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Old 10-24-2010, 08:02 PM
PixieStyx's Avatar
PixieStyx PixieStyx is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 29
Default Should he stay or dump her? UPDATE!

Ok so here is a quick update on my poly life.

I have written before that the man I fell in love with was my boss from work and that although we remained professional there were a lot of boundries we were crossing that I was concerned about. Well the rumors at work finally started to circulate and my bf was actually written up for it. Even though we never showed the slightest bit of unprofessionalism in the work place. What happened was that we were seen at a club by a co-worker having drinks (NOT making out lol) and she told a bunch of people and the rumors started from there. Not to worry about that too much though because my husband was considering a transfer out of state for his job and I ended my employment in anticipation of that. Of course now we have decided not to transfer out of state. So now that i'm not working there I don't have to worry about that conflict of interest anymore. hubby, BF and I are still doing great as far as our relationship goes. We try to hang out as a group at least every other week if not more and my BF even watches the kids for us while hubby and I go out. (He is such a sweety :P) So that's my update on me.

However, My husband is having a really difficult time with his GF and is considering ending their relationship and finding someone new. He's already looking at dating sites again.

He and his GF used to chat online and text all the time (their relationship is long distance) and now they don't talk at all. He texts her maybe once or twice a day with an "I love you" or "I miss you" message and she never writes back anymore. I have cautioned him about sending constant texts and being overbearing which is why he only texts her a couple times a day. (But I know he wants to write her more) He sent her an email asking maybe if she was loosing interest and he got a text message from her apologizing for not writing him and explaining that she has just been busy with school and work. But then the writing stopped again for a few more days. So he wrote her again last night and she got another response but this time from her friend basically saying the same thing. I don't get why she just can't do him the courtesy of at least responding when he texts her or why she just can't take a few seconds out of her day to send him and "I love you" note. I understand that she is busy but hell, we are ALL busy. It's not like my hubby doesn't have me and the kids and work to fill his time yet he still finds the time to message her. She's just becoming a flake and having her friend answer for her is a really bad sign.
He doesn't want to just drop her because he does love her and doesn't want to seem uncommitted over something so trivial yet he doesn't want to keep waiting around for her either. I know things would be easier if she lived in town but they have declared their love for one another and she even told me that if she could she'd marry him etc.....

Also, as a wife how does one comfort their husband (or spouse) on their other relationship that is failing? I don't know how to help and comfort him. Especially since my external relationship is going so well.

Sorry so long. Thanks for your time and thoughts
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Old 10-25-2010, 04:19 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Sorry to hear about your husband's troubles.

The hard truth is that people make time for the things that are important to them. Sadly, it's likely that your metamour is losing interest in the relationship with your husband. Too busy to communicate even for a moment, once a day? I doubt it. Possible, sure, but still . . .

At the moment, it sounds like he's the only one investing time and energy in this relationship. If I were him, I'd stop chasing her. If she's still interested, she'll contact him. If she doesn't . . . well, there's the answer.

What can you do about it? Depends. If you feel she's not treating your beloved with the level of love and respect he deserves, you can say so. You can certainly be there for him as he walks the path ahead of him, wherever it leads. If it does indeed come to a breakup, you can help him grieve and heal, much like any other personal loss people face in life.

Good luck to all of you, and again, sorry for your troubles.
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:32 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

I don't think he has to worry about whether to drop her or not, as she's already dropped him, it appears. She's just trying to avoid telling him that, hoping he'll take the hints (and they appear to be pretty blatant hints to me).
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 10-26-2010, 03:35 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

I'm with AT on this one. I wouldn't even bother with an official "break-up", just let the dying embers fizzle out. As for his guilty feelings, there's nothing "uncommitted" about leaving a relationship that isn't meeting your emotional needs. If he can't handle leaving it open, he can tell her that he needs more attention to be in this relationship, or else he needs to end it, because he can't be in this limbo situation. Then leave the ball in her court.

How does a wife help her husband cope with a failing relationship? The same way any best friend helps another one deal with, even when yours is going well. And it's even easier because your husband isn't losing all the love in his life, unlike a monogamous BFF in the same situation.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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