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Old 02-21-2013, 02:34 AM
Butterfly83 Butterfly83 is offline
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Default New beginnings

Hi,

New to this space and hoping any wives on here have some information on bringing a new female into a marriage. How do you hold together your original unit as a marriage and include someone else? What do you do if your you feel your unit is not as solid? Can the new partner be equal in reality, or is your primary the main priority? How important is the primary relationship above the other? What if there is disagreement over this? How do you create boundaries so everyone gets what they need long term? How do you integrate when children are involved? And of course, contain that green eyed monstor?

Thanks in advance for your feedback.
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  #2  
Old 02-21-2013, 10:55 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Butterfly83,
Welcome to our forum.

Although I am not one of the wives here, I will try to tackle your questions from my perspective.

Re:
Quote:
"How do you hold together your original unit as a marriage and include someone else?"
Your "new unit" contains many "sub-relationships," such as
  • your husband and the new person
  • you and the new person
  • you and your husband
  • all three of you
Your original unit as a marriage = you and your husband. It needs time and attention, as do each one of the sub-relationships. (Yes, the platonic sub-relationships usually need time and attention as well.)

Re:
Quote:
"What do you do if your you feel your unit is not as solid?"
The biggest deal in any poly relationship (any relationship at all, really) is communication. If something is not as solid, it probably needs more/better communication.

Communication needs two things:
  • honesty
  • kindness
It consists of two things:
  • talking
  • listening
You'll always need to get better at each one of those things: the honesty, the kindness, the talking, and the listening. Communication is such a deep and complex part of a relationship, I know of no one who can do it perfectly. It is a lifelong endeavor. So do it a lot, and get lots of practice.

Re:
Quote:
"Can the new partner be equal in reality, or is your primary the main priority?"
Some relationships exist in which the new partner is secondary, and remains secondary. It can work, for some people. Personally I prefer the model in which all three partners are primary (be it a triad or a vee). That model also works, for some people. You just have to figure out which model works best for you.

Re:
Quote:
"How important is the primary relationship above the other?"
That, too, entirely depends on the unique relationships and the unique people (each with their unique individual needs) involved. Some secondaries don't want to be very involved, in which case they don't need to have a high priority. Other secondaries want equal co-primary status, and while they may not get it right away, it's nice if they can earn it over time.

Re:
Quote:
"What if there is disagreement over this?"
Well then we're back to that communication thing. All three of you need to sit down together, talk, listen, negotiate, and seek some compromises. Actually it's a good idea to schedule a regular three-person sit-down (once a month? once a week?), especially early in the poly relationship, so that major drama can be staved off by keeping each other on the same page.

Re:
Quote:
"How do you create boundaries so everyone gets what they need long term?"
Communication; sit-downs. Sometimes it helps for each person to write down a list of their wants and needs, and share the lists amongst each other. Then, you try to work together as a team to get all three persons' needs met (or as many of them as reasonably possible). The important thing here is working together as a team. Try not to get into a situation where each of you is squared off at one corner of a boxing ring.

Re:
Quote:
"How do you integrate when children are involved?"
Same drill: communication and sit-downs. I think it's important to discuss matters about the children ahead of time, before the children are intermingled (with other children or other adults). Agreements must be come to as far as how discipline should be handled. Here again you may need to make some compromises. Try to come up with a system that all three of you can live with, so that the kids have a consistent set of boundaries to live with.

Re:
Quote:
"How do you contain that green eyed monster?"
Check out the following links:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-22-2013, 12:06 AM
Butterfly83 Butterfly83 is offline
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Default Heartfelt thanks

Thank you for your feedback from the bottom of my heart. At this point I am reaching into my heart to give myself all the love and acknowledgement I crave from my husband. His NRE is frightening, and I desire to be a part of this new connection, not watch from the sidelines. I also intend to honour my marriage above all others, and the family we have created
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Old 02-22-2013, 12:23 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Ah, you have an NRE situation. Well, NRE is quite a force of nature, it can blind your husband and make him neglect you without realizing it.

In a word, don't let him. Remind him, "Hey, I'm here too." He honestly doesn't mean to neglect you, he is just all "drunk with new love" right now. It is alright to give him reminders that you still need his love and affection too; he is going to have a tendency to forget.

Not to let him off the hook or suggest he isn't responsible for his behavior. I just know what it's like, having gone through the NRE process myself. There are things about the way I handled it back then that I am not proud of now. Your husband is likely to end up having a few sheepish regrets as well. And a new appreciation for the reminders that you give.

There is another thing besides NRE, it is called RRE (for Renewed Relationship Energy). It is a phenomenon where his excited feelings for his new partner spill over into his existing relationship with you. That's something that should be happening. If it doesn't happen, tell him, "Hey, I need some RRE!"

Hang in there. I think you will find that this all gets easier, a little at a time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-22-2013, 06:47 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly83 View Post
... I desire to be a part of this new connection, not watch from the sidelines.
A part in what way?
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Old 02-22-2013, 10:08 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfly83 View Post
Hi,

New to this space and hoping any wives on here have some information on bringing a new female into a marriage.
You cannot 'bring' someone into your marriage, each dyad is its own unique thing. Try to move away from the mindset that this is 'your' relationship also, it isn't. You can have a relationship with your husbands partner but that will also be its own unique thing and will develop as it will, as long as you are both respectful and understanding to each others needs that should be the minimum, you need not be friends, but that would be ideal, anything above and beyond that will be a matter for time and effort, do not try to force anything in an attempt to experience what they have.
Quote:
What do you do if your you feel your unit is not as solid?
Are you comparing it to theirs? As in 'their relationship seems more solid? If so, I would suggest that is just the NRE effect which makes everything look rose tinted, trust me, it will wear off and their relationship will have the same ups and downs.

If you mean it does not seem a very solid relationship in general, before Poly entered it, I would suggest Poly was not a safe thing to do at this moment. Poly has the effect of amplifying problems, if your communication was bad, it will be worse under Poly, if you were having sexual issues, it will be worse under Poly. Better to work on your relationship and getting it strong before anyone starts looking for other partners.

Quote:
Can the new partner be equal in reality, or is your primary the main priority?
Does the new partner want to be a primary? This is something that concerns her, it will not do for you (or both of you) to make arbitrary decisions on her life without her say so, or change the boundaries and rules her relationships without her input, that is working in a hierarchal way in itself. If your husband having a co-primary, ever, is a no no for you, than you must tell him straight away that he needs to be your #1 priority so this can be something that is discussed between him and his partner so she knows she is free to seek a primary partnership in the future if that is what she would want. If you are open to having a co-primary than it is up the them where and if their relationship heads that way. That need not mean she will set up house with your and y'all be sisterwives or similar. But if you DO choose to be open to it, than you must accept that you will not be the #1 priority in all things and your husband will have an equal responsibility towards his relationship with her also. If you can both accept that and support it and she can do the same, than you can have a lovely relationship with her.
Quote:
How important is the primary relationship above the other? What if there is disagreement over this?
That honestly depends on whether you want to place the primary relationship above the other. This is not a priority for everyone and some people do not work in or like hierarchal relationships (I don't, I find it degrading but others are perfectly happy, it depends on what people may want at a time in their lives).

Quote:
How do you create boundaries so everyone gets what they need long term?
Communication x3, never hold it in (to 'keep the peace' ) never say 'yes' to something you don't want because you feel pressured and speak up when your needs are not being met. That speaking up is your responsibility, your husbands responsibility is to make sure he is not neglecting one relationship for another. This is not an easy thing to do being a hinge partner may seem like fun and games, but it is actually jolly hard so be patient, but also be firm.


Quote:
How do you integrate when children are involved?
I think that depends on the longevity of the relationship and depends on how much time this partner will spend with the family. I would say it is best to wait and see, in the early days she is the friend of the family, if it ever gets to the point where she is spending significant times with the children you may need to think about it, but at this point I think dwelling upon it would be putting the horse before the cart and projecting too much into the future of this particular relationship.

Quote:
And of course, contain that green eyed monstor?
Everyone has their own take on this so don't be surprised by multiple answers but I don't believe it can be contained but it can be understood and it will lose power over time. When I first experienced jealousy it was like a knife in my heart, after some time of confronting why I was experiencing it and the fact that it come from a place that was possessive and insecure, it lost some of its ability to hurt me and instead because a slightly dull ache which I was quickly able to sweep away because I was reassured that I was valid and was loved and needed. If you are not getting that validation from your partner that will make it harder to sweep those feelings away, if you are not confident and believe strongly in your relationship, than again, it would be hard to deal with those feelings. If you never communicated with your partner that they may be doing something (unintentionally) that will amplify the feelings of insecurity, it again will be hard to deal with those feelings.

So, wrt communication, your responsibility is to communicate your feelings to your partner and respect the validity of his other relationship with her, do not try to ingratiate yourself into it or control it from outside.

His responsibility is to make sure he communicates his feelings to the both of you, that he does not neglect one partnership for the other and when he receives communication that he is not living up to his responsibilities than he takes action.

Her responsibility is to communicate what she wants from the relationship. To be respectful and understanding of your relationship to him also and not to try to ingratiate or control it from the outside either.

I HTH,

Natja
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  #7  
Old 02-22-2013, 11:08 PM
Butterfly83 Butterfly83 is offline
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Default Dyad becoming a Tryad

We are due to all meet up very soon to discuss our boundaries and how we wish things to progress. I am doing my research into polyamory, and coming up with my ideas about what I need for this to work effectively.
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Old 02-23-2013, 03:23 AM
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Sounds good; keep us posted.
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