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  #11  
Old 02-22-2013, 08:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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And I never got the chance because the entire conversation/argument was him angry and venting and me trying to pull back and keep calm try to put things on pause so he could cool down and we could talk about it later without the anger and insults.
So you try to give constructive feedback and he is unwilling to receive?

Quote:
When he says no, that's usually the end of it. He hasn't said no to reading the links, he just seems annoyed that I think he needs help with things like conflict resolution and effective communication.
Again -- he's not willing to receive constructive feedback? Or he perceives ANY feedback from you as criticism? Or he think he knows it all to polyshipping and not willing to hear your POV? What is his fear? Abandonment?

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I knew, on some level, that I should have done this...and tried to. But in the past, he's seen that as "running away", and has asked for me not to do it, so when I made the request and he didn't want me to go, I stayed and just tried not to get hooked in to arguing. Tried to stay neutral, calm, though by the end of it I was upset and in tears despite my attempts not to let it rattle me, and then he was upset that I was hurt and he left abruptly, which sorta made me angry that he was doing exactly what he'd asked me not to do.
Because that quote makes it sound like he could have abandonment fear somehow?

Could try "Look, I am not going to run away from the whole relationship. But I'm not here to be an emotional punching bag either. When you are calmer and not upset and willing to try to discuss this calmly, we can try again. I will call you Friday. If you are ready before then, let me know. But I am done for today, I need rest and a time out to calm down myself. Thank you."

Maybe giving him a time frame could help reassure?
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Most of our issues seem to be grounded in the two, honestly- conflict resolution and effective communication. I think he and I both need a crash course in how to talk about 'hot button' issues to actually resolve them instead of having them fester and then pop back up over and over again.
Sounds like a fair assessment to me. Is he open to exploring that? What about learning Non-Violent Communication?

Book on amazon or could seek trainings. Or both.

Quote:
He and I both do seem to want serious commitment in our relationship. He tells me often he doesn't want to lose me, wants me in his life, wants me close, and how much he loves me, and I feel the same about him. I don't know about the relationship model agreement, that is one of the things I am hoping we can sort when we talk next.
That sounds hopeful for this situation. He does want committment. Is he also willing to do the work on both sides that requires? Or is "committment" to him more like you do what he says because he's the domme and you are the sub and this is a 24/7 lifestyle approach?

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Sometimes I think we communicate better via voice, when there's less likelihood to misconstrue a tone of voice with the text, but then again, sometimes the text is better for getting your thoughts organized as you type them...it's hard to say.
Ok, if the text was the communication vehicle and it's not flying great -- try more ORAL then for CONFLICT times?

Then leave the ok text for just general communication and sharing? Maybe could be a mix of communication vehicles that serves your relationship best.

Hang in there. You sound like you are trying hard to move this forward. Hopefully he will be equally as willing.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2013 at 08:17 PM.
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  #12  
Old 02-23-2013, 03:39 AM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
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We talked, rather unexpectedly. It felt as though he needed to get something off his chest.

He asked me what issues I had about his friend. I was nervous- I guess since the question was out of the blue. I told him, the red flags I'd seen about her, the fears I had about a second relationship wrecking ours, the fact that the damage done in his NRE fog had damaged our relationship and my trust in him and his judgement. And he agreed, with all of it. Said he was having a difficult time facing just how badly he had messed up, how badly he had treated me, and the fact that things with his friend had gone completely south. Said he was sorry, for all of it.

And we discussed relationship models and actually both agreed what we would really ultimately enjoy was an open model where we were the primary couple and just had play partners from time to time (sexually and BDSM play). He said he realized that maybe he wasn't poly or at least that he was really bad at it, and that I was more important to him.

We also talked about the living arrangements and agreed that right now he's going to work on getting a job, getting on his feet financially, and I'm going to work on finding my own place and separating from my husband, and that as soon as we do, we'll discuss our options and go from there. He said it's still scary to him, some aspects of it, but that he really does love the idea of an 'us', of being together. So we seem to be on the same page with that as well.

I'm still a little stunned by all of this, but cautiously optimistic. We had a really good talk today about a few of our 'hot button' issues, and we were able to discuss it all calmly, in a caring and positive fashion. And in the end we even ended up agreeing on almost everything and feeling pretty good about our talk and what we'd accomplished.
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  #13  
Old 02-23-2013, 04:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Awesome! It was a bit tense there for a bit but in the end you guys made it through this patch pretty ok then and arrived at a new understanding of each other and with the knowledge that this relationship CAN handle rough conversation and not have partners wig and bail.

That will help you both in confidence for the next time, whenever that one hits. You can both go "Remember the time... THAT hooha? I think this could be like that. Rough convo but we can make it through if we stay calm and preservere."

It sounds like he's coming to terms that he's more polysexual than polyamorous and you both better for having shared vulnerable. Emotional intimacy had, new understanding reached. New plan of action made -- now off to execute and see how the plan serves you both.

Still check out those communication/conflict tools -- but I am so glad you sorted this one out and could move it forward. Good on both of you!

WTG!

GG
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  #14  
Old 02-23-2013, 04:57 AM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
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Thank you, to everyone who posted, and let me ramble and try to sort out my thoughts and feelings here. It was a big help, and I really appreciate this board for all the great advice and support. I really can't thank you guys enough for the wonderful advice and feedback.

I wanted to add, later on last night when we talked a little more about it, he actually volunteered a timeline, said he's only planning on staying in his current situation 6-7 months, to just find a job, pay back his friend for letting him stay with her, and then move on. We decided our goal was to both be out on our own and independent within this time frame and that we will then assess what our options are for being together. Somehow having a time frame helps, makes it seem less like languishing in limbo and more like there's actually a light at the end of the tunnel, like we're both working towards something healthier and more positive and that things will be better soon.

And GalaGirl, I ordered that book, Non-Violent Communication. It looked like a really good read.

Last edited by Tamcat; 02-23-2013 at 04:10 PM.
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  #15  
Old 02-24-2013, 02:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm glad he finally calmed down and you had a good talk, he apologized and you both got some clarity.

I was starting to think he was being a dom-ass. Some so called Doms think they can just do and say anything to their subs, order them around, with her having no say-- but that is just abuse.

Things are complicated... he's jobless, and you're separating from your husband? These extra pressures make practicing polyAMORY difficult. If y'all can make do with just playing around with others for now, maybe the amory part will be easier once the other pressures have lessened.
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