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Old 02-20-2015, 03:42 AM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
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Default Finding like-minded people re: poly arrangements

Hey guys!

Been reading silently for a while, and am seeing patterns in how various people approach and express polyamory.

From what I have read it seems, to me, many of you have specific kinds (or styles) of poly you are engaged in currently: hierarchical or not, married or not, interested or not in casual encounters VS out there for deep intimacy, family-oriented (with/without kids) or even extended family, with your partners' partners with/without kids and the level of involvement of these kids in your particular lives, etc.

So, how did you personally find the people closest to you who matched your ability to live polyamorously?

For example did your relationships develop based on mutually-shared preferences for how you want to live and experience polyamory? Did you look for people who matched your specific preferences in poly style?

Or were you rather flexible--are the current forms of your relationships resulting more from what works with whomever you have dated, meaning your life would have been very different based on who you'd have dated VS what it is now?

---

I'd also like your opinions on how you came to find any like-minded people as far as your poly arrangements go.
Did you mostly frequent dating/social sites for that?

Has anyone just "met" people that were open to the idea, without it being on a dating or social site specifically for that purpose?

For some reason, purpose-driven places turn me right off... I'm wondering if that's shooting me in the foot. I find myself uninterested in joining a poly community in person because I don't want to find myself involved in that many lives all of a sudden... over here the group seems close-knit, with everyone knowing a bunch about everyone else's partners. That's too much for me, I'm a hardcore introvert!

And yes I'm aware this post probably sounds clueless--but I have always been clueless at dating. 100% of my dates and boyfriends have been people I've met through chance, unintentionally through friends or family, or more rarely by engaging in activities I care about.
I have never had to go looking for a date, and never "put myself on the market" for one either.

I guess I wouldn't know where to get started, being who I am!

Thanks for reading
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Old 02-20-2015, 06:45 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Quote:
So, how did you personally find the people closest to you who matched your ability to live polyamorously?

For example did your relationships develop based on mutually-shared preferences for how you want to live and experience polyamory? Did you look for people who matched your specific preferences in poly style?

Or were you rather flexible--are the current forms of your relationships resulting more from what works with whomever you have dated, meaning your life would have been very different based on who you'd have dated VS what it is now?
I've been rather flexible, I think, though I initially started out looking for polyfidelity - family style poly really appealed to me. I've dated and slept around with different guys looking for anything but polyfi though. I could have ended up in a different structure. However, it was always an over-arcing goal of mine, or a dream of mine, or a preference maybe, to try and secure a polyfi arrangement. PunkRock was coming from a monogamous standpoint and he really wanted stability and a long term relationship, so we just fit. I would have been happy with him in another style of poly though - it was more about the person and less about the poly structure for me whenever I am dating. When I meet someone, I ask myself, how could this person fit?

Quote:
I'd also like your opinions on how you came to find any like-minded people as far as your poly arrangements go.
Did you mostly frequent dating/social sites for that?
I did lots of online dating - OKC. However, the relationships that feel right have been people I've run into in real life. OKC just leaves me feeling hollow and sad after initial manic-like highs. Fuck that.

Quote:
Has anyone just "met" people that were open to the idea, without it being on a dating or social site specifically for that purpose?
Yep
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Old 02-20-2015, 07:00 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Nate messaged me on MySpace, he actually thought in was "too cool " for him but he recently moved into the area and was networking to promote his comic. When we decided to be together i told him I wanted an open relationship. Mostly I was interested in the sexual aspect of being open but eventually that changed for me because I found no joy in casual sex.

Sam I met through work and a friend. He thought i was a swinger (my friend told him that) but he wasn't interested in dating a married women. 2 years later i asked him on a date and he agreed.

I've never had good luck on dating sites
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Old 02-20-2015, 04:32 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I met Hubby, S2, and my ex-boyfriend Guy through AdultFriendFinder, which bills itself as an "adult dating" site. In other words, a place for people to find *sex* partners, not necessarily *life* partners.

Clearly I found both with Hubby. We met in May 2008 and were exclusive from that point; we both agreed we wouldn't see other people, and when we married in April 2010, it was a monogamous marriage.

Fast-forward three and a half years, when in response to some incompatibilities in our relationship styles and sexual needs, Hubby suggested we open the marriage. No more monogamy... but at first, the "open" was supposed to be purely sexual. Friendship with other partners was okay; Hubby and I agreed that if stronger feelings developed for someone else, we would cut ties with that person. Each prospective partner was told this up front.

We both used AFF to find other partners. Hubby "hooked up" with one woman and decided the whole thing wasn't for him; that was nearly two years ago now. He's been monogamous both emotionally and sexually ever since.

Guy and I started as friends-with-benefits. Two months after he left our area to go home to the midwest, I admitted, first to myself and then to Hubby, that I had stronger feelings for Guy than friendship. I told Hubby that loving more than one man felt natural and right to me, but I also told him I was willing to keep our agreement and cut ties with Guy. Hubby said not to. He was the first to use the word "polyamory", and while he doesn't completely understand how I feel or why, he accepts it. So for a bit over a year, Guy and I had a long-distance relationship. (That ended in October; details are in my blog.)

From September 2013 until last summer, I chose to be with only Hubby and Guy, and not seek any other partners. Hubby maintained his monogamy. Guy, because of the distance thing, found other sexual partners but chose not to have any emotional involvement beyond friendship. I stayed on AFF, as I had pretty much all along, because I have friends there and I like to chat with them, but I ignored any overtures from other men. And then S2 emailed me.

S2's marriage ended--in a very friendly, respectful way--last spring. At the time he and I met, he hadn't been with a woman other than his wife in something like 17 years. He was interested in polyamory; he'd researched it because his wife initially suggested it as a possible way to keep their marriage together, but they'd decided against it. And because he was just out of a marriage and wasn't keen on diving into another closely committed monogamous situation, the fact that I'm married completely worked for him. He went on one date with another woman and told me he felt like he was cheating on me even though I encouraged him; and then something happened as a result of that date that caused him to decide to be exclusive with me. He and I have agreed that his end of our V remains open if he chooses to exercise that option, but right now, he's not exercising it. I'm now with only S2 and Hubby, no desire whatsoever for any other partners.

So, long story short...
Hubby was initially insistent on monogamy, but changed that because we had some sexual compatibility issues that he felt would be best addressed by finding other sexual partners. (He was right, by the way.) When I developed feelings for another man, Hubby identified it as polyamory and gave me the go-ahead to live poly, but he considers himself "wired" for monogamy.

Guy didn't care one way or another, but because he travels extensively for his job, the fact that I was married to someone else worked for him because he didn't have to worry about me being lonely or ignored when he wasn't around. He doesn't label anything, but during the time I was with him, he was poly*sexual* but not polyamorous.

S2 prefers the fact that I'm married because at this point, he's enjoying living alone, not having to take care of or take full responsibility for another human being, and having the freedom to come and go as he pleases. He's still sorting out whether he considers himself polyamorous or monogamous, but for the time being, exclusivity with me works for him.

As for "like-minded" in terms of how to poly... All three of the men I've mentioned have followed my lead completely. So I guess they're like-minded in terms of "If KC thinks it will work this way and she's happy, we're cool with it." I did have a bit of a rough patch when I tried to explain to Hubby that I'm not okay with hierarchy... Hubby believed he should be my "number one" and Guy my "number two", and I had to make him understand that I didn't feel that way. In my polyverse, no partner is *more* important than another; they're important *differently*. Eventually we reached a place of peace with that when I told Hubby that, while he isn't "number one" over anyone else, he does have a larger *part* of my life by virtue of the fact that he's the one I actually live with. Both Hubby and S2 know I consider them equal as far as their place in my life and heart, and they're both okay with that.
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Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)

Last edited by KC43; 02-20-2015 at 04:42 PM.
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Old 02-20-2015, 06:36 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I actually met a couple boyfriends on aff back in the day, funny how traditional dating sites didn't work out but a sex site did
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Old 02-20-2015, 07:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi SuddenlyStoneElf,

My poly companions (Brother Husband, Snowbunny) and I came to the decision rather haphazardly at first that we wanted to form a poly unit. At first, we had never even heard of polyamory, nor knew there was such a thing. We discovered it through Snowbunny's research, which she did in trying to figure out how to solve the problem of being in love with a man (me) who was not her husband.

The main life objective we seem to have in common is that none of us want any kids. But that match was pretty much sheer good fortune. Other than that we seem to be compatible enough to live happily together.

We didn't meet each other on the internet, not at all. In fact, we met through attending at a Lutheran church, me as an organist/accompanist, them as choir members. We became platonic friends but then they moved away and we fell out of touch. Some years later, they reappeared in my life, and Snowbunny and I found ourselves working together closely in a professional vein at another Lutheran church. Our romantic feelings for each other slowly evolved from that.

So, our journey into poly was quite unplanned and had no itinerary. We had to figure it out as we went along.

Later on, I tried OKCupid for awhile, but got zero results as far as romantic connections are concerned (in fact less than zero but that's a long aggravating story).

All the romantic connections I have experienced in my life have come through meeting people in person, essentially by chance. Going out looking for romance has never worked for me.

There are no rules about how you're "supposed" to get into poly, and no deadlines on how soon you should find a "suitable dating partner." Take the time that you need. It suffices that you are open to the idea of multiple partners.

Just my thoughts on it,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-20-2015, 09:48 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Inyourendo, what amuses me about AFF is all the people who say "This is a sex site! You can't look for relationships here!"

Aside from Hubby and me (and Guy and me, and S2 and me) I can think of over a dozen couples I personally know who met on AFF. At least half of those couples have been together for over five years, and four of them are now married.

But it's "just for sex." lol
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Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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Old 02-21-2015, 01:03 AM
us2ntenn us2ntenn is offline
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I dont have the expertise in this area to give advice, but I did want to mention we have made some really good friends on AFF but more so on SLS. We have many friends from the swinging community and I am proud to say that most of these are the most real, sincere and reliable folks weve ever met.. We used to host quarterly socials and I even earned the nickname Sultan(of swing)! Anyway..you just have to read between the lines and analyze those one night stands..My theory is even those single guys and girls that are looking for a hookup would gladly become involved in a relationship if the right opportunity afforded itself. I think most of us are looking for a person(or persons) to share our lives with ..Its just that some take more than others.
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Old 02-21-2015, 01:31 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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I met my last GF online. It ended badly, but that can happen regardless of where you meet someone. All my other relationships have happened naturally, just meeting people with common interests.

That said, I have a fair amount of bonuses that make it easier for me than it may be for others: I am female (poly men generally have a harder time), bi (with a heavy preference for women) which expands my dating pool :-) , have fairly social and physically active hobbies that mean I regularly meet new people, etc.
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Old 02-21-2015, 02:36 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have always had better luck in real life.

I met Murf through the local car scene. I get out and socialize without Butch.

I just live my life have a good time and the right people come along at the right time.
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