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  #41  
Old 10-27-2010, 04:11 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Lately, I have been steping out of my comfort zone a bit and it feels great, it also scares the shit out of me. Everyone, needs some of their own friends and activites that have nothing to do with their spouse or SO. This is not to say our friends can't meet or even hang out with our spouse, but your best friends should not be your spouse's friends first.
Great post! Happy to hear you're getting out on your own a bit. It is REALLY important (especially for women- not trying to sound sexist here but I definitely think we are the more social sex of the species) to have your own network of friends. YOU (and when I say you I mean WE) need outlets other than our spouse and children. I remember when my kids were young and I had gone to working parttime so that I could be home with them, I definitely relied on my single and "connected" friends to keep me interesting. I lived vicariously. I swear I felt for about 5 years that my mind was turning to mush- I knew every Barney song and couldn't tell you any current news issue. Anyway I actually started feeling inadequate, uninteresting, so I reconnected. I needed to feel part of life outside of my house, my own mind. My volunteerism went from school only activities to causes or campaigns that I felt were important- OUTSIDE of my kids. I honestly think it makes me a more engaging and interesting person to anyone not just my husband and bf. I love music and art and theater and I just started attending these things on my own or with people who enjoyed the same activity. My husband not always shared that interest. I love being creative and active and expressive- so why stifle that part of me so that I could attend endless pizza parties or organized school activities. They weren't my friends or people I would normally associate with- they were the parents of my children's friends. There is something seriously destructive to your individuality when you feel compelled to mold or only socialize with your spouse's friends or children's friends' parents. Not that you should avoid these situations or knowing these people- just don't make them the only social contacts in your life. Independence doesn't mean disconnect, it means freedom to choose who, when and how you spend your very precious time and energy.
Just a thought.
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  #42  
Old 10-27-2010, 10:54 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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Just wanted to pop in and say I totally relate to this thread.

My wife, Michelle, is poly. I'm... I'm not. I tried to have a thing with a girl (I've referred to as Bree previously), but she couldn't deal with the married man thing, freaked out, and quit talking to me.

Bree's talking to me again (text and email, anyway). It's funny, there's still this obvious attraction, and the conversation has gotten sexy and affectionate more than once, but last night when I tried to push to actually discuss my relationship with Michelle and how Michelle and I could amicably separate to accommodate a relationship with Bree, the conversation got tense and cold, and she said "we aren't what we were and we will not be." She didn't even let me explain how Michelle and I feel. It feels disrespectful for her to be like that.

I'm so frustrated and lonely. I love Michelle, but I want so very badly some of the NRE she's had. Michelle's moved on from her long-distance boyfriend (I referred to him as Ralph) because he's a bit self-centered and immature. She now has a local boyfriend I'll call Chris, who, from the sound of him, is awesome. I really am happy for Michelle... but that doesn't assuage my own loneliness.

I don't particularly "feel" poly, and I would prefer to be dating a single girl, but I don't know how to even go about meeting one who would be okay with the fact that I'm currently married. I know exactly one girl who I know views me as sexy and attractive in multiple dimensions, but, contrary to the signals she's sending, she apparently doesn't want to pursue anything.

It's such a catch-22. I love my wife and kids, but I want more. I can't have what I want unless my wife and I transition away from our marriage. I don't want to transition away from our marriage unless I have something (other than being alone) to transition to. Which brings me back to loving the wife and kids but wanting more.

I guess I'll just get used to loneliness. Sigh.
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  #43  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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TRG. I think most mono's here may agree, or may not. But not being able to find someone to date is different than being completely incapable of being with multiple loves.

Quote:
My wife, Michelle, is poly. I'm... I'm not. I tried to have a thing with a girl (I've referred to as Bree previously), but she couldn't deal with the married man thing, freaked out, and quit talking to me
Quote:
It's such a catch-22. I love my wife and kids, but I want more. I can't have what I want unless my wife and I transition away from our marriage.
...If you go back and read some of the things Mono has said about his feelings on being very monogamous, its the polar opposite of ever wanting anyone else. It reads like you could be poly but haven't found your "other(s)" yet

Quote:
I know exactly one girl who I know views me as sexy and attractive in multiple dimensions, but, contrary to the signals she's sending, she apparently doesn't want to pursue anything.
Shes a flirt. Lots of girls flirt, and love to flirt but really don't want anything. Lots of girls also love to flirt with married men, we are safe and disarming. Just a fact of life. Doesn't mean all girls who flirt actually want anything to happen.

I might be wrong, I am just going by what I read there.

Ari
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  #44  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatRomanticGeek View Post
I guess I'll just get used to loneliness. Sigh.
Glass-half-empty much?
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  #45  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:14 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Glass-half-empty much?
Okay, I deserve that.

But the thing is, I don't really dig on poly girls. That's why I claim to be mono, because that's what I want. So I really do feel like I'm trapped.
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  #46  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:22 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatRomanticGeek View Post
I'm so frustrated and lonely. I love Michelle, but I want so very badly some of the NRE she's had.
Quote:
It's such a catch-22. I love my wife and kids, but I want more. I can't have what I want unless my wife and I transition away from our marriage. I don't want to transition away from our marriage unless I have something (other than being alone) to transition to. Which brings me back to loving the wife and kids but wanting more.
You would give up your wife for some NRE? What happens when the NRE goes away, and it always does eventually?

If you can love your wife and another, that is poly. That you prefer mono women, there is nothing wrong with that. However, what it sounds like is that you are still stuck on ONE mono woman and translating that to everyother woman you may meet. Do you really think Bree would happily just accept you back if you divorced your wife?
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  #47  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:28 PM
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I'm confused. You are identifying as mono because you haven't found a lover who is mono? I have a boyfriend that is mono, that doesn't make me mono. Not that you can't identify as you are fit, but isn't it a mixed message to say you are mono to a potential date when you have a wife?
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  #48  
Old 10-27-2010, 11:29 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatRomanticGeek View Post
Okay, I deserve that.

But the thing is, I don't really dig on poly girls. That's why I claim to be mono, because that's what I want. So I really do feel like I'm trapped.
Whats your take on poly girls? They are as diverse as any group I have been in. My wife is a hippy and my gf is a cowgirl. I know of right wing to left wing, to comicon to communal types. Its a huge range of people, its just unfortunately that poly is very hidden sometimes

Is the problem you want to find a woman to commit to you? Where poly girls won't offer that monogamous mindset?

In either case, not being able to find someone to fill that need does not make you "not" poly. It just means you haven't found someone to be poly with.
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  #49  
Old 10-28-2010, 12:53 AM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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You would give up your wife for some NRE? What happens when the NRE goes away, and it always does eventually?
Why should Michelle get NRE and I don't? Compersion is fine, but it's not selfish of me to want something more for myself.

Quote:
If you can love your wife and another, that is poly. That you prefer mono women, there is nothing wrong with that. However, what it sounds like is that you are still stuck on ONE mono woman and translating that to everyother woman you may meet. Do you really think Bree would happily just accept you back if you divorced your wife?
Yes, I am still stuck on one mono woman because she's the only mono woman I've found that will even talk to me once they find out I'm married. Happily accept me after a rash divorce? No, that's not even what I want. But date me under the presumption that if we turn serious, it can be the long term thing she wants? Yes, that's what I want from her.

Quote:
I'm confused. You are identifying as mono because you haven't found a lover who is mono? I have a boyfriend that is mono, that doesn't make me mono. Not that you can't identify as you are fit, but isn't it a mixed message to say you are mono to a potential date when you have a wife?
I'm identifying as mono because I have no interest in being poly. Michelle may be out of the closet as a poly, and I deal with it because I love her and I love our kids. I wouldn't ask her to change, and I wouldn't tolerate it if she did. I've spent our entire relationship trying to get her to quit being what other people want her to be and just be herself. But I don't want polyamory. Not for me, not for a partner.

Is that a good enough reason for me to just up and leave? Fuck no. I don't want to be alone, and I don't think this misalignment between me and Michelle is enough of a reason to rearrange our lives in and of itself. Other than me feeling lonely, everybody's happy.

Quote:
Is the problem you want to find a woman to commit to you? Where poly girls won't offer that monogamous mindset?
Yep.
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  #50  
Old 10-28-2010, 06:23 AM
marta marta is offline
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Hi all,

I'm new here, but have been reading for a few hours and know at least one of you from the mono/poly yahoo group. i'm really enjoying this thread and so relate to much of it.

jane - "If my fiances girls are poly and love him and others, don't they understand him better then I do then? Why would he not be happier in a relationship where who he is doesn't make his fiance cry?"

i SO relate to this fear, and have cried a bunch about it earlier this year. One thing that helps me is asking R, my beloved partner, if that sounds true to him. The other thing, like Sage said (hi sage! ) is about the self-esteem/letting the love in : i think, if he's choosing you it's because of who you are and i also like to think 1) we're worth the extra 'work' to be with, so that's something! and 2) if we're the only ones being sexually exclusive, among other poly girlfriends, we're giving him something no one else is. And in my case, I know that is valued by him.

I echo lots of the other things that have been shared.

the other piece i want to comment on here is about struggling with the poly - the voice in me that feels terrible or bad about not having an easy peasy time with sharing him. such a harsh voice in me! currently i'm working on this, and i appreciate what others have written about how important it is to accept and love and see as valid all those "struggling emotions".

today i had a little breakthrough with our conselor that sounds a lot like another post (sorry not remembering whose) : this weekend i felt triggered because R stayed up way late reading/talking with K, and i was so angry because i haven't gotten the reading/ face-to-face focus time i want. and then i feel BAD for wanting that or asking him for it, because i'm afraid he'll think i'm just whining and not appreciating all the attention i DO get from him, so then i'm stuck.

today i learned that i can tell him "hey i'm afraid of telling you that i want more of this/that because ___________" and then move onto saying the scary and vulnerable want piece.

i'll have more to say about that soon, but this is getting long!

I have other replies to other pieces and think this is such a juicy topic.

- marta
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