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  #171  
Old 03-14-2011, 02:32 PM
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Nearly a week?! Okay, ya, I think he needs to take more responsibility for this. It shouldn't fall on your shoulders so much. How much have you talked about this with him?
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  #172  
Old 03-14-2011, 05:11 PM
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Even though he didn't agree with my "theory" as he called it (which was exactly the same as your theory LR), I think he has taken it on board because he is now back to his normal loving (and generally romantic self). But a few hours RP? This has taken him nearly a week!
A week sounds like a LONG time to me. Everyone is different of course, but I can definetely feel for you. A couple of hours and even 1 or 2 days I think I could be ok with, but waiting more than that for some special attention from him when he has been gone would be excrutiating for me.

Glad he is back to his normal self now and hopefully with some prior planning it will really minimize the difficult "coming down" time for you next time, Sage.

BIG HUGS!
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  #173  
Old 03-14-2011, 10:12 PM
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Hi Lady I (thanks RP)

Hope things are going well for you? I seem to have hit something of a speed bump myself. Yes yesterday I thought things were back to normal but unfortunately it was something of a false recovery.

I think part of the problem is that Z is very fragile under a seemingly resilient exterior. Where as I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to forget how different he is to me.

last night things seemed really good again and I made the mistake of bringing it up again from the position of acknowledging what had happened so that next time we can do it differently. I obviously didn't do a very good job of it because it seems to have shunted us back to square 1.

I think LR is close with the lolly analogy she wrote a whole post on in her blog , except that the layers we suck through aren't necessarily even as you expect when you suck a big lolly. I feel like for the last several months I've been sucking along merrily and now I've hit a layer that is particularly hard. I'm sure that's all it is, but it's brought up all these feelings questioning the very core of our poly/mono relationship.
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  #174  
Old 03-14-2011, 11:08 PM
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I really have to do some work now but I have progressed a way though this already with all your help.

I believe that the common wisdom of transitioning etc. won't work for us because I think that Z and J's relationship has distinct elements of addiction in it. He's been going through withdrawal from her for the last week and so of course he hasn't got anything left for me, let alone anything special. Their exposure this time was longer than normal and having recently given up alcohol myself I think I've only really noticed this for the first time (although I have suspected it before).

This is a very interesting new turn and thanks to LR for igniting the spark of recognition. It will be especially interesting in that Z has always said he would never run to J when things between us aren't strong. There is also an element of co-dependence with us because I think I am also addicted to his beautiful loving energy and to work through this I'm going to have to be prepared not to have that for possibly quite some time. This is new territory for us.

I feel a lot better, at least I can see the issues now instead of this big scary haze covering everything
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  #175  
Old 03-15-2011, 12:08 AM
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I feel a lot better, at least I can see the issues now instead of this big scary haze covering everything
seeing issues is far better than that big blanket of gooey, haze.... totally get that. I know you're on it just a matter of wading through it. *hugs*
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  #176  
Old 03-15-2011, 02:39 AM
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I had a really shitty day (and night). I got on facebook and there were 3 quotes that were just amazingly reassuring. One by Marianne Williamson, one by Polynerdist, one by my daughter.
THEN I get on here and all over the place are "thanks to LR" comments about yesterdays posts. I'm so glad that the things I said in various places yesterday were helpful to the variety of people here who read them.

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Sometimes I get so tired of always being the one to organize this kind of thing though.
Here is where I need an emoticon with tears running down its face. This would the trigger of the last two weeks of silence between Maca and I, which ended last night in a volatile stand off (got violent, starting with me) that resulted in the decision for him to move out (again).

It IS frustrating and disheartening to be the only one who makes the plans. I don't have any constructive words on that right now-I'm sure I SHOULD, but right now, I just feel so frustrated and upset about it. It FEELS like it shouldn't be so hard to remember that relationships are TEAMWORK and that means both parties need to participate in planning the important things. But.... feelings aren't always realistic or based in fact and people are individuals..... with different strengths and weaknesses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
I think part of the problem is that Z is very fragile under a seemingly resilient exterior. Where as I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to forget how different he is to me......

I feel like for the last several months I've been sucking along merrily and now I've hit a layer that is particularly hard. I'm sure that's all it is, but it's brought up all these feelings questioning the very core of our poly/mono relationship.
I'm there with you. I feel so emotionally defeated. I keep reminding myself, it's a process... but damn it if the process doesn't feel like a clock ticking backwards at times.


Addiction... addiction to people is NOT uncommon. Addiction to sex, NRE, very very common.

I can't say for sure of course, cause I don't know any of you. But, if you are dealing with addictive personalities-it is quite easy to move from one "drug" to another and a person can certainly be a drug.
That's a hard thing to fix... I would suggest starting with reading Ari's personal blog. You can PM me if you need the link.. I don't have it memorized off hand.
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  #177  
Old 03-15-2011, 08:53 AM
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Thanks LR (again)
I don't know what stage you're at in terms of days and nights but I hope it is getting easier.
Has Maca always been this way? Surely for such a long term relationship something must have changed for him to be behaving differently? Maybe somethings changed with you?

Now that I've worked out what our problem is I feel so much better because I know what I'm dealing with. I suppose I need to learn about dealing with another person's addiction. I don't suppose I can go to AA and alanon at the same time?
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  #178  
Old 03-16-2011, 05:32 AM
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To a large degree, yes he's always been this way.


What's changed is that I'm not pretending anymore.

I'm not staying home and pretending it's ok with me to not have a social life (talking to you guys , going out with friends-generally while he's at work so as not to infringe on our time, but still going).

I'm not pretending that it's ok with me to be a stay at home mom forever (going back to college).

I'm not pretending that I can be the monogamous wife he wanted and needed and I promised to be..... because, I can't.


Don't get me wrong. In no way am I trying to shove any of this down his throat or tell him "he owes me" or anything. It wasn't his fault that I tried to be what I wasn't. It's my fault for not being real with myself and therefore, not being real about myself with him or anyone else.

BUT-when I figured out what it meant to be real with myself, to be honest and to be true... I quit having the privilege to lie to myself and pretend to be that which I'm not.

He does intellectually understand AND appreciate that.
But, emotionally each and every one of the things I'm standing up for in myself, triggers deep seeded fears and insecurities in him.

It's easier to hide from and avoid actually resolving fears and insecurities in the "monogamous" model, because the expectations of a monogamous relationship "protect" you from facing the situations that trigger those fears.

With my coming out as poly-even though I'm being honest and upfront and real with him AND HE CAN TELL.... it's not protecting him anymore from those unresolved fears and insecurities, some of which go back all of the way to early childhood.

THEN as if that weren't enough-our communication skills with one another...

SUCK ASS.

So, even when we're trying our asses off to be respectful and understanding, it doesn't work.

It's not that either of us isn't aware of the issues or that we aren't trying to work on them... But, there's just SO MUCH that it seems like no matter how hard we try-it's never enough.
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  #179  
Old 03-17-2011, 05:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
I believe that the common wisdom of transitioning etc. won't work for us because I think that Z and J's relationship has distinct elements of addiction in it.

...There is also an element of co-dependence with us because I think I am also addicted to his beautiful loving energy and to work through this I'm going to have to be prepared not to have that for possibly quite some time. This is new territory for us.

I feel a lot better, at least I can see the issues now instead of this big scary haze covering everything
I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better! I am sure from what I have read in the past about you and Z that you will get through this bump in the road and be stronger for it!

Being so new to polyamory and on my own journey with my husband, I am finding some very similar things in my relationship with him. As I have said before we are going to counseling and mostly working on the cheating/betrayal of trust that happened (more than poly stuff) at the moment, but the codependency stuff has just recently come up for us.

We are working on where our personal boundaries are right now because too often they seem welded together between me and my husband. Is that something that is coming into play for you and Z as well?

Hugs!
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  #180  
Old 03-17-2011, 06:25 PM
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What's changed is that I'm not pretending anymore.

....BUT-when I figured out what it meant to be real with myself, to be honest and to be true... I quit having the privilege to lie to myself and pretend to be that which I'm not.
THEN as if that weren't enough-our communication skills with one another...

SUCK ASS.

So, even when we're trying our asses off to be respectful and understanding, it doesn't work.

It's not that either of us isn't aware of the issues or that we aren't trying to work on them... But, there's just SO MUCH that it seems like no matter how hard we try-it's never enough.
Hugs LR! I can relate and I feel for you!

In our relationship the roles are reversed, but because of that I feel fairly confident in saying that I am sure Macha loves you very much and in loving you he wants you to be yourself. However, as you have said, loving you and wanting things to be how he thought they were or how he thought they would be when you were in an earlier stage of your relationship, are not necessarily the same thing or working in the relationship now. I am sure you wouldn’t anyway, but don’t ever think about going back to the non-genuine you. You have to be yourself. I think that if you were pretending again that he would be unhappy then also, because he would see and know that you were not being yourself and were unhappy.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (2 kids) and we communicate BADLY as well. We have had our share (and still are) of big fights where we are screaming at each other and it is so clear that he is completely misunderstanding the words that are coming out of my mouth (and probably vice versa). You have likely already tried this byt we are trying these tools: staying calm (Ha! Not always easy, of course), taking a break from the fight if it starts to get heated, and repeating back what the other one said (meaning: what you actually heard them say). This is a big issue for us still, but doing these things has helped a little, at least.

Not that this is a cure-all at all, but has Macha ever been to counseling? Do you think he might be willing to go? It is helping our communication skills to talk to someone who has seen other people with similar communication issues to ours. She is able to somewhat untangle our communications in front of us and applying that has helped when we are alone as well.
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