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  #11  
Old 02-15-2013, 03:53 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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I've read and heard that very same thing. In some weird way, that information eases my mind a little bit. Thank you.
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  #12  
Old 02-15-2013, 03:55 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I hope you don't have anything though.
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  #13  
Old 02-15-2013, 05:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I hope you don't have herpes, but the party isn't necessarily over if you do. Try not to panic. Here is some info I posted in another thread a while back. Follow some of the links to read up on it, if you like:

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
No, you're not a bad person!

Herpes can be transmitted when the virus erupts and sheds, which is periodically - usually when the person is stressed. If you come in contact with the actual sore or blister, that's how you get it. When it isn't shedding, it lays dormant in the spinal column. So you can have sex with someone who has herpes and isn't shedding without worry. But you can get it if they are shedding and the eruption site is outside of the condom-protected area AND you come into contact with it. Most folks who are aware they have herpes say they know when an eruption is about to happen - they can feel some itching beforehand - but asymptomatic shedding can also occur. I've also heard that most people with herpes don't know they have it. So, you can play it as safe as you can, but there are always risks to get something from someone.

The medications for herpes suppress the viral shedding by "fooling" it with a substance (I think an amino acid, not sure) that connects to it and which it needs -- this prevents eruption, which is pretty much like not having herpes at all. It's also good to support the immune system with herbal supplements, which help when the body is stressed. Some people are very relaxed about herpes, and consider it nothing more than a "pesky skin condition," while others totally freak out about it probably because it's associated with sex. Chicken pox and shingles are forms of herpes also. The Herpes virus can be killed with soap and water, if you wash before infection takes place. So take a shower after sex - but don't share towels!

One's level of misery with HSV1, known as "oral herpes," or HSV2, known as "genital herpes," probably depends on where the eruption happens. The herpes virus, once lodged in the spine, always takes the same route via the nervous system to the skin's surface and so the outbreak is always in the same spot. So, if you get a little patch on your upper buttocks or thigh, probably no biggie (and easier to avoid or cover up during sex, I think), but if the eruption always happens on the genitals, ouchie! But you can get HSV1 on the genitals and HSV2 on the mouth. I think about 80% of the population has HSV1 anyway, usually by kisses from grandma, and I've heard that somewhere around 50% has HSV2.

Sites to learn more:
http://www.herpesite.org/
www.herpes.com
http://sfcityclinic.org/stdbasics/


For threads here on STIs and safer sex:
Safe Sex - Standards, Practices, Information & Resources
HPV - Shouldn't we talk about it?
(there is some talk about herpes in this thread, not just HPV)
fluid bonding/bareback
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-15-2013 at 05:09 PM.
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  #14  
Old 02-20-2013, 05:15 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Taken from my duplicate entry ( sorry about that, folks)...

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Welcome to the forums. I'm far from being the one to give you any advice, but wanted to let you know I'm in a similar boat. I even have a similar question thread over in the Fireplace forum. I feel your uncertainty, as I am feeling the same. I am the world's worst on reading women's feelings about things, and that has bitten me in the butt before and caused some hurt feelings.

That being said, I'm curious as to what has transpired since your initial post. Any dates? Any more conversations? - learninginTN
Thanks, learninginTN (I'm from there originally, btw). Unfortunately, aside from a few texts, no dates or conversations as of yet. I'm hoping to go out with M next week, though. I very much want to have that conversation with her, but that's something I'd like to do face to face...texting just tends to get misconstrued, and the phone's a little better, but not ideal.

I keep telling myself that the sparse conversation isn't anything new...it's not as if we have a record of talking all the time. But with what happened on that last date, it seems that the unknown has a little more weight to it. I would really like to sit down with her and say, "I have a question, and trust me, either way you answer is going to be fine, but I don't want to guess...do you have any interest in taking this beyond our current friendship? If so, I'd love to talk with you about it. If not, it's okay...I simply enjoy my time with you, and would like to continue that."

Being direct in such a way isn't exactly natural (or didn't used to be, anyway), but I feel it's the right approach, instead of wasting time analyzing texts...which will most likely be inaccurate. As my therapist told me yesterday - "Gather information...don't wonder. I can guarantee you that guessing has kept countless romantic relationships from coming to light. Guessing kills."

In other news - NYCindie, thank you for the info. I did get time to read up on some of it.

And unfortunately, it appears that I have it.

While I haven't received my test results yet - the somewhat judgemental doctor didn't order the ONE test that I was concerned about, so they had to reorder it - my wife tested positive.

This initial outbreak has nearly healed up, by the way. The bitch of it is...there's no way to tell exactly where it came from. And I know the timing of events seem to point one way - with my wife for 18 years, open the marriage, and contract HSV three months later - but it's highly possible that she's had it this entire time. She did get knocked down with the flu a couple of weeks ago...couldn't get out of bed for three days. After she was better, we had sex once or twice. It could be that her immune system was down so low that the virus took over. Or maybe *I've* had it the whole time. Or her boyfriend. No one knows, and no one will ever know.

I'm feeling slightly better about it, but still going through some down spells. My therapist, again to the rescue, told me yesterday that he's had it for who knows how long. He's been lucky to never have had an outbreak, but still...he's got it. And he's never experienced any love interests running from him because of it...he said it's usually the other person that brings it up before he has a chance. He also said that in all his years of working with clients, those who have HSV don't experience many outbreaks at all...which is contrary to the scary '4 to 5' outbreaks a year that I've read about online. But maybe that's what I get for searching the internet for medical info.

Anyway...that's my story for now. Thank you all for your input...you're a very helpful bunch. Hopefully I'll have a positive update soon after a next date...
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  #15  
Old 02-21-2013, 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LateToTheParty View Post
He also said that in all his years of working with clients, those who have HSV don't experience many outbreaks at all...which is contrary to the scary '4 to 5' outbreaks a year that I've read about online.
A good friend of mine told me that his outbreaks used to last three or four days, it was just a small patch of an itchy rash. Then it goes away and this happened three or four times a year or whenever he was very stressed. The patch is always the same size, never grows. But as the years have gone by, he now gets it maybe once a year or once every other year. The longer you have it, and the longer you are on the preventive meds, the less often it comes to the surface. That's it - not so scary or a big deal. And he can feel it coming before the virus actually erupts at the surface, which I have heard before. So, for many people, as I had said in my quoted post, it's just a "pesky skin condition." It is unfortunate that it is viewed so harshly because sex is one way to get it. Nobody is shunned for having psoriasis, which can be just as problematic, and quite disabling.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #16  
Old 02-22-2013, 02:08 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Thanks...that makes me feel a bit better.

Confused, though...I heard back from the doctor yesterday, and all my tests came back negative. Including HSV.

This makes no sense, because whatever that was (is...nearly healed)...it looked like a textbook case. Plus, as I said, my wife tested positive.

I've read in a couple of places that even after an initial outbreak, it can take weeks or months to show up in a blood test. So maybe that's it. I'll test again in three months or so, and see if anything comes back different. The nurse also gave me a number to the infectious disease people (sounds thrilling)...said they might have a better answer for me.

But what if the next test comes back negative? Do I just keep going every few months (I would be doing that anyway, I suppose, being in an open relationship now)? Do I assume I have it in the meantime, and tell any potential partners?

***

Speaking of partners...ready to hang it up on M. My therapist told me 'not so fast', but we'll see (we talk a couple of times through email in between sessions - he's quite amazing in his openness to communication that way).

So, she never responded to my 'How about next week?' question I threw out a few nights ago. Also, on a whim, I asked her the other night if she wanted to grab dinner (I live an hour away, but commute for work...was staying in town at the last minute to see a friend's gig). She responded and said she couldn't - which was pretty much expected, since it was so short notice. But it was in the language. She called me 'buddy.' Hmm. Seems like both avoidance and setting boundaries through the use of purposefully chosen words to me. But guessing kills, right?

I'm thinking that I'll just let it lie for a couple of weeks, then send an email (if I haven't seen or heard from her in that time), asking her if she has any interest at all in us going beyond 'friends'...keeping it as light as possible, of course. I don't wanna spook her by sending something very formal and serious out of nowhere from the laid-back, goofball guy she's known this whole time. Of course, I'd much rather talk to her in person about this, but she hasn't provided the opportunity yet.

So...technically it's not over 'til it's over...but it does feel as if I'm back to square one. Disappointing. Out of all the female friends I have, I would have placed money on this working out with M. I actually thought she would jump at a chance with me. Oh well. *sigh*
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  #17  
Old 02-22-2013, 04:57 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Yes it can take awhile to show up, I think up to three months, the IgG number rises as it seroconverts.
This is a great forum for any questions you have www.medhelp.org/posts/Herpes/

If you don't end up getting a positive test, most people I know who have a partner with HSV2 gets tested every 6 months and use barriers with them (up to 90% risk reduction but there are conflicting studies on how much) so if they get it, hopefully it is realized before its passed along to other partners so everybody can make informed decisions.

Now of course most people don't want to start using barriers with an existing serious partner, and are willing to take the risk, as often the actual having it doesn't turn out to be a big deal, barring the immuno-compromised who really need to avoid it, and the awkwardness of discussing it with potential partners. Learning to discuss it in a calm fashion seems to be the most important thing, if you are freaked out and think its a big deal, people are more likely to respond to that energy instead of checking out the statistics and deciding that way.

And there is always the chance M might take a chance on you....but you MAY need to have another successful interaction with somebody else first for M to see that it IS OK, than J was OK with it, that everybody was treated well, and believe that you're not just looking for a sex toy, or to leave J, or whatever other concerns she might have.
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Old 02-22-2013, 06:19 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Thanks for the links, Anne. I will read up on those when I get a chance. You are all really helping me feel better about this...much appreciated.

Quote:
And there is always the chance M might take a chance on you....but you MAY need to have another successful interaction with somebody else first for M to see that it IS OK, than J was OK with it, that everybody was treated well, and believe that you're not just looking for a sex toy, or to leave J, or whatever other concerns she might have.
Exactly the points I want to convey in a conversation with M, but I haven't had the chance. I have already made it clear that I'm not leaving J, and that we're closer than ever. M was actually probing me about this last time - "Are things good? Are you still having sex? Is your ring still on?" Yes, hell yes, and yes.

But because we haven't talked this over in great detail yet, she's unaware that I've already had one sexual experience...and that J was fine with that...and also that J has actually been hoping that this would work out with M, since she's known her for years and likes her (not sure how to convey that last point without sounding creepy..."we all want you in our club"...haha).

Something in the front of my mind...M may be iffy about J being okay with it, though...because there was a point in time (when J wasn't open to anything like this at all, but now in a much different place, obviously, with a second love) that my wife had expressed discomfort in me hanging out with M when it was just the two of us. But that would have been the case with anyone else...not singling out M. So, yes...important information for her to know that everything is fine, regarding that.

And - what I think a very important detail - I'd like to let her know that, as you said, I'm not looking for a 'sex toy'. She may very well have the notion that this is the same as swinging, and it's not that in the least. I care about her, and it's not as if when we decided to open things up, I was searching blindly for the closest warm body...but rather, I think she's pretty special and would love to see if something else could develop...and at whatever pace she's comfortable with.

I dunno. One part of me keeps thinking, "yeah, it's not gonna happen"...but the other half is still considering the fact that she didn't have to kiss me back...and that she said she wasn't quite there yet...although that may have just been talk. Who knows.

And I won't know until I'm able to actually converse with her.
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  #19  
Old 02-23-2013, 03:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LateToTheParty View Post
Confused, though...I heard back from the doctor yesterday, and all my tests came back negative. Including HSV.
Did he test for both HSV1 and HSV2?

Also, it is always totally possible that one person in a couple can have it and yet not pass it to their partner. You have to come into direct contact with the shedding cells themselves in order to get it. It could just be that that didn't happen. OR it just hasn't shown up yet. Yes, best to get tested again in three months.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-23-2013 at 03:35 AM.
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  #20  
Old 03-01-2013, 05:00 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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I'm not sure if he tested for both, actually. I should call back and get that info.

As for the dating life - I think M is definitely out. After not hearing much of anything for a week, I sent her an email a few days ago...basically just saying that while we shared a really nice moment, it was okay to leave it as just that...if she had no interest, it was perfectly fine, because I simply like hanging out with her regardless, and I wouldn't want anything to get weird.

I sent it through Facebook, because I've never really emailed her...and texting something like that just seems ridiculous. And I didn't want to put her on the spot with a phone call. I know that she read it, because FB gives a tiny notification that the message has been seen. And yet, still no word from her. So, unfortunately, I think it has become weird...at least for right now. Dammit. I'd love the opportunity to explain some things to her, but it doesn't look like I'll get it. So from this point, I'm going to let it all rest, and wait to hear from her if she wants to hang out.
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