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  #1  
Old 10-20-2010, 11:16 AM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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Default Playing Fair

My boyfriend and his gf were hanging out the other night and we got to talking about the special little things he does with us and comparing notes. It was fun and educational.

We both pretty quickly noticed that he does pretty much a lot of the same stuff with both of us. He has a certain way of treating women that's a funny mix of pulling our pigtails and being really cute and for a while we laughed a lot at how both she and I were irritated or bugged by his pranks (eg. If you walk up the apt steps in front of him, he'll try to stick a finger up your butt. We HATE that!).

Than, as we kept talking, it turned out that he had some sweeter, cuter stuff that he did with her that he doesn't do with me (eg. make up a silly song where the only words are "my baby" and sing it to her). At first I was a little hurt thinking I was missing out on something, but it fits their vibe. She is an adorable, little, tom boyish 22 year old and I am a tall, angular, serious 34 year old and it fit their relationship personality.

By the same token, my other bf and I are very romantic and sweet with one another and send gooey texts and e-mails back and forth all day, where the above bf and I barely speak when we're not together.

What are some of the differences in how you treat different lovers/partners and why? I'd be curious to hear about it
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  #2  
Old 10-20-2010, 01:08 PM
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pancake pancake is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
My boyfriend and his gf were hanging out the other night and we got to talking about the special little things he does with us and comparing notes. It was fun and educational.

We both pretty quickly noticed that he does pretty much a lot of the same stuff with both of us. He has a certain way of treating women that's a funny mix of pulling our pigtails and being really cute and for a while we laughed a lot at how both she and I were irritated or bugged by his pranks (eg. If you walk up the apt steps in front of him, he'll try to stick a finger up your butt. We HATE that!).

Than, as we kept talking, it turned out that he had some sweeter, cuter stuff that he did with her that he doesn't do with me (eg. make up a silly song where the only words are "my baby" and sing it to her). At first I was a little hurt thinking I was missing out on something, but it fits their vibe. She is an adorable, little, tom boyish 22 year old and I am a tall, angular, serious 34 year old and it fit their relationship personality.

By the same token, my other bf and I are very romantic and sweet with one another and send gooey texts and e-mails back and forth all day, where the above bf and I barely speak when we're not together.

What are some of the differences in how you treat different lovers/partners and why? I'd be curious to hear about it
With H, we usually just act very much like good girlfriends do/would...most of the time we're not super flirty/touchy, we just talk a lot. She is my sounding board for frustrations with B (sometimes he and I fight a lot...we're both incredibly stubborn) because she's been with him for something over 5 years now. At my place, we do snuggle quite a bit though. Our relationship is a little bit newer than B and I's.
B is more the romantic stuff...he tells me he loves me and we have our little inside jokes (pancake is one of them) from before our true triad formed up. I talk to him a little more about my concerns with future...but if I know he's gonna tell me to get over it, I talk to H instead. B doesn't understand that telling me to get over it doesn't fix it or help me worry less about it .
Within the triad I'm kinda the baby...this is my first real poly relationship so I usually follow their lead...but I'm startin to get the hang of it. It's weird to have them "take care" of me...since I've been on my own for the last 6.5 years and I'm slightly older than B and a few years older than H
Nothing earth shattering...but little differences in how we relate/love on one another.
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:22 PM
MyNameIsMaam MyNameIsMaam is offline
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To Fayerweather -

Interesting post, and it made me want to tell you that I am impressed that you recognize that the relationships are different and that behavior from one may not "fit" the other very well at all.

Being "fair" isn't about being treated the exact same way. It's about treating others and being treated in the way that works for you individually.

There is a golden rule about treating others as you would like to be treated. I perfer the platinum rule about treating others as they want you to treat them.

I wish you well in your relationships - it sounds like you are in a happy place!
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Old 10-20-2010, 02:31 PM
QuestioningMono QuestioningMono is offline
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?? What about when your Poly SO tells you something or shares something with you that is taken "special" then to turn around and find out he's shared the same thing with .... his girl... whatever you want to call it.

Same sayings, a song that fits you to a "T" and find out/hear him call her the same thing ... see an IM saying that the particular song "took her breath away"

I was crushed... NOTHING is special... doesn't feel special... Doesn't matter how nice the other person is... makes me feel like second hand... and I'm almost to the point I don't believe anything he or she says anymore.
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:38 PM
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MsKtty89 MsKtty89 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuestioningMono View Post
?? What about when your Poly SO tells you something or shares something with you that is taken "special" then to turn around and find out he's shared the same thing with .... his girl... whatever you want to call it.

Same sayings, a song that fits you to a "T" and find out/hear him call her the same thing ... see an IM saying that the particular song "took her breath away"

I was crushed... NOTHING is special... doesn't feel special... Doesn't matter how nice the other person is... makes me feel like second hand... and I'm almost to the point I don't believe anything he or she says anymore.
Maybe this means it's time to sit and talk, sort of like Fayerweather did? A discussion of what's the same and what's different may bring to light the special things that is done for/with you that you may not realize.

I don't really have anything to share that my hubby and my "friend" do differently, as the "friend" isn't fully committed in our relationship at this point (yay complicated!), but I can say that I agree that the "tone" of my relationship with him is different than the tone with my husband and I know that them together is different than my husband and I together. Of course there are similarities, there are certain ways we all show our affection that can hold true for both other parties, especially given that we three happen to be fairly like-minded. But there's also subtle differences that I know may increase or decrease over time and am okay with that.
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  #6  
Old 10-20-2010, 04:42 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I agree with MNIM.

People sometimes get sucked into the 1 for 1 mentality. Each relationship has a different style. As long as the individuality of the relationship is being fed, comparing is a bad game to play.

Great topic, and kudos to you for seeing the differences.


One thing I have found myself doing in any of my poly-style relationships (as a secondary),..is to stop my bf/gf from saying things to me, I know they normally say to their primary. (when I get a feeling, their primary may see it as special.) ...it just seems natural.

I can say, I dont think there is any poor intent. Usually just a slip of the tongue, based on routine habits we all make.
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  #7  
Old 10-20-2010, 06:19 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuestioningMono View Post
?? What about when your Poly SO tells you something or shares something with you that is taken "special" then to turn around and find out he's shared the same thing with .... his girl... whatever you want to call it.

Same sayings, a song that fits you to a "T" and find out/hear him call her the same thing ... see an IM saying that the particular song "took her breath away"

I was crushed... NOTHING is special... doesn't feel special... Doesn't matter how nice the other person is... makes me feel like second hand... and I'm almost to the point I don't believe anything he or she says anymore.
My husband is a guy who tends to automatically take responsibility for solving problems others deal with. I'd never had a partner like this before him because I too have a similar personality only it wears on me after a while and I become bossy.
When he began to see someone else, I noticed he was doing the same for her in smaller ways and it initially ruffled my feathers a bit. Having never had a partner who is this way made me feel like he did this for me because I was special to him. So I did have a few moments of "Am I still special?"

In talking to him about it, I learned things he values about me that we may have never even discussed if we'd remain monogamous. He likes that I'm pragmatic, a true consort, and that I don't see the way he is as just being due to him being male. I appreciate his efforts and show him my appreciation where as other women he has know take that for granted. It motivates him to become a better person.

Because of our dynamic, the other people we see get to be appreciated for what they offer and who they are more. If we didn't have these elements to our association in place; things we've come to realize are intrinsic to our over all happiness, the other people we see would be scrutinized eventually for not having these traits and made to feel like they were lacking in our eyes. In other words, being who he is helps me be able to enjoy the man I see without trying to change him into everything I need all wrapped up in one person.
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  #8  
Old 10-20-2010, 06:31 PM
QuestioningMono QuestioningMono is offline
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I take, from reading your reply, that you are both poly. You see others as well as him seeing others.

That is where I am different. I am mono, though he thinks I am poly, just haven't realized it. If I were poly, I wouldn't be so upset at this entire situation.

He has stated what he sees in me and that I have his mind, heart and soul. He states it is only his heart he gives to this Other woman. I don't understand what she can give that I haven't been able to give. I don't see the need to "have to have" someone else.

And him telling her all sorts of things about me and Us, makes me upset. There are things I wish he hadn't shared, but it is too late, and because of that she is nosey in questioning me. I can't stand it.

She tells me that she cares for me *shrugs* and that other women wouldn't even care how I felt and would only keep loyalty to him. I don't understand this.
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  #9  
Old 10-20-2010, 06:37 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuestioningMono View Post
I take, from reading your reply, that you are both poly. You see others as well as him seeing others.

That is where I am different. I am mono, though he thinks I am poly, just haven't realized it. If I were poly, I wouldn't be so upset at this entire situation.

He has stated what he sees in me and that I have his mind, heart and soul. He states it is only his heart he gives to this Other woman. I don't understand what she can give that I haven't been able to give. I don't see the need to "have to have" someone else.

And him telling her all sorts of things about me and Us, makes me upset. There are things I wish he hadn't shared, but it is too late, and because of that she is nosey in questioning me. I can't stand it.

She tells me that she cares for me *shrugs* and that other women wouldn't even care how I felt and would only keep loyalty to him. I don't understand this.
I just replied to your main thread and this comment only firther pisses me off with his behaviour. He's made assumptions about who you are internally, questioned your personal beliefs and shared private information without your consent. You can do better. Sorry if I sound negative...your story is triggering me like crazy. Feel free to PM me if you want
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  #10  
Old 10-20-2010, 07:26 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Mon-I'm glad you wrote. My jaw was hanging open, but I'm confident that there isn't anything I can say that you won't have covered.
I have to second you on the WOW that is BS part.
NO ONE can tell you what you ARE or ARE NOT conclusively.
I knew Maca was poly-able. I told him I THOUGHT he was and was willing to give him free reign to find out.
But if he didn't-that would have been ok too.
GG isn't-that's fine too.

Not to mention-the comment from the other woman. Yeah-no, that's some b.s.
She needs some training from Maca's gf! Treat the wife/previous SO with a lot of HUMBLE great respect, it goes a LOT further than cockily pointing it out-which drops the respect to just "going through the motions".
DAMN!

SORRY OP.
I'll try to reply later. I have to get off the thought pattern I'm on first.
EEK
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