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  #81  
Old 11-05-2010, 09:18 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Thanks for your reply Mono, I didn't see it initially, only Rp's. You are really the only Mono I can think of who I thought might feel compersion. I agree it is slightly different from the generally accepted view of compersion but I think it qualifies in its own right.
You seem to see Rp's relationship with PN to be absolutely necessary for your relationship with her to exist. So maybe you're able to feel compersion for them because you see their relationship as unavoidable. I don't think many monos would feel that way.
GG feels compersion...
He almost never logs in-because he doesn't have time.
But if you want I can ask him to comment...
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Old 11-05-2010, 09:37 PM
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I'm poly-but I struggle with imbalance. If things are unbalanced in the relationship,
(in terms of me getting my needs met-not in terms of equal minutes of the day)
then I compersion goes right out the window emotionally.
I don't let my ACTIONS change. I won't STOP ACTING in a way that I would when feeling compersion.
But my feelings definitely hit the floor.

It's very important for me to get my needs met. MOST of my needs I can meet myself, but in a relationship there are needs that exist only pertinent to THAT relationship and those require both parties.

This is true with my brother/sister and I-not just lovers.

I NEED to be able to talk with them ALONE periodically. It's OUR relationship. If someone, anyone starts to impede that freedom-I become a psycho bitch.

Last night in fact we were talking about religion and the concept of "Love is my religion".
I agree that this is very much me.
But I commented, that if I don't get enough quality time with my sister (certainly the sweeter of the two of us) I lose my desire to be religious.
MEANING-that I lose my sense of love and compersion.....
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  #83  
Old 11-05-2010, 09:53 PM
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Thanks for all your thoughful and thought- provoking responses.

LR is GG mono? If so that is a second mono guy in a poly relationship who feels compersion. Interesting. Maybe when monos reach the place where they can feel compersion they often don't need forums anymore and so I'm only getting part of the picture.

Obviously I'm still a work-in-progress
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  #84  
Old 11-05-2010, 10:01 PM
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Yes ma'am. GG is VERY VERY mono.

Maca... he is very poly capable-but he tends to "want it for himself". He hasn't worked through the sharing me. He can share himself-but he gets jealous and insecure about sharing me.

GG on the other hand is ok with sharing me with Maca or K (my ex-girlfriend). He was ok with Maca and I being with Maca's girlfriend.
He gets qualms about me being with someone "random" but that's a non-issue, cause I have issues with that as well.

GG is NOT ok with sharing himself though. He is very uncomfortable with even participating in a 3-some situation. He can handle "stimulating" me with someone else's help, but anything that pertains to him getting it on... that just doesn't work for him....

He fell in love with me 17 years ago. He dated a few other women, he's been with like 6 total. The longest relationship he had was 6 months. He hasn't been with anyone but me in the last 11 years and he doesn't intend to be.
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  #85  
Old 11-05-2010, 10:22 PM
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Default Just a thought

I have never layed down in my bed at night and thought "I wish she was with me and not PN"....I have wished she was with me though. There is a difference.
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  #86  
Old 11-05-2010, 10:23 PM
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I have never layed down in my bed at night and thought "I wish she was with me and not PN"....I have wished she was with me though. There is a difference.
Yes, there is a huge difference. I understand precisely.
GG is the same way.
I actually am too. But I'm poly. :P
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Old 11-05-2010, 10:27 PM
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Yes, there is a huge difference. I understand precisely.
GG is the same way.
I actually am too. But I'm poly. :P
One day, I wanna be a poly...errr I mean a real boy.

Take care
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  #88  
Old 11-06-2010, 08:22 AM
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I'd really like to hear from any monos on here about how compersion works or doesn't work for them.
Sorry I am late coming in on this one sage. Although I don't really like the word , I believe that I feel compersion. I don't believe that we monos are incapable of it because of our "wiring". All human emotions are available to each one of us.
I am sure that OHb has felt it too, because of stuff that he has texted to me, and stuff we have said face to face. He is remarkably up front about his feelings.
I will probably think about this some more and maybe write more.
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  #89  
Old 11-06-2010, 08:11 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Default examination of feelings

This is not about the compersion debate, just a few thoughts I have that have been brewing in my head and thought might be useful to share; anybody please jump in.
I get quite a lot of time to examine my feelings and emotions since this thing started.
For a mono in a relationship with a poly a lot of bad feelings can arise if one is trying to desperately hold onto a monogamous world view. It is best to let go and just fly with it. You could be dead tomorrow anyway, choke on a hamburger or we could all get hit by an asteroid.
Nobody owns anybody.
But I am honoured that my beloved wants to share with me her life, our kids and her private parts. Cherish what you have when you have it.
Another thing I have found most useful for me is to separate feelings that are based on JEALOUSY and feelings that are based on PRIDE.
Jealousy is an absolutely USELESS emotion where poly is involved. Just discard it; you won't miss it.
Pride however is part of our sense of self worth. Especially, I would say, for a man. Sometimes when I feel a bit like my pride has been hurt then that is a useful indicator that my poly wife is not paying attention to my needs and we can talk about that.
I could probably think of some examples if peeps are a bit confused as to what I mean. But this has helped me sort out and deal with a lot, on my own without dragging my wife into arguments/ confrontations.
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  #90  
Old 11-06-2010, 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Jealousy is an absolutely USELESS emotion where poly is involved. Just discard it; you won't miss it
Ahhh if it was only that easy.
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