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  #11  
Old 02-21-2013, 08:00 PM
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Language, terminology, and how you express what you want is very important. If you went to other sites saying you want to "add" a woman to your relationship, as in "add a third," I think that might be one reason you have been called unicorn hunters. Whenever people say that they want to add a person to the relationship they already have, it comes across as objectifying the woman who will be "added," as if she is meant only to serve the existing relationship.

Think about it, you add a condiment to your main course to make it more flavorful, it is meant to enhance the food. So, seeking someone to add to your relationship makes it sound like they are only there to enhance it, but it doesn't sound like the relationship you have with that person would be as important as what she could give to you and your existing partner. It is terminology that conveys a sense of looking at your established relationship as the substantial part and another person as an enhancer, appendage, etc. She becomes an object in that perspective.

It would be different if you said, "I'd like a relationship with a woman and if she is open to being with my partner, and there is a mutual attraction there, we'd love that. But we don't expect it." When you say, "we want to add a third," it doesn't sound like the person is as important as what her role should be - THE THIRD. So, people call you out on that. And if any women who would be open to in that kind of arrangement come across your post, they think, "Ugh, not another unicorn hunter who wants me there just to make them both equally happy." If I were a bi woman open to being with a couple, and I read your sentence saying "Another woman will be able to satiate his prowess..." I'd roll my eyes and groan because that sounds like you just want a sex toy. I think that anyone who wants a respectful relationship, where the aim is to connect emotionally or on a heart level and be seen as an individual, would steer clear of you. So, think about what it is you really want and the impression you're making in asking for it.


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Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2013 at 11:17 PM.
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  #12  
Old 02-21-2013, 08:27 PM
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Excellent point, Nyc. One way to think about it is like this.

"We're looking for a third business partner to help us form a three-person corporation."
"Our two-person corporation is perfect and lacks for nothing (except someone with a better head for numbers, lol!), and we're looking to add a third person as an equal business partner."

Which one would be more likely to make you feel like you were actually getting in on the ground floor, actually going to have the opportunity to help steer the ship and see your vision play a major role, actually be *equal*, and which would be more likely to make you feel like the people who wrote it were actually just looking for an accountant? Honestly, I'd be wary of either offer... I'd much rather have someone say "Hey, I really admire your business acumen, and your accounting skills aren't bad either. I'm sure you've got your own things going on, but if you ever want to work with either of us in any way, let us know! We may be interested in starting a side venture or two, or we even be open to expanding the corporation some day if over time we found someone's vision complemented our own well."

Compare:
"We're looking for a third romantic partner to help us form a triad."
"Our dyad is perfect and lacks for nothing (except someone with a stronger sex drive, lol!), and we're looking to add a third person as an equal romantic partner."
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  #13  
Old 02-22-2013, 10:18 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Yes, it must be difficult to not look like a unicorn hunter.

Tough one indeed.
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  #14  
Old 02-22-2013, 07:20 PM
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Default An excellent article

Malfunktions,

I've been doing some reading and thought you might find this article of use. I've snipped some key parts (key for me) and put them here, as well as a link to the entire article.

This was written by Edward Martin III, and is found at his website Welcome To The Petting Zoo.

Quote:
When “always”, “never”, “everyone”, “no one”, or other such sweeping statements appear in a discussion, it is usually a sign that the usefulness of discourse has stopped, at least for now.
Too much effort is spent refuting that which shouldn’t even be coming up in the first place. Plus, it distracts from the real issue being discussed when all sorts of useful energy is spent saying “No, not everybody think’s you’re a taco.” It’s perfectly fine saying “A lot of people seem to think I’m a taco.” and still get the point across without forcing the discussion into the Theory Of Blinders.
Quote:
If there is a charitable interpretation, it should be used. In other words, use an interpretation that most directly leads to the desired outcome.
The biggest hurdle here is ego. The more you have invested in the state of conflict, the less likely you are to accept an interpretation that denigrates that energy expenditure. Keep the goal of the discussion in mind and consider interpretations of events that lead more readily to that goal. Of course, it helps to agree upon a desired outcome, first. That can be an adventure in itself, but can also lead very quickly to the end of the trouble, too.
Quote:
Sometimes a person chooses the wrong words. This is forgivable, especially if they try to find the right ones once they realize the error. The usefulness of a discussion is directly proportional to the allowance of this margin of error.
Especially in the heat of the moment, a person can use words that were unintended or that were not useful, helpful, or kind. As long as you focus on the goal of the discussion, then recovery from such accidents is fairly painless.
Quote:
If any one person in a discussion hasn’t spoken in more than five minutes, chances are, it’s not a discussion anymore.
Unless you’ve accepted payment to give a lecture, stop giving a lecture. It is perfectly acceptable to stop talking when you realize this and say “I didn’t mean to hog the floor. Sorry about that.” It is also perfectly acceptable to accept this as sufficient apology and move on. This is easier to enforce when you both need a mechanical device to speak. Then, you just start with one device and set a timer on it.

The entire article link http://www.petting-zoo.org/2012/05/2...zed-discourse/

There definitely seems to be an art to navigating online discussions with grace and tact. I wish I'd gone to college and studied debate and logic, and whatever other techniques would serve me well. But I thought this article at least made some good points.

Last edited by StudentofLife; 02-22-2013 at 07:25 PM. Reason: funky quotes
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  #15  
Old 02-22-2013, 07:23 PM
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Quotes repaired.

Last edited by StudentofLife; 02-22-2013 at 07:26 PM. Reason: funky quotes fixed
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  #16  
Old 02-22-2013, 08:27 PM
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Excellent link Student! Looking from a purely communicative point of view, this topic is a mess. There are too many interpretations of various scenarios, and so much gets lost on a posted message. Inflection and body language make up a huge portion of conversation, and they dont have any real way of translating onto a page effectively.

NOTE I am not calling out anyones message as insincere, and not trying to instigate with this next point. Just using it to illustrate a point about comunication in a forum.

Even within the very small thread, there is the possibility of a miscommunication, with Bellas post

Yes, it must be difficult to not look like a unicorn hunter.

Tough one indeed.


If said in normal conversation, this is a simple acknowledgement of the difficulties faced by the OP. If said sarcastically, it means the exact opposite.

I found the link you provided to be extremely useful.
Tim
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  #17  
Old 02-22-2013, 08:41 PM
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Yeah, on the topic of tone, I just wanted to say that I hope you haven't felt attacked, Malfunktions -- you came here looking for support and I, along with others, have provided counter-arguments instead. It's not meant to be personal at all, though, this is just an issue I've thought a lot about.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #18  
Old 02-23-2013, 03:50 AM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Red face

Oh not worried at all, I happen to take criticism very well, and I do agree that wording could have have been better on my part.
I definitely see everyone's points and are taking this all in

I do not feel attacked at all. I am learning

I do, however, feel the need to re-word the "fulfilling his sexual prowess" part.
I must stress that a sex toy is not what I meant at all lol
He is a hypersexual and I guess I'm, well, not ha ha

I've reviewed the link and have learned a lot. Actually I read it aloud to C

I also want to say that I don't want to date together because, Couples have couple dynamics and like things "together" that they don't like individually. Like together we like to go to certain restaurants because its a midway between our preferences but singularly I go to diff restaurants cause I have my likes in food that he doesn't, like sushi.
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  #19  
Old 02-23-2013, 04:16 AM
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Glad to hear we haven't been too off-putting.

May I, then, ask the question that, as I mentioned above, is what usually comes to mind for me?

What would you do if the person you're seeking, after some time dating, ends up only interested in one of you?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #20  
Old 02-23-2013, 04:27 AM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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I believe we'd hit that road eventually and I can't tell the future though I do have an idea that if they are more interested in him then I'd just move on and find someone else. I'm not overly clingy nor am I particularly jealous. He, however may take offence to that but as I said, I can't tell the future. Maybe he'd do the same? Maybe he'd develop a problem with it but I'd deal. Nothing's THAT hard. Or at least I don't think so.
Maybe that shows my level of direct intimacy but I can switch channels better than any remote should I need to.
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CM: second son 9 months.
Mouse: girlfriend! Status new, feelings not so much.
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