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  #61  
Old 11-03-2010, 05:12 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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@sage- "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Physical Touch
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Sevice
5. Quality Time

Not any communication in there, but if words of aff, fits, maybe that?

@Vokafan- Isn't sex communication? Talk/sex hmmm, what to pick?!

What does your sig mean? I certainly say sorry to Mono... Geesh. Do tell.
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-05-2010 at 05:58 AM.
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  #62  
Old 11-03-2010, 07:49 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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ha I was a bit angry when I came up with that signature line...that's how it seems sometimes.

Sex is certainly an important channel of communication....but it's not the only one.
I should have wrote more on the background to things....one of the problems is that I am working two extra nights overtime up to Christmas. I have to sleep during the day. So on those days she will wake me up to make love (when the kids are at school) so I don't miss out that way, but we have no time to talk about anything...the fact is my 4 days, which I was only just getting comfortable with, is now effectively cut down to 2...I spend five nights at work away from her and emotionally it feels like a desert.

We did talk a couple of days ago and I told her I needed the goodnight phone call every night (I got that idea from people on here) and just generally I was not feeling like we were in our own romantic bubble that we have painstakingly built up these past 3 months. I don't want to lose that good feeling.

She tells me that at the weekend she has been to this restaraunt or that place with OHb...I am not jealous but I feel I am missing out on all the nice stuff. There is no balance at the moment. My life is pretty much just work and feeling tired. She does apppreciate what I am doing but it is frustrating when I don't have quality time with her.
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  #63  
Old 11-03-2010, 09:19 PM
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I am actually finding that sig offensive at the moment. If you were to change it to indicate that is YOUR thought so as to make it less inclusive of all poly people I would find it less like you are bashing poly people I think.

On the unfortunate consequence of your work life, it sounds a little like you are being placated and that she thinks all she has to do is fuck you and you will be satisfied. Having assumed this stance in the past I began to feel more like a sex trade worker than a partner and it began to widdle away at my self worth. Even though it was my misconception about what a man needs. I didn't get paid either. Maybe you should spend more time masterbating for a bit and more time using those precious moments to connect by talking and having some nice dates planned. Even if its a home date of having a glass of wine and a cheese and chocolate plate. Low music, dress up. Sometimes that goes a lot further than a silent fuck and a kiss goodnight. Just a thought.
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  #64  
Old 11-03-2010, 11:04 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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I will change the sig.

dates are extraordinarily difficult. Part of the reason our marriage got into difficulties was the strain of my work hours which ground us both down over the years. We have a big family and at nightime the kids are always around.
The housework involved with 6 kids is relentless, shopping, meals, washing, drying and sorting clothes, then when the kids are home it is homework then getting them into bed.
Our best time is during the day. We do what we can. I think you are right I am being placated, at the moment, but as long as we can communicate and stay in our bubble I think things will find their own level.
I feel like our love is a living, fluid thing now that I have to watch and cherish.
To be honest somedays when she wakes me up after a 14 hour night shift I don't feel very "porn star" !!
Bless her. She just doesn't want me to miss out

PS I don't have time to masturbate these days.
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  #65  
Old 11-03-2010, 11:56 PM
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Hi Seeking ~

I totally understand the feeling cut up inside when you see the affection/love expression "live" from your SO to his other partner. Whoa.... it has been so hard for me too, and I can't tell you yet whether it gets better, because though I had an experience of it a few months ago (mostly watching him look deeply into her eyes and say something vulnerable - which was KILLER! but also good in a way, like a sad opening accepting expanding moment of acceptance i think, for me). But since then, I haven't seen much of it, or maybe what I have seen I'm not "reading into" too much (the non-verbal things).... but still, I think it's normal to react the way you/I do.... but I can't say if it gets better, because I'm in the early stages too.... I hope it does. I spoke to a dear friend across the country who was having the parallel experience as me at the same time and she was totally like (about the deep eye gazing, when she saw her SO look at the new partner like that) " STOOOOOOOOOPPPPP THAT!!!!" (in her mind).

it's hard.... like you, i have felt like "THE" woman... and actually uncovered a "survival circuit" that sounds like "I get my security from being the "only one"" and have worked a lot on that to be able to be where i am today...

best wishes
- marta
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  #66  
Old 11-04-2010, 04:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
I will change the sig.
um, that was 4 hours ago.... waaaaitting
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  #67  
Old 11-04-2010, 05:38 AM
Seekinganswer Seekinganswer is offline
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Thanks Marta,

I know that "looking deep in the eyes" thing. It feels almost surreal because I have to get my mind to click that S has this deep feeling for someone else. Still, I'd rather have them comfortable together with there so that we maintain the openness. Any other way would be pretense that it is not happening and thats not what we want.

I do hope the cut up feeling dissipates with time. Thanks for caring
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  #68  
Old 11-04-2010, 05:52 PM
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Yes, seeking... I am with you on wanting to accept that his connection/love for this other person is true and real instead of pretending it's not. And being there, present, seeing some of it helps me a lot too.
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  #69  
Old 11-05-2010, 05:34 AM
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Default Compersion for monos.

An online friend of mine suggested that compersion may be impossible for monos to achieve. I was initially taken aback. I thought that I was getting close to compersion in that at my best I can feel a deep satisfaction that I am coping with polyamory in my life and not going nuts. I also love how Z is after he comes back from being with his SO.
But then it struck me that these responses are actually all about me which isn't really the idea around compersion. Another friend (these are the kinds of discussions us monos have) suggested that a mono feeling compersion is akin to a vegetarian feeling joy at a loved one eating a huge steak. She's actually right that's exactly how it feels for me.

I'd really like to hear from any monos on here about how compersion works or doesn't work for them.
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  #70  
Old 11-05-2010, 06:02 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post

I'd really like to hear from any monos on here about how compersion works or doesn't work for them.
Hmmm..compersion. I must admit I feel genuine compersion for what RP and PN have. Why is that though? Why was it so automatic for me? Perhaps because it is not compersion at all. Perhaps it is because my sense of healthiness comes from seeing that I am not a negative for them. Perhaps it is because the health of their family unit, wife, husband and son is so paramount to me that it completely eradicates my own mono tendencies. Keep in mind that although I am constantly promoting the well being of their relationship and enjoy knowing they are phyisically and emotionally intimate, the mere idea of Redpepper enjoying those same things with another man makes me want to simply be her friend. I have no compersion for even the idea of that. From that perspective I have no sense of compersion at all. What I experience is probably more from a sense of value for marriage and families in general. I also had the same sense of concern for the woman I had an affair with. I felt no jealousy towards her husband and promoted them trying to reconnect and be physical. I was already partially prepared to share a married woman as odd as that sounds. I have a friend who also had an affair with a married woman and he felt no jealousy towards her husband but lost his mind when he found out she had other boyfriends. Again...not really compersion but something that allows a mono to share a lover.

So, in short, what I generally refer to as compersion comes from a much different place and is a very individual specific emotion. It's not the classic compersion pollies talk about. But it is pure and makes it second nature to share Redpepper with PN.
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