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  #1  
Old 03-24-2016, 09:26 PM
paul8976 paul8976 is offline
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Default Abusive open relationship?

Hi everyone

If you could bear with me, I am new to polyamorous relationships and I hope I can receive some advice from this community. I am very confused and fairly hurt right now from the relationship that has just, kinda...ended.

I met this girl about 8 months ago while living abroad. We hit it off and had amazing chemistry both inside and outside the bedroom. But after about 3 weeks she sent me a letter telling me she was in an open relationship. I was completely blindsided by this, and felt she should have told me this right away. We had a long discussion about her open relationship and her boyfriend, and I tried to learn as much as I could.

She told me they lived together, had been dating for 3 years and had decided to open the relationship about 1 year ago. So far things has gone well for them, she had slept with some guys and he had only kissed a few girls but their relationship seemed better.

At this point we had developed feelings for one another, and she told me her bf was cool with everything, but he didn’t want to know about any details btw us. We continued to see each other every weekend and things were great at first, however I never met the bf. In fact one weekend she arrived at my place and told me that her and her bf were fighting about me. He thought she was spending too much time with me and neglecting him. She told me she said to him, “this is the way it is and if you don’t like it, maybe we should break up” before leaving for my place. I said that maybe we should talk about this, but she told me that things btw the two of them were still ok. Shortly after this, he left for home, leaving the two of us. We continued to become more and more intimate, while she assured me that the bf was ok with our relationship.

However, as our relationship progressed, she would often compare the two of us. If we had an argument, she would tell me that her bf wouldn’t have reacted this way and how easier he was to get along with. Or another example, how her bf was not nearly as romantic as I, and I was much more charming.

She compared us sexually as well, constantly reminding me how good the sex was btw us, and how her sex life with her bf was always mediocre and basically non-existent. They hardly ever kissed, sex was rare, and in the mere 3 months of dating she said she had kissed me more times than her bf of 3 years. She said she never had this level of intimacy with her bf or anyone else for that matter, and that was a big reason to open the relationship.

This is where red flags started going off.

Also, while sitting with her one day she explained how her bf had a couple crazy ex’s who had ‘broke him’ and THAT was why she was able to see me and have an open relationship. Because he was “essentially broken” (in her words) she told me she has also been able to get away with things with him and other men. She said that she loved him for his intelligence but had never ‘fell in love’ with him, like she said she had with me. I was slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable with this whole arrangement, and it wasn’t feeling genuine anymore.

About a month later she moved back with her bf and I was left still living abroad. This is where everything changed btw us. She became cold and distant almost overnight and it became clear that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. When she finally did talk to me, it was to tell me that her bf wanted to close their relationship and that her bf didn’t like how serious the relationship btw her and I got. I was the furthest she went with someone. While telling me this she also mentioned that she told her bf that sex with me was ‘a lot better’ and that she didn’t feel sexual toward him at all. She said that made him more upset.

We didn’t talk nearly as much but she did say that she still wanted to talk with me and that she would always love me. However, while traveling to another country I sent her a postcard (she loves them and wanted one from me while I was traveling). When she received it, she told me ‘it was ok’ and ‘recycled immediately’. I was so confused and so hurt that she would tell me that. She told me she enjoyed the card but I had to get over it and at this point ‘her bf’s feelings and protecting them are more important’. I was heartbroken

Needless to say I stopped talking to her for a while. When we did talk again, she mentioned that she had told her bf that she simply cannot do a closed relationship with him and it needs to be open. She was now dating again and looking for someone to have casual sex with. She had also mentioned that she had been going on dates, one was with a recovering heroin addict and she had had unprotected sex with him already, but he said he was clean. I tried messaging her shortly after and she totally blew me off, never responded to my question to catch up. She sent me a link to a random web page instead. However, only a couple weeks ago she was telling me how important I was to her and how much she missed me??


I have stopped talking to her altogether now, but I just have to say… what just happened? What was this? Was this an open relationship at all?

I’m so confused and looking back I feel as though I was mistreated, and my best interest was never considered.

Was I merely a convenience for her? She claimed to be polyamorous but she didn’t want anything to do with me after she left, besides filling me in on details about her sex life.

I also feel that her bf’s concerns were never really addressed as well and this wasn’t the definition of a healthy open relationship.

I had only been involved in monogamous relationships before, and wanted to experience polygamy because I feel I’m more hardwired this way, but this experience has left me feeling used and really upset.


Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
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  #2  
Old 03-24-2016, 10:02 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I think you know that this was a messed up scenario and that she didn't treat you (or seemingly her boyfriend either) very well at all.

What I liked about your story is that when red flags went up, you noticed them. And when things became really weird, you dialed back or walked away. You've got a solid 'spidey-sense' for when a relationship dynamic is off, and I'm sure this will steer you well through future relationships whether monogamous or not. In my experience, poly relationships can get twisted in different ways and can be more complex than mono relationships, but there's nothing inherently better or worse about open/closed models. Being some kind of "open" can feel more risky, but I reckon it's just differently risky.

I can imagine how hurtful this has been for you, especially as it sounds like you were sincerely trying to make sense of it all as a new non-monogamous experience, learning along the way and feeling strong intimacy at times.

I'm glad you saw the lumps for what they were and I hope you meet healthier people to relate to next time!
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  #3  
Old 03-25-2016, 01:49 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am so sorry you deal in this aftermath. I could be wrong, but she sounds histrionic to me. If you have never before brushed up against people like that, the first time can be a shocker.

You might still feel a bit shocked, but I want to validate that YES, this was a messed up situation and YES you are calling it right. You are not crazy or imaging things. She did treat you poorly.

Quote:
I have stopped talking to her altogether now, but I just have to say… what just happened? What was this? Was this an open relationship at all?
No. Not an ethical Open relationship. It was bait and switch. She led to you believe it was just you. Then after getting in your pants, she reveals she has a BF. She was not up front about it and she did not ask you if you wanted to participate in an Open relationship. She did not obtain your consent first. Basically, you got sucked in and used.

To me she sounds messed up. Into chaos manufacture. Keep way from her and let it be over. Don't give her opportunity to hurt you again.

Quote:
She had also mentioned that she had been going on dates, one was with a recovering heroin addict and she had had unprotected sex with him already, but he said he was clean.
If you have not already had your STD tests, go get them now. I hope you test clean. Who knows what other hijinks she was up to without disclosing. KEEP AWAY FROM HER. It is not your job to "fix" her or "rescue" her from her weird.

Quote:
I’m so confused and looking back I feel as though I was mistreated, and my best interest was never considered.
You are correct. You were mistreated. And she did not consider your best interests because it's all about her and what she gets.

Quote:
Was I merely a convenience for her? She claimed to be polyamorous but she didn’t want anything to do with me after she left, besides filling me in on details about her sex life.
Yes. You were a convenient supply source for her. You got used for "sex supply" and then she wanted to keep using you for "listen to me bash my bf audience supply." Basically you existed in her world to prop her up and if you were't giving her "supply" of some kind she had no use for you. Now she's calling back to try to make you be her "audience supply" again so you listen to her new drama.

Quote:
I also feel that her bf’s concerns were never really addressed as well and this wasn’t the definition of a healthy open relationship.
You are correct. She's using/abusing him also. None of it is healthy relating.

Quote:
I had only been involved in monogamous relationships before, and wanted to experience polygamy because I feel I’m more hardwired this way, but this experience has left me feeling used and really upset
I don't blame you for feeling upset that you were used. Feeling upset about this treatment is the natural, reasonable, healthy thing to feel. Nobody likes being treated badly. You deserve to be treated WELL.

Next time you find out someone is doing lies of omission and withholding critical information from you? Doesn't obtain your full consent first? Walk away much earlier. Don't keep going out with them.

While I am glad you eventually got away from this? I think you could have ended it here because she did lies of omission in leaving things out:

Quote:
I met this girl about 8 months ago while living abroad. We hit it off and had amazing chemistry both inside and outside the bedroom. But after about 3 weeks she sent me a letter telling me she was in an open relationship. I was completely blindsided by this, and felt she should have told me this right away.
You are right. She could have been honest from the start. You could have ended it 3 weeks in for lying to you. I know that you wanted to try poly, but pick healthy people to poly with. Every person that comes along to offer you "Open" or "Poly" is not necessarily a healthy person or ethical person.

Could learn to ASK if there's anyone else in the picture before getting sexual with people. They might still lie to you, but at then least you are asking. Take your time getting to know them and their character before sharing sex. Learn recognize "off" behavior and decide you want to have NO part of it.

This was not ethical polyamory or ethical non monogamy. This was just a big ol' mess where she's collecting people to use to fuel her ego trip.

Her running hot and cold is called push-pull. For whatever reason, it sounds like she's low on suppliers right now and she's sniffing around you again to get a new hit of supply. I suggest you ignore her. Don't be available, don't reply, just be a big ol' zero source of attention supply. No positive attention. No negative attention. Just no attention at all! I suspect she'll soon flit off to prey on someone else who is an easier target and she'll lose your number once she realizes there's just no more supply to be had with you.

You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated WELL. Keep away from her. You already know she does not treat people well.

Again, I am so sorry you had to experience this.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-25-2016 at 01:02 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-25-2016, 08:18 AM
Bella999 Bella999 is offline
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It's not easy to find three people who are going to be properly skilled at dealing with the complexities of polyamory. The ones that are would be a very small mili-fraction of the population. Given that, you would hope to find attraction, intellectual stimulation and chemistry as well. It's possible, but so are lottery winners.

I wish you the best.
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  #5  
Old 03-25-2016, 04:35 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I'm sorry you experienced this. It sounds awful, confusing and just icky.

There is something awry with her. Something not right. You know this. The particulars of what exactly is awry don't matter so much. (I generally don't find armchair/internet diagnosing people with this or that disorder to be all that helpful, although there are exceptions.)

Look, this is an unpleasant experience. However, there is an important silver lining to this. Once you've experienced someone like this, you will recognize similar patterns in others for the rest of your life. That recognition will allow you to avoid people who behave in this way. It's actually incredibly useful in preventing getting enmeshed with someone similar.

You did a fine job of recognizing something was off and separating yourself from it. Learn what you can from it and move on.

Sadly, claiming to be polyamorous (or any other label) doesn't automatically make one healthy or stable, or even just a decent person. I wish it did.
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  #6  
Old 03-26-2016, 02:11 AM
AJM AJM is offline
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I'm totally into my partners sharing the sexy details of their dates/encounters I'm definitely NOT into hearing them talk shit about or run down other people.

If they do it to them they're probably talking about you too.
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  #7  
Old 03-27-2016, 01:00 PM
paul8976 paul8976 is offline
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Thank you so much for all of the responses! I appreciate it immensely. I haven't had access to a computer for the last couple of days so reading these this morning is a nice surprise!

The last I spoke to her I had sent her a msg telling her how hurt I was for completely ignoring me over and over, while not considering my feelings at all, and to leave me alone. She sent a very disingenuous and strange apology "I'm sorry you're hurting, what do you want me to do to help you?", and I haven't responded to it. I haven't spoken to her for a few weeks now, and she hasn't reached out at all besides that, so I'm figuring she's already moved on and has a new guy now. It's hard to believe she could just dispose of me so easily, as though our time together was meaningless

While she was mentioning her several dates, I also remember her saying that the RECENTLY recovering heroin addict (only 8 months sober) was the "best one so far" so she was going to continue seeing him. Unfortunately she has a history of drug use (loves opiates, heroin once, went looking for meth while she was drunk) and feel that this could be a slippery slope for her. Also, I'm sure her bf WOULD NOT appreciate her sleeping with a recovering addict without protection.

Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I have been trying to make sense of it all and your advice has helped so so much! I am trying to heal, but it's going to take some time. It hurts when you've cared about someone so much but they don't seem to care about you at all.
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  #8  
Old 03-29-2016, 02:38 AM
SheBLittleButFierce SheBLittleButFierce is offline
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I'm so sorry that this bad relationship had to run over you, since it seems to be a runaway train rolling over a lot of people. Polyamory is in no way an excuse to avoid relationship problems or personal issues. Communication is a core pillar of all of it! I'm glad for you that you recognized the warming signs of an abusive and dishonest relationship. It took me years to learn that one!

I hope that you find better and also hope that in the end this very broken person only helped make you stronger and more likely to find happiness.

Don't want to be nosy, but I would get tested immediately since you can't trust her sexual encounters while she was with you. Please don't think I'm judging her for the ways she wants to be intimate...I just want to stress that unprotected sex, especially with high-risk partners is her choice...not your obligation.

I wish you happiness and recovery!

Last edited by SheBLittleButFierce; 03-29-2016 at 02:40 AM.
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Old 03-31-2016, 09:19 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi paul8976,

I just wanted to add my sympathies and affirmation to what's already been posted here. You called it right, this recently-ex was not a healthy person to be with, and not very honest. I think the last message she sent you was meant to draw you back in, so you'd be available in case she wanted to use you. The only right way to respond to that is to not respond at all. She was asking what you wanted her to do, when you had already just told her: "Please leave me alone." How many times would you have to repeat that? Once is enough.

I hope you won't give up on polyamory because of this bad experience, though I would respect your decision regardless. I know if I was in your shoes I would feel like saying, "Never again." I would just say that every relationship is a risk, whether poly or mono. Better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all, as the saying goes.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #10  
Old 03-31-2016, 10:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It does hurt when things like this happen.

I'm glad that you told her to leave you alone and didn't get sucked back in. You shouldn't have to KEEP telling her to leave you be. She could respect your limit. Once is plenty and then just don't answer her calls any more. Block the number if you have to.

I'm glad you are working on healing and focussing on yourself right now.

Best wishes,
Galagirl
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