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  #21  
Old 10-23-2010, 05:08 AM
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@MyotherB: Glad to here

Just looked it up, you wife is only about 5-10 miles from me.
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  #22  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:04 AM
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Yay for you MyotherB.

I am so pleased things are going well...... I was uplifted by your posts and I'm grateful, thankyou.
I am pleased beyond words that I have provided something of value to you. these boards have been like a lighthouse for me over these last few days. I can't imagine trying to navigate all this alone.

@SNeacail, I could probably find out where they are staying for ya. Judging from the phone call earlier, they are about to have the best party in town.
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  #23  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:13 AM
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Doesn't help that to keep her happy over the last 7 years, I basically torpedoed my social life, so all I have to do while she is out is watch the kids.
If I had a dime for every time I have heard this similar sentiment on this forum I would be a rich woman today...

the thing is that people allow this to happen. It is possible to create a balance and create new boundaries that are more balanced... you both brought kids into the world and are both responsible for them... if there is a balance then you can go out and spend some time with your friends... you SHOULD be spending time with your friends. Its healthy to I think.
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  #24  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:07 AM
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If I had a dime for every time I have heard this similar sentiment on this forum I would be a rich woman today...

the thing is that people allow this to happen. It is possible to create a balance and create new boundaries that are more balanced... you both brought kids into the world and are both responsible for them... if there is a balance then you can go out and spend some time with your friends... you SHOULD be spending time with your friends. Its healthy to I think.

Couldn't agree more. This is currently my focus for fixing me.


Just need some friends to spend time with first Should be managable. I am pretty awesome, when I remember not to suck
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Last edited by MyotherB; 10-23-2010 at 07:22 AM.
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  #25  
Old 10-23-2010, 07:52 AM
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Couldn't agree more. This is currently my focus for fixing me.


Just need some friends to spend time with first Should be managable. I am pretty awesome, when I remember not to suck
how about being your own friend first, go and do something you love maybe, on your own.
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  #26  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:54 AM
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I know P can't replace me. So we do I have so much fear and empty tonight? Is it because he took her to do something she loves, and I feel replaced in the moment?
Is it because of the recent realization of how pathetic my own life is with her removed from me?
I am so scared. I can't explain it. I always used to see us sitting on a porch swing 50 years from now, laughing at each other as we fall apart, and asking her if she remembers where I left my teeth.... and I feel like it is slipping away.
There is this part of me that wishes "I'd never let this happen", But deep down, I know that either I let her be who she is, or lose her forever.
My bed is going to be so cold tonight, I don't want to sleep.
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  #27  
Old 10-25-2010, 06:01 AM
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It will take time MyotherB, time... try and let the future you are thinking of go and just breath through it... time changes everything and all will be revealed. Now is the time to wrap yourself in self love and reflect on your own path, while keeping hers in mind.
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  #28  
Old 10-25-2010, 06:26 AM
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I don't want to let it go. I want our life to be the way I thought it was going to be. I feel like my white picket fence is evaporating before my eyes.
I am probably overreacting. I know she loves me, but it feels so far away, and.... compromised? Why do I love someone so much that I can't make her stop hurting me?
I had to call her today and remind her to wish our son "Happy Birthday". I feel like she is falling away from us.

I need to re-center. I need to mix me. I'm just not sure how.

Thanks for listnening to me breaking up. It helps.
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  #29  
Old 10-25-2010, 08:49 AM
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All this is pretty much par for the course when coming to terms with polyamory, especially for monos I'm afraid. Initial successes and glimpses of the positives can lull us into a false sense of being more together than we really are. It's a process and it helped me to look at it as being a period of ramped up self-growth.

I started posting on here and also started my own blog (link in signature). You might find reading about some of my struggles and insights useful. It does get easier but you have to be patient and be prepared for a few growing pains.

It sounds like what you are going through at the moment is a grieving process for the marriage you had before polyamory. It won't be the same and I don't know if you can successfully go back, but you can aim for a relationship moving forward that is wonderful and still has you growing old together in it.

Sorry I can't remember how old this other relationship is but it sounds like there could be some NRE going on. I think there are some threads tagged on how to deal with that.

It will get easier, take care.
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  #30  
Old 10-25-2010, 05:03 PM
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MyOB- Is it possible for you to let go of an idea? The future is something that cannot be planned. We all have ideas of what we would like our future to be. Here is the thing- sometimes it happens in that manner and sometimes it doesn't. The thing is she plans on being in your future. Why does having the picket fence mean keeping her within the confines of that fence? Isn't it better to think of it as when she has been on a journey, she runs to that picket fence and throws open the gate and has you to share her adventures, her time, her love. She loves you. No matter what she experiences on the other side of the fence her love for you will remain. You are very brave in your willingness to understand that she needs to roam a bit. She needs to visit with another love. You will always be a comfort she seeks, a love she needs. You are also wise in knowing that not trying to work with it (polyamory) is more of a detriment than trying to preserve an idea of the future. yes?
MyOB she is not hurting you. She is being who she is. You are looking at it as a deliberate or uncaring behavior. Look at it as another side of the woman you love. Accept it as you would any characteristic. Would you prefer she go back to her unnatural state of monogamy and you be perceived as the one who is causing hurt? Would you think that is a fair assessment that you are selfish and causing your love pain? No I am sure you would not. You seem to be a selfless natured guy. You seem to be a bit unhappy or feeling inadequate at the moment. Her love is not the cause of your insecurity, you need to find what is. She is who she is. Find peace in knowing that she WANTS you to be part of all that she is. Sincere best wishes for happiness.
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