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  #221  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:30 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by Mookitten View Post
You are right. You are absolutely right. I will speak up. If he doesn't like it or refuses to compromise or try and ease things on me then I shouldn't stay. We should want this equally.
Most definitely!
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  #222  
Old 12-01-2011, 03:56 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Another thing to think about -- people respect people who respect themselves. You feel like you don't have much to offer as a partner... that's not true, everyone has a unique and valuable heart, body and mind to share, BUT... if you're incapable of standing up for yourself, you actually *do* have less to give because you're not building a two-way relationship you're just passively accepting what you're given. It's a little counter-intuitive, because standing up for yourself can in fact lead to rejection, but it makes you a far more valuable partner in the end. And if he does reject you for expressing your needs then what sort of person is he, really?

No one can give you the right words to say, unfortunately, because we're not in the situation ourselves. However, you can probably find many good starting places for conversations by reading through www.morethantwo.com, which covers a myriad of poly topics. It may also help to spend a little time defining what you each mean by various terms. "Primary" or "lover" might mean different things to each of you, and if you don't know that you're not really communicating.

Good luck!
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  #223  
Old 12-01-2011, 04:42 PM
Mookitten Mookitten is offline
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Thanks, Annabel.

I really like that site you showed me. Maybe I'll send him the link to it so maybe he can read some stuff for himself. ( as he likes to show me a definition list and then tell me that's what poly's about, maybe it's time I show him what I've learned!)

Signing up for this site has been the best thing I've done. I'm really glad that I'm not only getting to talk to people who may have been in my situation, but others from other aspects who can help me out.

It was really tough trying to figure things out on my own, with no reference.

I'm going to try and speak with him when I see him, and discuss where our relationship is going, and ask for some compromises to help me out in this difficult situation.

And, I'm hoping I get a positive reaction from him, and I hope he is willing to really make the effort to try and help me through his lifestyle, and create something I can feel a little more comfortable with.

It has always been about me making things better for him, but never for myself. It's time I try to actually get something done for me.


Thank you all. I'll keep you guys updated.

Last edited by Mookitten; 12-01-2011 at 04:48 PM.
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  #224  
Old 12-01-2011, 06:00 PM
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rory rory is offline
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It has always been about me making things better for him, but never for myself. It's time I try to actually get something done for me.
A very good attitude!
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  #225  
Old 12-01-2011, 07:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
... you can probably find many good starting places for conversations by reading through www.morethantwo.com, which covers a myriad of poly topics.
And that link is not in your signature because... ???
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #226  
Old 12-02-2011, 06:58 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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A boundary is more like an agreement to me, rather than a guideline. When someone tells me what their boundaries are they are asking me to agree not to cross them. I can either agree not to or say what my boundaries are and see if we can meet in the middle. If we can't, as is the case with a lot of mono/poly relationships, then that is compromising to me. I can compromise my boundaries for only so long. Compromising feels uncomfortable and feeling uncomfortable doesn't feel good for long periods of time. Ultimatums are, as was said before, "either you do this or its over." There is no room for ultimatums in poly I don't think... or vetos... which are essentially saying the same thing as an ultimatum but are usually mutually agreed upon before anyone needs to make an ultimatum.

I don't find morethantwo any better than a whole slew of other sites on line. I'm not sure I get the constant reference. I think it should be in your sig Annabel. It kinda makes you look like you are the writer or something though... I'm not sure I understand your investment in Franklin's stuff. For another thread perhaps? Sorry for the derailment.
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  #227  
Old 12-02-2011, 07:13 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Mookitten, I'm glad to see that you're seeing the wisdom in standing up for yourself. A relationship with someone is a two-way street: you give to him, and he gives to you.

If, as a result of standing up for yourself, the relationship ends, then it ends. It will hurt for awhile, but the world will keep turning, the sun will keep coming up, and in time, you WILL find someone else. It most certainly does NOT mean that you are any kind of failure or that you are unworthy in some way.

Remember what I told you earlier? A confident woman is *sexy*. Confident women make me melt. Confident women make my knees go wobbly. Confident women take my breath away. Just the thought of kissing a confident woman sends a frisson through me.

Be a confident woman (but do it for yourself, not for some schmuck on the internet whom you haven't even met!).

MT
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  #228  
Old 12-05-2011, 02:10 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Does anyone know the status of Sage? I haven't seen her around in while.

Last I heard she was going to fully embrace the poly lifestyle and find an additional partner(s).
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  #229  
Old 12-05-2011, 03:48 AM
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Hi dinged heart
I'm busy with work and study so polyamory has taken a back seat. I tried ok Cupid but it made me very unsettled and I could see it threatening my relationship with Z because part of me still longed for that perfect mono love. So both of us took down our profiles and Z agreed to keep his polyamory as minimal as possible. He has his long distance love who he sees a few times a year and that's it. It's a compromise for us both but it seems to be working, hence I really have nothing to write about. Best wishes to all xxx Sage
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  #230  
Old 12-05-2011, 04:47 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
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Best wishes to all xxx Sage
I wondered what happened to you Sage..so I read your blog Take care and be well my friend
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