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  #11  
Old 10-19-2010, 01:44 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
You might want to check out this blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2713
How odd to see my blog used as an example

I have to say though, I disagree that it can't work.

Cricket and Karma had an affair for almost the same amount of time before I found out.

It's been a rough go, and if you read through the TON of posts on my blog, you'll follow my rollercoaster of emotions through the whole thing.

Karma being impatient, me feeling rushed, Karma being patient, me feeling bad for taking so long to heal, Cricket and I not getting along. There's alot on there.

It took A LOT of work on all our parts, and a lot of help from others on here, to get us to where we are.

I don't think we're a success story...yet. But we're working it out.

Communicate and have patience are my best advice. Know yourself, heal yourself. That has to be priority for this to work at all. You need to know if this is something you can handle or not.

I think it was easier for us b/c we were already discussing poly before Cricket came along. I was already prepared for, just not the affair and the pain that came from it.

You both have to be committed to solving the problems and wounds this has caused. And honestly if the other woman is going to walk away b/c she can't be bothered to give you time to heal, let her walk.

cricket stuck it out. She was still there when I bad mouthed her, she was there when I was condescending, she was there when I said they could only spend time together if I was there, she was there when things I thought I was okay with turned out to be things I couldn't handle.

She wanted this to work just as much as we did, and did whatever I needed to make that easier for me.

We wouldn't be where we are without patience on all sides. And flat out honest communication. You have to feel safe to express whatever you are thinking and feeling and so does he.

Once Karma and I had that, it was so much easier. We spent night after night addressing this fear and that concern.

I am one of those women who will say, my husbands affair was the best thing that happened to us. I am greatful to Cricket and Karma. Sure it would have been easier had they been honest from the begining, but we would have never dealt with the root problems and wouldn't be anywhere near where we are now.

With all that said, there is nothing wrong if this isn't for you. If you can't handle it. But do yourself a favor, don't obsess over it. That was the worst thing I did. I overanalyzed and it was constantly on my mind. I eventualy was going backwards because I got myself so turned around in all the worrying.

The easy way is to end things with her and the two of you work out your marriage. But the hard way can be successful.

Feel free to PM if you have any questions or want to know more. Good luck!!
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  #12  
Old 10-22-2010, 06:04 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Seeking,

Sorry if I'm a little late spotting your thread. Hope you are still around, reading & learning.

After reading your post, a couple thoughts came to me.......

First - because it hurts the most - the revelation about cheating etc. Trust is such a fragile thing. We like to think we can trust the people we love and who love us in any and all situations. Myself, I guess I don't believe that. I'm sure there are probably case where it's true but maybe I haven't personally come across one (or many) yet.
But here's the thing I think I'd want to zero in on regarding this.
Affairs and 'cheating' etc have ALWAYS happened. But ask ourselves why ? There's a variety of answers but complicit in them all is the underlying fact that we're raised in a culture where deep connections to more than one person (in a romantic or sexual manner) is a taboo. But it's an unreal and unrealistic taboo. Unsupportable for a very significant portion of the species.
But instead of having it out on the table for learning and discussion from the beginning, we put the blinders on and pretend it's really not that way. And then BOOM !
Hopefully in the future (some day) it will be otherwise. The emergence of poly into the mainstream offers some hope I think.
But in any case, I would only advise you to take this history into consideration. More than likely he proceeded the way he did because it was the only thing he knew ? Was it right ? Of course not. But we make all manner of bad decisions out of poor or lack of information. Give the devil his due.

But moving on............

The reasons he offered for pursuing his connection with GF are POTENTIALLY very real. The universe is funny. We sometimes to come into contact with people that seem to have something special that we need to understand. Often we aren't even looking. We just turn around and there they are. Poof !
This type of thing doesn't get a lot of press, maybe because there can be beautiful and special things surround them. And only the bad drama gets talked about. So accept the fact that this MAY be one of those ? But wait and see. Time teaches us a lot.
Whatever the case, you need to understand it changes NOTHING about the connection between you two !! Repeat 100 times
Unless of course one or both of you makes it change by over reacting to either the NRE/curiousity or jealousy etc.
I'd try to take a step back, dispense with any preconceived notions and take a look with an unbiased set of eyes. Hard I know after a breach of trust. But it's the only real path with heart. Start fresh, assume nothing, move forward from there based on what you see in FRONT of you - not what's behind.
There IS something special in here for you too - even though it may be clouded for the moment. Believe that - and watch for it. It may not show up in a day, or a week or maybe even a year. But it will sprout.

I know someone said they had not personally seen any success stories born of 'cheating', but I can vouch for several, my own included. And maybe the most important fact is that if you go through this together, it's almost certain that that option will never be an option for the future. It's like measles. Once you survive it, you never have to worry about it again - IF treated properly the first time. A blessing in disguise sometimes.

Good luck - keep us posted.

GS
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  #13  
Old 10-26-2010, 07:18 AM
Seekinganswer Seekinganswer is offline
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Thanks for all your kind support. GS, I am so glad to be here and will be here for a while. It was such a relief finally reading your explanation that resonates with what S felt. Last night we logged on together so that he could read your replies. Knowing that there are people who have been where we are makes us feel less alone with our situation. A couple of days after that post, S conciously took a step back and told me to just 'be'.. No more pressure although we get tense moments when I swing from a positive to negative emotions.

Rachelina: I think too that getting close to D(S's GF), will be helpful because I feel deep down that this matter is not one to be shoved under the rug and forgotten about. It wont be difficult to work on a friendship because she is a warm person I liked very much before I d day of the affair discovery. Today we are going to meet after 3 weeks of no contact and just talk. Both S and I are quite nervous about it because D has no idea about polyamory nor the spiritual aspect of S feelings for her. It feels like jumping off a precipice..

Like most you advised, opening up to what could be focus less on the negative feels brought on by the is helping alot. Best of all S understands that for now my mind can only handle as far as the first meeting. Will keep you posted
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  #14  
Old 10-29-2010, 10:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seekinganswer View Post
@redpepper... my emotions are up an down as I wrote here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4090

Somehow my own thread is dormant so Im responding to S and D's thread. I'd love to hear how others handled the doubt while trying to accept poly. It feels like Im just about to step off a cliff...
responding here as this is the thread I think you thought was dormant...

I think the whole thing takes time and patience and a whole lot of reading, and searching for commonalities with others. There are a lot of great resources. Most of which are mentioned on this forum if you do a search and look at things that interest you. I suggest all of you do that. Get to know the language, the values, the realities of different peoples journeys. You will find, I think, that you will slowly become accustom to acceptance and find your place within that...

tag searches for you to start off with would be "metamours" and "mono/ploy" I think... go tot he search engine on the forum and tag search for these and see what you find. I can think of a number of threads that might be useful...
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  #15  
Old 10-30-2010, 01:50 PM
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NeonKaos just bumped this up so others could find it. Hope it helps http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4082 .

Doubt is one of those nasty words!

I have all sorts of doubts, most having to do with deep seated stuff within my own self. I end up blogging either here or LJ, just letting the words flow by letting go of the conscience thought process. I'm amazed some times by what has really been bothering me, it certainly WASN'T what I thought it was.

How do I handle it? As I said, I blog it. I also talk to Breathes once I've figured out enough of it to be able to verbalize things. He sees things in a totally different way than I do so quite often sees an answer I don't.
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  #16  
Old 10-30-2010, 10:45 PM
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Quote:
I'd love to hear how others handled the doubt while trying to accept poly. It feels like Im just about to step off a cliff...
I know, it does feel like being about to step off a cliff! I think the way to handle the doubt is to accept the doubt itself, because it is normal. You won't be able to accept poly overnight; it will take time. Three months ago when I first found out about my husband's girlfriend I thought there is no way in the world this can possibly work. Even one month ago I was very much doubting it, and I still have a lot of doubts, but as time goes on I get more and more used to the idea, and even excited about it. Just keep communicating with both of them and let time do the rest.
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  #17  
Old 11-01-2010, 09:55 AM
Seekinganswer Seekinganswer is offline
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Default Can of worms or light?

Thanks Breathesgirl, interesting link, something that made me smile for the day.
@Rachelina: Yes, the doubts are many and often I ask myself whether our decision to move into a poly relationship will be a can of worms or light? S says that it really depends on my mindset. If I want to see poly as a can of light then that is what it will be for me. I guess patience and time will help to dispel the doubts.

The past week was testing the waters for us and for the better part of the week, I enjoyed the companionship and talks with S and D. We decided to try a weekend together which did not go as expected. D was tense wondering if I was comfortable with her presence in our home. S was trying to put her at ease half the time which made me feel like a third leg.Where was that compersion that I felt on our first meeting? Out the window and in with the doubt again. Somehow, every affectionate gesture S made towards D made me feel like a thousand needles pricking me and the pain enveloping my whole body bringing me right back to where this all started, d day. The next thing is to move into flight mode to salvage what I have of me left.... I asked myself why this warm and passionate person S had become has decided to reveal this side of himself now and not before. So maybe this is what HE needs to be completely happy and I have no right to keep him away from having D in his life. When this flight voice pops, fuelled by my doubt, I do not think about S's reassurances or explanations. I just want to be away from all this and maybe the pain would stop.

@ redpepper: thanks for the resources. I will check them out and learn as much as I can. Perhaps with more information will help me make sense of the situation and my emotions
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  #18  
Old 11-01-2010, 01:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seekinganswer View Post
...............
The past week was testing the waters for us and for the better part of the week, I enjoyed the companionship and talks with S and D. We decided to try a weekend together which did not go as expected. D was tense wondering if I was comfortable with her presence in our home. S was trying to put her at ease half the time which made me feel like a third leg.Where was that compersion that I felt on our first meeting? Out the window and in with the doubt again. Somehow, every affectionate gesture S made towards D made me feel like a thousand needles pricking me and the pain enveloping my whole body bringing me right back to where this all started, d day.
Hey Seeking,

It's ok - hold on. Your first trial went pretty much as expected for most people. It's just one of the hurdles you get past - nothing more. Try not to read more into it than it deserves.
He would NATURALLY have been concerned for your feelings and comfort. Ditto for her. That's bound to raise a certain tension level. Also natural for him (and you?) to be concerned for her comfort level and of course he felt some ethical obligation to try to ease that (affectionate gestures etc).

In an ideal world, all 3 of you would have had a discussion prior that went something like..............
"ok - this is going to be uncomfortable for ALL of us this first (and second or third) time. Lets understand right up front a lot of that discomfort is going to come from old programming and all COMMIT to calling that out and fighting through it. Let's try to only acknowledge any areas of discomfort that are coming from what we see - right now - in front of us. Not what's attached to the old paradigm.

We know these things. We just avoid verbalizing them. Which is counter productive. It's a new skill to master, but one that has a lot of uses in life in general.

Keep going. You're doing great so far.

From a guys perspective I might share something about him and his reaction that might be overlooked - or difficult to verbalize.
This new person, happiness level etc, that you sense in him may not be as connected to HER presence as you are assuming. Check with him on this. For myself, and many others I know, it's really more about a sudden insight into love & relationships itself. It's really a philosophical thing for those inclined that way. It's like there was this dream in the back of your mind about how life COULD operate that everyone always told you was impossible, only to find out you were lied to !
It's hard to explain...........it's a liberating type of confirmation maybe about what our spirit has always been telling us that society has been trying to refute.
Does that make any sense ????
It's very possibly not about her in particular at all ! It's the concept. Not to diminish her particular place/role, but neither is she the sole majik component.

Hope that helps ?

GS
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  #19  
Old 11-01-2010, 04:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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As this situation is still new to you a weekend together just seems like maybe it was too much too fast. Stick with shorter periods and give yourself time to recover/regroup inbetween meetings.
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  #20  
Old 11-01-2010, 09:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hey Seeking,

From a guys perspective I might share something about him and his reaction that might be overlooked - or difficult to verbalize.
This new person, happiness level etc, that you sense in him may not be as connected to HER presence as you are assuming. Check with him on this. For myself, and many others I know, it's really more about a sudden insight into love & relationships itself. It's really a philosophical thing for those inclined that way. It's like there was this dream in the back of your mind about how life COULD operate that everyone always told you was impossible, only to find out you were lied to !
It's hard to explain...........it's a liberating type of confirmation maybe about what our spirit has always been telling us that society has been trying to refute.
Does that make any sense ????
It's very possibly not about her in particular at all ! It's the concept. Not to diminish her particular place/role, but neither is she the sole majik component.

Hope that helps ?

GS
Actually this does make sense, at least to me. He's suddenly found ANOTHER comfortable pair of jeans & doesn't know which one to wear today.

Nearly a year ago Breathes & I were considering a particular person as a third for us. Things didn't work out for various reasons but while we were considering everything between the two of us was suddenly more passionate, more heady, more.....better? There was more sex, more talking, more everything. He had found someone else he was equally comfortable with so was able to let his guard down even further.

Just take things slowly, continue talking & having fun.
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