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  #11  
Old 10-26-2010, 02:08 AM
enoki enoki is offline
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Hey, thank you for your replies, this has really helped me. Its hard when none of your friends are mono and the only person who you feel you can talk to thinks you're completely wrong. Hearing everyone's opinions really helped.

Except for you, GroundedSpirit - because my problem isn't the relationship itself, but the circumstances surrounding it. Thank you for berating me without taking the time to understand my situation.

An Update..

Her and I sent each other some emails which didn't really go well. It was a bit of back and forth hot headedness and ended up pretty much just making everything worse. Much worse.

However at the same time I've been talking with my husband about everything that has been going on, and we've gotten a lot better at explaining how we feel and really got to the bottom of what really was causing us to both feel the way we did/do.

I ended up sending her another email after his and my last talk apologizing for my tone and telling her a bit more of what I felt. My husband also spoke to her about things I said to him about my feelings, also my remorse in being so hostile to her, and her and I have spoken to each other a bit on the phone - we also have plans to hang out again soon.

I feel confident that things will work out. I am still upset with my husband because of how he handled the situation but at this point that is the only feeling I have about everything. I know now that I can trust her and a lot of my fears were unwarranted, and I understand where they are both coming from a lot better now. I am working on helping them to understand why I reacted to their relationship in the manner I did: number one because this really did progress to this point way too quickly for me to be comfortable, and number two because I found I was being lied to by my husband and lashed out at them both for it, even though she really didn't do anything wrong.

So its not a completely happy ending yet but things are so much better than they were last week, I still have some boundary issues that I need to work through but I can tell that as long as all three of us are on the same page they should not be a large issue. My husband and I agreed that this is a rough stage we're going through and the near future will be a bit trying on both of us -- but we are very eager to work this out now so that this does not ever happen again. I'm actually looking forward to this working out, and I see a lot more of the positives of their relationship than I did before now that I've had the chance to hear her story along with his.

Thanks everyone, again.
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  #12  
Old 10-26-2010, 04:01 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Screeeeeeeeeeeetttccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (stepping on brakes) What a second here.......... "both agreed you'd have a poly AMOROUS relationship" and now.......... "they are such 'close friends'" and " jealousy trigger.....emotional attachments" So what do you THINK polyamory is ???????????
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Originally Posted by enoki View Post
Except for you, GroundedSpirit - because my problem isn't the relationship itself, but the circumstances surrounding it. Thank you for berating me without taking the time to understand my situation.
I can understand how you felt attacked, but GS makes a valid point. Polyamory is specifically about close emotional attachments, not loveless flings. You admitted yourself that some of your issue with her was the closeness of their relationships.

The part that made my ears twist was "now she understands her place." That, to me, sounds derogatory. It sounds like you think she's lower or less important than you as a person.

It feels to me like you're in a competition with her, and that's never going to work.
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  #13  
Old 10-26-2010, 12:38 PM
enoki enoki is offline
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Yeah - I don't know. Maybe to me polyamory is about taking things at a pace that everyone is comfortable with and working up to "relationships". I didn't think that you could put one definition on the whole thing and say that has to work for everyone. Maybe I should have just used the term "open relationship", because neither of us had even heard of the word Polyamory until I found this website.

And one more time to be clear - its not the relationship itself! Its the behaviors of everyone involved. Should these things not progress with everyone's feelings and needs in mind?

By knowing her place, I think maybe I should have said "knowing her boundaries". Separating his time with her and his time with me, mostly. Their time together and communication was bleeding into time he was spending with me, and because of the lack of time I am able to spend with him already that was a huge issue. And honestly, because of that, I felt that I was in competition with her, for his attention and time. But that issue has also been brought up and steps have been made to alleviate it..
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  #14  
Old 10-26-2010, 01:58 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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NP Enoki,

I'll accept the slap. I admit to having a tendency to be blunt and direct at times - especially when limited in time (that nasty thing we all fight).

But it seems my point struck home and that's worth something.




Quote:
Originally Posted by enoki View Post
Yeah - I don't know. Maybe to me polyamory is about taking things at a pace that everyone is comfortable with and working up to "relationships". I didn't think that you could put one definition on the whole thing and say that has to work for everyone. Maybe I should have just used the term "open relationship", because neither of us had even heard of the word Polyamory until I found this website.
There are a LOT of ways to "do poly" we'll grant you, but the one thing that's inescapable is that at the foundation is embracing a true closeness - "love". Therein lies the reason a label (or term) had to come into existence. People have had friends and people have had multiple sex partners since we crawled out of the soup. But we've also discovered we can have that deep connection with more than one person also. So someone chose to assign that a formal term for clarity sake.

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Originally Posted by enoki View Post
And one more time to be clear - its not the relationship itself! Its the behaviors of everyone involved. Should these things not progress with everyone's feelings and needs in mind?
Yes and no I think. We should always strive to be kind and loving. That's something to strive for in or out of polyamory - or any life philosophy. But it's a fine line between being kind and being an enabler. Think of a physical therapist. If the patient is ever going to progress and heal, they have to go through some pain. Shielding them from all pain prevents forward progress. How much is enough and how much is too much is an art. That's why we seek outside expertise when we're in doubt.

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Originally Posted by enoki View Post
By knowing her place, I think maybe I should have said "knowing her boundaries". Separating his time with her and his time with me, mostly. Their time together and communication was bleeding into time he was spending with me, and because of the lack of time I am able to spend with him already that was a huge issue. And honestly, because of that, I felt that I was in competition with her, for his attention and time. But that issue has also been brought up and steps have been made to alleviate it..
Yep - this is probably THE most common stickpin - especially at first. So it's good you are doing things to educate yourself if you feel this is the lovestyle that you want in your life. Time IS limited ! You have to, as a team, seek a way to balance as best possible. And in this, no one can be 100% satisfied. Just strive for a "it's not perfect - but I can live with it" for everyone concerned.

But try this...............

Instead of letting it fester under the surface, just approach it openly and honestly. Get everyone together and just say "I'm feeling a little left out and unimportant right now. I'm limited in time to spend together and I need that to feel connected. What can WE do to help me with this ?"

Much as you did with us here.

You can do this, but FIRST you have to make sure you truly believe in it.

As SC mentioned, poly is not about only sex. Is that ok with you ? Really ?

GS
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  #15  
Old 10-28-2010, 07:53 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Kind of an aside. I am soooooo TIRED of people text messaging someone else during a date....poly partners included! (unless there's an emergency) I see no difference between this and just walking in and interupting someone's conversation implying your own agenda...or your wants and needs...are more important.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 10-28-2010 at 08:04 AM.
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  #16  
Old 10-29-2010, 11:53 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
Kind of an aside. I am soooooo TIRED of people text messaging someone else during a date....poly partners included! (unless there's an emergency) I see no difference between this and just walking in and interupting someone's conversation implying your own agenda...or your wants and needs...are more important.
I agree.
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