Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-04-2010, 09:53 PM
mumbles's Avatar
mumbles mumbles is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 32
Default

I dunno. I've been told she's a bad friend by pretty much everyone that knows her. Everyone's written her off, she's just the village bike in people's eyes. I hated to hear that, because I've always seen her as a lot more. But now I think I get what people were saying.

I don't know if I was just blinded or what but I really wanted to have a connection with her, but it's almost like there's nothing there past the surface. I can tell you she doesn't care about "me", and that was just confirmed in my mind, maybe that's what really hurts...or maybe I just hate getting lied to.

So not worth it.
__________________
Our love is a palette; our loves, the canvases.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-04-2010, 10:05 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 275
Default

@redpepper- True to an extent but that all progresses with your experience with the people in question. That is why it pays to, not only exercise great communication but, also, pay close attention to how the people in your life interact with other people and deliver sensitive information and how they interact with you in these circumstances because it gives you great insight into how honest they really are when expressing their true feelings and how much sugar they add to their statements and shows you the best way to approach them in these matters in the beginning. As time passes, however, we all grow and learn in communication with each other which includes learning how each person communicates best, how honest they really want you to be, what works & doesn't work for your them, etc. As long as your actions/words are not seated in negativity, you should be able to speak freely. Ultimately, as I say all the time, it's all about perspective. You cannot help the way someone reacts to your honesty. You can only help them see it clearly, show that it was done in good intent, and work through the kinks (finding out how you can approach/express it better next time). Personally, I lived many years of my life pacifying others' emotions- not speaking honestly about my thoughts and feelings about something or sugar coating my responses to appease the feelings of others. What begins to happen (depending on what it is and how long you have been holding it in) is, those feelings and thoughts that are withheld for the benefit of others, become a burden within you and eventually start to make you sick (emotionally, spiritually, physically). So, I guess the most important thing is to find someone who is communicatively compatible or capable of being so.

That is the issue with our relationships, in general, now. People are too concerned with the politics of wording. I have to have complete honesty but I am a person who is very self-reflective, very rarely offended (if ever), and do my best to not internalize or take much personally. Even when I do experience duress, I live in the belief that our emotions are a direct reflection of self so, by seeking the basis of my emotional reaction within me, I will find that it never has much to do with any external source and, thereby, have no reason to be sensitive about someone's expression. That's just me though. Probably a lot of the reason why I remain a free agent. It's okay. I'll just keep being completely honest (sometimes brutally) with myself.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-04-2010, 11:44 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

@eklctc- I agree, but as we are talking of a possible partner in this woman mumbles is speaking of I think there are some differences in expectation and assumption on how communication should go in order to have a successful relationship. When I spoke in my last post I was referring to the possibility that he may reach deeper and more connected a relationship. That is only worth investing in with some people. I don't bother telling co-workers, for example, how I wish to receive feedback and I select very carefully what battle/conversation/issue I wish to participate in. I don't expect them to invest in me like I do my partners in terms of deep connected communication but I do expect to be respected and relied on as a team member and all the communciation that comes with that. I model how I want to be treated and if someone were to unknowingly hurt my feelings or be negative towards me then I would tell them I am hurt and why. That's it.

Partners are a different story for me. I invest in something different with them. Something deeper and more vulnerable. I think it goes from the "politics of words" as you call it, I like that , to just being completely open and honest and also ourselves; vulnerable. I think one needs to use the politics to create ones own way of being within that.

When PN and I took communication courses we were choppy and sounded contrived and just plain not ourselves in our practice of skills, but that was the starting point. The point was to move past that to something that sounded like us. We have reached that, although we have a long way to go and its all changing as life seems to be about change.

I guess I think if mumbles wants a relationship with this woman the first hurdle (as it is with most budding relationships) is communicating when someone has fucked up at it. It can be a make or break thing in a relationship. Mumbles sounds like he has decided she is not worth it and that is fine, but if he chose to find out what she is made of and whether or not she is partner worthy I would suggest the approach I had above. Why wait, why skirt around stuff and expect she get it. Honesty is about being honest; just coming out and saying, you hurt me and could this of gone down this way, could it go down that way next time. Saying what is deep inside of us with vulnerablility and compassion for the listener. At least that is what "non-violent communication" techniques have taught me. They have faired me up very well (when I chose to use them ).
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:07 AM.