The Struggling Mono Thread

[sage]

Hi LostRane

Well guess what? I have been in a poly/mono relationship for three years. I blog about it on www.polyamorouspeople.com I've even written an e-book on it, and I still wonder if I'm cut out for it, so you aren't alone. Most of us, if not all of us on this journey have these thoughts from time to time but if the relationship is strong and you are both working at it they get less. I find it helps to put these kinds of thoughts into perspective: my poly/mono relationship is not the only thing in my life I have had second thoughts about, it happens a lot over a great many things.

Jealousy is an ongoing issue that needs to be looked at and worked through. Generally jealousy is a symptom of something else being out of alignment. If you can work out what that something else is you should be about to lessen the jealousy. Sounds like for you it is about asserting your needs and you're working on it. Keep going, Rome wasn't built in a day.

I know you've done a lot of reading but I've recorded my whole process of coming to terms with this in my blog for people just like you. The process seems similar for most people and it becomes very time consuming to repeat if for everyone. Check out the earlier posts as these chronicle the earlier days. I still have my moments, but all in all our relationship is now very strong and happy. There are just no quick fixes, it's a process.

I wish you well and if you have any more questions you can always find me here or there.

[redpepper]

You might want to do a search here in the tags for "mono/poly," there is lots on here that might help answer your questions. This thread for a start. Sage also has lots of experience as does Mono. Good luck.

[LostRane]

Thank you both for getting back to me..

Yesterday was not a good day for me.. I had a break down and then a blow up.. All three of us sat down and talked. Its something I need to work on for if something is bugging me I shut down first.. After talking for over an hour I feel like i was heard and I listened to all.. I feel better but still am going to read the blog.

Thanks again for the support....

[marcopolo]

Originally Posted by vodkafan

I finally thought of something that might be helpful to other struggling monos. A few weeks back I came to a realisation that was like a light bulb coming on. It was:

My wife is not responsible for the whole of my happiness or unhappiness.

This really did help me a lot.

Vodkafan - I won't argue this point, I will only say that while what you say is true, I am reeling from the fact that my wife has introduced a painful new twist to the relationship...that her emotional and sexual interests expand beyond ours, jointly.

It's painful because it's an indication that she may be willing to risk our connection, for the love of others. Monogamy is an agreement not to encourage exposure or amplify such risks.

I'm not yet convinced that my wife's happiness should rest on her ability to explore others, as a lover and an emotional intimate.

I do get what you are saying. I'm just saying there is a difference between security of conviction, and happiness.

[Mookitten]

Um.. Hi...

I just joined this site because I'm lacking help and support to try and figure out how to make a polyamorous relationship work while I'm monogamous...

I met the guy I'm with eight months ago, and was very hesitant to get involved, because I knew off the bat he was poly. But... I couldn't help but fall for him. Since the time we had met, he had only lost lovers, and never gained, to the point where it was me, a lover, and his gf. And he and his girlfriend recently broke up.
But now there is a new lover in the picture. And I just do not know how to cope with it. What hurts me about it is, well, I've never been in a relationship prior to this, and he has been my first everything. And, I've always struggled with him being poly. And this girl, before she became his lover, I was opening up to about my issues (For she has a mono boyfriend, and I thought she could help me understand/adjust) and... Not even a week after I poured my heart out to her, she goes and becomes something with the guy I'm with.

And, I'm new to all this stuff, so forgive me if I sound ignorant. But, I also felt (Because of my own uncomfortableness, and other reasons) that these women have gotten to be so much closer with him, so much faster, because they became intimate sooner. And I often feel jealous.

I know it isn't how it is, but I often feel like I'm not good enough for him to be happy with all of me, and I have to be satisfied with only a fraction of him...

But I want to make this work, and I want to somehow find a way to understand, and try and shift my style of thinking, or figure out something else I can do to make this work.

If anyone is willing to talk to me one-on-one, that would be really really helpful.

Thanks for listening...

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Mookitten

And this girl, before she became his lover, I was opening up to about my issues (For she has a mono boyfriend, and I thought she could help me understand/adjust) and... Not even a week after I poured my heart out to her, she goes and becomes something with the guy I'm with.

Wow..some friend...but besides that.

I know you want this to work and I know this is your first relationship. I'm trying not to be defeatist but you have to realize that this process you are going through will likely be a continual one. These feelings of him taking on another lover will be felt again more than likely.

So if you do want to make this work you've got to be prepared for a long term struggle. And he has got to care about you enough to show some patience. I will be honest, I'm not a fan of mono poly for a monogamous person who hasn't been in a meaningful monogamous relationship. You are missing out on what it feels to be the focus of someones full intimate attention. But again, I know you want this to work and I fully understand that desire.

You need to ask yourself some questions about what you want long term? Are you even thinking long term? Here's a link to a thread on some questions to ponder for both of you. It's a little light hearted but relevant.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3145

Good luck!

[Mookitten]

I know it's probably not the ideal, but to be honest, no one's ever been interested in me aside from him. So I don't think I'm honestly worth someone's "full, intimate attention." I honestly believe that no one would ever want that from me, or give that back to me.


It really feels like I need to discuss this with him a bit more, but the details of our relationship are very foggy. :/ I want to be his primary, and hope that I can be. He wants a future with me, and if we're together long enough, he says I could end up being his primary. And, we don't really have a direction our relationship is going in, because we both are not sure if I'm cut out to be in this relationship, and if I'm cut out to be a primary. (I personally believe, although it does not solve any issues, that if I AM his primary, it would at least make me feel slightly better about the polyamory, because I'd be, well, his primary...)


I seriously wish I had someone to sort of talk to about my feelings, and solidify what I should ask/say to him in order to really understand what is going on and what we hope to be. Our relationship is fairly new, but it is strong. At least I think it is...

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by Mookitten

I know it's probably not the ideal, but to be honest, no one's ever been interested in me aside from him. So I don't think I'm honestly worth someone's "full, intimate attention." I honestly believe that no one would ever want that from me, or give that back to me.

... I want to be his primary, and hope that I can be. He wants a future with me, and if we're together long enough, he says I could end up being his primary. And, we don't really have a direction our relationship is going in, because we both are not sure if I'm cut out to be in this relationship, and if I'm cut out to be a primary. (I personally believe, although it does not solve any issues, that if I AM his primary, it would at least make me feel slightly better about the polyamory, because I'd be, well, his primary...)

Moo, that first paragraph is heartbreaking. And just so completely, wildly untrue. Why wouldn't someone be totally into you? You are worthy of someone's full attention (poly or mono). Why? Because you are unique. There is no one else just like MooKitten (cute username btw!).

I'm going to assume that you are pretty young as you mentioned this is your first relationship. First, props to you for taking a chance on love. Also, good on you for trying to figure out what you want and how to manage a good relationship.

But until you feel worthy of love, love is very hard to accept from others. It might be easier for you emotionally to take something that feels 'lesser' to you (I'm not saying he would treat you as lesser) because you don't feel you deserve better. Please consider talking to a counselor about why you don't feel worthy of someone's full devotion. Lack of self-respect will probably harm your relationships (not just romantic ones but friendships, family, work, too). Not because you are out to hurt anyone - the opposite is clearly true - but because until you have respect for yourself, it is hard to ask for what you really want. It is hard to even really know what you want if you don't know or like you.

Also, being someone's primary by itself doesn't make the journey easier. It doesn't really ease jealousy or erase difficulties.

[Mookitten]

Originally Posted by opalescent

Moo, that first paragraph is heartbreaking. And just so completely, wildly untrue. Why wouldn't someone be totally into you? You are worthy of someone's full attention (poly or mono). Why? Because you are unique. There is no one else just like MooKitten (cute username btw!).

I'm going to assume that you are pretty young as you mentioned this is your first relationship. First, props to you for taking a chance on love. Also, good on you for trying to figure out what you want and how to manage a good relationship.

But until you feel worthy of love, love is very hard to accept from others. It might be easier for you emotionally to take something that feels 'lesser' to you (I'm not saying he would treat you as lesser) because you don't feel you deserve better. Please consider talking to a counselor about why you don't feel worthy of someone's full devotion. Lack of self-respect will probably harm your relationships (not just romantic ones but friendships, family, work, too). Not because you are out to hurt anyone - the opposite is clearly true - but because until you have respect for yourself, it is hard to ask for what you really want. It is hard to even really know what you want if you don't know or like you.

Also, being someone's primary by itself doesn't make the journey easier. It doesn't really ease jealousy or erase difficulties.

I know the primary stuff doesn't ease anything, but I think it would make me feel even just slightly better. Because I don't feel important, even though he tells me so.

I just know that he could never devote to me, and if I leave him because of that, who's to say a person won't just cheat on me instead?

It's really hard for me to grasp that "he needs me" (as he said) or that my relationship truly does matter to him, or that he's got as much to lose as I do.

It doesn't make me feel better that his new lover basically backstabbed me, and his older one gets jealous of me (they live together, but she gets upset at any time I spend with him, and they text constantly while we're together. I don't read the text messages or anything, and I'm not trying to snoop, but he texts right in my line of site, and I catch the name, and immediately look away.)

I just don't know how he can tell me that he is in love with me, and he wants only a romantic relationship with me ,and he does not want to lose me and yet does things that he knows could end our relationship...

I want to understand it so that maybe I can handle it better, and be better suited and understanding him. I want this to work because I do think we have something that is strong.


If a poly person tells you that are in love with you... Is it less serious than in a mono relationship?

When I thought I was going to leave him because of the new lover... And he knew it, too... He cried, and asked me to stay. And, sobbed when I said I would... He even cried when I did not snuggle up to him in bed (because I was still feeling upset and needed to distance myself a bit from him because of his recent encounter)

Is this manipulation, or does he care for me that deeply?

[MorningTwilight]

Originally Posted by Mookitten

I know it's probably not the ideal, but to be honest, no one's ever been interested in me aside from him. So I don't think I'm honestly worth someone's "full, intimate attention." I honestly believe that no one would ever want that from me, or give that back to me.

Ow, ouch. Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself? This sense of unworthiness is the FIRST thing that needs to be addressed, before any of the other issues. You have to be able to love yourself first before you can really love others, and accept love from them. This isn't blind narcissism I'm talking about; it's more along the lines of genuinely liking the person who stares back at you in the mirror.

As a beneficial side effect, once you get there, most of your other worries about relationships in general, and this relationship in particular, are likely to either reduce themselves or evaporate altogether.

Originally Posted by Mookitten

[...snip paragraph about being his primary...]

I don't think this will matter so much once you get a handle on your self-worth.
It's not primary/secondary that is giving you worries; rather, I think it's that you've so convinced yourself that you're not worth having, that you're sure that he sees that too, and thus you fear he's going to skate on you.

Originally Posted by Mookitten

I seriously wish I had someone to sort of talk to about my feelings, and solidify what I should ask/say to him in order to really understand what is going on and what we hope to be. Our relationship is fairly new, but it is strong. At least I think it is...

Where in the world are you? It's quite possible that there's a poly community in your area from which you can draw support.

MT