The Struggling Mono Thread

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by sage

Ahhh if it was only that easy.

i am always wary of anyone who says they have never felt jealousy. Either they are in complete denial or, if they truly have never felt this human emotion, they will never be able to relate to some one who does. that makes them very hard pressed to govern thier actions with consideration for others. They could come across as uncaring and have no true appreciation for why.

[vodkafan]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

i am always wary of anyone who says they have never felt jealousy. Either they are in complete denial or, if they truly have never felt this human emotion, they will never be able to relate to some one who does. that makes them very hard pressed to govern thier actions with consideration for others. They could come across as uncaring and have no true appreciation for why.

That's fair comment Mono. I am not a cold detached individual. I have felt pangs of jealousy, but have learned to deal with them. One way is that we have safeguards built into the arrangement.
1. the way the V is constructed; The 3/4 day split means she goes and lives with him for 3 days; the relationships are separate; we are not all together all the time. We find that perfect. We all have space.
2. we never discuss our separate sex lives. That's private.
3. I have never been inside his place and he has never been inside our house. So neither of us can imagine our wife being in intimate situations with the other husband.

In truth though I am just lucky that I am not a very jealous person. I have always been a live and let live kind of guy; As long as people are not hurting me I can leave them alone. Jealousy always seemed like a lot of mental baggage to carry around.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by vodkafan

1. the way the V is constructed; The 3/4 day split means she goes and lives with him for 3 days; the relationships are separate; we are not all together all the time. We find that perfect. We all have space.
2. we never discuss our separate sex lives. That's private.
3. I have never been inside his place and he has never been inside our house. So neither of us can imagine our wife being in intimate situations with the other husband.

.

I think it's great you are sharing this level of detail about your scheduling It's nice to hear the nuts and bolts of how people go day to day as it gives tangible examples. Thanks!

[vodkafan]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I think it's great you are sharing this level of detail about your scheduling It's nice to hear the nuts and bolts of how people go day to day as it gives tangible examples. Thanks!

We didn't really have to talk about those things when we set it up; I suppose it was inline with what we all expected, looking back, and seemed most natural. I happily concede that compared to other's living arrangements ours is far simpler, perhaps the simplest form of V, and avoids a lot of potential problems.
Some on here might say that we are not really living poly at all. I dunno. It is working for us.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by vodkafan

We didn't really have to talk about those things when we set it up; I suppose it was inline with what we all expected, looking back, and seemed most natural. I happily concede that compared to other's living arrangements ours is far simpler, perhaps the simplest form of V, and avoids a lot of potential problems.
Some on here might say that we are not really living poly at all. I dunno. It is working for us.

Your wife loves two men..she's poly. You guys are all being honest..that's poly. Sounds poly to me regardless how anyone else does it

[sage]

Vodkafan, how do your kids handle having a mother who lives in 2 houses? Do they have a relationship with her boyfriend?

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Your wife loves two men..she's poly. You guys are all being honest..that's poly. Sounds poly to me regardless how anyone else does it

Yep...it certainly does. Seems pretty straight forward. Encouraging structure for those of us not in a communal mindset.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by vodkafan

We didn't really have to talk about those things when we set it up; I suppose it was inline with what we all expected, looking back, and seemed most natural. I happily concede that compared to other's living arrangements ours is far simpler, perhaps the simplest form of V, and avoids a lot of potential problems.
Some on here might say that we are not really living poly at all. I dunno. It is working for us.

Simpler! Damn no> it wouldn't be for me. I tried that avenue and for a hinge it can be very difficult. I hated not being near my child. I felt guilty for leaving him and thought myself a bad mother. When he was sick I wasn't there, when he went to emerg, I wasn't there, when he called for me, I wasn't there and PN had to say, "she is at Mono's" house... I hated that. My boy has been worlds happier now that he lives with Mono... that is simpler to me and everyone involved. It took work and has been worth it for our child and therefore all of us...

That and I feel far more confident that I am not using PN for "babysitting" the balance is better and he is sustained in our arrangement.

That being said, you seem to be making your situation work... I wonder about the sustainability of it all, but time will tell I guess. I wonder about your partner and whether or not she is feeling the weight of being in two lives at once. It was hard for me... I was never completely present at either home. Now i am at least present enough to hear PN and LB upstairs of Mono downstairs and feel that they are near,... can indicate by sound what is going on.

I am interested to know your progress on this vodkafan. I only wish for you all what brings the most comfort.

As to jealousy... it is a sign of a process completed that you are able to let jealousy go Vodkafan... It isn't easy, but is possible. That isn't to say it doesn't come back either, but you aren't crippled by it and that is inspiring to hear.

[vodkafan]

Originally Posted by sage

Vodkafan, how do your kids handle having a mother who lives in 2 houses? Do they have a relationship with her boyfriend?

They are adapting to it well. The youngest two see her everyday anyway, she and OHb pick them up friday from school and keep them for a couple of hours, and they take them out saturday afternoon also. They (the young kids) have their own little version of NRE going on, the little traitors; They are all "D this and D that". I don't mind. The elder 3 at home have all met OHb but don't have so much contact.
We are just taking things slow. The eldest son is away at uni, he doesn't approve or understand.

Thanks MG and redpepper. It seems very easy at the moment to make this work, only my work hours are a pain. My wife did what I asked and has been sending me lots of romantic texts and phone calls last week.

[sage]

Vodkafan I think you are pretty amazing. Are you are confirmed mono or do you think you'd like to find someone else at some stage? I don't think if Z wanted to start living part of the time with someone else I would handle it at all well. I'd have to find someone else, I wouldn't want to live alone even for 3 days a week. He'd love his SO to come and live with us, I could handle that better.