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  #1  
Old 02-11-2013, 07:05 PM
Lotsoflove Lotsoflove is offline
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Default Advanced ;), but would love some feedback

Hi you all sweet strangers reading this....

I'm polyamorous for 3-4 years now, and it hasn't always been simple, but it was always enfolding quite fast.

My priority has always been not to hurt anyone. And to be honest with everyone. Which truly worked. But now it doesn't anymore. It is stagnating with my 2nd lover.

My 1st lover is amazing. Except he is not into the amount of hugging/cuddling/holding hands romantic kind of stuff as i am. But he is totally ok that i have that kind of connection with someone else. Even if it gets 'all the way". I so love him for loving me so much that i can totally feel free to be who i am.

It is easy and clear with my 1st lover. It is my 2nd lover that is causing me mental confusion for months.... I've met him 3 years ago. It was clear he was the sensitive kind of person, but he always kept a distance. Untill I stept over the distance and said what i felt. He admitted i felt it right, and that he was keeping that distance by not touching me at all (not even when normal friends would) because he was afraid he would feel to much love for me, and he did not want to break my relationship with my 1st lover. (Which was a good friend/college at that time). Long story short. We shared much magic and many loving moments. Untill my 1st lover and i moved away.

My 2nd lover fell in love with another girl. I was totally open for him to fall in love with someone else, and i still am. He used to say: if i fall in love with someone else, she has to find a way to deal with what we have.

And that was the problem. She didn't. She is very insecure and i gave them time. I gave them 1,5 year (because he went away to a foreign country for months and had a very busy time working). But it felt wrong. It felt very wrong for me to love someone so much and not even talk about anything anymore, without properly breaking up.

So i send him a letter explaining how i felt. And now here we are again. He came by to visit me, it was nice, we kissed and all of the magic was back.
But as far as i know, he hasn't told his girlfriend about the kissing. All he told me later is that she is not ok with someone (he kept the conversation general) kissing someone else.

For me what we feel for each other is much deeper than just kissing. So we met a few times without the kissing stuff, but that even made our connection feel more close. Is was our secret that we love each other, so much we even do not need to kisss.

And this feels wrong. I do not want to cross any line. Not the one from his new girlfriend who doesn't want him to be close with someone else. If i can't kiss him, feeling more for each other means we cross the line too.

And i've just recently said, that i can't. I can't see him, and feel that i'm cheating on his girlfriend. But i love him, and he loves me, and they love each other. And it hurts like hell to know what we feel and not be able to express it.

All i want is for him to say clearly what he wants with this situation, but he is the more sensitive kind of guy, so he wants to make everyone happy. Which is probably not possible in this situation, so he needs his time. And i can't wait. I've opened my heart again and it hurts to be 'on hold'. To wait for a solution.

It hurts so much i can't see things clearly, so i hope you can reflect some words of wisdom back to mee.

Thanks for being there anyway,
and a hug for everyone who wants one
(as i have a lot spare ones left unwanted know..)

Lotsoflove
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  #2  
Old 02-12-2013, 04:21 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I'm very sorry you're going through this. It strikes a nerve with me, because I had something similar happen in the past and am fearful of something like it happening in the future. So I have nothing but sympathy for you when I say-

I think you already know what you need to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lotsoflove View Post
if i fall in love with someone else, she has to find a way to deal with what we have.

And that was the problem. She didn't. She is very insecure and i gave them time. I gave them 1,5 year (because he went away to a foreign country for months and had a very busy time working). But it felt wrong. It felt very wrong for me to love someone so much and not even talk about anything anymore, without properly breaking up.
So, even from early on, you knew it felt wrong.

Quote:
But as far as i know, he hasn't told his girlfriend about the kissing. All he told me later is that she is not ok with someone (he kept the conversation general) kissing someone else.
He did something that was not part of his agreement with his gf and has, as far as you know, not told her the truth about it.
Quote:
And this feels wrong. I do not want to cross any line. Not the one from his new girlfriend who doesn't want him to be close with someone else. If i can't kiss him, feeling more for each other means we cross the line too.

And i've just recently said, that i can't. I can't see him, and feel that i'm cheating on his girlfriend.
Good for you for keeping to your personal boundaries. I know it's not easy when there's something we really want.
Quote:
And it hurts like hell to know what we feel and not be able to express it.
Yes, it does.

Quote:
All i want is for him to say clearly what he wants with this situation, but he is the more sensitive kind of guy, so he wants to make everyone happy. Which is probably not possible in this situation, so he needs his time. And i can't wait. I've opened my heart again and it hurts to be 'on hold'. To wait for a solution.
It seems like what he WANTS, a relationship with both of you, is not something he can ethically have. He has already chosen to stay with her for all this time, even though he said long ago that he wouldn't be with someone who wasn't okay with your place in his life. So while he may not have said it in words, he HAS said it in actions. Waiting isn't fair to you and is unlikely to do any good at this point anyway. I'm sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear.

Quote:
It hurts so much i can't see things clearly, so i hope you can reflect some words of wisdom back to mee.

Thanks for being there anyway,
and a hug for everyone who wants one
(as i have a lot spare ones left unwanted know..)

Lotsoflove
Actually, I'm rather impressed with how clearly you HAVE seen. A LOT of people get caught up in the excitement of a secret relationship and don't see how bad it is for all involved. Or they don't have enough strength to say, "No, I'm not going to do this because it's dishonest." So give yourself some credit. And then take a deep breath and start moving on, because waiting isn't going to do you any good.

Again, probably not what you wanted to hear. I hope you're able to stay strong and keep telling him "No" if he tries to convince you. I wish you luck.

*hug*
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  #3  
Old 02-12-2013, 05:18 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Weird limbo spaces is just... weird and uncomfortable. I'm sorry you are feeling that. You could decide to try to get yourself out of limbo land. Have the conversation.

Quote:
All i want is for him to say clearly what he wants with this situation, but he is the more sensitive kind of guy, so he wants to make everyone happy. Which is probably not possible in this situation, so he needs his time. And i can't wait. I've opened my heart again and it hurts to be 'on hold'. To wait for a solution.
I would put it as you want to KNOW. You are hitting your own limit of comfort there. And if you want to know, you have to ASK.

Have you said that want directly to him? In a clearer fashion? Rather than waiting for him to have the talk with you... you could take the bull by the horns and have the talk with him. Maybe something like...

"Hey, remember when you used to say: 'if i fall in love with someone else, she has to find a way to deal with what we have.'

Your currrent GF is not seeming like she is dealing with what we have. I am not feeling comfortable kissing and expressing love for you, and dating you knowing this. So could you please talk to me? I need to know...

Have your wants, needs, and limits changed for our relationship? Do you no longer want to be in relationship with me romantically? Please tell me so I know where we currently stand. Then I can adjust my behavior so it is in the "friend bucket" and not the "girlfriend bucket" if that is where we are at right now.

I love you. But I do not want us to be all "cheaty feeling." This causes me pain and discomfort. I want to be able to date you knowing that it isn't cheating on your Other.

Let us clarify WHAT we share here at this time -- friendship? Or friendship and romance? Then choose to behave in ways that reflect where we DO stand at this time. Not where we wish we stood or where we used to stand. But what things actually ARE now in this relationship"


Could let him deal with his other relationship, but tend to the one YOU have with him and get it clear.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-12-2013 at 05:24 AM.
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  #4  
Old 02-18-2013, 10:49 PM
Lotsoflove Lotsoflove is offline
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It's over...

Thanks both of you for replying and being honest.

@Galagirl, i was only waiting for a reply from him on a similar message that i have sended to him before.

@ThatGirlinGray, thanks for preparing me for the ugly truth. No it wasn't what i wanted to hear, but in every other way it was. It was/is the truth, and even though a terrible one, it was the one i was avoiding. So 1000 times thanks for being honest and gentle enough to tell me. You've really helped me.

Today i decided it was enough waiting (after two weeks of only his reaction being: i need more time, it is to complicated). I knew his actions were clear, but in his mind it wasn't. And i wanted to hear him say it as well.

I called him. And after he went into 'complaining about how difficult the situation was for him, i asked him if he wanted me to be nice, or honest.

He chose honest. And i told him in an almost polite way, that he was a coward. For not standing up for any decision. For not taking responsibility to choose, for lying to his girlfriend. And somewhere in the conversation i said something that made everythingg clear for him.

That he just had to put all of his other love aside, and be there for her. That felt right... For him.

For me it is 'mindblowing'. How he can lie to his girlfriend (someone i still feel is someone you can trust with anything, also if you feel you love someone else, so at least you can decide together what to do with it). But he chooses to keep lying even more. To also deny part of himself, for the sake of the relationship.

And that leaves me.. heartbroken...
The frist guy who loved me for 2,5 years (only my boyfriend loves me longer), and has accepted every part of me, including i had someone else... And now he dumps me for someone else.... And i'm the first one he dumps in his life.

Anyway, for me it still feels like the biggest lie in the world. That i've loved someone, so honest, so sweet, and so wonderfull, who now chooses a girl that he has to lie to. What a strange world this planet is. Damnit.

Anyway, thanks for all of you out there, who do understand love.

Lotsoflove
and a lot of tears at the moment...
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  #5  
Old 02-22-2013, 12:36 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I'm so sorry. Hugs!

Your story resonates ith me because like TGiG, I am fearful of something like this happening to me in the future.

I think you did what was best, and right, for YOU... the only thing you have control over.

But it hurts, and it will hurt for a while. Hang in there! And you can always come on here and rant, vent, whatever... Sometimes it helps!
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the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #6  
Old 02-22-2013, 04:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are hurting.

I am glad you KNOW now where you stand and have ended the "weird limbo land" suffering part of it.

Now there is break up suffering to endure through and complete. It is not fun. But that too has an end point.

Give yourself the TLC you need in self care. Feel what there is to feel, and let it blow on through.

hugs,
GG
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  #7  
Old 02-28-2013, 10:17 AM
Lotsoflove Lotsoflove is offline
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Would love to vent some feelings, that keep coming up....

First: i'm still in complete "overwhelmed" mode. I just still can't believe that someone who i've loved deeply for so long (2,5 years is long for me, being 29), can be so blunt to just deny everything we had...

Second: i can't imagine that someone just assumes his girlfriend doesn't want him to be honest. He decides for her, that he wants to keep it a secret how he feels for other woman... He had a hypothetical "what do you think of kissing others" converstation, but in a hypothetical converstation, almost everyone who is not already poly would say: no of course i want you to only kiss me.
But what if he was brave enough to lounge a hypothetical conversation like: what if someone lies to his girlfriend, would you still love him? Would you still trust him, if he keeps secrets...

Oh my god... i just love him to much to let him go, and to let him be so dishonest to the one he loves. I'm having a lot of thougts about not letting him get away so easy... To ask him over for a face to face talk about lying, letting people down etc. But as for now i'm not yet sure if that is appropriate, and if not, if i'm still willing to not give up without a fight.

The strange thing is that i have had thoughts about letting him go before, but that would have been from a place of love. Not a place of dishonesty and betrayal.

What do you guys/ladies think.

Can i ask him to at least have a converstation about this? How it makes me feel? I just can't let him slip away so easy. I still love him so much that i could forgive him his fault of lying, if he just stops with it. I can't stand him lying, not even to someone i do not know...

Help.

Lotsoflove
and lots of confusion
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  #8  
Old 02-28-2013, 03:13 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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[QUOTE=Lotsoflove;187461]Can i ask him to at least have a converstation about this? How it makes me feel? I just can't let him slip away so easy. I still love him so much that i could forgive him his fault of lying, if he just stops with it. I can't stand him lying, not even to someone i do not know.../QUOTE]

People fail us. They don't live up to the best version of themselves - to steal from Oprah.

Your ex has shown you who he is - the best and the worst. Believe him. He's not going to change and suddenly become willing to chance conflict or disappoint people. (Sometimes I think people who avoid conflict and want to make people happy at all costs do more damage than outright assholes.)

Another conversation is not going to change anything. You don't have any control over his character faults and how they drive his actions. It might help you to get things off your chest which is not a bad thing. But you can also write a letter or an email for that and have the same effect.

Mourn the relationship. Mourn the better person he should have been. Acknowledge the good things he brought to you. And begin moving on.
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  #9  
Old 02-28-2013, 04:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It seems you are maybe in the denial-shock/ anger-bargaining stages of grief.

Rather than go chasing the ex, consider learning more about the stages of grief so you can monitor yourself and how you journey through them. You will feel all kinds of things, and sometimes you ping pong through the stages. It's ok. You will make it.

Choose HEALTHY things for you. Not unhealthy ones. You are responsible for your own well being.

It is hard to feel, it will suck, but if you have to go through some short term suckage to end up at BETTER long term health it is worth it. Certainly worth more than being tied to a lying, less than stellar ex that disappoints you.

I mean that kindly, but firmly.

Could choose self respecting behavior for yourself even as you do your self care while you grieve what has been lost and what could have been.

You are at the place of WHAT IS here. Do not run from it. You are mourning and grieving. Could choose to be willing to do the work of grieving in a healthy way.

You may not be at the stage to move forward yet into the "acceptance and hope anew" place but don't go BACKWARD to the ex that disappoints. You are in Hang Time, like a time out. Be ok being in Hang Time -- let yourself process your grief. It can take some time to gather yourself back together.

How can forum people best support you in your grieving? You are not alone here. I see you, others see you.

Namaste
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-28-2013 at 04:51 PM.
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  #10  
Old 03-01-2013, 06:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Keep walking and don't look back. There are better things out there for you if you let go.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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