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Old 10-16-2010, 05:08 AM
SkeeterV SkeeterV is offline
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Question When should I tell her?

Hey, everyone. I'm pretty new here, and I've been reading and learning a lot. There is a whole lot of great information here. Now I've got a question and any input is appreciated.

First a little background. My wife and I have been together for thirteen years, married for ten, and poly for about six months. She has a boyfriend, but I am currently without an OSO.

Just out of curiosity I looked up my ex-girlfriend on facebook, and we started to email each other. We lived together for three years and broke up about fifteen years ago. I figured it would be “Hey hows it goin’? Blah, blah,blah” and then it would trail off as we ran out of things to say. Instead we have started to email each other once a day for almost a month now, sometimes twice a day. Lately I’m starting to sense some romantic tension in the emails. She knows I'm married, and I'm pretty sure that’s keeping her from going any further, but I'm not sure when I should tell her that we’re poly. I don’t want her to think I just got in touch with her to “hook up”.

I think she may be open to this kind of relationship because when we were together, we talked about having a threesome, and she wanted to be “intimate friends” at the beginning.
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:11 AM
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If your wife is on board with you taking things further with this woman, I'd say the sooner the better. Who knows, it sounds like she could be up for it.
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:27 AM
SkeeterV SkeeterV is offline
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Hi, ray. My wife is absolutely on board. She thinks i should tell bring it up ASAP. I have never been very good at dating, and having been out of the game for so long WITH the added new aspect of being poly, i just thought it would be in my best interest to get as much objective input as i can.
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:33 AM
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I'm with you on the dating thing, well, in general I have a hard time "bringing things up." If she's already talked about being intimately involved maybe you could use that as a segway into polyamory. My current SO, before we started dating would fairly regularly suggest that we make out, along with reiterating that "My wife won't mind." And clarifying to her that you are interested in her but no, you're not leaving your wife or unhappy there is good, just in case. Keep us posted!
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:39 AM
SkeeterV SkeeterV is offline
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I am absolutely TERRIFIED of "bringing things up". Just to clarify, she hasn’t brought up being intimate with me yet. The conversations about being “intimate friends”, and having a threesome, happened when we were dating years ago.
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:49 AM
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Ah, I see. Well, at least you know she's thought about it. You can always test the waters with more subtle statements about non-monogamy and try to gauge her reactions to see what she thinks. I'm not good at coming up with those but someone on here must be. My SO did that a lot. It did end up confusing me for awhile though because I thought he just wanted a threesome. I had told him he needed to stop trying to convince me (I don't do casual, NSA sex) and then that night the light went on and I realized what he might have been trying to say. And then I asked him and we finally all understood what was going on. So, in the end you'll probably have to come out and say it but what's wrong with testing the waters?
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Old 10-16-2010, 06:04 AM
SkeeterV SkeeterV is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
You can always test the waters with more subtle statements about non-monogamy and try to gauge her reactions to see what she thinks. I'm not good at coming up with those but someone on here must be.
I'm definitely not known for my subtlety. Hopefully someone can give me few hints on that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
So, in the end you'll probably have to come out and say it but what's wrong with testing the waters?
I think maybe I'm afraid of water. You're probably right, testing the waters is the right idea. Can I start out with just my toe?
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:34 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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You definatly can test with just a toe. I have used this one before: "Hey, did I tell you about my friend? He's married AND he has a girlfriend. Kinda different huh? No, he's not cheating on his wife. She KNOWS he has a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend! I think it's kinda cool, and my wife and I have thought about it a lot."

At this point, see where the reaction is. If she's totally turned off by the thought, then move on. However, if she is inquisitive, then forage ahead.

Good luck and keep us informed.
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Old 10-16-2010, 04:45 PM
SkeeterV SkeeterV is offline
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Thanks for the advice TL4everu2. The old "I've got a friend” act. It might take some finagling to fit it into the conversation, but I'll try to think of a good segue into it. Not to pry, but how well did it work for you?
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:04 PM
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Well, Let me tell you a story. First, it worked well......Even if only to let me know the woman wasn't interested in being poly.

The story: I used to own my own martial arts school. Toward the time of my closing it, I had a student who had been training with me for 3 years. She is not a blackbelt yet, but is still training under my instruction. Well, I started flirting with her one night while she was working out on the weight equipment. (I also helped her with her weight training in addition to her martial arts) Anyway, I was over the top, and she was flirting right back....Sooo...I told her about "my friends". Her response? "Huh. Well, thats not for me at all. I can barely handle ONE man. Let alone TWO."

So it was not to be for me. I kept flirting, but I did so with a different mindset. Now, I know it'll never happen with her, but hey....at least I know.
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