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  #1  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:36 PM
marymary marymary is offline
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Default poly failure

my first attempt at a poly relationship has come to a very painful end. it would have been three years this xmas. not all poly years, but always open in some form.

i am left alone, he is at the start of a new relationship and exploring more casual stuff with at least two others that i know of. these all began before we split, i have no idea if he has started any more new connections since we broke up but it was just a couple of weeks ago so i guess probably not.

i was relatively cool and ok with the two casual lovers he'd been seeing for over a year.

i think his new relationship with a woman I will call E is on its way to becoming meaningful, although very much still in the honeymoon stage (they've been together about a month although they met and were attracted to each other about 6 months ago).

i have often been intensely insecure and panicked whenever he has started something with another woman, although up until now they have never developed into the intimate connection he seeks (and said he had with me). i don't think this one has yet, but i think it will (especially now i have stepped aside).

the irony is that it was me that pushed for us to move beyond non-monogamy/open relationship into actual polyamory.

maybe i am just not mature/emotionally intelligent/rational/developed/self-aware/self-confident/sane enough for a poly relationship, or indeed for any kind of relationship.

how does one know?
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  #2  
Old 10-27-2010, 01:44 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marymary View Post

maybe i am just not mature/emotionally intelligent/rational/developed/self-aware/self-confident/sane enough for a poly relationship, or indeed for any kind of relationship.

how does one know?
Maybe you should stop beating yourself up...maybe you're not poly. Don't associate the above attributes with any specific type of love.

Take care and be kind to yourself.
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  #3  
Old 10-27-2010, 04:34 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Maybe you should stop beating yourself up...maybe you're not poly. Don't associate the above attributes with any specific type of love.

Take care and be kind to yourself.
I agree with Mono! Marymary why you buggin? Actually when you say you pushed for open/poly relationship, why is that? For him? For you? If for you- which I hope it is- then were you exploring or do you feel for certain that you are poly in nature? Age of course is not THAT important, but you indicated maturity as a possible problem. Do you have many experiences in different kinds of relationships? Are you at a point in your life that you know yourself and your needs?
All questions I have. Love is an unpredictable emotion. Not to be pigeonholed into any one definition.
Your insecurity and hurt is NOT exclusive to monogamy. I often feel insecure or worried about my loves. Have I expected too much, am I pushing too hard, do they get enough of me, am I good enough for them, am I balancing everything, am I damaging my own emotional state by taking on too much? One of the main insecurities I have is- am I destroying something fairly good in my life to pursue something more? These are all fleeting thoughts that enter my mind on occasion. They all amount to- am I worthy of their love?

So when you are worried about pushing your ex into this...were you exploring, or sacrificing, or discovering? Those are the perspectives you should be focused on now. That will help you transition into wherever it is you are going. But that is MY opinion. I have a hard time with feeling guilt or sorrow or negative thoughts for very long. They have their place of course...but I usually wallow for a minute and then spring into action. I need to shake those feelings almost as soon as I feel them because it is my nature to put up, shut up or move on. I truly believe dwelling too long plunges you deeper into depression and self-doubt. Doubt is such an enemy of mine. BTW I don't really shutup too often.
Take care Marymary. This is a good place for support. Keep posting.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 10-27-2010 at 04:37 PM.
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  #4  
Old 10-27-2010, 05:31 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by marymary View Post
................
i have often been intensely insecure and panicked whenever he has started something with another woman, although up until now they have never developed into the intimate connection he seeks (and said he had with me). i don't think this one has yet, but i think it will (especially now i have stepped aside).

the irony is that it was me that pushed for us to move beyond non-monogamy/open relationship into actual polyamory.

maybe i am just not mature/emotionally intelligent/rational/developed/self-aware/self-confident/sane enough for a poly relationship, or indeed for any kind of relationship.

how does one know?
Hi Mary,

Don't be so hard on yourself !
But, beyond that, it may well be that you need to really learn about a little psychology - especially in regards to relationships.

The biggest trap it seems in relationships is when there come to be "expectations". With expectations comes the fear that those expectations won't be met !

Think about a first date/meeting. It's all new. Everyone is exploring. There may be 'hopes' - but at this point - no 'expectations'. The trick seems to be holding onto this attitude. We're more used to dealing with 'hopes' that don't pan out. Seem to polish that skill pretty early.

'Expectations' are something different. We go to a restaurant. We hope the food will be good. It is. We're happy. We go back - hoping again. Maybe it's good again. We keep going back - and now we EXPECT the food to be good ! But the chef is human too - and sometimes he'll have a bad day. And sometimes he get delivered bad stock. Etc. We are royally ticked ! The food sucked today. We swear we'll never go back there again. And we go around telling everyone we know to avoid the place.

What's wrong here ?

Expectations.

The more you can minimize expectations in a relationship, the more self confident and assured you'll be as an individual. The more you are this way, the better relationships flow. Snowball effect.

I think..............

GS
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  #5  
Old 10-29-2010, 02:01 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@mary- I would have to agree with MonoV on the beating yourself up part. Additionally, you mentioned that you experienced some insecurity and anxiety when a new woman was introduced. To me, that may indicate that you might need to take some time to focus on building self. That's not to say that people in multipartner relationships do not experience tinges of various emotions; however, I do believe that we develop a different, more introspective way of processing these instances that allow us to reflect on identifying the foundation of the trigger and working towards remedying that.

Also, maybe you should evaluate why you originally encouraged a poly relationship? That can also help you identify if it truly what you want or if you are seeking the satisfaction of your mate moreso.

Please do not beat yourself up and also do not allow yourself to remain available to your exe until you have found some peace in it. Communication that harps on comparing mates or keeps 'hope alive' is not healthy if it isn't genuine. *hugs*
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  #6  
Old 10-29-2010, 03:45 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by marymary View Post

maybe i am just not mature/emotionally intelligent/rational/developed/self-aware/self-confident/sane enough for a poly relationship, or indeed for any kind of relationship.

how does one know?
First thing - there is no failure....only lessons. Take them as they come, regardless of how tough
second thing - everyone is "ready" for a relationship. Just understand what you want and keep working for it. don't judge what YOU want in relationships, just know what you want is what will make you happy and work towards it. Don't compromise that
Third - no one knows anything. We can only relate by our own experiences. Hopefully by everyones experiences we can all learn something and create our own knowledge....

ari
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