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  #11  
Old 10-17-2010, 09:57 PM
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Ari and Grounded-

Thanks for your insight. I'm starting to see the diff between Poly and Open- I think right now it's a lot closer to Open. Perhaps over time we'll both evolve into a full Poly situation, regardless of whether I stay Mono or not.

Bottom line is that no matter what it is, my biggest hurdle is to contain my emotions- I continue to freak out every time she's about to go see new guy and then I beat myself up over acting out.

Can you have Compersion in an open marriage that's not truly Poly as you guys define it? I think ultimately I need to get there, because I profess to only want happiness for C, and this clearly makes her happy- so therefore I feel I'm being "wrong" for begrudging her. Especially when I believe that this is no real threat to our marriage (unless I screw it up). And with the only negative factor to me being that she "cares" for this person she's having sex with- (and yes, I hesitate to even call this a "negative factor" now).

thanks again
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  #12  
Old 10-18-2010, 03:47 AM
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It seems to me you're in a pretty hard situation.

He seems to get the "good parts", and when you need help dealing with the situation, she just abandons you? I can understand it would be hard for her too, but one way for you to get better over it is for her to make you feel important, and, well, while there are people who want all the attention, you don't seem to be that way at all.
It's important that she recognises her responsibility in breaking your boundaries and cheating on you. When you fully accept poly, if you do, that won't mean what happened before wasn't cheating: cheating means breaking the rules, and she certainly did, and seems not to have cared much about it, and blamed it on you instead. She needs to take responsibility if she wants it to get better.

The fact that you can't meet him worries me. It would be much better for you to have some contact at least. What if something happened to her and you needed to get together to work through it? What if you wanted to plan a surprise for her together?
Separating the two and leaving a "double life", I could understand if it was really the same, if she lived half the time with one of you, half the time with the other. But at times it sounds like she's acting like a teenager, being out all day or night and expecting you to take care of the house in the meantime.
And the fact he doesn't want to meet you... I'm worried he's either trying to recreate a cheating situation, because he's more comfortable with that, or that he's a cowboy. Either way, I feel he needs to really acknowledge the situation for what it is: a relationship involving all three of you.

Dealing with jealousy is always tricky. But right now, I can't really blame you, it seems like she decides and you just have the right to take it with a smile.
Poly relationships require time, patience and communication, especially poly/mono ones. It sucks when you're the one who has to slow down because a partner requires you to, but if you value them and they're not being incredibly unreasonable (and you don't sound so) I feel you need to take the time to show them everything is fine, until they're comfortable enough that you can proceed.

She's going too fast, without taking you into account. By doing that, she risks reaching your breaking point, when you won't be able to take it anymore. If she slows it down, she's likely to be able to keep both relationships as long as she takes everyone's feelings into account.
Being the hinge means you get two people (or more) who care for you, but also that you need to take care of both (or all) of them. It's not all fun and games, there is a lot of responsibility involved in it.
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  #13  
Old 10-18-2010, 07:05 AM
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I have a big red flag on the "no meeting" thing. What is she afraid of? that you will blow up emotionally? Perhaps its time to sit down and make some goals. What is it that she hopes to achieve out of this arrangement? What do you hope to achieve? What could you do that would make it easier for her? When can you meet him and how would she like to see this happen? What would she like from you in this regard? When do you get to go out and seek out what you desire in life? When can she take the kids/kid so you can have our time? Maybe she should take the kids?kid with her sometime when she goes to see him so that you can have your time....

I know what we read hear is one sided and its hard to know what goes on for her, but what is this really about. Is she a mum that is struggling with parenting and finds that she keeps her sanity by hanging out with younger people pretending she is still at that stage? Is she really still lost in NRE and being selfish? Are you the type to sit back and let her do what she likes while she thinks its okay? It's so hard to tell.

Really the only think I can grasp on to is the fact that you have not met. This is a big one in poly. The idea is that we all support one another and have consideration for one another by knowing one another. This is not poly to me buy open... all very well, but there are different ideas around open and poly and if you are struggling then maybe some good 'ol defining together might be in order... get on the same page. Back to a chat about common goals perhaps?
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  #14  
Old 10-20-2010, 06:40 PM
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Redpepper knows what she's talking about. You're your own person, but her "red flag" call was spot on with me. It lead me to face some personal demons and I've found myself changed.

Just a vote of confidence.
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  #15  
Old 10-20-2010, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mumbles View Post
Redpepper knows what she's talking about. You're your own person, but her "red flag" call was spot on with me. It lead me to face some personal demons and I've found myself changed.

Just a vote of confidence.
If you could clarify for me, please. This "red flag" is it a concern in general, or is it simply a red flag that C doesn't understand or subscribe to polyamory? I'm not even positive that I want to meet him myself- I don't really have a lot of worry that he's got some ulterior motive. There aren't many single 27 year old bachelors who are looking to steal a wife and four kids away- if all the facts are true as she's disclosed (and i've done wayyyy too much factchecking) then this guy is just along for the ride, doesn't want anything more than he's getting, since he has a perfect situation for him presumably (no committment, good sex, and someone who cares for him without it getting too serious).

Is it possible that this is just an "open" marriage we have, and that we really aren't ready for pure polyamory? Until a month ago I had never heard of this, so I don't profess to have a great understanding yet if it even applies to our situation. That being said, from what I've read on this forum and in other research, polyamory seems to be a pretty awesome concept... If she's not there but aspires for it, do I push for something that really isn't critical to me right now (talking to new guy)? Sorry, lots of questions :>
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  #16  
Old 10-20-2010, 08:06 PM
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I would be a bit put off by the whole not meeting thing myself. It doesn't mean necessarily that there is anything wrong going on between the two of them but I think it is healthy to at least have a short face to face. Doesn't mean you two need to be best friends. And as previously stated, if there's some issue standing in the way, it might be good to work through it. Some people like not meeting, generally known as DADT (don't ask, don't tell) or some variation of it. Not something I want to do. Maybe you and her could just discuss further why she really doesn't want to. Or ask her if she simply doesn't want the three of you socializing but would be ok with a quick introduction. I think it's worth some consideration, though.
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  #17  
Old 10-20-2010, 11:10 PM
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She might be comfortable with a DADT policy and if that is so then that is fine, it just sounds a little concerning that they aren't interested in you knowing him. To me it says something about who you are to her and who he is if she doesn't want you to meet. It makes me think that she is content in her escapism when she goes to his house and that she has one foot out of her reality.

Sometimes when metamours meet they discover that the whole thing is real. It sounds to me that this guy might be living in a fantasy world also. This might move you all forward into the future and what arrangements you could have that would work for all..

I would suggest that a conversation about what she intends and what you intend from her relationship and your future is in order. It doesn't sound like you know what she has planned or what plans they have made, if any, for a future. That is not to say that they have to have a plan and that this has to be a serious long term thing, but you have a family and she is your wife, usually those two things come along with a life plan that you share together... how does he fit in, if at all. If there are big plans for them, then shouldn't you know them? If they have plans, would that not include you? Would you not have a right to know the person that is intent on being in your wifes life for the long haul?

Ray is right, you don't have to be best buds, but at some point acknowledging what is going on here would have to happen. Metamours defining their relationship is the foundation of a long term poly arrangement I think.... that has to start with meeting.
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  #18  
Old 10-21-2010, 01:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tincuptt View Post
There aren't many single 27 year old bachelors who are looking to steal a wife and four kids away
Maybe, but maybe he's interested in the wife, knowing she's already had kids and he won't have to "provide" any, and that you'll be there to take out of her kids while she's out with him.
Which isn't necessarily very fair to you. Getting to know you could help with that. Possibly getting involved with the kids in some way (as a friend of you guys), ideally to take care of them for the two of you to go out on a date, would I think be ideal later down the road.
When you start a relationship with someone, you take them the way they are, with all their baggage: that include the kids and the existing partners.

This being said, I don't want to be too categorical here. I hear DADT works for some people. I still you need to ask yourself if it really does for you...
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  #19  
Old 10-21-2010, 03:43 AM
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I'm turned on by the Hotwife and/or Cuckold fantasies too. I also have been having trouble with jealousy. You have my sympathy.

I would like to ad that I do believe that she would be able to go on from here and respect your boundaries and expectations. They need to be clearly stated and understood, and the two of you should agree on them.
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  #20  
Old 10-22-2010, 10:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Maybe, but maybe he's interested in the wife, knowing she's already had kids and he won't have to "provide" any, and that you'll be there to take out of her kids while she's out with him.
Which isn't necessarily very fair to you. Getting to know you could help with that. Possibly getting involved with the kids in some way (as a friend of you guys), ideally to take care of them for the two of you to go out on a date, would I think be ideal later down the road.
When you start a relationship with someone, you take them the way they are, with all their baggage: that include the kids and the existing partners.
Between the responses I'm getting here, and the other threads I've read, it seems pretty common that the two males should have some communication. Let me know what you think about this- both C and new guy seem to want to not have me meet him- how about if I sent him an email? That way they would feel less threatened, and yet it would still force new guy to have to understand that there is another person around.. Lord knows what I would say to him, but it might be easier for me as well.

I feel like I need to do something because after two plus months, I'm no closer to accepting it, and no closer to "forcing" her to end it. It's like a purgatory for me.
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