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Old 10-21-2010, 04:16 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
No I don't feel the need. I do need to know the whys and hows about my wifes bf at all. Hes a good guy, he treats her well. Thats pretty much where my interest ends. I don't require specificity.

I think needing to know breeds potential jealousy or envy and in turn, the potential for a partner to fudge to protect your feelings.

For the record, this is one area that I prefer discretion. I don't believe either of my relationships should know everything about how we play, date or have fun. My relationship with Superjast gets as much privacy as my relationship with Pengrah, and I expect the same in return. Its our relationship...not everyones. By releasing every detail of whats happening it, to me, cheapens it a bit. Primary or secondary doesn't matter. Anyone getting involved with me would get this and in turn I would expect it.
Agree with this entirely.
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Old 10-22-2010, 04:28 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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At first I wanted to know everything. Mostly because Cricket was such an unknown to me, it seemed the only way I had to get to know her, was to know what he like about her, loved about her, etc.

I noticed I had a hard time hearing how alike we were. So I've come to cherish how we are different. We are very alike in a lot of ways, but I can't see my husband dating a carbon copy, so I want to know the differences.

As far as other things. I'm a curious and inquisitive soul. I want to know everything about everything and sometimes lose the privacy barriers, b/c personaly there isn't much I'm worried about being private. It's hard for me to remember not everyone is so open.

Karma and I share everything together, so when there is something he won't share, it raises questions. But I have worked hard to acknowledge that Cricket may not care to have it all shared with me.

It's hard b/c that's a part of his life he can't share, so I feel like I am missing out on sharing something with him.

So to answer the direct question I do like knowing what Karma likes about Cricket, especialy when it is something unique to her.
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Old 10-22-2010, 09:48 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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I like to know what's going on with Breathes' other loves. Unfortunately he's fallen into a funk lately & getting him to talk about ANYTHING that isn't work related or me (as in myself) related is not an easy task. I have to drag any information, including whether he's going somewhere, out of him.

He doesn't ask about my relationship with Possibility either. I offer up general information & leave it at that. I like to share. It helps me to face any fears or insecurities I may have & it lets him know I care enough to share things with him in the first place.
There are as many ways to do polyamory as there are people practicing it!
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:08 AM
MyNameIsMaam MyNameIsMaam is offline
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I am with Ariakas and Vodkafan - I don't really want to know all the details. He has his. I have mine.

We each clear outings with the other person - just to make sure there aren't any other plans getting messed up, and I want to know where he is and when to expect him home. Other than that, the rest isn't really my business. The same goes when I go out.
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Old 10-23-2010, 05:20 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
I have a desire for my partner to tell me as much as she is willing about what she finds attractive and enjoys about her other boyfriend. I feel that this would help me to accept things for the way they are. I keep wondering and contemplating. I feel like I'm resisting, and that I would stop resisting and accept my place in her life if I knew more.

One other benefit that I think would occur is that if she were to reveal what she enjoys about him it would increase the intimacy between us. I'd like to be treated as a dear friend, and be given the chance to be excited for her as a friend would be. Instead, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks. I haven't approached her with this broad question yet. I feel that I've learned over time that this would help me. Nevertheless, she doesn't opt to tell me on her own. So, I feel that she tries to protect me by not telling me what she really thinks.

I know that I would feel some jealousy about the things that she would tell me, but I would like to try to face each issue and find a comfortable place of acceptance after I knew the facts. Well, that's what I would like to try.

Are you interested in knowing more about your partner's feelings for others? Do you agree with my reasoning on this?
I haven't read what others have said and will post again if there is anything to add after I have, but I wanted to respond right away as this is what we talked about at our poly meeting last night. The topic was intimacy and we ended up talking about everything from "don't ask don't tell policies (DADT)," "two much information (TMI)," and our experiences of shared info and how it brings intimacy to our lives or not. We talked about how DADT can reduce intimacy for some or keep intimacy going, how people not wanting details effects us if we want to share and some stories of what different partners are willing to share and what others aren't; how to work that out between each other. All very interesting.

What I got out of the discussion in regards to what your story is that it might be important to talk about what the boundaries are and what information means to you both. Some people find that giving too much information decreases intimacy and is disrespectful to both of their partners. Some don't want to hear too much information because they find it too close for comfort and like they are being convinced or being privy to something that is not their information to know. Others like the dirty details and get off on them with or without their partner. There are those that like to share all the fun and excitement they feel every step of the way because their emotions make them want to relay the story of their experiences and it is exciting to relive the story again in the telling of it.

It seems that to understand what person you are in this and what person you are with the person you are talking to is important... I don't tell PN anything about Mono and my sex life or personal details that only he and I share. I don't like to and I don't think he likes to hear it. Sometimes though he likes to know more than I am willing to share because I don't want to hurt him. I find most of the time expressing how I feel about people is far more important than the details for what we did.

Mono I tell just about everything too, but only after I am certain of what I am saying and how I say it. I came back from coffee with someone once ad was really excited about the re-connect we had had and it didn't go over well. He knew I had had a crush on this person and while there was a bit of that still lingering, I was much more grateful to re-connect with them after several years than think about the crush. Mono read this as me crushing out and that I wanted to have them as a partner, explore sexual things with them and that we were essentially done because it would be breaking our agreement. I'm much more careful now to go over in my head first what it is I want to say and convey first, whereas with PN I can say just about anything at that point.
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Old 10-23-2010, 03:03 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I like to know what's going on with Breathes' other loves.... I like to share. It helps me to face any fears or insecurities I may have & it lets him know I care enough to share things with him in the first place.
That's how I feel. Knowing more makes me feel closer to my partner. Some things may make me feel slightly inadequate, but I'd still prefer to know. Then, I'm able to meditate on why I feel inadequate and dissect my emotions. I can then tell myself that I should not worry about whatever is bothering me because of "x". I can then go through a step by step process that is more likely to lead me to feeling compersion, and also more thankful for the strengths that she is attracted to in me.

One day after posting this thread I asked her to tell me more about her other boyfriend. I posed two open ended questions.

1. What things do you find attractive about him?
2. What are the highlights of having sex with him?

In order to respect him, I suggested that she only compliment him, and keep the less complimentary opinions to herself. I greatly benefited from the discussion. I feel much more comfortable and secure now. I feel that it built intimacy between us.

I do like what redpepper mentioned about discussing TMI boundaries. I know that I'm comfortable with her telling her other lovers 90% of the things about me. I also feel better knowing more about her other lovers. I feel that she is less open than I am, but still shares some things to a small extent.

Last edited by Vexxed; 10-23-2010 at 03:06 PM.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:30 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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My H and I were swingers for a few years before love started seeping into the equation. One of the things i miss most about those days is hearing about his relations with the other girl or hell for that matter watching lol. Now that love is evolved there is no information being passed. Out of everything we deal with being 4 people and 3 different couples is the not knowing what is going on any more. H OSO M is mono and a very private person. So we don't talk about personal stuff about her. J and H are , well were, best friends and H doesn't want to see or hear anything about us which is hard because we live together. I miss being able to talk to my husband about anything. It makes me sad and I don't feel like we are nearly as close as we used to be because of it.
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Old 07-23-2011, 09:45 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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It varies with me. I do want to know *some* of what's going on, so that it's not a complete enigma as in he leaves the house and there's missing time until he gets back! But... I also have respect for other people's privacy and so I can see how someone he dates doesn't necessarily want him telling ME everything about them, and I certainly don't want my hubs telling certain things about me to anyone else.

I think hubs used to want to tell me everything... and he's learning that other people might not like that so much! With his latest relationship there was more talking than was probably good... and then a situation arose where I had to pull completely out of all involvement, so now I just hear bits and pieces and that's all and I'm ok with that.

I'm with Mohegan, though, in that I don't want to hear similarities I want to hear differences. I heard a podcast with Franklin Veaux a while back and he was talking about that... how he liked hearing the differences between himself and his partner's other partners because in those difference lies where YOU are unique to your partner. Those differences are why your partner loves YOU. They're good things...
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Old 07-24-2011, 02:00 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Interesting discussion...

I think it is true that different people are at different places and like to discuss things to different depths.

For me, I am just like you Vexxed. I am a very inquisitive person naturally, and always asking deeper questions to everyone I meet. I want to know as much as I can. I feel more connected when I do. It helps me work through my various emotional responses too.

My wife on the other hand does not want to know all that much and prefers not to divulge too much. When she had her first experiences with another man I wanted to know alot more than she was wanting to tell. I found this difficult...

As I reflected on it, I feel like some of my motive for asking and wanting more information is legitimate. That is the kind of person I am and it does help me to process my own emotions about it all. I prefer the devil I know than the one I don't so to speak...

But I also realised that some of my motives are unhealthy. I like what GS said about respecting your partner when you they don't want to divulge as much information as you would like. For my wife I think it does cheapen things a little and she is the sort of person that wants some things to be unique and private. If I can't respect this and allow some things not to be shared, then I am not respecting what is important to her. I need to be able to let this go as hard as it is for me. Not being able to let it go is means I have an unhealthy attachment to needing to know the details...

So it does seem to be give and take. To my wife's credit, she did share alot of details which I really appreciated and felt more connected to her as a result. She shared some things that she thought I would really struggle with and was also trying to protect me, but when I was genuinely excited for her, I think it helped her open up more too. But I also realised I needed to let things go more for her sake and her need for privacy.

Isn't that just the way with relationships - a balance between the things you want and those your SO's want and helping to ensure that everyone has a voice and is respected along the way... This discussion is another example of that...
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Old 07-24-2011, 03:48 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I have the same problems with it as you do. Sharing has never been my hubbys thing but he used to do it when we were swinging because he knew it made things easier on me and usually turned me on Now, with the relationship he is in I don't even ask. I know that she would not like it and he would not betray her trust so no point in asking. The other night as I was going to bed I heard something. I laid there for a min and got up walked into the living room. Our bedroom is right under the living room. It dawned on me what I was hearing and went back to j's room and turned the tv on. I knew she wouldn't want me listening to them making love to each other so I respected her privacy and went back to sleep. Back in the day, I might have maybe listened for a few min then went in and woke J up in an amazing way lol. but when you care about the person your hubby is in love with it is different. I will always respect her feelings and hubby's by not asking, not that I would ask for step by step or anything lol but I wont turn down general information. It just helps me deal and makes me feel closer to hubby.
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