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  #21  
Old 12-19-2010, 05:14 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Beautifully put, truly.
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  #22  
Old 12-23-2010, 09:23 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Default Still Trying to Figure It Out

Iím going to start writing out my internal ramblings in hopes that they make more sense or form a better connection visually than they are doing roaming around in my mind.

So I managed to broach the topic of the relationship with P last night but we didnít really get anywhere. One thing that I noticed about myself (after he voiced it later on in the evening) is I was guarded and had been, I realized, from the moment I got there which hindered my ability to assertively address the topic earlier in the evening. Iím fighting to get to the bottom of those guarded feelings. Itís not like P has ever made me feel like I couldnít talk to him about anything but, maybe, itís about my interpretation of our interactions over the last two to three weeks and my desire to have some individuality and confidentiality between the two of us when it comes to the communications of our relationship Ö that has me on edge. I think the jackhammer applied to my trust foundation a few months ago has also made room for an acid whose sole purpose is to eat away at the edges of the crumbled rock, leaving big gaps in the midst of the areas that are trying to mend back together. I mean, the foundation was fragile anyway.

Anywho Ö we didnít get anywhere. I asked him if he was satisfied with our relationship and he said Ďyes and noí. I didnít press for an explanation because Ö I decided I wasnít ready to dive into that one at that time. I expressed to him that I felt like our communication was tapering off and it was also hard for me to get a Ďreadí on him (Iím pretty good at being guided by the energy projected by people) and, because of that, it throws me off as far as approaching him about certain things and interacting with him. I probably havenít shared but he takes medication that, pretty much, buries his emotions. I guess that may be a little strong but, I think, he places a lot of cushioning between his emotions and the surface so, when heís at full dose, itís hard for me to reach them, connect to them, and feed from them.

He has been busying himself with his own projects over the last week or so, taking advantage of his time off, which has resulted in a few days of no communication between us. Being that it was his request that we have daily communication it made me a bit anxious. Last night, he explained that when one or both of us are preoccupied with other things, then itís not so important. I think part of my problem is a problem Iím experiencing in various areas of my life right now Ė consistency and communication. Personally, Iím never Ďthatí preoccupied to where I cannot send a quick message daily, if that is the agreement. I may not be able to send a message response after my first, in a timely manner, but I make the time to send the first one or respond to an initial message sent to me, at least. I must also admit, I have grown to look forward to that daily communication and consider it a regular, unconscious part of my day. I also inquired about his continued education in poly relationships since this is his first go-round. He stated that he hasn't been doing it consistent but here and there but he has not put continuing to learn out of his mind.

A few weeks back, we discussed communicating more. Well, we discussed the fact that we both say we are waiting on the otherís text and I explain that I do not text as much as I would like because I donít want to interfere in his Ďnon Eklctcí time. He expressed, visibly irritated, that no matter how many times he has told me that I would not be infringing on his time and to text if I wanted to text, it didnít matter because I still referred back to my same concerns whenever I showed an interest in reaching out to him. So Ö I started texting him more, ya know, with idol chat, things going on in my day, questions that came to mind, etc. Now, he can only text me periodically throughout the day when heís at work and his regularly scheduled activities. I understood that. Then our evenings were filled with more chatter as he settled in. It was nice. Well, that didnít last long because it came to a point where I felt the correspondence was one-sided. There were days where he would respond early in the day (usually a little after lunch) and then I wouldnít get a response from him for the remainder of that day or night. I understand things come up and I understand that, sometimes, people just donít Ďfeel like ití; however, a little communication doesnít hurt. A message to say, ĎIím busier/more tired/more mentally preoccupied/etc than I thought I would be and may need some timeí or whatever. This way, my mind could be at ease, for the most part, that he is dealing with something (not related to something I did or said) and allows me to grant him the space he needs. Am I speaking Greek or am I Greek or whatever culture/species that would cause these things to come across as foreign?

*sigh*
After we took a break in our 'not quite' conversation, I just could not vocalize my thoughts they way I needed to so I concluded the conversation. I told him that I was going to start sending him email with some of my ramblings and questions (rhetorical and non) before I excused myself.

After I slept on it, I decided that it would be best to wait until after the holiday season to start sharing my in-depth thoughts with him. I don't celebrate the holidays in the traditional sense but I know it is a big time for many people and can be stressful as well. Plus, it is a time to enjoy loved ones and just be light-hearted for many and I didn't want to have any parts of ruining that, though, I don't believe this to be a 'ruining' phase but I never know how these things might affect him so I don't want to take my chances. Yes, my considerate self. Always thinking of everyone but me. *wonkwooonnkkk* I did ask him to consider his thoughts on our relationship, his feelings, etc because I don't want to be preparing myself to open wide up if it's unnecessary. Meaning, he may not be where I am and I do not want a repeat of Halloween weekend when I went in hoping to have a heart-to-heart and continue to build on a deep relationship just to find out the relationship I thought we were working on never existed ... and for such superficiality. I don't want to be there. That would go badly.

I am going to use this time to really hone in on my greatest and deepest concerns. Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of anxiety due to my own guilt. I've had to travel a lot over the last six weeks, thereby, missing out on my time with P. From what I'm told, the main reason he considered a relationship of this nature was due to the unavailability of his wife at this time so... what's the benefit of seeing someone else who becomes just as unavailable?

...to be continued
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  #23  
Old 12-31-2010, 09:42 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Default Carrying Over Into the New Year ...

My thoughts are still all over the place but, ultimately, I have decided that I am unhappy with the way this relationship has taken form and I donít believe there is any fixing it. Itís not that I donít want to fix it, itís just that I donít believe my partner and his wife understand the dynamics (I donít think his wife cares actually) and I believe my partner is having trouble knowing how to properly communicate and interact in this relationship now that it does not involve all three of us.

There is a great gap in the lines of communication. It seems that he makes it a point to not bring up anything regarding their relationship or share the goings-on in his/their life unless I ask and, if Iím not asking in person, he usually ignores the question which is passive aggressive behavior. On the other hand, it seems that he freely shares my life and our interactions with her. Explaining to him how this is unfair wouldnít go over too well, I donít think, because of the way he believes he should operate regarding his relationship with his wife (i.e. his primary relationship). I donít desire complete disclosure of all the intimate and in-depth details of their relationship. I understand that he obviously chooses not to confide in me about such things, which is okay; however, it seems like it has never crossed his mind to extend or, at least, inquire about my thoughts in the matter - do I mind if he shares the details of our conversations and interactions with his wife now that we do not associate.

On the other hand, my two nights a week can never just be about Ďmeí. He watches TV, checks stuff online, answers his wifeísí texts, and plays with his cat. There is no assertive interest in me. I mean, going in I knew he was not the assertive one but six months later I shouldnít still have to initiate every interaction. Then, knowing itís my time, his wife calls or texts from work, though, I do my best to not infringe on her time with him. Yes, it doesnít take up a lot of time but, being that I am already not getting his undivided attention and that has gotten worse since she made her decision about the relationship, itís the principle. Then, he always has to bring her up. He has to let me know that his wife bought him some new movies versus he got some new movies OR he and his wife did this or that before versus just saying that he has done that. Of course, I donít believe either of them would understand that point either if I were to bring it up.

For me, pursuing a serious relationship in a poly lifestyle is no different than pursuing a serious relationship in a mono lifestyle. In both circumstances, you have to balance your time between people and activities. In both circumstances, constant and clear communication is necessary. In both circumstances, you must relay your feelings and reassure your partner that you are willing to put forth a great deal of effort to build and maintain the relationship. The only difference is there are more people involved. In my case, our relationships are separate so it shouldnít be so it still doesnít present the difficulties that an all-inclusive poly relationship would.
We are both only partially satisfied in this relationship and I seem to be the only one who shows any concern about the flow of the relationship.

Throughout our association, I have been the only one who felt it necessary to talk about the relationship in regularly intervals. It really irritates me because each conversation came with an important revelation and a turning point in the relationship- changes based on mindsets that had already been present but not shared. That is not behavior conducive to a lasting relationship.
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  #24  
Old 12-31-2010, 09:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sorry to hear how frustrating it has been for you. It is tough to hang one's hopes on something that you know in your heart of hearts will never get better. Been there. It sounds, though, that you have sorted things out clearly. It seems you have not been respected as much as you deserve, and that taking a break from the relationship will be good for you and a positive way to start the new year. I wish you the best.
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  #25  
Old 01-01-2011, 01:29 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Sorry to hear this, eklctc.
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  #26  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:23 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Default Obviously ... here's my sign

I am a big UFC fan and enjoy going out to watch most of the main fights. I helped reintroduce P to watching UFC once we started seeing each other and, he says, he really enjoys coming out to watch with me.

Well, he and his wife went to an adult party on NYE. Mind you, he hadn't volunteered the information, just in conversation, and seemed to not want to share the information with me being that he did not respond to my inquiry about their plans for NYE via email and still did not bring it up during my visit, though, he brought up another aspect of the email. Only when I asked him then, in person, did he state they were going to one of the parties. Sidenote...it was never mentioned and I was never invited. Okay...

I wasn't bothered by that since I knew that I would get his time New Year's Day eve. Well, throughout our conversations about the event, P always mentioned that he and a male friend of his would be coming. Even up to the email last night, he stated that he and his guy friend would be coming. Well, in our final correspondence this evening, he tells me that he, his guy friend, and his wife are coming. ...

Yes, I'm a bit upset about that. Why? I wasn't invited to accompany them to the party last night where they brought in the new year together yet he doesn't stop to think that just Maybe this should be my 'bringing in the new year' quality time with him? He doesn't think to be considerate enough to ask if I mind if she comes since I know she's not into it anyway? I mean, they didn't even have to come meet up with me- I have my UFC activity partner- they could have went to where she suggested they go versus coming where I had decided to watch the fight.

I mean, this entire relationship, I have made it a point to exercise consideration in general but, particularly, in allowing them their qualty and/or solo time but not once do I feel the same respect has been extended to me. Nor do I belileve that my feelings or viewpoints matter.
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  #27  
Old 01-06-2011, 02:02 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Default Working on a Solution

My male partner and I had our regularly scheduled time on Monday night. During that time, I read the following to him regarding where I currently am with the relationship:

*************************
I do not believe my feelings or viewpoints are of any significant concern to either of you.

INSTANCES starting with most recent:

Brought H to UFC event without considering it may have been my new yearís celebration quality time with you yet no invitation was extended to me to spend any time with you on nye nor accompany the two of you to your nye festivities

Did not seem to want to mention new yearís eve plans

As much as being considerate of everyoneís personal and/or quality time has been discussed between you and I, you have not made it a point to ensure the same consideration is extended to me during my quality time with you

All of a sudden, you state youíre bad at responding to emails (though the only emails you have conveniently overlooked contained items you obviously didnít want to address) yet previously you didnít have any problem responding to them whether it was by email or accessing the email and addressing each point during my visit

It seems to me that you intentionally make sure you do not share any of the general goings-on in your life and/or relations hip as far as activities or just casual conversation goes with me yet you seemingly share every intricate detail of my personal life and our relationship with H

Last time you stated you loved me, in any form, was mid-November which was in response to me telling you as I prepared to take flight via text. Last time you verbally stated you loved me, in response to me telling you, was the second week of November. Last time you stated you loved me, in any form, of your own volition was Ö?

I think my interactions and expressions have been misinterpreted seeming to give you two the impression that my overall interest is overzealous or completely absorbed. I think that has affected the viewpoints and development of the relationship. Of course, Iíve always been good at making people feel special and like I am completely immersed. I believe thatís exactly how people should feel in relationships so I make it a point to constantly express my appreciation (compliments, favors, & trinkets) and my feelings (consistent verbal/physical confirmation & in-depth conversations) because we all could be in someone elseís life versus where we are and itís important to show that we are very aware of that but sometimes people can become presumptuous due to their own perception

I understood that I needed to be the assertive one coming into this relationship but, after six months, I wonder why I still am the one, pretty much, initiating everything. It doesnít give the impression that you are Ö interested Ö whether it be conversation, sex, etc

*************End of Instances*********************

I think you desire the attention and pampering from other people but not so much the other components that come with that interaction

There is more to being poly than the ability to love more than one person in an intimate way. You have to have the desire and ability to create and maintain balanced, loving, open, and honest relationships with each partner. You also have to understand that, whether all partners are involved together or not, each must be considered and respected separately, as well as, collectively.

The mindset shouldnít be if your primary is secure and accepting then all other partnersí security and feelings are of no real concern and that is what it feels like the dominate mindset consists of.

You choose to attempt to practice hierarchical polyamory (giving partners rank) but donít really understand the purpose of identifying partners as primary, secondary, tertiary, etc. It has less to do with the depth of a relationship and more to do with length of association, living arrangements, legal unions, and combined investments (property, children, finances). With that said, no one relationship, regardless of placement, should blatantly overshadow another, in substance, unless that is the mutual agreement and, even then, it becomes more about non-monogamy than polyamory.

I believe the poly lifestyle is attractive to you because maybe itís a graduation from the lifestyle youíve been participating in for years or maybe you truly are capable of genuinely loving another individual but, until you see that the development of a new relationship with an additional partner consists of the same honesty, effort, expression, and perseverance utilized in your previously developed one-on-one relationships, whether all parties are involved or not, AND realize that balance is just as golden as communication, there will always be a struggle in maintaining those additional relationships

If you have any suggestions or feedback, IĎd like to hear it.
************************************************** *

With all of that said, the converation went much better than I expected. I had played the future conversation over and over in my mind throughout the day and expected it to result in me gathering all of my lingering belongings shortly after my arrival, never to return. It didn't go that way though. We actually spent about 3-1/2 hours talking. A break is what I told myself would be best, though, I knew a break wouldn't do anything for me but provide me the opportunity to drown myself in work and exercise as I try my best to just move on. I came to find out that a break wouldn't be beneficial for P either so... we are still working on how to fix this. We do want to continue but I think he is just having problems finding the balance since this is his first experience. He doesn't want to hurt anyone but he also wants to be sensitive. The problem is...he has to find out how to be sensitive to and considerate of all partners' feelings and desires. Everyone cannot get what they want all the time and he is going to have to accept that and implement that into his and his wife's thought processes.

He expressed that he didn't even think about New Year's Day or what that might have meant. Part of his dilemma, in his view, is the fact that I really don't celebrate holidays so he didn't think of it being a big deal to me. I explained to him that it was more about having my own quality time with him outside of our regular place since that was a rarity and providing time for us to celebrate a new year together since he does acknowledge such things.

We shared a lot and was able to gain a different perspectives on some of the topics we had been pondering but I am still trying to figure it out.
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  #28  
Old 01-06-2011, 02:46 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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Unhappy It's Over

I don't have a lot to say...just trying to deal with the pain right now.

Basically, after wasting away at least 30 minutes, I asked P if he had thought about our conversation. Once again, he proved that any and everything else supersedes me. He stated he did off and on but he was a bit preoccupied with his home improvement stuff. He stated that he was thinking my suggestion regarding the break would be good or was best (can't remember exactly what he said). I was somewhat stunned so it took me a good five minutes to gain control of my inner turmoil so we pretty much set in silence throughout that time. There was nothing left to say so I asked him to get a bag so I could gather my items that I had there. Thereafter, on my way out, I stated to him that he was basically telling me that it was over. He stated he didn't know. I responded that he did know because we had just discussed on Monday how a break wouldn't do either of us any good because we would throw ourselves into work and other things, never addressing the issues here. He said something but I don't remember what it was. All of my focus was being put into keeping my composure long enough to make it to my truck. The last thing he said was he just needed time to think about what it is that is holding back the development of the relationship or something to that effect. He had stated that there was something that just didn't feel right to him but he couldn't put his finger on it but, if he could figure out what it was, it would give more insight into the current relationship predicament and the future of it.

Anyway, I said that was fine (barely) and walked out without saying anything more. We normally hug on departure but I just couldn't endure anymore pain and I was doing all that I could do keep it together. When I got to the car, I started crying so hard I fumbled with the key in the ignition then I couldn't see anything while attempting to drive. I cried myself to sleep then woke up at almost 3am for NO reason. I almost started crying again because my mind was starting to have waking thoughts about everything. I just kept begging, "please just let me go back to sleep".

*sigh* I'm going to try to make it through my work day. Thanks for your support.

Last edited by eklctc; 01-06-2011 at 02:54 PM.
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  #29  
Old 01-06-2011, 05:23 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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(((Hugs)))
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  #30  
Old 01-06-2011, 08:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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So sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I know how that feels. You deserve someone who makes you a priority. Hang in there!

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
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