The Struggling Mono Thread

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Kat

I had always been clear that I was searching for a life partner. His revelation seemed to run counter to my needs.

All I know for sure is that I was wrong when I thought that going poly means I don’t get to have a life partner. If I’m really lucky, going poly may mean that I get two (or more) life partners!

Poly certainly doesn't have to mean no life-partner. It can mean multiple life partners.
I like your attitude.

[sage]

Hi Kat

I agree with all that has been said. It sounds like you're emotionally intelligent (which I consider necessary for polyamorous relationships of any kind to work) and that he's doing all the right things and making all the right noises.

You will hit stormy seas; jealousy's a bitch. I would suggest that you ask them to start very slowly; dating first before any sleepovers and then one night at a time. If she is poly she should know the drill "go at the pace of the most fragile party", which is you.

Read everything you can, keep posting here(it normalizes your situation and gives you positive role models) and DO NOT talk to any mono people about your situation until you are feeling well and truly grounded in it and can do so from a position of strength.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Kat]

I will keep you all up-to-date on how we're doing. I really appreciate the support I've found here. Thank you

[vodkafan]

Originally Posted by sage

You will hit stormy seas; jealousy's a bitch. I would suggest that you ask them to start very slowly; dating first before any sleepovers and then one night at a time.

shit sage is that how you are supposed to do it? Everything for us was completely opposite. Lol.

Good advice though.

[sage]

Yes VF it definitely is, anything less is just NRE selfishness.

Sorry grumpy this morning. OSO is staying and it's making me a bit sad. Don't quite know why, I was fine yesterday and everything is going "swimmingly"
Maybe it's going a little too well and I sense the boundaries are going to be pushed out further to accommodate the OSO's growing confidence.

I've just been reading some posts on yahoo where monos struggle with the reaction of other people seeing their poly partner in action in the big wide world and feel pitied. I don't know how I'd handle that and I suppose it's like, "here we go again, something else to deal with"

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by sage

Sorry grumpy this morning. OSO is staying and it's making me a bit sad. Don't quite know why, I was fine yesterday and everything is going "swimmingly"
Maybe it's going a little too well and I sense the boundaries are going to be pushed out further to accommodate the OSO's growing confidence.

It really makes a difference when someone is in your space. I have a really hard time with having my husband's OSO in my space as well. Make sure you're voicing your boundaries and that you have somewhere to go to escape if it gets to be too much in the moment. <hugs>

[vodkafan]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

It really makes a difference when someone is in your space. I have a really hard time with having my husband's OSO in my space as well. Make sure you're voicing your boundaries and that you have somewhere to go to escape if it gets to be too much in the moment. <hugs>

I admire you two girls. The big difference for me is that OHb is never in my space nor I in his; my wife spends time in each place. I suspect that is why I SEEM to have adjusted so fast.
A whole raft of feelings I have sidestepped, other monos are dealing with daily. In your situation I might be a blubbering basket case.

[sage]

Thanks Derby it's good to know even poly people feel like this. I'm also trying to be careful to figure out if my malaise is really about J or something else.
We really do co-habit very well and as eventual co-habitation is Z's goal I feel like I do need to stay aware of my feelings.

It's the little things that upset me. Seemingly stupid little things like Z hasn't had a glass of wine here at home with me in so long I can't remember the last time. But with J here he all of a sudden wants to be included as if she makes it a special enough occasion, whereas I don't.

Also his kids are here (11 and 12). He doesn't want to tell them because it would make things very difficult with his ex. I could be imagining it but I think they suspect something and they're being extra nice to me as if they feel sorry for me.
Z was having a cuddle in J's room this morning and his son saw him come out. Son says "How long have you been in there?."

It's all a matter of adjusting but it's good to have somewhere to share it.

[sage]

VF our posts collided.

While there are always going to be challenges whether the other party is in your space or not , I would much rather have J here than have Z go away to be with her at her place. The latter involves a plane flight and a ferry ride and he has to go for at least three or four days to make it worthwhile.

Have you met your wife's bf?

[redpepper]

@sage, I think its time for the talk by what you've said. Ex or not, the kids aren't stupid and he is starting to disrespect them by keeping them in the dark. They could be having some major feelings about what they are witnessing and need to understand in order to feel comfortable. They are old enough to discuss what they should or shouldn't say to their mother no?