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  #11  
Old 06-24-2009, 10:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by yoxi View Post
Hey, Mark1npt, I wasn't trying to correct you, I was just adding another side to the discussion . I find it helps to see that alongside the differences between men and women, we're also both more similar than we like to think we are.

Ya, especially when you're dealing with "gender" as a subjective thing... as with regards to trans-sexual, trans-gender, and gender-roles. We are not necessarily the sum of our chromosomes.
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2009, 04:30 PM
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yoxi yoxi is offline
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Vive la similitude ! We (or at least I) live in a very digital culture - man/woman, gay/straight/bi, monogamous/promiscuous, young/old, etc. etc. etc.

No sense of spectrum, probability fields, or the idea that people move around within these fields. I am at different times more (or less) gay, male, monamorous, young... it all seems to wander about, and tribal pigeonholes are not set up to welcome that reality.
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  #13  
Old 06-26-2009, 07:10 PM
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Thanks for all the replies - there's been a touch of progress since I last posted.

#2 and I agreed that we were at a stalemate, and it was either go on being in limbo, or coming to the conclusion to end it. We had a long and difficult talk, and he has suggested to persue another lady he was thinking of seeing (rather than just a fling), in order to try and find out if his emotions can take it.

It's not the sharing of physical intimacy that bothers him, moreso the emotional aspects. He says that he does not have the emotional, financial or time resources to give someone else what he gives me, and that any time spent giving to someone else would be taking it away from me. I rather see it as an opportunity for him to grow outside of our relationship, but I do respect his outlook on it.

So here's hoping that time will help him make sense of things, whatever conclusion he comes to.
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  #14  
Old 06-26-2009, 08:05 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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I can see where #2 is coming from with regard to splitting his efforts, time, money, etc. It is probably harder when 3 people are apart in different locales, living separate lives. In our 3 it is certainly to apportion out time, love, attention since we all live together. It does simplify a lot of stuff, I feel.
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  #15  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:01 AM
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I would suggest that you re-think the meeting each other thing. I have a friend who just met his wifes other partner and it didn't go well. They are so different and it was very awkward. However, what was gained was that he got to see first hand just how much this guy cares about her and how well he treats her. He also understands better what roll he fits in her life because he is different. It might serve as a small discomfort for a good long term goal of having both in your life and everyone feeling comfortable.

Monogamy in someone who is actually monogamous because they are that way, rather than have felt like it has been dictated to them, is a very special thing... it's governed by societal rules but is much purer somehow. The bottom line is the love that is there. I wonder sometimes if people that are monogamous actually love to it's fullest capacity when they just simply follow the societal rules...that is another topic though....

I truly believe that if he really loves you and is committed to a long term relationship that he will be open to the idea of examining different rules in your relationship than he has been given by society and has been used to in dealing with other relationships... in poly we get to make our own rules for ourselves and with each other. They can change and morph with time, but they are ours and no one elses... perhaps this is a time to set some rules and talk about boundaries as you seem to be coming into a different phase of your relationship. This might be very difficult for him, but maybe if you lay it out in such a way that it is inviting and take your time, then you will be able to reach a consensus and a time line to work on things.
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  #16  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Northern View Post
Thanks for all the replies - there's been a touch of progress since I last posted.

#2 and I agreed that we were at a stalemate, and it was either go on being in limbo, or coming to the conclusion to end it. We had a long and difficult talk, and he has suggested to persue another lady he was thinking of seeing (rather than just a fling), in order to try and find out if his emotions can take it.

It's not the sharing of physical intimacy that bothers him, moreso the emotional aspects. He says that he does not have the emotional, financial or time resources to give someone else what he gives me, and that any time spent giving to someone else would be taking it away from me. I rather see it as an opportunity for him to grow outside of our relationship, but I do respect his outlook on it.

So here's hoping that time will help him make sense of things, whatever conclusion he comes to.

sorry, I didn't read the second page...! oops... so is it over then I'm confused? It doesn't sound like his heart is in it... hmm. confused.
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  #17  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:17 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I truly believe that if he really loves you and is committed to a long term relationship that he will be open to the idea of examining different rules in your relationship than he has been given by society and has been used to in dealing with other relationships... in poly we get to make our own rules for ourselves and with each other. .
It is important to remember that not all "monogamous rules" are determined and set out by society. Monogamy is also a human nature for some, therefore the rules are created internally based on what feels healthy for the individual.

But yes, if the love is great enough it can face challenges for sure! But it has got to be huge!
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  #18  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:50 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It is important to remember that not all "monogamous rules" are determined and set out by society. Monogamy is also a human nature for some, therefore the rules are created internally based on what feels healthy for the individual.

But yes, if the love is great enough it can face challenges for sure! But it has got to be huge!
you missed that I said that...

"Monogamy in someone who is actually monogamous because they are that way, rather than have felt like it has been dictated to them, is a very special thing..." I am assuming that he is a "love for one person at a time type" as you are. Not that he is mono because he has never thought he could or would want to be anything else.

I'm not trying to suggest that societies rules for relationships are bad either, some of the rules are good ones, just that it is okay to challenge them and make your own by communicating honestly. I believe that you, mono, make your own rules because of your nature in being monogamous and because of who you are...and being in touch with yourself, not because you have been expected to follow certain rules and are determined to live up to that expectation. some people do that... like saying being gay is going against what society says is the right person to love for your gender.
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  #19  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I believe that you, mono, make your own rules because of your nature in being monogamous and because of who you are...and being in touch with yourself, not because you have been expected to follow certain rules and are determined to live up to that expectation. some people do that... like saying being gay is going against what society says is the right person to love for your gender.
Totally agree my radiant Life Love. I understand now, night
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  #20  
Old 06-30-2009, 11:19 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
oops... so is it over then I'm confused?

#2 and I are are still together, but he has offered to try seeing someone else also, to help him decide what he wants. His potential other lady is happy enough with this situation, thankfully. Sometimes he thinks he can live with the situation, and sometimes not It's understandable that his thoughts are swaying, so this may be a good way for us to find out.

I cannot see a meet working, however much of a good idea it is. Like in the situation you recounted, they are both very different, and they simply wouldn't get on at all. Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell them more about eachother, as that may help #2 realise that it's not a matter of him not being enough, as I would have chosen someone similar if that was it!
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