Mono, new to poly, need a little help

First of all, I'd like to say hello. I'm new here, and to the poly scene, and really need some help with a problem.

I have been living with the same partner for almost 9 years (mono-mono). For many years, she has had a feeling that she was polyamorous. She did not reveal this to me until a couple months ago. She is bisexual, and expressed a need to have women relationships, which we agreed was OK years ago, as long as there were no male sex relationships happening. At the time, I told her that that if she needed sex with a man, that I was the one for the job. She completely agreed.

She recently came out and and said that she wanted man/woman relationships. We disagreed and we separated. If we didn't separate, she said she would do it anyway, regardless. I felt my boundaries had been crossed and was not agreeable to the male aspect.

We have since been seeing each other as if we'd never parted, except she lives on her own and has 2 "secondary" male partners. We are still very close.

She expressed to me that she wants me to remain her life partner, albeit as the "primary". She expressed to me that the whole "package" that I had to offer was better, and hands down wanted me to be her main squeeze. We want to work this out. I have only one hangup.

I have given the lifestyle much thought, and have basically accepted it as an alternative to a monogamous lifestyle. I'm not against adapting to this new style of love.

My issue, and what I have come forward to ask is: Has anyone out there been in a situation where you felt okay with your partner having other relationships with the same sex, but couldn't bear them having one with the opposite sex? I don't mean the love part, I mean the sex part.

It's not jealousy. It feels different. Almost a competitive feeling. The age-old question comes to mind. What does he have to offer that I don't? If she isn't totally happy with the sex she is receiving from these other people, why do it at all?

I'd very much like to get past this, so we can get on with our lives, hopes and dreams.

Thanks in advance,
Polyfx

Without going into great detail, my friend, I know exactly what you are feeling. You are not alone. I just want you to know that, and I totally agree with your reasons for separating initially. Now I will back away like a scared child. LOL

Based on your screenname, I can guess why.

Regardless of lifestyle, I am still a guy and am wired from the factory to be a certain way (on a different level than the lifestyle). After all, poly/mono/fluid/whatever are personal choices. This is more of a deep-rooted thing.

I'm ready to change everything else, but this is a really hard thing to do.

Can I be happy without the change and just moving ahead full speed? Probably not.

I love this person in an uncommon unconditional way and am willing to work on it, just the same.

Just to be clear, I have no issues with my Life Love having sex with her husband. I have 100 percent compersion for that. I also have very little issue with another intimate friend of hers, as he is a part of both their lives and cares for both of them legitimately. I am the "other" guy, essentially. I have issues with the idea of her having sex with another "new" guy. But that is a long story and will put me somewhere that is not beneficial or relevant to what I have. There are others on here that can give much better and more objective advice.

I understand where you are coming from. It took me awhile to settle it for myself. Basically, I found the idea of my wife/gf having sex with another woman hot and different enough that it did not feel like competition to me. But if she were with another guy, I would worry about the sorts of crap that society and culture teaches/preaches, like, the guy would try to steal her, or he would try to lay claim to her, or he would mock me for not being able to hold onto her. I know some guys who think along those lines.

The way I dealt with it was to realize that my wife/gf would not pick someone who would cause stress in our relationship. She would not choose a jerk who would try that macho crap.

I also really had to think about compersion, as opposed to the cuckold view. I realized I could be happy if she were happy with another guy, as long as he was making her happy.

What I think helps deal with some of this is to meet the other guys in a friendly social setting. It doesn't have to be a great bonding moment, but just enough to recognize each other as metamours. Maybe it can turn into a friendship. However, they will be real guys to you, that may not seem as threatening, because you will see the common everyday flaws we all have, instead of an idealized guy who sounds more threatening.

A couple of points/observations, for what it's worth. I think it's perhaps easier to deal with this issue when you are a little older (40s-50s) and more established in your primary love over many years, with a history behind you, more so than just starting out in your 20s from scratch in a new relationship.

My wife is lately having a very difficult time internally with our V, and she can't quite put her finger on it. We've tried talking it out, but have no concrete reasons/answers. She believes her hangup to be around having to "compete" with the other woman in our V from a sexual or love standpoint.

I have tried to reinforce to her numerous times that this is not a competition, merely different types of love, intimacy or sex that complement what she and I have always had. I thought we had this issue addressed, but recently it's reared its head again. I sincerely would not have an issue if my wife wanted to have a poly relationship and/or sex with another man, if that's what would bring her the level of happiness/fulfillment she craves in her life. I would be happy for her. I suppose if I sensed that the other man was trying to steal her away from me, I might be upset, but I would have to trust that was not the issue. That trust, I think, can only be derived from time in a lengthy, loving relationship.

I'm the wife in a similar scenario (though I'm not bi). We've been married 22 years. I'm craving the variety and "new relationship energy" that comes with sleeping with other men. I'm completely happy in my marriage and with our sex life, but I feel like I'm really missing out on something that I need. I don't think I'm truly polyamorous, but I am seeking sex that's more than a purely physical experience. There needs to be enough of a connection for me to feel safe and intimate. But I'm not seeking another love relationship. I'd say I'm looking for a "friend with benefits", to add a bit of spice and adventure and freedom to my otherwise-perfect life.

My husband is trying really hard not to perceive this as a rejection of him. I've tried for around five or six years now to make my feelings "go away," but they're not, and I really fear I'm going to resent him if it doesn't happen (though I'd never cheat).

For context, my husband has never had sex outside a relationship, which I think is a significant contributor to our disconnect; he can't even conceptualise why you'd want to have sex with somebody if you didn't have pre-existing romantic feelings towards them.

We are seeing a poly-friendly counsellor, but this is definitely the toughest challenge we've ever faced. Every other aspect of our marriage is awesome. Any advice you folks can offer is most welcome.

Hi aussiekate,

Sad to say I don't see what you can do to improve your situation. I'm assuming divorcing your husband is out of the question. Meanwhile, he doesn't want you to date other men, and I don't know what words you could say to him to make him change his mind.

You've tried for around five or six years now to make your feelings "go away;" maybe the next five or six years could be spent trying to convince him to accept your feelings. If five or six years sound like too many, just imagine what more might be like!

You could try a search on this site for OPP, I know we have more threads on that topic.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hi, Aussiekate. I haven't been active on this site since my divorce nearly 5 years ago.

I can very much appreciate where you're coming from. I can also appreciate where your husband is coming from and what he is feeling. Some people are just so locked in to the monogamy angle and the relationship. My ex-wife was one such person after 29 years of faithful marriage on both sides. Yet, when we first met, she was not that way. Very promiscuous, single men, married men, did not matter. I guess she had her fill at a young age, whereas I did not. Always studying, never partying, always planning for the future. Our paths obviously diverged. As someone said to me last year, "Your relationship just ran its course."

It's a shame we don't age the same, or experience the same, or need the same. In many ways I am happier now than I have ever been, and in others I wish the divorce had never happened. Ultimately, you need to decide if your fantasy is worth losing your marriage or your kids. For some it is and for others it isn't. It's your personal choice. There are no winners here. For any one who's spent 20+ years as a part of someone else's life, I don't think you can ever get over that, not unless you can collectively forget all the good that came from that.

Why is it I need to be 100% happy and 100% fulfilled? Why isn't 70, 80 or 90% enough? Why? In my case, I needed to experience and know the perfect lover, the lover I never had before I got married. Is that your need too?

kdt26417 said:

I'm assuming divorcing your husband is out of the question.

Click to expand...

Thanks, Kevin T. Certainly we're not there yet. We were moving towards opening the relationship and I was OK with the slow pace. I went on my first date (no sex) a couple of weeks ago, at which point my husband freaked out, and then I started to panic that it was never going to happen. I can wait some undefined, "but less than years" period longer while he works on his anxieties. But if he said it was absolutely never ever going to happen, then divorce would not be out of the question.

Mark1npt said:

Why is it I need to be 100% happy and 100% fulfilled? Why isn't 70, 80 or 90% enough? Why? In my case, I needed to experience and know the perfect lover, the lover I never had before I got married. Is that your need too?

Click to expand...

It feels like I'm missing out on fun experiences, and I'm going to really resent my husband continuing to impose a particular conception of marriage on me that prevents me from having that fun. And yes, I know it's what I signed up for, but I signed up for it when I was 23, and we've renegotiated nearly everything. I feel we signed up to growing together, and facilitating each other's growth and happiness with openness and integrity, rather than to a particular rigid set of rules or societal expectations.

Well, then, I take it your husband is at least working on his hang-ups. That's a good sign. Hopefully he can do it in a year or less.

kdt26417 said:

Well, then, I take it your husband is at least working on his hang-ups. That's a good sign. Hopefully he can do it in a year or less.

Click to expand...

He definitely is. He loves me a lot, and I love him. I don't have any doubt about that. But I'm hoping it won't take a year. I'm climbing the walls here.

Re:

"I'm climbing the walls here. "

Click to expand...

I don't blame you.

Aussiekate, it would be a beautiful life if we all aged the same, at the same time, in the same place in our relationships. But alas, we do not. There is nothing more nerve-wracking than a spouse who is not on the same page or moving at the same time. Been there, done that. IMO, many a marriage could be saved, the friendships that make up marriages could be saved, if an open or poly relationship could be engaged by both parties. If we focused on the love, the sharing and the friendship, instead of the "ownership" of a partner, the world would be a better place.

You feel that you are missing out? Well, maybe you are. I was. My current love is the lover of my dreams and then some, going strong as ever after 10-12 years, just like honeymooners. My ex is/was easily my best friend, the mother of my children and a woman I have the utmost respect for. We simply came to a crossroads she could not navigate. Oddly, she has remained as my office manager these last 5 years and in office we get along great. We just don't associate outside the office.

Just beware... the grass isn't always greener. I dated around a bit in between and the paucity of great lovers out there is astounding. You will probably find it is disappointing when compared to your great sex life at home (if it indeed still is).

Mark1npt said:

Aussiekate, it would be a beautiful life if we all aged the same, at the same time, in the same place in our relationships. But alas, we do not. There is nothing more nerve-wracking than a spouse who is not on the same page, or moving at the same time. Been there, done that. IMO, many a marriage could be saved, the friendships that make up marriages could be saved, if an open or poly relationship could be engaged by both parties. If we focused on the love, the sharing and the friendships instead of the "ownership" of a partner, the world would be a better place.

You feel that you are missing out? Well maybe you are. I was. My current love is the lover of my dreams and then some, going strong as ever after 10-12 years, just like honeymooners. My ex is/was easily my best friend, the mother of my children and a woman I have the utmost respect for. We simply came to a crossroads she could not navigate. Oddly, she has remained as my office manager these last 5 years and in office we get along great. We just don't associate outside the office.

Just beware... the grass isn't always greener. I dated around a bit in between, and the paucity of great lovers out there is astounding. You will probably find it is disappointing when compared to your great sex life at home (if it indeed still is).

Click to expand...

Thanks for your input. I'm a long way from having resigned myself from having to choose one or the other, and remain optimistic that it won't come to that.

aussiekate said:

I'm the wife in a similar scenario (though I'm not bi). We've been married 22 years and I'm craving the variety and "new relationship energy" that comes with sleeping with other men. I'm completely happy in my marriage and with our sex life, but I feel like I'm really missing out on something that I need. I don't think I'm truly polyamorous, but I am seeking sex that's more than a purely physical experience. There needs to be enough of a connection for me to feel safe and intimate, but I'm not seeking another love relationship. I'd say I'm looking for a "friend with benefits", to add a bit of spice and adventure and freedom to my otherwise-perfect life.

My husband is trying really hard not to perceive this as a rejection of him. I've tried for around five or six years now to make my feelings "go away," but they're not, and I really fear I'm going to resent him if it doesn't happen (though I'd never cheat).

We are seeing a poly-friendly counsellor, but this is definitely the toughest challenge we've ever faced, and every other aspect of our marriage is awesome. Any advice you folks can offer is most welcome.

Click to expand...

I would suggest you and your husband spend some time reading old threads on the forum, because I think there might be a few things you've overlooked.

1) More than a few people have started out with the intention not to fall in love and had to face the issues that it caused after it happened.

2) The perfect, happy, awesome marriage (however you choose to describe it) will be over, done. Chances are there will be a period of mourning. If this hasn't happened yet, it something to be aware of. Bottom line, this will be a change. How big or small depends on the players and how it fits into the old routines.

3) You say you think you're going to resent him if it doesn't happen. Have we thought about the shoe being on the other foot?

4) Intellectual, this looks good on paper. "I think I'm ok with this (poly) agreement" from your husband, only for him to find out 6 months to a year later he can't take it...can't do it. You're in full-on dating bliss. The genie wont go back in the bottle. Then there will be threads on how to live as roommates, etc.

It sounds like your husband is working on coming to terms with this new dynamic. How long has his educational program, the reading and poly therapist, been going on?

You said you've struggled for 5-6 yrs. What did you do specifically to try to overcome such feelings? Did you try any therapy, solo or as a couple?

dingedheart said:

more than a few people have started out with the intention not to fall in love and had to face the issues that it caused after it happened

Click to expand...

I can't preclude the possibility. The heart cannot be controlled. We've developed some ground rules to try to minimise the possibility. E.g., I'd pick potential partners who are at dramatically different life stages (guys in their 20s living very single lives, who are into older women, but commitment-phobic), with whom I have enough connection to feel safe having sex with, but who I don't feel would ever make a compatible life partner. Is it foolproof? No. But it's something we've thought about.

dingedheart said:

The perfect, happy, awesome marriage will be over. Chances are there will be a period of mourning. If this hasn't happened yet, it's something to be aware of. Bottom line this will be a change. How big or small depends on the players and how it fits into the old routines.

Click to expand...

We have both made a commitment that the survival of this marriage is our highest priority. I'm not sure what else we can do. I'm confident we love and respect each other very much, and we really do want to make each other happy.

dingedheart said:

You think youre going to resent him if it doesn't happen. Have we thought about the shoe being on the other foot?

Click to expand...

Of course! We talk about it endlessly!

dingedheart said:

Looks good on paper. "I think I'm ok with this (poly) agreement" from your husband, only to find out 6 month to a year later he cant take it. You're in full-on dating bliss. The genie wont go back in the bottle. Then there will be threads how to live as roommates.

Click to expand...

We plan to take it very slowly, and only progress as he's sure that it's sustainable. But you're right, life doesn't come with guarantees. It's not a risk-free journey. None of us is getting out alive!

dingedheart said:

It sounds like your husband is working on coming to terms with this new dynamic. How long has the reading and poly therapist been going on? What did you do specifically to try to overcome such feelings? Did you try any therapy, solo or as a couple?

Click to expand...

I've tried a lot of cybersex and chat to see if that filled my need. For a few years, it was enough. For the past few years, I've been telling him it's not, and that I needed real interaction.

I've been in counselling the whole time.

We recently (about a month ago) started poly-friendly couples counselling, and he's about to start individual counselling. So we do have a way to go on this journey together.

I confess that I'm resistant to the suggestion that my feelings are "wrong," and thus need to be overcome. I don't consider them as unhealthy. But as acting on them would, based on my husband's present state of mind, be hurtful to him. I am going to talk to my counsellor about whether this is a useful and/or achievable goal to have.

You said you're not seeking another love relationship. Most poly people are the opposite. I'd say you're somewhere between swinging and poly. May I ask why? Is this something you want because you're afraid of what might happen? Or is this something your husband wants and will help him with his transition? To many, it looks like you're leaving half the chips on the table.

I do like you plan on the younger guys.

Has he gone through the mourning phase yet? That's a touchy phase. I'd tread very lightly during that time.

Have you asked the therapist what the success rate of the mono-poly transition is? Around here it seems rather small. Seems like a high percentage of poly-bombed flat-out don't make it. There also seems to be a trend of cheaters using poly as cover or soft transition. So of the survivors, there seems to be a percentage who think they don't have options, and/or put up with it until the kids are gone. The cuckolds love it. And then there's the small remainder of monos who are happy with poly partners. That being said, there are several people here who've done it, so it might be a tall mountain, but not impossible one to climb.

Personally, I think it's easier to understand if you're doing it yourself. You can't really explain how to ride a motorcycle or what it feels like, or going a 180 in a race car. You have to do it. In my case, I learned this after the fact. Anyway, that's my suggestion.

You might want to gingerly suggest he date. In fact, I'd suggest a gymnast. I remember in college dating this gymnast. She had a grip that was like a handshake. Gosh, I wonder what she's doing now. Anyway, ginger on dating... nudge toward a gymnast or something similar.

Progressing at the speed of sustainability. Here's where I think things are going to get tangled. Emotions run hot and cold. How much stress he feels in everyday life, etc. Then there's the pressure he feels he's under to give the green light. If he's a people-pleaser type, he won't want to let you down, or let the marriage down (more pressure). If he's a rip the band-aid off guy, fuck it, let's get this over with... Or rather fuck "him," you might as well get this over with.

I might be the odd man out here, but I'd say I didn't feel the full effects for a month to 6 weeks in.

Is there a mismatch in libidos?

How did your husband handle the cybersex experience? How long did it take him to get used to it, embrace it?

You said you tried for 5 yrs to make those feeling go away. I restated, using the word overcome. I wasn't suggesting your feelings were wrong. I took as something you were trying to get rid of.

dingedheart said:

You said you're not seeking another love relationship. Most poly people are the opposite. I'd say you're somewhere between swinging and poly. May I ask why? Is it this something you want because you're afraid of what might happen? Or is this something your husband wants and will help him with his transition?

Click to expand...

It's just what I want. I don't feel that I neatly fill into either the poly or swinger box, or that I should have to; I am somewhere in-between. I only want a committed, loving relationship with my husband. I want a respectful, affectionate, romantic, sexual relationship with one or more other men, that will always be secondary to my relationship with my husband (with men who are completely happy to be in this position). I don't believe that I'm compromising what I really want - to be fully poly - out of deference to my husband's feelings; I think given absolute freedom of any consideration for his feelings, it's what I'd choose.

dingedheart said:

Has he gone through the mourning phase yet? That's a touchy phase. I'd tread very lightly during that time.

Click to expand...

That's exactly where he is, and bless him, he's moving relatively quickly, and with a determination that he can get through it, and that it will ultimately be OK, and that we will find a new normal.

dingedheart said:

Have you asked the therapist what the success rate of the mono-poly transition is?

Click to expand...

No, because it really doesn't seem relevant. Our marriage will either survive or it won't. If we find out that we're unlikely to survive, how does knowing that help us? Not going on this journey isn't an option; the only option is to go through it the very best way that we can, with the best advice and the most compassion, love, patience and generosity that we can.

Just to play devil's advocate here... I feel it important to ask what happens if he comes to the determination that he simply cannot go through with it, period? Is this something you're truly willing to accept and forgo, or is it something that you're determined on pursuing, with or without him?

The reason I ask is because initially, you seemed as though keeping your marriage intact was most important. Yet, most recently, you state that "not going on this journey isn't an option."

Speaking as a mono, who has his own set of complications, having had the poly bomb dropped on me, try as we might, there are those of us who can never agree to going on such a "journey." Granted, I take much more of a hardline stance than perhaps most. But suppose your husband ends up realizing that he can never accept it happening?