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Old 10-15-2010, 11:26 PM
Wraith Wraith is offline
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Default Looking for insight

I am new to the forum, and fairly new to the idea of a polyamorous/open relationship, and am looking to get some insight or advice on what I can do to help make my relationship with my partner function far better than it has been.

We were together for almost 2 years in a monogamous relationship before breaking up so that he could sort things out in his life. After a year of separation, we got back together into a polyamorous relationship (he had another girlfriend at the time). I had a lot of problems with him having another girlfriend, but I wanted to stick with it because I love him and want to be with him. Eventually, things didn't work out with his other girlfriend and they did end the relationship. He and I are still together, and have agreed to compromise down to an open relationship, which we have agreed means sex with other people is okay, but the only relationship is between he and I.

I am having a lot of trouble trying to reconcile what I understand rationally (he loves me, he's emotionally committed to me and doesn't want to have a relationship with any of the other girls he might be involved with) with my emotional responses to his other sexual connections. He tells me that this may just be a phase he's going through in his life and he wants to be able to explore other sexual situations with other people. He says he's at a time in his life where he wants to have the commitment of a relationship to me and be able to explore other sexual avenues with other people at the same time. I am also allowed to become involved with other people, should I choose to. In the interest of not being miserable every time he sleeps with someone else, and not fighting with him anymore, is there anything anyone can recommend that I might be able to try in order to approach this more rationally and deal with my jealousy?
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:35 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Hi and Welcome
Ah Jealousy. I'm sure the moderators will jump in and provide you with the right links so you can read how everyone goes through jealousy with this and it sucks big time.

Unless you are one of a very few lucky individuals who claim to not having a jealous bone in their bodies I think that most of us go through it and maybe monogamy was invented to protect us from the pain.

I'm afraid it's a huge topic but the best place to start is looking at your relationship and your life and seeing where your needs and desires are not being met. Then set about seeing if you can have them met. That for me is Jealousy 101 in a nutshell. If you need clarification just post.
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Old 10-16-2010, 03:51 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wraith View Post
I am having a lot of trouble trying to reconcile what I understand rationally (he loves me, he's emotionally committed to me and doesn't want to have a relationship with any of the other girls he might be involved with) with my emotional responses to his other sexual connections. He tells me that this may just be a phase he's going through in his life and he wants to be able to explore other sexual situations with other people. He says he's at a time in his life where he wants to have the commitment of a relationship to me and be able to explore other sexual avenues with other people at the same time. I am also allowed to become involved with other people, should I choose to. In the interest of not being miserable every time he sleeps with someone else, and not fighting with him anymore, is there anything anyone can recommend that I might be able to try in order to approach this more rationally and deal with my jealousy?
First off...and this is more for your information. Polyamory is about the loving. It sounds like he is more into an open relationship. He is looking for his fun times, outside of the relationship. Keeping in mind, there are those of us who are both open and polyamorous.

Jealousy, there is lots of posts on jealousy. I would recommend doing a search and looking at figuring out the root cause of your jealousy.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...light=jealousy

There is some good information in this post. Amongst many others

I would recommend against "using" someone to deal with your jealousy. It would have the same affect as a rebound. Just not something anyone wants to deal with should things turn south.

I don't know if there is a forum for "open" relationships. But you fit (and yes some people disagree) somewhere in between poly and swinging. You definitely fit within the non-monogamous umbrella.

Welcome to the journey, we are all walking our paths. In all cases, the number one thing to do is communicate, past that, you must trust in what your partner says unless proven otherwise. It might help you through the tough times

Ari
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Old 10-16-2010, 02:21 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wraith View Post
............. In the interest of not being miserable every time he sleeps with someone else, and not fighting with him anymore, is there anything anyone can recommend that I might be able to try in order to approach this more rationally and deal with my jealousy?
Hi Wraith,

Yep - there is !

Come to grips with the fact that human sexuality is a natural, but complex thing.
People have a variety of sexual needs, desires, fantasies etc. And a widely varying drive for sex. It 's just that way. Some days it rains. Some days the sun is out. Accept it !

You can choose to be a partner in a SO's sexual exploration and satisfaction - or an impediment. It's YOUR choice !
You can be open, share in the tales of good, bad, ugly and travel together. Or not.

Which choice do you think will make your bond stronger ?

Not that difficult to understand - is it ?

GS
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Old 10-16-2010, 03:29 PM
Wraith Wraith is offline
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Grounded - I do understand that, in my head. I fully believe that no one person can be EVERYTHING to someone and to expect that is unreasonable. There might be things that I don't find sexually appealing that he does and he might meet someone else who is also interested in exploring those things. I can understand that these are just parts of life and human nature. What I am having trouble with is making the heart understand things the same way the head does.
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Old 10-16-2010, 05:11 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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What I am having trouble with is making the heart understand things the same way the head does.
Yea - I understand. Seems a common mis-perception.
The head and heart need to be in the same place - a goal worth working towards.

But consider............

A lot of what we often call 'heart' feeling is really remnants of social conditioning. It's beneficial to get some quiet time to really get in touch with the TRUE heart, unwrapping it from layers that have been added on without our knowledge.

I often ask myself.............

How would I have "felt" about this when I was 5 or 6 years old ?

Helps the perspective sometimes.

GS
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Old 10-17-2010, 02:07 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I would say, try to identify exactly what the problem is for you. What are you uneasy about? What makes you uncomfortable? Try and find what it is, as specifically as possible.
Then look at it, and try and see where it comes from. Maybe there is something else that needs to be addressed and would make you fine with it. Either way, it would be easier dealing with it if you know exactly what the problem is.
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:42 AM
Wraith Wraith is offline
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Thank you everyone who has posted replies, they have helped a LOT! Reading through some of the other posts on here, and having talked a bit with other people I know who are open/poly, a lot of people have recommended that I read The Ethical Slut, since it might have some more information and tips on how to get my brain and emotions to gel.
My SO and I have talked about our relationship a lot in the past couple of days, and I think we've been able to identify where the issues lie on both our parts (jealousy stemming from mistrust on my end, which stems from him not opening up emotionally on his end). We've agreed to work on our relationship before attempting to form relationships/sexual partnerships with anyone else, so that when the time comes, opening up our relationship and potentially exploring polyamory will be a happy, loving experience for everyone involved.
Again, thank you, and any further insight, tips, advice will always be welcome.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:24 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wraith View Post
My SO and I have talked about our relationship a lot in the past couple of days, and I think we've been able to identify where the issues lie on both our parts (jealousy stemming from mistrust on my end, which stems from him not opening up emotionally on his end). We've agreed to work on our relationship before attempting to form relationships/sexual partnerships with anyone else, so that when the time comes, opening up our relationship and potentially exploring polyamory will be a happy, loving experience for everyone involved.
Good for you! I love how you have discovered and looked at what is deep inside you to find what your jealousy is about. Very wise to slow down and work on some issues before deciding when it is time to take the plunge and try an open arrangement.

There are a great many threads on both jealousy and open relationships if you do a tag search and look at the stickies at the top of the forum... its great to know that you are reading. I hope it's all helpful.
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