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Old 04-16-2013, 01:49 AM
soleilselene's Avatar
soleilselene soleilselene is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 24

Well I got tested for EVERYTHING and came back negative. So that was a relief. They are doing free testings at Planned Parenthood during the month of April here, so I brought it up to my partners.
At this time: open sexless marriage.

"It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."
Paulo Coelho
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Old 04-17-2013, 09:22 PM
abcman abcman is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1
Default I'm in a quad we just had a group discussion about opening up

Hi, I'm in a quad. We've been in a polyfidelity relationship for two years. Recently my secondary approached the group after meeting a new possible romantic interest from a party and wanted to re-negotiate the agreement within the quad. The request was to see this new interest in a sexual relationship, and she requested that we meet to discuss what type of rules to put into place.

There were a lot of other issues that we've been working on as well. Some of it was drama I created, but I've realized part of that is because I felt like I had to be agreeable, which wasn't I realize fair to the others in the quad. So when we met, one of the options we discussed, each party who ventures outside the quad must practice safe sex (condoms) and if there is a mistake, that everyone be alerted.

One of the rules, the ladies wanted. That any new potential partner, that they would have to agree to take a STD test, but then they wanted to proceed with the sexual relationship after results were returned. I didn't like this rule for a number of reasons. The first was when we got involved with this couple, my wife contracted Herpes from most likely this couple. We all were a bit niave, we had been tested at Planned Parenthood, but we hadn't gotten the HPV/HSV2 test. Well, my wife came down with it about 3 weeks after we started having unprotected sex with this couple. This of course caused a lot of drama, the couple in our quad felt responsible (they both tested positive) and our knowledge and research of Herpes told us that we most likely contracted it from them. They were the only ones we had sex with (safe or unsafe) in about three months. So naturally, I'm a bit gun shy now. So to me, 2 weeks and then "okay, they demonstrated a willingness to get tested" is good enough now... that didn't work for me.

But instead of vetoing the rule, I felt like if I didn't then I'd be a stick in the mud. I also had some jealousy issues with the new relationship, not to mention I felt pushed by my girlfriend in terms of the speed and rapidity in which she wanted to have this relationship. So I did something I shouldn't have, I went along with rule. But emotionally I was not happy, and the meeting we had took a wrong turn and both she and I got into an argument.
One in which she brought up a number of past issues she had a problem with in terms of my listening skills, etc.. regardless, we've been working on these issues in a cooling off period.

What I didn't find out until the other day, is she has since started a sexual relationship with this other man. Couple of things still bother me, and I'm not completely sure how to back up start this conversation over again without sounding defensive, jealous, etc. But I am not feeling my concerns were heard. I'm also a bit frustrated that the four of us didn't more clearly define the procedures or communication that should be required when and if we have a relationship outside the quad.

What bugs me, some in this quad (including my primary) think that condoms are the panacea for STD's. But as a male, I've had "condom" malfunctions in my experiences, I've known men to sometimes break the rules (as do women). I trust that our partners feel they will respect the rules, but I also think there is this misplaced faith that condoms are going to stop all the little bad guys from affecting any of us. If it was just an easy choice of .. well if you do this, then we don't have sex for six months with my girl friend, then it would be easy. But my wife doesn't want to stop having sex with her boyfriend, my girlfriends husband. He's not going to stop having sex with his wife. So it's a complicated thing where I'm trying to decide if I'm being too paranoid and condoms should be fine.

I think the deeper issue is that my girlfriend wants her "Freedom", but she gets mad at me for not listening, then turns around and steam rolls to what she wants with little regard for my feelings or the health of the quad as well. This is a bit troubling.

I'm just curious if anyone else has made this type of mistake, how they resolved it. I am aware that one choice and it's one I've considered carefully, just end this relationship all together. But then again, that does not resolve it with my wife. Polyamory can be wondeful, but it can also be complicated. Frankly, I want to see if my girlfriend and I can work through this at this point, there are some issues that I've been responsible for in this relationship, the big one is not listening (understanding) her. I've really worked on that during this break and feeling I'm much better then I was a month ago.
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Old 04-18-2013, 04:37 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default Condoms are pretty damn effective when used properly

they require latex safe lube if there isn't enough moisture though as they don't hold up well to friction. They also don't protect very well when then aren't on the guys dick during all instances of penetration.

I believe the best way to prevent disease is to not sleep with ignorant people. You would be amazed at how powerful denial can be, or at least I was because from my experience the mistakes that I made was assuming the people I was involved with were educated or at least knew the basics of sexual health, So I have been more than a little upset due to thinking I we had talked about sexual health yet down the road it was an instance of

are you fucking kidding me!?!?

and my view was that they simply didn't want to deal with any thoughts that might be hard to deal with, which in my book was just plain ignorance on their part which told me (with actions but not words) they didn't give a fuck about me. But luckily to this day I have never had an sexually transmitted disease.

When it comes to sexual health, you would be doing yourself a favor by being very detailed, and yeah it can be sort of a sexual buzzkill, but I have heard it all:

*people who agree to use condoms when having sex with others, but didn't know I meant they more than just finishing with a condom.

*people who thought that I only meant vaginal penetration and not any penetration

*people who who didn't realize agree to fully disclose when/if they have sex with others yet had unprotected sex with me and they were going to tell when the time the right, but for me if someone agrees to keep another informed, as in the rule was honesty, that doesn't mean waiting for the right situation.

Viruses are a very peculiar bunch, and even with new tests out there, the meaning of the answers are very easy to misinterpret, even doctors have a tendency to do it (be ignorant). Strains from the HPV family of virus are so prevalent that most doctors do you not order tests as the overwhelming majority of people been exposed, have had the little buggers in their body, but their body is dealing with it just fine, and there isn't little virusi out and about mingling with all the rest of your body's cells

But personally, I would be fuming mad at anybody who passed on HSV II, because even if your partner has it, it is not transmitted unless there is an outbreak. And it is hard for me to believe that a person who has HSV II can not know when that occurs, HSV II transmission is usually due to ignorance and denial and NOT unavoidable accidents. I really am in no place to say so, because I don't herpes, but as I understand it, the outbreaks or sores don't move. That days before sores appear the area is tender and you would have to be fairly ignorant to think gee, that's weird, that part of my genitals that seems to hurt the other day now has a sore, it's probably nothing and I know it's kind of a dick move to have sex with my girlfriend when I haven't seen a doctor about these sores but it's probably nothing

but after that harsh generalization I should say that people may seriously be that ignorant, or that self-conscious and utterly-stupid-under-the-influence-of-horny and technically be dumb enough to not know they have herpes, but my point is that people like that are fucking dangerous. Child labor is the only thing that can truly bring on a sudden onset/outbreak of sores caused by herpes virus, so if they aren't going into labor and they pass herpes to your partner, it's likely they had some indication they had sores, that is also a good indication they need to mature a little more before you can engage in sex and maintain yours your partner's sexual health.

It sounds stupid and a mood killer to have a talk with your lovers that gets as specific as, have you ever had so much sex you were sore? Will you promise that if your dick is sore for any reason, you'll tell me and especially if it's sore for no reason, because if you are too much of a pussy to tell me or talk with me or too embarassed about this subject and you give me a disease I am going to burn your house down

Again I am not an authority but I know people who have herpes and thank God they are mature enough to talk about it and because of their maturity level I am far more trusting of a knowledgeable, educated, responsible woman with herpes than I am with a ignorant, irresponsible, uneduacted drug and disease free girl.

people make mistakes and they may be innocently ignorant, if they are, you would be wise to refrain from sex with them

The most common form of "tesing" for HPV is pap smears screening for cervical cancer, which if it progresses, will likely mean a complete hysterectomy which happens to be a very serious matter. There are many misconceptions the the majority of the world has in regards to the medical industry's " handle on issues like cancer and viruses. Because honestly the medical industry doesn't know jack shit compared to the public's imagine or view that mankind believes that the Good Doctors knows.

I do not put much stock in to the theory that condoms (when used properly) do not protect against HPV. If you don't always start without a condom and there are any instances of unprotected penetration, sure, my personal opinion is that data collected in studies that make these claims fails to realize that people lie. People get caught red handed and will still swear up and down on the bible and their mother's good name and it really is a shame because that is the why psychiatry is so far behind other medical fields is because they just don't seem to understand they are dealing with humans which are probably around 90-95% two faced liars.

The truth is, all they know about viruses is what they do and what they are made of, just tiny fragment strand of genetic info. But if you believe that scientists have "seen" them as in gotten an honest to God visual picture of them using an electron microscope, I feel sorry for you. But there is a whole pack of lies that the world believes to be true, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why the lies are necessary but I've never gotten any straight answers.

In full disclosure, I should through it out there that very few 'experts' would agree with me and my views are what is considered delusional or crazy conspiracy. But remember these words, because it won't be long until everything comes to light, but you will be able to recognize slightly before hand, because before the world opens it's eyes to The Truth, the same foolish people who justified history's lies as necessary evil will continue to deny right up to the end without ever realizing just how outlandish and desperate andobvious they have become and it will not be pretty. Search google or youtube for " The Night of the Hunter (1955) - River Boat Scene " and listen to the preacher's scream when the two kids just barely escape and the dude goes nuts. That scream is the sign of the beast. The root source of denial and lies, the reason the world can deny that love is good and hence poly people have to be closeted, why the world is full of a people whose minds are so clouded with lies, seemingly insignificant lies that prevent so much good, love, truth and knowledge.

Sorry bout right the hand turn veer way off into left field

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-18-2013 at 04:55 AM.
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herpes, hsv1

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