, almost always focuses on the sexual aspect. Very seldom do I come upon anything that addresses the insecurity that comes with shareing a man's heart and head space.
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  #8  
Old 06-24-2009, 01:41 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think what set off alarm bells is that he is trying to fix you up with someone he likes. I have found that trying to force a triad may lead to instability. Triads are hard to maintain because everyone has to change in the same direction in life. Or else one relationship weakens to where it would want to be a V (vee), yet people try to keep it a triad.

If you do pursue this, then approach the relationship with her separately and let it evolve into what feels comfortable. Maybe a friend, maybe a lover, maybe just an acquaintance.

As for jealousy, one thing I have found is it is good to recognize it as a legitamate emotion which may tell you something deeper about yourself. It may be envy, insecurity or a bad association. For example, maybe you are worried he likes her best for one of her attributes. Understand it is insecurity and then talk to him about it. he can try to reassure you by telling what attributes about you that he likes.

I wish you well.
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  #9  
Old 06-24-2009, 08:29 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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can I interject a bit in here too please?

what I'm mainly concerned over in this is it sounds to me like your fella is interested in you and this other gal hitting it off come hell or high water, and there is so many issues with that. Firstly, its YOU whom decides who you choose to have a relationship with, not your SO. Secondly, why can't you two just be friends? If he likes her, great, why does that mean you have to? and another thing, if he wants a relationship with her, why does that necessarily mean she gets to move in?

It seems to me that he really needs to back off and let you and this other gal meet and form whatever you will, be it freindship, something more or even something less. And unless you both had some previous aggreement stating someone else would eventually be joining your relationship and moving in, I think that is simply way tooo fast and too early of thinking to be having.

Sit him down, talk to him. Sounds like you wouldn't mind him being poly, but you don't wanna live with the other person and you don't wanna forced to love them as well. Nothing wrong with that. or if I totally misread what you said there, and it is him being poly that you mind, you may have to let him go. It seems he's quite intot his other person if he's all wanting them to move in. Talk it out, make sure everyone is saying exactly what they mean, decide what exactly you do and don't want, and don't let him assume things are okay. Maybe he simply meant eventually when you find the right person he wants them in your lifes totally, eventually he wants you and the other person to be involved too. Go talk.
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  #10  
Old 06-24-2009, 10:52 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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Default to Vampiresscammy

....We have talked and continue to talk about all this so that in itself I know is a good thing. I have met her, and honestly she is a nice person. That doesn't mean I want to change my life to accomodate her or any other woman, however. He states that He is not moving fast with this, that He does want to give it time, but that His ultimate goal is for us all to live together. That is not my ultimate goal.
In addition, she is not a lifestyle submissive woman, but rather a nurturing and pleasing vanilla chick, who happens to be 18 years younger than me. She comes to this new experience (for her) with a great deal of idealism that I have long sense lost over the years.
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