Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-13-2010, 03:05 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default The "Institute"

I used to consider getting married and have actually been engaged to be married four times. Those marriages never came to pass and I am not sorry. I've never wore the 'traditional' costume very well and, though, I loved these men immensely, and could probably be the traditional wife, I would eventually tire of the constraints and partial satisfaction. Marriage was never really my thing...not in the sense it is expressed/practiced in this society.

I do want to be committed and united but I want it to be done as equivalently as possible across the board with whomever I partner with. Marrying someone before you know that your love lifestyle is meant to consist of more than one person is one thing but doing so after you have come to this realization is ... unfair ... in my view.

Now, I understand that it may be easier and cheaper to just get married as to grant a partner with all of the rights you would want them to have on your behalf; however, equality has never been easy or cheap so why would you think creating it within your own relationships would be any different? The only way for all of my partners to be equally acknowledged and vested in my life and affairs is to do it legally meaning drawing up documents that address their rights as it pertains to my assets, health/death, etc.

What I see is ... there is still something 'dominant' about the relationship when two people have 'married' even when involved in a polyamorous relationship. Now, if the set-up is primary/secondary, that's understandable but some legal adjustments still should be made, especially, if the households are combined, etc. That's just my take. However, I don't like the term 'secondary' when talking about committed, long-term and I choose not to place a 'value' or 'placement' on the people I involve myself with. It reminds me too much of polygamy.

I desire a relationship where we are all (I'm thinking a max of four people total) primaries to each other. I know that is idealistic but it can happen. Now, if I end up with three men, well, I don't really expect all three of them to be primaries to each other but it could happen and I'd be SO happy! We would do a unity ceremony (like a Vegas wedding with much fewer people, alcohol, and props) and we could even change names (if anyone would like) and signify our union by having the Egyptian Infinity symbol tattooed on/around the base of a finger (finger of your choosing). Then we would have our attorney draw up legal documents that give each of us all of the same rights one would receive if they were to legally marry one person.

I'm just thinking out loud.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-15-2010, 07:43 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

How very timely, eklctc, as I'm 12 days from my own wedding.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-17-2010, 03:58 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default

Awww...well congrats! My day will come to be united, in my own way, with my clan.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-17-2010, 04:09 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Travel, travel

I'm away from my babe because of business travel. Sucks because I had just spent a week away (not physically but mentally/emotionally) from him as I awaited the outcome of our relationship. A week into it and ... I'm away from him (physically) again. The bummer is, not only am I away from him all of this week, I will be away from him next week as well (unless I manage to see him when I fly back in Wednesday night for the holiday) and I will be away from him the week after all due to business travel. I worry a bit because the whole point of my existence in his life is to keep him occupied since his wife can't do it due to the pursuit of her personal goals right now. I know my absence is infrequent but, still, there are times when I will be away for work, somewhat, spontaneously for any given length of time. I think it's still new enough for me to be replaced because of something like that...
Maybe I just think too much...

Aside from that ... my night is ... eh ... There is something going on so there is a lot of freakin' noise in the hotel now so I don't know how well I am going to sleep. I can't deal with loud banging, stomping, etc. I already had to fight off a migraine earlier today due to the lack of food in my system, extra hot areas, and irritations.

Well, let me try to get to sleep so I can get up at 5a for, what will hopefully be, a very productive day.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-29-2010, 02:58 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Talking Travel & Updates

Eklctc's last adventure left you feeling melancholy and irritated. Hopefully, we can invoke some brighter emotions this time around.

Hiya alllll!!! I've missed you. I've been so exhausted from work and traveling that I have done a poor job of keeping up. I have successfully made it back to Chicago today for my final (we think) remote work week or, at least, for this city.

P (male partner (yes,using letters now)) picked me up from the airport on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving (which was very sweet of him) and took me back to his place for some 'show me how much you missed me' interaction. We didn't spend a lot of time together, aside from that, during that night since, the one time I wouldn't mind the extra time, my teenage son decided to not only arrive on time to pick me up but, actually, Early. However, I did manage to go spend some additional time with P yesterday at his request and my delight. He was continuing various odd jobs around the house so he invited me over to shadow him so we can spend time together. H, his wife, was home as well and it was our first time seeing each other since Halloween weekend when she changed the entire nature of the poly relationship we thought we had developed. It was cool, though. No real tension, though, we did not address anything that lingers between us due to that situation either. From what I gather, we probably won't. I'm sure it's really not that relevant to her since nothing has changed in her life and the revelation itself really gave me the freedom to focus solely on P since that has always been the more worthwhile relationship and the relationship my emotions have been invested into anyway. I did notice a tug from P, though, and I don't know if that was moreso because he wanted my attention to be focused moreso on him or is there something they have shared that I am unaware of that warrants very limited or no interaction with H at all. Who damn knows but I'm just going to continue to do me and, hopefully, I am dealing with people who can speak up and out when need be.

Anywho...I hung out with P for a couple of hours then went home. I ended up going back over later that evening because, earlier in the day, P had asked if I wanted to go out dancing that evening as a way to spend some more time together. I thought I had plans with my teenage son to go to dinner but, of course, he ditched me so I ended up seeing if P and H were still interested in doing something. I didn't want to do the club, though, but was more interested in bowling or pool. Well, P decided that he really didn't want to go 'out' but he did want to spend more time with me so I just got a board game and ended up going back to his place.

H was putting decorations on the Christmas tree and, since I don't do Christmas (or any other traditional holiday), I busied myself taking apart the pieces of the new board game I bought. P divided his time between chatting with me and playing in the box of board game pieces and assisting H with decorations. Well, H didn't finish with the tree until around 11p and I had a flight to catch in the morning so I excused myself.

P texted me to inquire about the general feeling in the atmosphere this evening with H. I told him that I hadn't felt anything if there was something and thought H was just immersed in what she was listening to in her headphones and finishing the tree but I told him it would be best to ask her, just to be sure. If there was something, I wouldn't expect her to share that in my presence simply because she has already proven she has some difficulties being upfront and candidly addressing or broaching subjects that really do need to be put out there. With the demise of our relationship, I expect even less communication of that nature from her. Additionally, I also suspect that there have been conversations or statement shared between the two of them about me after our 'break-up' that put P in a much better position of determining whether or not there is reason for issue or some emotional turbulence within her due to my presence or whatever so ... as I told him, I don't respond well to signals so I would expect her to speak up, to Someone, if there were any issues. There's been a couple of other possibly shady instances but you know what? I'm not going to give them or H any of my energy. I'm flowing, people, flowing...

After I returned home Saturday night, I created an ecard for P to be delivered today which he thanked me for this afternoon. I enjoy constantly letting those I love know that I love them, think of them, miss them, etc. I have come to realize that I really lead by example. I mean, I like little tokens of appreciation but very simple things like a handwritten note, a card, one flower. I'm not the type that feels comfortable with receiving many things more valuable than those like jewelry, etc. Maybe that is something I need to work on but I'm just so not materialistic so it would be a waste of time to get those sorts of things for me because I would most likely not put them to good use.

Well, think that pretty much brings me here. I'll be texting P in a couple of hours since H goes to work and I won't be infringing on their quality time. In the meantime, I will prepare for my tomorrow and continuing counting down the six days until I can return.---@
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-08-2010, 02:59 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Original Post re:relationship concerns

I'm just combining posts so that all of my story is here in my blog. This post may duplicate some of the information posted previously which was a snapshot of the situation.

10/25/10
I am in a polyamorous relationship with a couple. My official introduction to the parents is due to take place soon; however, I plan to tell my partners I think we should wait.

Why?

I don't feel the connectivity in the relationship when all three of us are together. Whenever we are supposed to have a 'group' discussion what ends up happening is 'they' have a conversation in detail and then 'he' filters the summary of the conversation and decision to me. That is a polygamous move- when the husband and primary wife discuss and decide and the results are passed on to the lesser wives. Also, when we are all together and my male partner wants to show something or say something, he specifically calls my female partner's name to share. Though I may be in earshot, I'm not really included in the conversation. There are other small things that I observe that continue to indicate they are still operating a dual partnership. So, basically, I have begun to feel more comfortable with them separately than I do with them together because at least that way I feel more 'in tune'.

Now, I noticed this from the beginning but, of course, I considered it to be something that would progress and change as the relationship developed; tried to consider the newness of the relationship (we've been together almost five months); and the fact that the relationship type in general is new to them after being married for 10 years (with sporadic swinging). However, as I have observed this behavior and tried to take it lightly, I decided I needed to speak up about it since it is something that I seem to look for now (because it seems inevitable) when we are together somewhat making me dread being together (all three of us) and it will begin to change the energy within me from neutral to negative if I do not speak up now. My brother tells me to stop using the newness of the relationship as a crutch to excuse these things.

Another point that I notice is that we always use 'time' as our reason for not being able to do things (get together and talk, hang out, etc) especially with my female partner BUT, as my male partner mentioned to me in a separate conversation last week, it's all about priority and sequence. Maybe it's not a priority at all or maybe it is on the priority list but sequenced so far down it never gets addressed. Now, my female partner can't ever seem to find the time to be available for a three party conversation but she finds the time to go meet up with other guys or go hang out with other friends or 'they' can find the time to have an in-depth conversation without me yet I'm free when they are free. My female partner also takes her sweet time to respond to my messages (I mean, like a day or two) which weighs heavier on me than I want to admit. I mean, if we are all equally invested, how does my male partner get a response and/or get a phone call yet mine gets ignored?

I don't want to end the relationship but the relationship I currently see is not the one I am aiming for.



10/30/10
So I have managed to have my discussion with my partners and a very interesting and vital revelation has come out of it. While my male partner understood and agree with me on my viewpoints and acknowledged they were things he needed to work on, my female partner told me that she was not as physically attracted to me as, she believes, I am to her and could probably take or leave the relationship because her focus is on personal goals (which is understandable). She basically stated that she would be interested in continuing to hang out with me and being friends but she does not desire the sexual aspect of the relationship.

I'm glad that information came out, though, I am upset to find out that (1) both partners have kept this knowledge hidden from me, (2) my female partner has basically subjected herself to interactions that she really didn't want with me, and (3) we really are not working towards what was originally discussed and I'm the last one to find out.

Pretty much, all of the concerns I originally had are null and void because, without her participation in building an all-inclusive poly triad, me not being included in their conversations; me not feeling a part of a 3-party relationship when we are all together; and me feeling that my female partner is not giving much effort into communication with me and building our relationship all revolve around a different type of relationship then what we, ultimately, are in and that was really the entire point of the conversation to begin with.

So, we somewhat pondered where we go from here ... and we are still pondering. As I have stated on the board and to my partners, a 'V' poly relationship was not my goal but that is where I am finding myself and in a secondary position. I don't know where I sit with that right now since I'm less than 30 minutes out of their presence. The original arrangement was that we would all only emotionally connect with each other. For me, that connection consisted of an all-inclusive companion/intimate relationship. With that no longer being the case, I know that I will not be emotionally fulfilled with just the connection between my male partner and I.

We spoke of our desire to have a live-in poly relationship in the future. They are working on having a baby. I mean, I'm now pondering the future as the time for these things draw near and concerned about how that will look...if they are still in the plans...what our roles will be...etc.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-08-2010, 03:00 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Original Post re: relationship concerns Contd...

10/31/10
At this point, I can't help but take the admittance of her not being physically attracted to me (even though, what she said was, she wasn't as physically attracted to me as I was to her-whatever the fuck that means) personally. I take it personally because he/she/both, I feel, have lead me on. She has been sexual with me, solo, knowing she really didn't want to. She has participated with us together knowing she really didn't want to have sex with me. She has consistently made comments to support her attraction to me knowing it was not the truth.

Another thing that has gotten under my skin is...what has she based her statement me being more physically attracted to her on? What has been her measure in coming to that conclusion because, whatever the case, she would be wrong. Solely based on physical attraction, she would not be my pick. However, I view people from the inside out. She has many traits that I admire and she and I have many of the same characteristics. The beauty I find within her fuels the attraction without. Plus, when I got to the point to where I allowed myself to be completely emotionally open to them, my inward attraction increased more adding to my outward attraction.

Her statement, for me, also implies that she doesn't have and never opened herself up to connecting with me emotionally, though, that is not what her mouth said in the relationship. I mean, maybe I just operate differently, but I can be attracted to someone for various reasons. When it comes to someone I am looking for something more with, their physical attractiveness doesn't play a big role in my decision because that is an attribute that can change if one only has the desire to do so. I have to be attracted to someone facially but, on a deeper level, the lack of total physical attraction would not deter me if there are other aspects of the person I am attracted to.

And...this is kind of shallow...but we have met up over the last two weekends with a couple that they have been swinging with, sporadically, for 5-6 years now. I don't mean to judge but it raises a point for me...the woman of the couple is a pretty woman but not in the best physical shape yet my female partner doesn't have an issue with having sex with her. My male partner voiced that he was not physically attracted to the woman but she had other attributes that he like, thereby, allowing him to interact with her sexually. That point just makes me wonder if my female partner has been completely forthcoming about her stance.

During our discussion, my female partner did say that she didn't know what to tell me. She didn't know if I should look for something that would fulfill my needs better or if the male partner and I should continue without her. My male partner expressed that he loves me and he doesn't want it to end but he knows I do not desire a secondary role nor a far-spread 'V' poly relationship. Then we kind of reflected on the things we wanted in the future like my moving into the house in 2012 or this all-inclusive emotionally bond we wanted, etc. My male partner and I also ponder, with the change, what would the future look like... because I can not totally invest myself emotionally in him when I know he cannot provide the same level of emotional interaction; since we are not all together, how long will the female partner be okay with our in-depth, individual relationship at the current level and building or, if she finds other people more to her liking to introduce into the relationship, will she want our relationship to end so that they can have the all-inclusive relationship under one roof...

Another issue that I have to deal with internally is my detachment. I am very good at completely shutting off my emotional/physical interaction with people when I have decided I have reached my threshold in that situation and, also, when I feel they have hurt/betrayed me. As I told my partners last night, with the revelation, the detachment from my female partner had already began. I allowed myself to open up and become vulnerable to her and she intentionally hid an important aspect of our relationship from me. That hurts and it's hard for me to take that lightly. Now, it makes me question what else has been kept from me and what, that has been shared, is genuine. So, that equals hurt and doubt. With that said, my desire to build a relationship with the female partner, on any level, will quickly become non-existent which, as I mentioned to them last night, concerns me because I don't know how that will affect my male partner.

I'm all too familiar with life's circumstances so I'll definitely continue to move forward and attempt to find a happy medium in the meantime.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-08-2010, 03:34 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default My Travels Continued

After spending 5-1/2 days in Milwaukee, then 12-1/2 days in Chicago, I am now in Atlanta for 6-1/2 days all for business.

It's been a fiasco, to say the least, and I've been missing out on loads of quality time with P. He occupies himself and seems to handle it well but I don't want the seed to grow in his mind that I will begin to be just as unavailabe as H, thereby, defeating the original purpose of this relationship.

The time we have managed to have together in between my travels has been nice. He picked me up from the airport, the day before Thanksgiving, during my short visit home and I got to spend an hour or so with him then. Then he picked me up from the airport this past Sunday when I went home briefly and we spent a little over an hour with each other. Then we managed to squeeze in a couple of hours Monday evening before I prepared to fly out this morning. We've also continued to share small tokens expressing our yearning for each other and sentiment.

He sent me the most heart-tugging message Sunday night after our short quality time. He said, "I miss you even more now that you are in town." <3

So, now, I'm in Atlanta horny, mentally blah, and longing for P. Though, I have plenty of opportunity in Atlanta to have company and more, since I used to live here a little over two years ago, I want the connection more versus the sexual healing so that keeps me at bay. I don't have any real 'poly' prospects here, though, either. The one Atlanta guy I believe contains the qualities that would keep me occupied, is traditional, in pretty much every sense of the word, when it's all said and done.

Oh well...

I don't celebrate traditional holidays but I do give P monthly gifts. I am having the damnedest time finding what I want to give him for this month. H actually bought one of the gifts I was going to purchase for P, though, she suggested that I buy it since she was purchasing its complement (somewhat). Somehow, she was unclear of whether or not I Was going to buy it and she didn't bother to inquire after the discussion so ... whatever.

Okay, I guess I'll try to relax and get some real sleep. OH...sidenote...I actually slept through most of my flight from Denver to Atlanta this morning. That's how I know I was Really tired because I feel that I Have to stay awake and alert when flying.

Toodles~
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-15-2010, 05:45 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default Finally Home & More

After five weeks of business travel, I am finally home for a spill. My last week of travel wasn't so bad but, since it was very short notice, I wasn't prepared for (or moreso in the mood for) socializing and company, though, I did extend an invitation to a couple of people to come help me clothe a bit of vulnerability I was feeling.

I didn't feel so connected to P during the last week. There were a couple of days (between Tuesday and Friday) where the last communication I had from him, for that day, was during the afternoon, leaving me with many hours to sit and let my mind wander. Though, he is the one that originally requested daily communication, I have grown accustomed to it being ongoing and it is a part of my day...a part of him...that I look forward to but it was lacking. One day, he did explain that he had an up and down day, which is fine, but ... *sigh*. It's the communication thing. I know, through observation, that the overall communication in his primary relationship is not what they portray it to be and it filters this way. I mean, it only takes a few keystrokes to say, "I'm feeling some kind of way today and may not be so responsive, fyi." That gives me a heads up, lets me know it's probably not anything I've said or done, and allows me to comfortably give the space needed without feeling anxious. It made me feel like an old toy collecting dust on the shelf.

Anywho...on top of feeling a bit forgotten, I was in such a mental state from the traveling I had been doing and the projects that it turned out to be more of a rude awakening when I realized I was visiting my old city of residency during the week of my exe's birthday and our would be anniversary. The birthday popped up on its own but a mutual friend actually reminded me of the anniversary. Though, I do not desire to be back with my exe, I cannot remove the love in my heart for him but, nor, can I remove the pain caused by opening myself up to that love. I have not spoken to my exe since I walked out and moved to the opposite coast in November 2008 and have thwarted every attempt he has made to get a response from me but, via mutual friends, I know that I am still a big part of his life and he is ever open to receiving me. I don't know how my mind feels about that but my heart operates on its own logic so I would rather avoid any circumstances that will bring these things to the surface at this time because, regardless, it wouldn't change anything.

So...I made it home after my coworker's car overheated three times on the way to the airport and my flight was delayed almost two hours from its scheduled departure time. P picked me up from the airport and I was able to enjoy a deliciously loving first night back (Sunday) with him and a chill night with him last night. I've already managed to give him two December trinkets which should hold over until I decide what I want to get him for January.

I think there may be something sitting on me right now but I cannot pinpoint what it is. I've just started feeling this weight but I don't really know if it's an energy in the relationship or is it an individual thing. I'm sure it will come to light here shortly and I can sort through it accordingly. I know that I have been pondering how P really feels about me of lately. I mean, I know what he has voiced but I don't always feel a connection in his actions so I have a desire for details (i.e. why, how do you know, how strongly do you feel, etc). I think ever since Halloween weekend and H's revelation, I've been seeking validation and reassurance in my relationship with P and I've been questioning the genuinity of our interactions.

Okay, I think I have more to say but I am tired. See you on the other side.~
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 12-17-2010, 01:25 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 287
Default I've discovered ... something

As I have been sifting through my emotions and thoughts, I have uncovered something.

I realize that I don't feel like I am a priority for P. I mean, I know I am not 'the' priority but even as a secondary I still have the right to some prioritizing, don't I? I mean, yes, he does give me tokens reflecting that he has thought of me and make time to see me during the week but I don't think that consists of him going out of his way to do anything he wouldn't already be doing if I hadn't entered his life. I mean, he may work late on a more consistent basis on those weekday evenings but I truly believe he would still regularly be at home watching TV, playing games or with his cat, or doing home improvement tasks.

I guess, since I've never really filled the secondary role this is new terrain for me as well. I have always been a primary partner in my previous multipartner relationships, even though, my partners were couples, thereby, already having a primary partner.

I am used to someone entering my life and, from that point, never imagining life without me, regardless, of our relationship status or 'ranking'. It's hard to swallow when that doesn't seem to be the case.

I, sometimes, wonder the intention behind our continued relationship. I mean, I know that I am midway on his scale of companionship and I want to ask if he truly feels something genuine and deep for me or is this something he holds on to because of the difficulty he has previously had with meeting women who he was attracted to, compatible with, and who were open to polyamory and various possibilities regarding the relationship involvement. And, if he does truly feel something genuine and deep for me, is that what fuels the relationship solely or is there more substance to it than that. I mean, I don't want to paint the picture that we do not have commonalities because we do but I just wonder how satisfying the relationship really is to him.

Sometimes, I get the impression that he believes I am more into him than is true. Same conclusion I came to when his wife decided she wanted to change the nature of the relationship between her and I. I am into him But not so much to where I don't see his faults and not so much to where I can't walk away. I know that I am out of shape, may not be as attractive to him as, say, his wife may be, but I bring my own components to the equation; some that she is capable of but just doesn't have the time and, others, that she is not capable of. I think that is one of the joys of being in multipartner relationships. You enjoy everyone for their individuality. One thing about me is, I've always known I was a rare find and, though, I am pampering, affectionate, and expressive, I lead by example not infatuation, codependence, or emotional energy so, in my eyes, anyone who has the opportunity to play a role in my life should, first, take note if they want to stay in it but, also, I believe these people walk away with a piece of me in their spirit, take great joy in our experiences and always remember me, regardless, of my extra weight, not so perfect hair/face, and my nuances because...I am a being of divine love that even I have not fully accepted, embraced, and utilized but I know it's there and it is powerful and it grabs a hold of people and absorbs into their spirit to stay within them for all eternity (poetic, I know:P). They will always remember the sensations, emotions, and reflections felt due to my presence in their lives positively or melancholy(depends on the reason for the separation) yet without animosity. So...I'm sorry but I'm not the desperate 'work in progress' holding on to what I can for as long as I can. Far from that. With that said, it would take someone extremely similar to me, in foundation, to totally bewitch me and I have yet to meet anyone who can match or exceed my caliber, candor, or commitment.

I think I digressed.

I think I am overly introspective right now as a result of the time of year, financial burdens, pondering goals and dreams unrealized and the absence of the means to achieve them, and so on which just adds to whatever emotional reflections I am having.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
eklctc, life, triad fallout/vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:14 PM.