Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-02-2015, 08:22 AM
justme22 justme22 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
Default Unplanned pregnancy in polyfi triad

I have been in a polyfi triad for a little over 6 months. I am dating two people who are married and have been together several years before I knew them. Our relationship is pretty good, but we are just at the point of running out of NRE. This week, I found out I am pregnant. We have taken things very, very slowly sexually, and I think that makes it even more surprising to me, even though of course I knew it was possible. I know they do not want children, but we never discussed unplanned pregnancy. I need to talk to them about it asap, as I know if I decide to terminate I will want to do it before 6 weeks, but I really have no idea the best way. Should I talk to him first, if I do will she feel like I am keeping it from her? Should I just tell them tomorrow over dinner? I am so lost right now, and I think my biggest fear is what it will do to our relationship. We have weathered a lot, but nothing like this. I don't know what kind of advice I am looking for really, just something.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-02-2015, 08:45 AM
tenK tenK is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 443
Default

I think in your shoes I would tell them both together. You're all in a relationship together, and this is a big piece of news. Maybe explain when you arrange to meet that you have something important to discuss so that they are at least a bit mentally prepared, but definitely tell them very quickly. You are all going to need as much time as possible to wrap your collective heads around this and come to a decision that feels right. Try not to be scared. Even though your relationship is fairly new, I'm sure you're not in the habit of dating unkind people, so I'm sure they will both be supportive.
__________________
People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-02-2015, 09:14 AM
portmanteau portmanteau is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 14
Default

I think you tell them both together.

However, I'm of the opinion that no matter what he thinks or she thinks, you need to be the one to make this decision.

So, no matter how this conversation goes, I suggest you take a day or two and journal, run, listen to music, drive, paint, sit in nature, or do whatever it is you do to clear your head and get in touch with what you really want. It may be different from what they want in one direction or the other, and involved though they are, this affects you the most and you need to make the decision that is right for you.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-02-2015, 01:51 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,879
Default

justme22,

What do you want hon? It's ok if you don't know. Do you want children at all? Do you want a child now? Can you raise a child alone if need be? (I really hope that is not the case if you want to keep the baby but something to think about.)

Do tell them together as others have suggested. And watch their reactions then, and their reactions later on. Those reactions - in the moment and after they have time to think about it - will tell you a lot about them and your relationship with each of them.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-02-2015, 05:56 PM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 680
Default

I agree that you should tell them together
__________________
Vince 53/het/m
Cat 51/bi/f in a relationship together 22 years, recently passed away
Sprite 43/bi/f friend, lover and play partner
Elle 41/het/f flaky FWB...was dating seriously
Mary 53/het/f mono lifelong friend
MK 55/het/f ex-wife, ex-play partner+
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-02-2015, 09:36 PM
Wrencher Wrencher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 41
Default

Definitely tell them both together.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-02-2015, 09:57 PM
Bluebird's Avatar
Bluebird Bluebird is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,907
Default

Tell them together.
__________________
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal

Me, center of a MFM V-shaped polycule (39F)
Wife to DarkKnight (40M) & PunkRockAwesomesauce (42M)
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-03-2015, 10:26 PM
JessicaBurde's Avatar
JessicaBurde JessicaBurde is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Northeast Pennsylvannia, USA
Posts: 93
Default

If you see yourself as being in a relationship with him, and she is his wife but not your girlfriend/partner/spouse, than speak with him and let him inform her.

If you see yourself as being in a relationship with both of them, then tell them both yourself. If you trust them not to gang up on you, tell them together. If you think they might try to team up and push for what they want before you've had a chance to work through your thoughts, tell them separately. If it is feasible/possible/reasonable tell them in person. If (for any reason, including your mental/emotional health) telling them in person is not a good idea, call them or send an email.


A few years ago I wrote a book on Polyamory and Pregnancy, including a section on handling unexpected pregnancy. It's up on Amazon, or send me a PM and I'll be happy to email you a copy.
__________________
Polyamory on Purpose -- Practical Advice for Poly Life
The Complete Guide to Polyamory and Pregnancy
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 10-04-2015, 05:19 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 826
Default

Sex resulting in pregnancy...how very unusual.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 10-04-2015, 07:03 PM
Wrencher Wrencher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 41
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Sex resulting in pregnancy...how very unusual.
Very helpful...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:55 AM.