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  #31  
Old 10-25-2010, 06:50 PM
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Listen to this lady MG MOB, she is very wise and helped me in resolving my mono/poly issues. This forum draws a great deal of it's power to help from the fact that we all give insights to others from our own unique experience. MG's is very different from mine, in a way it's the other side of the coin. It all goes to give a very beautiful, solid and valuable coin which contributes to the currency of polyamory, which I also believe can be beautiful, solid and valuable.
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  #32  
Old 10-25-2010, 06:59 PM
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Default They are my life ...

I am seeing a recurring theme with those struggling the most, usually the mono spouse. Over and over I keep seeing, "they are my life", "I have no life without them", "I gave up my friends/activities for them", etc. Basically you married this person you are calling your life and gave up everything that made you the person they fell in love with. This cannot be healthy for any marriage, poly or not.

The women I have known that have been too afraid to leave an abusive or cheating husband have all said these very same words. This is a concept I don't understand and find extremely destructive.

I willingly admit to putting my own interests, friends and activities aside. The only people I spent any time with were my husbands friends or associated with him in his activities. For me this had more to do with my stress levels, what I thought I was supposed to be doing (work, kids activities, homework, husbands activities, and no money) and my own isolationist tendencies, not because I thought my husband wanted me to. When I came to this realization and told him about it, he was shocked and very disturbed. The first thing he said to me was, "What can I do to help?" He made a point to bring it up to our marriage councilor. I think it did explain some of my unhappiness and frequent bouts of depression all of which contributed to our failing marriage.

Lately, I have been steping out of my comfort zone a bit and it feels great, it also scares the shit out of me. Everyone, needs some of their own friends and activites that have nothing to do with their spouse or SO. This is not to say our friends can't meet or even hang out with our spouse, but your best friends should not be your spouse's friends first.

Last edited by SNeacail; 10-25-2010 at 07:02 PM.
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  #33  
Old 10-26-2010, 08:37 AM
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A newbie to the board sent me a private message because she was not sure where to place her post on the board. Because it is a general sort of question I thought it would fit well here and the discussion of it could help others. She has said she is happy for me to post the crux of her situation and I hope she comes onto the board and involves herself.

Quote:
"My fiance is polyamorous and has been honest about that since the start of our relationship, however the entire concept is new to me. He has had two girlfriends while we are together, and both have ended poorly - however even while they were healthy - I felt very uncomfortable.

He is now entering into another relationship with a girl - who seems very nice. But is still hurts me. I have no issues with the concept of poly, but so far it hasn't suited me. My fiance and I get along fabulously, and have great communication - and I am not willing to throw away our relationship over this difference. However, whenever I voice the physical and emotional discomfort that I have over his polyamory, I feel like I am keeping him from being who he is (which is not fair), and if I sit back and try to cope - I just hurt, physically and emotionally and I don't think that that is fair either. I don't know if there is such thing as a compromise in this situation." end quote.

Ok I totally get where you're coming from I felt exactly the same way in the beginning and it made me miserable. My partner encouraged me to express how I was feeling and I think that's really important. You say that when you voice your concerns you feel like you're stopping him from being who he is. Does he make you feel like that? It would surprise me if he does because you also say you have great communication. I think it's probably only what you're thinking.

A much more useful way to look at your relationship is as if it's a basket which you each fill with parts of yourselves. Your monogamy and associated feelings have just as much right to be in the basket as his polyamory. You try to be as understanding of his polyamory and if he loves you and is committed to
you (which he must be because you're engaged), he will be understanding of your feelings of discomfort and try to move at a pace that isn't too painful for you. Working through this can actually be quite lovely and has really deepened our relationship.

Having said that I do think maybe poly could be easier when you're older and have already done
the monogamous marriage and kids etc. Having done it I know that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

I hope this has opened up a dialogue which you can continue on here and get as much support as you need.

Last edited by sage; 10-26-2010 at 09:09 AM.
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  #34  
Old 10-26-2010, 02:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
MyOB- Is it possible for you to let go of an idea? The future is something that cannot be planned. We all have ideas of what we would like our future to be. Here is the thing- sometimes it happens in that manner and sometimes it doesn't. The thing is she plans on being in your future. Why does having the picket fence mean keeping her within the confines of that fence? Isn't it better to think of it as when she has been on a journey, she runs to that picket fence and throws open the gate and has you to share her adventures, her time, her love. She loves you. No matter what she experiences on the other side of the fence her love for you will remain. You are very brave in your willingness to understand that she needs to roam a bit. She needs to visit with another love. You will always be a comfort she seeks, a love she needs. You are also wise in knowing that not trying to work with it (polyamory) is more of a detriment than trying to preserve an idea of the future. yes?
MyOB she is not hurting you. She is being who she is. You are looking at it as a deliberate or uncaring behavior. Look at it as another side of the woman you love. Accept it as you would any characteristic. Would you prefer she go back to her unnatural state of monogamy and you be perceived as the one who is causing hurt? Would you think that is a fair assessment that you are selfish and causing your love pain? No I am sure you would not. You seem to be a selfless natured guy. You seem to be a bit unhappy or feeling inadequate at the moment. Her love is not the cause of your insecurity, you need to find what is. She is who she is. Find peace in knowing that she WANTS you to be part of all that she is. Sincere best wishes for happiness.
That was an exceptionally good post. Dead on.
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  #35  
Old 10-26-2010, 02:37 PM
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That was an exceptionally good post. Dead on.
I agree, good post
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  #36  
Old 10-26-2010, 04:25 PM
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Hello - I am the newbie that Sage mentioned. I am glad that I found this site, as there seems to be a wealth of support and information here. I have tried to talk to some of my friends about this, but they just look at me like I am insane and change the subject.

Thank you Sage for your advice, you are right he does not tell me that I am keeping him from who he is by being upset, and encourages me to tell him how I am feeling. He has even said that he would leave his girlfriends for me if that is what it takes to keep me, but I don't really want him to do that, as that is who he is. A wonderful man full of love, for me and (fortunately or unfortunately ??) for others. I comprehend the benefits of poly, the support, that love for another does not subtract from your own, that people are naturally curious and that one person can not be your whole life - you need friends, family, work, yourself and everything for balance. And so why is loving two (or more) people a taboo? And why is it so hard and so painful for me?

I can sympathize well with MyotherB's post a while back. About feeling the security of your relationship drifting aware, the fear of being replaced. If my fiances girls are poly and love him and others, don't they understand him better then I do then? Why would he not be happier in a relationship where who he is doesn't make his fiance cry?

Very very confused, frustrated and scared. But hopeful as from what I hear, if we persevere this pays off.. (and from my parents, previous relationships, friends experiences etc monogomy and the straight and narrow way of life gets old fast - at least in this relationship we are honest with what will happen from the start.

Sorry for the long rant -
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  #37  
Old 10-26-2010, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane View Post
I can sympathize well with MyotherB's post a while back. About feeling the security of your relationship drifting aware, the fear of being replaced. If my fiances girls are poly and love him and others, don't they understand him better then I do then? Why would he not be happier in a relationship where who he is doesn't make his fiance cry?
Hi Jane and welcome to the forum
In my experiences polys have exactly the same fears. I know mine does and it's actually much easier for a mono to find another mono to love than for a poly to find polys to love (the pool is so much bigger).

The poly relationships don't give your partner what your relationship does and he obviously loves you in a way that has him wanting to share his life with you.

Getting myself to accept this was a major. It's a very good lesson in growing your self-esteem. Thinking about it now I can see that it takes a greater self-esteem to deal with because our poly partner is consciously choosing to be with us. They are not with us because they have locked themselves into a mono marriage where they have not options but to cheat or leave. Or even the mono committed relationship game where to have someone love you you both have to fore-sake all others. I don't think I have expressed this last bit very well but I'll leave it and take from it what you will.

Glad to have you here.
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  #38  
Old 10-26-2010, 07:37 PM
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Poly people cry for all the same reasons; including because of our fear of losing our partner, fearing they might love someone more, fearing we are hurting them and what we have with them because of differences. There is really no difference. We are the same in so many ways. Love style does not indicate level of fears really. At least to me.
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  #39  
Old 10-26-2010, 07:56 PM
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Here is a thread I wrote almost a year and a half ago specifically dealing with fears of loss in mono/poly relationships. Maybe it will help

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181
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  #40  
Old 10-26-2010, 09:36 PM
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Thank you all- I have spent the last couple hours just reading a variety of posts on this forum and it has all helped me to realize that what I am feeling is NORMAL and not wrong. Seeing that other people have made poly work and/or poly/mono relationships work also helps. (although like any other relationship takes work and has its up and downs). As I said the entire concept is new to me and I don't have anyone in person (beside my man) to bounce ideas off of.

I suppose right now for me it doesn't help that my fiance and I live in different cites (only a 3 hour drive, and we see each other on weekends, but still) and he and his girlfriend spend almost everyday together. We try to keep out lines of communication open, and talk every day - but I feel even more left out then I think I would if I could live with my fiance - if that makes sense? (But we have made it 17 months like this and only 3 more to go! ( I go to university in a different city).
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