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  #11  
Old 10-25-2010, 01:15 PM
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I just told them not to even e-mail me...that I'd just talk to them when they get back. I'm so frustrated and feel so removed even though I know this trip is going to help him when we move back...I don't know why I'm reacting so badly to this...
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  #12  
Old 11-01-2010, 07:55 AM
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I’m in the middle of another panic attack…so B&H are still gone. Communication’s been a little bit better since B hasn’t been working/networking as much the last week. But here’s the issue now…me and J. J and I met each other about 6 years back when we both lived in Vegas. We were casual friends then…never really did much hanging out on our own. He was always pursuing some other girl…our friend K or the girls at UNLV. I left Vegas in 2008 to move here and J went to a series of other cities for training. But we work in a small (ok it’s big, but contained) business, and J moved here in March. Here is hard for single-types…it’s very family-friendly, which is awesome for families because it is expensive to travel here. But makes it tough on us…there’s very few of us singlish types around here. Most everyone’s married off and we’re at the point where a lot of our friends are starting their families. So J and I stick together a lot. We’ve hung out here or there since he’s been here…he was in Korea for a couple of months and then we both took back-to-back trips home so didn’t see each other much til lately, and usually then only about once a week. I’m usually his “date” to any of his work functions since he’s the only single guy. The wives would always ask when we were gonna hook up, and I’d always blow it off because we’d only ever been friends…just now I was more of a crutch because I was a familiar face in a new place. Last week, we went out and ended up at my place afterwards. Nothing happened…we snuggled, he even slept in his jeans. I didn’t think anything of it. Another typical week went by. He asked me if I wanted to go to a costume party with him, and of course I did…I love Halloween! We hung out on Friday night…went bowling with our friend R and then went back to J’s house. R ended up leaving pretty quickly because he was exhausted…last week was killer on all of us. I stayed for awhile to chat with J, which is kinda what killed me…he told me how unhappy he was in this job and how he wishes he could quit, but he’s obligated to stay for 5 more years. He feels jaded…he spent his whole life to get to where he is and it wasn’t (and isn’t) all it was cracked up to be. Sounded way too familiar…almost exactly what I’ve been going through lately. I managed to tear myself away (he texted later to say that his favorite shirt smelled like my hair…super cute) that night, but that brings us to Saturday. I went to a going away and then J picked me up (the going away was at a brewery). I was drunk already…not unreasonably so but still…so when he took me home to change, I ended up kissing him in my shoe room. He kinda laughed, told me to go get dressed. We went to the party, which was alright but kinda tame already…but ended up playin Rock Band well into the night (REALLY hard for me to do drunk, just BTW). At about 2:30, we called it a night and he drove me home. We had the awkward “talk to you later” moment and I went inside. I got ready for bed and pulled my laptop out to see if I could catch B&H…and J Skyped me. I couldn’t resist…I’d been really surprised when I went home because I had the option of fooling around but didn’t take it…didn’t want to because I was so happy with the way things were going with them. Now seems to be different, and I’m not entirely sure why. I couldn’t resist telling him that yes I would like company in bed…and when he got there it was game over. I’m not even sure why all the sudden I’m attracted to him after years of not!!! But I remembered how much I love getting to make out (something that’s fairly rare with B&H…I really only get kisses hello and goodbye and make outs are usually H and I while we’re all fooling around…and B only makes out with me in stolen moments, when H goes to pick something up or walks outta the room…I think that’s still an issue for her) and something that is sooooo so very essential for turning me on! And I remembered how much I really like a twosome more than a threesome. Three definitely has it moments…but I seem to like the intimacy of two better. We’d start, then stop, then start again…he left around 11 on Sunday to go workout and study, and came back to me around 6…and yeah, we did it again and it was crazy hot…on the couch! So now, I’ve got all this NRE goin for him, but I can’t sustain it…I shouldn’t have done anything with him because of B&H, who come back in a week. So I feel awful at the same time. B&H say they’re in love and don’t want me to be with anyone else. B is pushing for me to commit before I move in a month. Also, I never really wanted to date J because he’s a good Catholic boy who just wants to go back to Wisconsin and own a bar and have babies. Neither Wisconsin nor babies are in my future. But he’s sweet and nerdy (in a fun way) and would be really good to me if I let it happen. B&H definitely get my latent rebellion and encourage that in me…but B is very all or nothing and would alternate between crushed and really mean if he found out how I’m feeling about J. He is not traditionally sweet and life tends to be about his career right now. H caters to him and is almost submissive in that respect. She is my romance, she does the sweet things in our relationship, even though right now I’m not as into her as she is into me. H would not be happy about me and J but would be more forgiving…she “gets” me really well and understands my issues. I can’t even begin to tell J about B&H. So I don’t know what direction to go in right now. I’m really kinda disappointed in myself. Regardless, I want to spend time with J, which would be fine minus the way I’m feeling about him right now. I feel guilty and confused and pressured and in total lust for J and in total wish-I-was-in-love with B&H all at the same time. I love doing what feels right but I get scared about really committing to anything, much less a really alternative way to live and love…it would be easier to find a guy to be with (I would say marry, but I don’t know that I’ll ever actually marry someone)…I could easily see myself doing either but there’s no happy middle ground for me right now…this is like my own personal hell…or version of Twilight. I can imagine my life just as easily either way...the good "normal" way or with B&H doin our own thing. B just wrote “We are in love with you and want to see this through. You have to get out of your own way. Fall and I will catch you baby I promise.” How do I reconcile that, which totally made me swoon, with what I’m feeling for J right now? Especially when I already know that me having a boyfriend outside our triad would not fly…and WTF is my problem??? Why must I make life so difficult?
Luckily we’re about to go into overdrive at work …our typically long days will get even longer and this weekend will be victim to work. J’s job is much more involved than mine and I probably won’t see him much since he’s gotta get into all his routines. That doesn’t stop me from craving him though.
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  #13  
Old 11-03-2010, 06:15 AM
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Still nowhere. Tryin to soul search and see what I really want. Mom thinks I shouldn't be seeing anyone til after I go to Korea (which was totally my intent but not what ended up happening). The only thing I've come up with is that I've decided I'm about 75% straight, the other 25% is a lesbian. But when it comes down to it I'm probably gonna seek out guys for relationships. H just kinda fell in my lap, so to speak. I've been trying to come to the same conclusion about how poly I am vs. mono, but haven't come to any conclusions yet. I can't tell if it's my gut or NRE that's yanking me in one definite direction. But I've tried leaving this relationship for the same reasons before and it's never stuck...but how do you turn your back on people you love but aren't in love with?
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  #14  
Old 11-03-2010, 10:41 PM
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Unhappy

J and I talked last night...basically we decided we can't happen and to hit the brakes. I'm heartbroken...I realized how hard & fast I fell for him and that had I realized how much I felt for him earlier, we could probably make this happen. But Korea is part of the problem...he wouldn't be able to visit me there unless he came over for work. And we're both defeatists. What made me really sad is that had I realized what I felt back in September, maybe I wouldn't be with B&H now. How f'd is that? It doesn't really change how I feel about them...H posted a bunch of pictures on facebook yesterday and I was floored to see their faces...but realizing how sad I am about J does change it some and I really don't know what to do with that yet. I feel like I need J in some form, but not necessarily B&H. I'm an emotional trainwreck...and I need to get ready for work. Blah.
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  #15  
Old 11-04-2010, 02:02 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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many ({})s. I describe your orientation (just for labels sake) as 'bi leaning straight' - same orientation as my own. I enjoy women and have had some women that I could see myself being with long term (but not one-on-one) but those have always fucked up severely, lessening the desire to actually try to build something serious with women on any level. Same situation I am in now actually.

I don't know...I'm somewhat concerned about B's 'all or nothing' approach. I mean, he can't give you all so he shouldn't hold you to that standard. If that is something you can and want to do, of your own volition, that's something differently entirely.

You stated in your post that you were 'totally in lust with J right now' so ... I think you are complicating your own situation. You are in 'lust' with J...period...be upfront about that. You enjoy him, you two are good friends, and you fucked. Doesn't mean you don't care for him (you cared for him before this point) but it also doesn't mean that you have to start thinking of a life with him either. I think your biggest dilemma is deciding if you are going to continue the sex with J and, if so, how are you going to go about being honest about the situation and your desires with all of your partners?
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  #16  
Old 11-05-2010, 01:05 PM
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Thank you ekl. I like the label! I was bi-curious for a long time and I think I can officially say I'm a step above that now, but not full-on bi.
Yeah I agree with you...B, as much as I love him, is hard to deal with. He's very bratty and things tend to revolve around him, and yes, I think he holds double standards sometimes. He's flat out told me that part of the reason he and H are still together is because he doesn't have the heart to go through a divorce, and I told him that's fine, as long as they're stable enough and I'm not the glue holding the whole thing together. I really want to commit to the triad, but this week the idea has been just eating me alive. I can't do it if I'm not in love right now. Not spending a year apart right off the bat. I told them that today...that sucks too, because they come back in a few days and I won't see them...ugh. B, for the first time, tried telling me I just haven't had time to fall in love and to stay with them. But H pointed out that she didn't want to convince me to stay, and she's right and I told her she shouldn't have to. I should be thrilled to be a part of this, and that only happens about half the time. I didn't tell them about J...I know that's shady and I hate myself for it. I came into this type of relationship hoping to get rid of the sneaky-ness.
Oh I'm totally complicating the situation!!! I know this. It's what I do; even when I really, really don't want to, I complicate things. The problem with me lately is I really just don't sleep with people I don't have feelings for, and if I do fuck you, it's gonna intensify them. This is why I just shouldn't have sex with someone til I'm sure about them, but my sex drive HATES that idea. J and I did have sex on hold...for a day...and damn if I didn't wake up to him all over me last night...so I don't know what's goin on there right this moment.
So...the bottom line is...I don't know. None of this has gone the way it should have. I'm kinda without any of my partners now, and that's my fault. I'm at a loss of how I could've been more honest without B totally freaking out. Arrrgh, so disappointed in me, and I know I'm going to miss B&H...but I can also go out in public with J...I'm ranting, don't mind me...
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  #17  
Old 11-05-2010, 10:42 PM
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Woke up feeling blah and very unloved (which isn't at all true, but still). I can't seem to be happy either way about B&H. He just e-mailed and said he would send H over to drop off presents for me so I could be done...just stab me in the heart why dontcha. Ugh. What's my happy medium here??? Why can't I find it?
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  #18  
Old 11-06-2010, 12:56 AM
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Hi Pancake

Just a quick drop in to say hang in there - and a nudge... SKYPE.... I have been in a LDR for nearly 2 years now (Australia/Canada) the time difference is about 16 hours and damn does it ever blow... Skype and more Skype - at least that way you will get to see them.. figure out your common awake times - for example my parnter and I will attempt to have meals at the same time via our laptops - Me having breakfast or lunch and him eating dinner.. weird but it works kinda :P
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  #19  
Old 11-06-2010, 01:25 AM
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Thanks FlameKat. We all have Skype, it's just been rough because they've been traveling so much. I talked to H once on it. Once I'm in Korea, I know it wouldn't be so bad...just things are blowing up right now. B is upset and asking if I've been with someone else...
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  #20  
Old 11-06-2010, 12:33 PM
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Happy thoughts to you and big hugs...

All I can offer is... honesty, blunt, brutal honesty, especially with the way B sounds. TBH he sounds a little like my ex and is someone who would have me running the other way with rockets attached to my shoes - but that is me and I have issues

Either way the best you can do for yourself and everyone else is be honest. Then understanding of any fall out, then hold that chin high and know that whatever the outcome YOU did the best you could in the situation, and if that wasn't enough then it wasn't meant to be...

Not much solace I know, but then - it sounds like a bit of a pickle you're in
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