Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-15-2013, 11:33 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 17
Default A New Threesome - advice?

Well, I didnít expect to find myself here at this point in my life, but .....

Iíve been very happily married to a man, Danny (not his real name), for almost 18 years, with no children (by choice). Our sex life was absolutely fantastic when he told me he would be tittilated by the idea of me having sex with other men. When we met (and when I was younger!), I tended to have several lovers at any given time. It was true love, as I saw it, that made me want to drop it all for monogamy with my ďsoul mate.Ē

Fortunately, weíve always had great communication, which I credit with getting us through some rough spots over the years. We always came out stronger for it, too. So, he felt comfortable telling me that he fantasized about my taking other lovers. I resisted, however, feeling like those ďwild daysĒ were a now behind me now that Iím turning 50 this April, despite the fact Iím repeatedly told by people that I look and act much younger. (I credit a lack of children, rock music, and a refusal to grow up myself.)

To get to the point, weíve both had a male friend (Iíll call him Michael) who weíve known for almost as long as weíve been married, but there was NEVER a sexual spark before between this man and me, though we had enjoyed some very interesting debates on religion and politics over the years. Knowing now that Danny was more or less hinting that he wanted me to play around a bit, I turned on the flirting with Michael a bit.

Needless to say, Michael and I, with Dannyís blessing, ended up having an ďaffair.Ē I didnít fall out of love with my husband, but feelings have now developed for Michael. This is new to me. Danny is still okay with this, though he wasnít expecting me to get emotionally involved, and neither was I!

Itís fortunate that Danny and Michael are also good friends. We all agreed early on that there would be NO secrets, no lies, and everything would be completely transparent, and it has been. While this has been working so far, Danny did go through some major emotional upheavals having to do with his insecurities, which he fortunately recognizes for what they are, and Iíve been trying extremely hard to reassure him and let him know that my love for him has not changed because of this.

This has been going on now for about five or six weeks, so this is all still very new. In the beginning, I offered to Danny to end this before my feelings for Michael became deeper, but Danny did NOT want me to do that. Michael has become a dear friend to both of us, and even though itís hard for Danny to share me in this way, he seems to think this is still the way to go. In other words, he feels his ability to allow me to love someone else is important for his own spiritual growth. (Compersion?)

My position at the moment is that Iím still very much in love with Danny and have no intention of leaving him. Iím also very much in love with Michael and want to be with him, as well. Ideally, if Danny is able to work through his insecurities, Iíd love to cohabitate with both of them at some point, and both Danny and Michael have shown an interest in the idea. Still, I donít think that would work until Danny is completely comfortable with this.

I joined this forum in order to get some input on how to handle this. Both men have very healthy sexual appetites, but I havenít had any difficulties in keeping them both happy so far. I just donít like to see Danny feeling insecure, which comes up sometimes when I spend time with Michael. Iím not sure what the best way to handle this is. Any input would be greatly appreciated!
__________________
RockerChick
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-17-2013, 04:36 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,243
Default

Hi RockerChick,
Welcome to our forum.

Things often start out rough at the beginning of a poly relationship. It takes time to get used to things. Right now, Danny is not used to sharing you. He seems to be aware of this and is working on it. I think there's good reason to believe that he'll gradually succeed.

If you are doing lots to reassure him that you still have the same feelings for him, then you're already doing what you're supposed to. About the only thing I could add is to have a sit-down with him where you ask him what you can do to help him with his insecurities. He'd know better than anyone else how to answer that question, and it would demonstrate to him that you are concerned for his well-being.

I'm sure you will come across other ideas as you explore the various threads on this site. Don't hesitate to post your thoughts, questions, and concerns. In the meantime, it's likely to make a difference just for Danny to have some time to get used to this.

Glad to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

P.S. Compersion basically equals the opposite of jealousy. You can find other words and definitions at http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...5365#post15365
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-17-2013, 08:41 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 17
Default Working Toward Security

Thanks for the feedback, Kevin.

I've already had that talk with Danny, though it seems we need to do it a few more times. That's ok. I can imagine this must be difficult for him, even though this was kind of his idea in the first place. But now that we're in this, I think it's safe to say that all three of us want this to work out.

I may need to start a new thread on this question, but have many people here been able to move into a successful live-in situation with their lovers? I know that some have; I guess I'm wondering if there's a "norm." Then again, maybe I'm on the wrong forum to find anything "norm," eh?
__________________
RockerChick
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:22 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,041
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
... but have many people here been able to move into a successful live-in situation with their lovers? I know that some have; I guess I'm wondering if there's a "norm." Then again, maybe I'm on the wrong forum to find anything "norm," eh?
I'd agree that poly is too varied for anything to be considered the "norm" but there are a number of "cohabitating Vees" that I have read about here. If you do a search on "cohabitation" there is some discussion of the subject. Off the top of my head - Phy lives with her husband and boyfriend (I'd recommend reading her blog, as she journals how it all came about), as does Loving Radiance, as does RedPepper (although she and her boyfriend Mono are going through a rough patch right now), as do I.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-19-2013, 08:46 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,243
Default

I'm in a cohabitating Vee also. One thing I've personally observed, for my own experience, is that privacy can be an important issue. I need to be able to "retreat into my cave" sometimes.

My Vee is an MFM configuration, with the lady of the household as the "hinge." Us two men (who are platonic friends with each other) have separate bedrooms, and my bedroom has an attached bathroom. I can't tell you how valuable that set-up is for me. Just knowing I don't have to "emerge" unless/until I'm ready, makes me feel more inclined to emerge more often. But, then, I've always had an introverted side.

I think it's a challenge anytime multiple people share a living space, let alone when it's also a poly sitch. Just think about a regular monogamous couple, almost everyone has problems learning how to live together. So you really have to learn a lot by trial and error. Each individual person is so different and unique, they all have their "tips and tricks."

Our first few years together (as a Vee) were rough. We had to have separate domiciles for awhile. Things just gradually smoothed out over time. Now we have a comfortable, boring dynamic with each other, and we love it. We first got together (as a Vee) in 2006. It took til 2009 or 2010 for things to really start smoothing out.

Another challenge is I have had a short fuse and big mood swings in the past. For some reason I've finally calmed down, perhaps because I'm finally taking the "winning combo of meds." But who knows.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-22-2013, 04:53 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 17
Default Emotional Volatility

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I'm in a cohabitating Vee also. One thing I've personally observed, for my own experience, is that privacy can be an important issue. I need to be able to "retreat into my cave" sometimes.
I can see how that would be EXTREMELY important for me, and I'm the "hinge" in this case. If we ever decided to cohabitate, I'm sure I would need my own room (I was raised as an only child) to occasionally get away from the demands such a situation would present.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I think it's a challenge anytime multiple people share a living space, let alone when it's also a poly sitch. Just think about a regular monogamous couple, almost everyone has problems learning how to live together. So you really have to learn a lot by trial and error. Each individual person is so different and unique, they all have their "tips and tricks."
Were you monogamous when your relationship started, or were you the addition?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Our first few years together (as a Vee) were rough. We had to have separate domiciles for awhile. Things just gradually smoothed out over time. Now we have a comfortable, boring dynamic with each other, and we love it. We first got together (as a Vee) in 2006. It took til 2009 or 2010 for things to really start smoothing out.
That's a bit scary. Right now, my Vee is a bit volatile. Even though it was my husband that opened me up to the idea, now he's dealing with his insecurities and fears. I'm trying to be as understanding and patient as I possibly can, but there have been some tough developments that I will address in another post. Any advice you have on that post when I get it up will be appreciated!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Another challenge is I have had a short fuse and big mood swings in the past. For some reason I've finally calmed down, perhaps because I'm finally taking the "winning combo of meds." But who knows.
I can imagine how that could make things a bit more difficult! I went through my own cocktail of mood meds over the years, but I got to the point where I didn't feel they were actually helping me much. Took a while to wean off them, too, but it seems to be working for me. Still, it seems there's nothing like the swing of emotions while trying to work out how to live with unconditional love.
__________________
RockerChick
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-22-2013, 07:06 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,243
Default

Re:
Quote:
"Were you monogamous when your relationship started, or were you the addition?"
I was the addition. Technically I had my own spouse, but she was pretty far down the road of Alzheimer's, so she didn't really comprehend what was happening. Pretty sad. I was mostly a caregiver rather than a husband. My two poly companions kind of swooped in and rescued us.

Re:
Quote:
"Re:
Quote:
"We first got together (as a Vee) in 2006. It took til 2009 or 2010 for things to really start smoothing out."
That's a bit scary. Right now, my Vee is a bit volatile."
It's a gradual process. It gets easier a little at a time, with lots of bumps and ups and down along the way. The bumps gradually get smaller and smoother. The ups and downs gradually level out. It takes patience and a lot of love, but the eventual result is worth it.

Re:
Quote:
"Even though it was my husband that opened me up to the idea, now he's dealing with his insecurities and fears. I'm trying to be as understanding and patient as I possibly can, but there have been some tough developments that I will address in another post. Any advice you have on that post when I get it up will be appreciated!"
Pass on a link to that new post/thread when you get it up. I'll help out however I can.

Re:
Quote:
"I went through my own cocktail of mood meds over the years, but I got to the point where I didn't feel they were actually helping me much. Took a while to wean off them, too, but it seems to be working for me. Still, it seems there's nothing like the swing of emotions while trying to work out how to live with unconditional love."
Yes, it can be hard on everyone. And it's often a mystery what will fix the problem. Some people do well on meds, some need other solutions. As with so many things in poly, there's a lot of trial and error involved.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-07-2013, 11:24 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 17
Default Thanks!

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I can't even imagine how you dealt with losing a spouse to Alzheimer's. It must've seemed like a Godsend to have your friends save you!

I haven't created the next post I referred to as things change rapidly in this group, but I think I may start a blog just to write about this stuff. If I do, I'll post the link. I always welcome input!
__________________
RockerChick
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-08-2013, 08:20 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,243
Default

Sounds good.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:20 AM.