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  #1  
Old 10-27-2010, 12:56 PM
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ambleew ambleew is offline
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Default New Emotions with a new relationship

Please bear with me on this one..as it is long. I am very new to poly so I would love to hear any input/comments/suggestions/etc. Just kind of venting and stating how I feel since I only have a couple of friends that know about my lifestyle so farÖ

I am married to a wonderful man! We have been married a little over two years but together almost eight. He is truly my soulmate and best friend. I have always been very attracted and in to women as well which he has always been okay with. It was not until about a year ago that I decided I wanted him to join in as a threesome and I really liked it. The more I thought about it, I thought of how much I wanted a female that I could share with him not only in that way, but also emotionally.

Anyway, we met a girl and have been seeing her for about a month now. She has stayed over with us and her daughter, for about 4 nights every week and we already gave her a key to our place. I fall very easily and I have very strong feelings for her already. She says she feels the same for me, and I can really feel it when she looks me in my eyes and tells me. Her and my husband are both still building their relationship, but I can tell it is progressing in a very good way. She is very new to this as well so really it is new for all of us. I love where it is going, but also terrified!

She just moved to town about three months ago and living with her aunt until she gets on her feet. She just found out her aunt is getting a divorce and she will have to find a place to live. We have talked seriously about her and her daughter moving in with us and I am excited and hope she does, but also nervous. Is it normal to feel this way? I want to share my life with her in every way and I get so excited when I think about a future with her. My husband is gaining strong feelings for her as well. When she is not at our house, we miss her and talk about her. I almost feel like I am in highschool again as giddy as I get when I talk to her.

I have been struggling a little but I think that is normal when just beginning right? I mean..I donít think I am jealous Iím just scared. Iíve opened myself up and terrified that it will go awry. I know I am falling in love with her and it scares me to death. What if she changes her mind? What if she isnít in this 100%? We have discussed having children together at some pointÖjust kind of touching on the subjects as she is curious and scared of what others will think. For those of you that have children, do you both have a children from the same man? How does that work? What do the children call you? How do you explain to the children your relationship? I know itís early to talk about this in our relationship, but itís definitely something that may come up some day.

Sorry this post was so long, I honestly have so much more I could say but thatís for another post.
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:11 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Slow down

Hi Ambleew,

Welcome to the group.
I'm sure you're going to find a number of people chime in with the sentiment I'm going to share.

SLOW DOWN !

You've only known this girl for a month ! This is not nearly long enough to know her well enough to determine what conflicts may arise if you were living together. Everyone is still on their best behavior and drunk in NRE

Living together is a whole different ball of wax ! All manner of sniggley things come up that can ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.

There's quite a lot already written here on the forum regarding this so do a little search. If I recall there's actually a complete (and active) thread dedicated to more or less this topic.

If she is about to be out in the street - well - maybe you have to do what you have to do - no different than you might for a stranger. But you AREN'T strangers ! So the interaction will be loaded with gunpowder. I'd try to find some way to help her other than moving her in if possible and let the relationship continue to move in whatever direction it will. As wonderful as it seems now, trust me, things ARE going to change in a number of ways before it all settles in. Better to have it settle softly than crash and break on the rocks.

GS
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
There's quite a lot already written here on the forum regarding this so do a little search. If I recall there's actually a complete (and active) thread dedicated to more or less this topic.
There is also a whole thread dedicated to "children and polyamory".

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830
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Old 10-27-2010, 02:43 PM
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Thanks a bunch for your input! I agree things are progressing pretty quickly. I'm sure she has alternative options regarding living situations. I definitely don't want the relationship to crash and burn so if that means taking it much slower then so be it

Thanks for the insight... I am definitely caught up in the NRE right now lol.
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Old 10-27-2010, 03:04 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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As GroundedSpirit said, you will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from. Who's to say how fast is too fast for 'you' and 'your family'? What I would say is...always proceed with caution. I am of the belief that we do not conduct our lives in the way others see fit or what others have adopted as normal processes. You conduct your life based on what works for your and your loved ones. That's why we are mature (hopefully), growing, individuals and if the current pace is comfortable for all parties involved...you should continue with that pace and, hopefully, the communication is vast, open, and clear enough where you guys have no problem discussing all things, small and large, along the way.

Discussing your future desires and throwing ideas around is beneficial so that everyone can start pondering if the desires are the same, etc. There's nothing wrong with being sure of yourself and what you want. It cuts out a lot of indecisiveness and fumbling through relationships. I'm sure things will grow and some desires will change along the way but the foundation is laid which is what is important.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, and you guys decided to move the third party in, you should approach it more like 'helping a friend in an unstable situation out' because she obviously is going to need a place to stay. You guys can discuss allowing her to stay currently while she continues to search for an affordable place. If the living situations flows naturally then you guys can all decide whether or not it is necessary for her to continue to browse for her own place at a later date. Sometimes, no matter how great people are together relationshipwise, they may not mesh together well when it comes to living together so that may turn out to be a growing process.

All relationships are trial and error but as long as everyone involved is interested in putting forth a great deal of effort to learn, compromise, grow, understand, and unite everything can work out.

Sorry for the length.
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Old 10-27-2010, 05:49 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

SLOW DOWN !

You've only known this girl for a month ! This is not nearly long enough to know her well enough to determine what conflicts may arise if you were living together. Everyone is still on their best behavior and drunk in NRE

Living together is a whole different ball of wax ! All manner of sniggley things come up that can ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.
Great advice GS! No need for me to say anything
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:12 PM
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Myzka Myzka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
As GroundedSpirit said, you will probably receive a few responses from people telling you to slow down. I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from. Who's to say how fast is too fast for 'you' and 'your family'? What I would say is...always proceed with caution. I am of the belief that we do not conduct our lives in the way others see fit or what others have adopted as normal processes. You conduct your life based on what works for your and your loved ones. That's why we are mature (hopefully), growing, individuals and if the current pace is comfortable for all parties involved...you should continue with that pace and, hopefully, the communication is vast, open, and clear enough where you guys have no problem discussing all things, small and large, along the way.

Discussing your future desires and throwing ideas around is beneficial so that everyone can start pondering if the desires are the same, etc. There's nothing wrong with being sure of yourself and what you want. It cuts out a lot of indecisiveness and fumbling through relationships. I'm sure things will grow and some desires will change along the way but the foundation is laid which is what is important.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, and you guys decided to move the third party in, you should approach it more like 'helping a friend in an unstable situation out' because she obviously is going to need a place to stay. You guys can discuss allowing her to stay currently while she continues to search for an affordable place. If the living situations flows naturally then you guys can all decide whether or not it is necessary for her to continue to browse for her own place at a later date. Sometimes, no matter how great people are together relationshipwise, they may not mesh together well when it comes to living together so that may turn out to be a growing process.

All relationships are trial and error but as long as everyone involved is interested in putting forth a great deal of effort to learn, compromise, grow, understand, and unite everything can work out.

Sorry for the length.
I like this post by eklctc...if the relationship is going to burn, well...it might have burnt anyways, even if you weren't living together (maybe at a later date)...who knows really. So, do what feels right.
And as you are asking for advice, my only caution would be is that she isn't dependent on the two of you for her living/survival. If she is independent (money-wise) from the two of you, I feel like it would even the dynamic of the relationship and things may run smoother.
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Old 10-27-2010, 06:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eklctc View Post
.......... I, however, am not one of those people. That is another traditional, conditioned mindset that people have to grow away from.
Well there, another approach.
All approaches are equal as long as one is willing to accept the consequences that come with the decision

But I do have to call out the stereotype of "traditional, conditioned mindset".....

If you are one who has actually had some experience in living together with groups of people - lovers or not - you soon learn it takes something special to make it work. Nothing about this is "traditional" but I will grant it IS conditioned ! Conditioned from experience. Having lived in groups numerous times - with lover and non-lovers - we've seen the risk in moving too fast. Great relationships soured - not completely - but damaged.
Once someone gets "in" it can be extremely difficult to get "out". Or to be the one pushing for the exit. Not fun.

And maybe some other's experiences have been different. Culture undoubtedly plays a large role in this. For example, I've seen large numbers of immigrants stuffed into a one bedroom apt and managing quite nicely. But that was a mode they were accustomed to living in all their lives, so to them is normal.

But for those who've been used to a bit more space, AND a bit more privacy, it can be a huge adjustment. One some people just can't make. You forgot to wipe up that ketchup spot - GET OUT ! I've seen it

Forewarned is forearmed. Nothing more

GS
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  #9  
Old 10-28-2010, 06:21 AM
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It sounds like you are really enjoying yourself ambleew. This stage of the game of your budding relationship can be very exciting and has made me feel that there are happy times ahead. That could be true, but I would suggest that you check out that feeling you are having. I wonder if it is telling you something about the pace you all have been going on.

I would suggest that you slow down and really let the moment be. There is no rush to move people in, raise kids and plan a future in any serious way I don't think. The not so great thing about NRE is that it doesn't last.

I have known quite a few relationships that have done a world wind of things all under the influence of NRE and then when that has settled wondered what the hell they had done and have to figure out how to change things so they will work rather than decide where to move forward at that point.

Most of the time, the relationships I have known of that do such things as move someone in, promise to raise their children and have given them money (not to say that you have done the things on that list that you haven't indicated, but this seems to be pretty close to the list that happens for a lot of people) have crashed and burned in disaster and the kids have suffered along with everyone else. Not fair for them at all to build connections and have them taken away suddenly.

Now this might not happen. But it is that "feeling" of which you speak that has me thinking...

Mono, NP and I have worked for 2 years to get to a place where we all feel safe and secure in our decision to live together. There is absolutely no doubt that we are ready to try it... we all have options if it doesn't work out. This was part of the process for us. None of us wanted to be left in the lurch if it doesn't work.

eklctc, the "traditional, conditioned mindset" of which you speak (also wondering where that came from and what experience you have that would make you suggest that it is a conditioned mindset) is actually more of a poly one in my experience. It seems to be a popular poly trait to rush into relationships with others... to me the rushing and the speed needs to come from my gut and heart through my mouth in the form of communication, not on the speed in which I develop my relationships. Just a thought... what evidence do you have that makes your statement true to you?
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  #10  
Old 10-28-2010, 12:06 PM
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I would suggest you consider slowing down, too. The way I see it, there is so much happening already, you don't need to have even more happening at the same time. It's easier to deal with when it's spread out.
Because it's a new relationship, a lot of things will need to be dealt with, and I feel it will be harder if you have other issues linked to living together that you'll have to deal with at the same time.

I don't think it's impossible for things to work out if you live together right away, but I do believe it makes things harder because you have so much more on your plate at once, and not everyone can deal with that easily, especially with poly when more people are involved.

So, try and pull yourself out of NRE for a second, and look at the situation, and consider slowing down. Ultimately, you know your situation better than everyone, but if you didn't have a doubt that it was the right thing to do, you wouldn't have asked for advice, now, would you?
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