Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-05-2010, 12:14 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
*raises a glass of something and toasts with RedPepper*

What she said.
Hear, hear!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-05-2010, 12:26 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,369
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape View Post
Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession?
What do you mean? You're wondering if you're seeing yourself as belonging to him?
Well maybe you are and maybe you aren't, but that's beyond the point.
Neither of you belong to the other. You have a relationship that is based on trust, and the fact you went behind his back and hid things is betraying that trust. It doesn't mean you are "his" and need his "permission" to do things, but at the very least he deserves to know all the facts beforehand. And if you want the relationship to be the best possible, then ideally, yes, you make sure everything is fine with what is going on, make decisions together, etc.

It's not a case of him having to decide for you, it's a case of you not deciding on your own, and both of you deciding together.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-05-2010, 12:37 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

The cornerstones of Polyamory are honesty, integrity, and concern for everyone involved in a relationship. This is not the path you're walking.

By jumping directly from the theoretical possibility of polyamory as a beneficial change in your marriage to a fait accompli covert sexual relationship, you have totally set poly aside in favor of a garden-variety extra-marital affair. That's the sandwich you've ordered, and you'll have a hard time sending it back to the kitchen and trading it for poly, especially if your husband has the serious communication issues you refer to in the other thread, and he's only recently opened up enough to tell you there are problems in your marriage that have been building up over the years.

Whichever way you go, buckle up; it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-05-2010, 01:48 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228
Default

Rainbow, It can still be OK. I know, it happened to me. Yeah it was like being hit by a ton of bricks then kicked a few times when I was down. Be prepared for him to be angry. Be willing for him to lay down the initial ground rules; that will make him feel better.
That's my advice.
Good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-05-2010, 04:31 AM
fullofdumplins fullofdumplins is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape View Post
He is aware that I want to explore this and is aware and has acknowledged our different sex drives & needs right now. The reason I think I screwed up is because I didn't get his "permission" to sleep with this guy, although he does know about him.

Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession? The fact that there are secrets is a red flag though that I feel guilt or disapproval of my own choice or fear of my husbands reaction.
Why look at it as "permission"? I understand that it could possibly feel that way but it's not just a decision for you to make or for him to make, it's something you BOTH make together (depending on the boundries, I guess). It's not only for peace of mind, but for safety as well.

I'm not in a poly relationship with my s/o but we do have an open relationship. We've discussed that we keep communication open with everything, including our intentions with people. If someone random does come up sponateously on the radar, we tell each other at the next available and appropriate opportunity. There have been times where the truth has made things difficult, but that's where the communication comes in. The moment that you hide information or even slight details is when the trust starts to drop.

I've been on both sides where I had to tell the truth and where the truth was told to me.. and I understand, it's uncomfortable and sometimes you just think "what they don''t know can't hurt them" but finding out the truth later on hurts more. Once you break that trust on that type of level, it's hard to rebuild.

Be honest and be willing to work things out. Listen and see what they might have for suggestions for next time. I've learned that it's a continuous learning experience and you can't always get it right on the first try.

Last edited by fullofdumplins; 11-05-2010 at 04:56 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 11-05-2010, 05:56 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

The word and idea of "permission" is an interesting one... when we enter into a relationship with someone it comes with expectations, one of those is that we won't have sex with others. At least this is part of the expectations of monogamous relationships anyways, which is what you, OP, started with. So the idea of permission might makes sense from this point of view perhaps (I dunno, I haven't been in a mono for a realllllly long time and never got them when I was)? Especially as it sounds like you had a conversation that just started the topic of poly. Just a notion of what it might mean to you both.

Of course we are not "owned" my our partners, but we respect them and understand the nature of the trust they have of us. It is this trust and respect is what is what is thought of when we desire others and want to engage sexually with them, not do we have "permission," that is a slippery slope that leads to justifying fucking whomever just because we get resentful. It twists our partners right to be respected, considered and cherished.

Personally if I had any partner that thought I should ask permission I would be wondering what was behind that. What is it that they need from me in order to feel respected, cherished and that I can be trusted... same the other way around... If a partner thought that I would be expecting that they ask permission, I would be wondering what was behind that too. Do they think I don't trust them? Do they not cherish me or respect me enough to know that I honour their freedom to do what they will, but will not stay if they damage their integrity and self worth with cheating and lying in order to get their needs met. There is no need for it. I would expect that they would exercise good boundaries when it comes to sex and would trust that they would check in with me first, because they care about my feelings, about what I think and that I am okay. If I am not okay, I would also trust that they would slow down and make sure that I am okay and continue at a pace that feels safe for me... continue. because it isn't okay to just stop moving forward, but slowly.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 11-05-2010, 06:07 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,369
Default

I think about that "ownership" thing, a goodway to put it might be that you don't belong to each other, but you both belong to the relationship. You both have responsibilities that you wouldn't have if you were single, and these responsibilities include keeping each other informed. Maybe you feel like having to tell him is cramping your style, or that it's not fair that you have to tell him because it's your life... But it's all relevant to him.
When you have sex with someone other than your partner, then you have sex with your partner, it's like they had sex with that person by proxy. Any risk you might have taken will be risks for him too. Even if you use protection, things aren't 100% safe.
I feel like informing him is the very least you could do. By entering a relationship with you, that man is also entering a (different) relationship with your husband. It seems to me that when adding more people to a relaitonship, everyone should be on the same page.

Also, it seems to me that the way you talk about it (asking permission, etc) makes it sound like you expect him to say no, to be against it, to have a problem with it. When you expect someone to be fine with something, you don't see a problem with telling them about it.
But if you think he wouldn't be fine with something, isn't doing it behind his back even worse? It's something to consider at least.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 11-05-2010, 07:46 AM
Namarta Namarta is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2
Default Asking permission

I have been in a couple of poly relationships. My wife of 15 years would probably fit into the category of the ethical slut. When I first new her, she was very promiscuous. She felt obliged to tell anybody whe had sex with about anybody else that she was having sex with concurrently. That included me.

Being rather English, I find that it is just good manners to ask me if it is OK to have sex with someone else. First I think it is a matter of politeness and just plain good manners to ask. Second ther might be a reson why I am uncomfortable with the poly male and might wish to say no. And third I find that simply being informed gives me the feeling that I have no say in the matter. I am of the feeling that it is not sufficient that I am in a ply relationship and therefore she should not have to ask on the basis that I expect it. And fourth I suppose, I find it erotic to be able to say yes and possibly to hear all about it later, or even join in. That is far removed from just being told about it with no say. Being asked is much sexier and more erotic in my experience. Am I worng?
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 11-05-2010, 02:46 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape View Post
........... He is aware that I want to explore this and is aware and has acknowledged our different sex drives & needs right now.
Well.........there IS a difference between 'being aware' and 'being in agreement'.
You seem to be skirting around the question/reality ? Let me ask another way.....
Have you two reached a point where he KNOWS you intend to go forward with this and is at least prepared to deal with it as you go ? Or do you (honestly) feel that from his perspective it's all still theoretical ? And you blindsided him by taking it 'real' prematurely ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape
The reason I think I screwed up is because I didn't get his "permission" to sleep with this guy, although he does know about him.
Ok.........
So, to me (only me), if I 'knew' you had a prospect, knew you were (or intended) seeing him, I would ASSUME it would take a sexual direction if the opportunity presented itself. After all, this IS part of the purpose - no ?
The discussion possibly lacking up from surrounds whether he feels he needs to know a person first, whether he needs to be present etc. All conversations that in an ideal world would have been had in advance.
But we don't live in an 'ideal' world - not have 'ideal' communication skills.

Regardless of how this particular stage shakes out I think you both need to keep that central to any discussion. You're both in the learning stage. You MAY make mistakes. Vow to be as careful as possible not to - and commit to that !

Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowDreamscape
Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession? The fact that there are secrets is a red flag though that I feel guilt or disapproval of my own choice or fear of my husbands reaction.
Quite possibly. That IS, after all, the old model. A lot of ownership and control dynamics going both ways. Part of a relearning process - but you are not likely there YET.

Have to run - maybe more later..........

GS
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 11-05-2010, 07:16 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I think about that "ownership" thing, a good way to put it might be that you don't belong to each other, but you both belong to the relationship.
I like this... it makes sense to me. When we decide to be in a relationship we become part of that relationship rather than part of each other. We belong to that relationship not each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
When you have sex with someone other than your partner, then you have sex with your partner, it's like they had sex with that person by proxy. Any risk you might have taken will be risks for him too. Even if you use protection, things aren't 100% safe.
The risk is not only physical its emotional too. There is no protection for emotional risk. That is why there is so much processing for a couple that has invested in each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Ok.........
So, to me (only me), if I 'knew' you had a prospect, knew you were (or intended) seeing him, I would ASSUME it would take a sexual direction if the opportunity presented itself. After all, this IS part of the purpose - no ?
The thing is GS, you have been around this block before and have experience. You and the wife know what to expect and have some idea of what might happen if things get sexual. Yes, that is a good goal, its healthy to be able to assume things will get sexual if you have had poly relationships before... that is part of it.... but the OP and her partner haven't experienced poly relationships yet and were just talking about how that might play out for them. It seems to me she went from zero to a hundred in the course of a weekend. That plays out very differently for someone that has not finished negotiating the boundaries of their first poly relationship and someone that has years of experience and a wife that he has been married to for many years. No?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundary pushing, cheating

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:19 PM.